Jun 30, 2013

French Sex

I was checking out my stats here on the ol' Blogger and found that the top search keyword for my blog is:
 سكس فرنسي 

I was like "dafuq?" so I asked google what that shit means. The search brings up sexy youtube videos and porn sites. I was like holy wtf?   I then again turned to my friend google who speaks many languages and found out that  سكس فرنسي  translates to French Sex.  Interesting. I dont remember writing a blog about French Sex but you never know, the French are pretty sexy. 

So I decided to search my blog for سكس فرنسي and got zilch. So then I tried searching my blog for "french sex" And I got a hit!  Kind of excited to see what I had written about french sex that I forgot about, and it only turned up this  Check Your Neighbors post I wrote about the old Austrian guy who locked his daughter in a hidden room and fucked her for like 20 years. Definitely mentions sex but nothing about French Sex... Austrian incest, yes, French Sex, no. So what I want to know is, how is searching French Sex in Arabic finding my blog so many damn times? I mean I appreciate the pageviews but I'm sorry you didn't find the sexy videos you were looking for. Maybe this one will help you out. 

Jun 19, 2013

You Park Like An Asshole (Part 5)

There are no parts 1-4, I just know I've written about people parking like shit before. Use the search box in the sidebar if you feel like you're missing out. 

As I pull into Safeway there is an open compact parking space next to the handicapped space, but I can't park in it because there is a big crappy pickup truck parked all wonky in the space on the other side. So I say obscenities under my breath and find a spot farther away. Now while asshole parkers bug me, I can go on without it ruining my day so I do my shopping and make my way back to my car. While I pass the space I wanted I notice that the stupid truck is still there fucking up the parking lot. Again not the end of my world but then I see that someone is in the truck. One leg hanging out of the open driver door. Having a cigarette. But here's the kicker... It's a fucking Safeway employee! 

First of all, you're not only taking up one up-close parking space for customers, but because you parked like a douche bag you're taking up two spaces that should be kept open for store patrons. And you are smoking within a distance from the entrance you are not legally allowed to be smoking in. 

this obviously isnt a pic from this story, but it's relevant, look at this cunt bag!  Also I've found that posts with no photos are boring looking. It's surprising how many photos there are on the web of bad parking... it's a serious epidemic.
Part of me fees like I should have reported her to the manager, but as far as giving that much of a shit, aint nobody got time for that. I just wish people would take their head out of their ass for 2 seconds and think about what they are doing. 

Jun 17, 2013

Audition. WTF? (movie review)

I may be late to the game on this but a friend of mine who I trust with picking good unusual movies had a movie recommended to her by her friends who watch weird movies. She looked it up as did I (after watching it) and saw that everywhere you go this movie gets the highest praise. top of horror movie lists, every review is licking its nuts clean like it was dipped in chocolate sauce.  So like, wow we gotta see this movie.  It's directed by a Japanese film maker named Takashi Miike who's known for extreme gore and violent horror movies.  I usually dont like these types of movies but am intrigued by how extreme they can get.  We found it on Netflix.  It's called Audition.

It just so happened that everyone had already fell asleep except for the two of us so we put it on.  I was going in expecting the worst. Hostel, Saw, Human Centipede... I'd read about some extreme gore stuff and watched some clips online so I kind of had an idea of what I could be getting into with this movie.

So we watched it, both of us were pretty tired, and it's subtitled so we hoped that the extreme nature of this movie would keep us awake.  About 1/3 of the way through I texted a mutual friend who'd seen this and told her this movie is hella boring.  Because it was... she assured us that it really picks up in the last 20 minutes. OK, to me that seems like a pretty shitty plan for a movie but we stuck it out. If you've seen this, you know what I'm talking about.. and for some reason like everyone else besides me and my friend, totally loves it.

The quick and dirty for those of you who haven't seen it (spoilers maybe) It's a businessman who loses his wife. 7 years after her death his teenage son encourages him to start dating because he's all bummed out all the time.  He concocts a plan with a coworker who works with him at a place that makes TV/Movies or something. The plan is that they'll audition women for a movie, only, there is no movie and it's a way to find the dude a wife.  He picks a girl but her references aren't panning out. His friend says to watch out because we cant verify anything on her resume.  He doesn't care, he's smitten by this chick. His friend says to wait to call her. So he waits.. they show her in a funky empty room slouched over on the floor staring at the phone. in the room is a big burlap sack tied up.   They start dating, then he decides to propose to her while they're on a romantic trip somewhere. she gets naked while he's giving her some ideas of where to go before dinner. She says "can you love me, only me" it gets all weird and they get into bed.. it looks like she's going down on him, then he wakes up and she's gone. His friend is like leave it alone, she's weird I told you.  As he's trying to track her down he finds out some shady shit about some of her references.

Long story short, she drugs him at his house and tortures him. while he's in and out of consciousness he starts to have flashbacks to their dates where she reveals how she was horribly abused by various male figures in her life as a child.  It's gets really confusing. there's scenes of him in her room. there's a dude in the burlap sack all fucked up. she feeds him her vomit.  then she starts to go down on him and she turns into other chicks from his life.  it's fucking weird and hard to follow.  I've heard explanations that say most of the weird shit is a dream.  I hate dream explanations because they are a cop-out and dont have to have any real bearing on the actual plot.  She says she worked at a bar, but the bar's been closed after the violent murder of the bar owner. She said her manager was in the music industry. The bar owner was having an affair with a music industry guy. They found extra 3 fingers, an ear and a tongue in the mess of body parts in the bar.. guy in the sack had 3 missing fingers, no ear and no tongue (also no feet)... so your brain starts to put the pieces (which are laid out right in front of you ) together that this chick is fucking nuts.  ...build up!!!

OK... SO.. remember when I said this was a movie by a guy who's known for extreme gore and crazy shit? I was fully prepped for a gnarly pay off to this pointlessly confusing movie.  (spoilers)  there's some gross scenes or rather flashes of things throughout the last 25 or so minutes of this but nothing too crazy. Now, after an hour of a boring subtitled romantic crime thriller... time for the big torture finale.. c'mon Takashi Miike... let me have it!! everyone creams their jeans over this movie so let's do this shit!  ................... She pokes him with needles while giving a monologue about how he doesnt love only her and he's like the other men, that he only wants sex bla bla bla... so yea,  fucking acupuncture...She gives him a drug in a big scary needle under the tongue and she's dressed in black rubber apron, says he wont be able to move but feel everything.. so he can enjoy the pain.. and it's pretty creepy and all, but really? acupuncture needles? weak! ...oh wait, she's got the razor wire saw she cut a guys head of with earlier (maybe she did?  not sure, it might have been a dream, I dont know. the timeline doesn't work, like most of the flashback shit but whatever)  and she uses it cut his foot off... it's disturbing but on a scale of 1-10 of what I've seen and heard about in movies I'd give it a 2 and a half.  Then the son comes home catches her in the act then pushes her down the stairs and she's paralized(?) and then he calls the cops. THE END.

HOW IN THE FUCK is this everyone's favorite horror movie of all time?  I wouldn't even call it horror. not even close. It's long, boring and not scary or gross or exreme AT ALL.  If you disagree with me PLEASE leave comments explaining to me why this movie is boner juice for horror nerds.  

Jun 14, 2013

Shortest Movie Review Ever

I'm sure that beyond the fake noses, weird makeup overlapping actors and bad accents there's a good story. I just didn't get it.  All of the above, was very distracting and didn't let you focus on the plot. Instead it had you playing "Guess the actor" the whole time. 

I love photo friday so much, I'm gonna take it behind the jr high and get it pregnant.

Hey I think it's about time for another old fashioned PhotoFriday.  Of course if you have me in your circles on Google plus you'd have seen all of these already. Here we go...

 I was kind of a cooking champion yesterday.  Here's breakfast.
I made some experimental Funnel Pancakes. Experiment was a success! 

Then I made a batch of Ground Turkey Green Enchiladas. Topped with jalapeno, black olive and cheddar cheese curds.

I like to give my mix CD's clever titles. I might have a thing for poop. I dunno.

I might have joined a punk band. 

I finally painted something!!  
"The God Helmet"  acrylic on canvas - 16" x 20" It's for sale if you're interested. 

In progress.

Rob Boss.

We took my parents to nature last weekend. 

Fern Canyon Humboldt Ca.

Vertical panoramic photo of the canyon.  That's my mom bottom left. 

A couple of weeks ago was the Annual Kinetic Grand Championships.  It's a grueling 3 day all terrain race from Arcata through Eureka to Ferndale.
Some pics from the water portion. 

They start out on land, in the Arcata Plaza. This one breathed fire!

All Kinetic Sculptures must be human powered. Usually made out of bikes.

Here's a video I took from the plaza