Aug 30, 2016

Busses Only... Except For Me and My Little Angel

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I live next to an elementary school and I've talked about the parents dropping off their kids before. About all the stupid shit they do. About how I see them yelling at their kid's like they're a fast food worker who forgot their fries. About how they blast mega bass through insane sound systems while dropping their (now deaf) 2nd graders and about how whenever I would hear a loud bus horn I knew it was because some asshat parent would not only drive in the clearly marked bus lane, they would also stop which blocks the lane then get out and walk their brat to the front of the school. Well, today is the second day of the 2016 school year and my first day off to watch this shit-show live, right from my kitchen window. In recent years they've added a crossing guard to help the kids cross the street, which has been helpful, but this year someone got smart and added a person to help the idiot parents put their cars where they're supposed to. Despite the added traffic cones, arrows that guide you the other way and large "BUS ONLY" letters painted repeatedly on the ground these ignorant self-righteous fucks still want to get right up to the front so their little crotch fruits don't have to walk an extra 40 feet. And despite there being an actual human person standing there with a bright neon vest in a place there's never been a person standing before, they still insist on going through the bus lane. I can almost narrate the conversation in my head that the traffic controller is having through the car window with the parent while It's happening. It goes something like this. Traffic lady: "hello ma'am, you can't drive through there" Mom: "whaat?" Traffic Lady: " Yea that's a bus only lane, we have a child drop off area right over here if you stay to the left" Mom: "Why can't I just go here?" Traffic Lady: "because it's a bus only lane" Mom: "how am I supposed to know that?" Traffic Lady: "because of the cones and the giant letters painted on the road that say BUSSES ONLY, and because I'm telling you" Mom: "When did they change that, I've always parked here" Traffic Lady: "This has always been this way, you've just chosen to break the rules and block the lane for the busses, can you please move over to the left lane there's a line of cars building up behind you now" Mom: (as she angrily struggles to maneuver her giant SUV out of the bus lane over to the long straight empty child drop off zone that's literally 40 feet away she mumbles and trails off) "I always.... Who are you to tell me.... I don't see no busses... what a load of..."
On a typical school morning there are a line of bright orange traffic cones that have the bus lane completely cordoned off. It actually takes more effort to maneuver through them than just follow the proper route. Some parents will use the Faculty parking lot and walk their bastard offspring all the way to their classroom door. While this doesn't block the bus lane it takes up parking spaces for the actual teachers and staff that are supposed to park there.
So as much as I loved the glorious FUCK YOU of the bus horns in the morning It's even sweeter to see people told directly to their stupid faces they are wrong and they've been wrong now for 3 years. Kudos to you traffic lady, we all thank you for your service!

Aug 20, 2016

I have Diarrhea...

Earlier today as I was bagging up merchandise for a gray-haired, middle aged lady, just as the receipt was printing she looks up at me with wide, yet calm eyes and says.  "I have diarrhea..... I'll be right back"  and then takes off towards the ladies room.   What caught my attention though, was how cool about it she was when she said it. There was only a slight sense of urgency.  She said 'diarhea' but her demeanor seemed more like 'I forgot to get batteries' –not as severe as one would expect from someone about to violently projectile defecate into their pants at a hardware store. 

UPDATE: "I forgot the batteries" is now code for having to go take a shit amongst fellow employees.

BEST FACEBOOK REPLY: With age comes wisdom... And nonchalant poop emergencies. - Brian Cutright 

Aug 8, 2016

The Mysterious Fresh Freeze Incident

Something pretty strange happened while I was picking up some take-out tonight from a local drive-up 50's style diner here in town called Fresh Freeze. It's located at the edge of a shopping district in the middle of town on the corner of F and Harris streets. This is a fairly busy street corner.  I parked on the outside edge of the lot which would put my car facing the street instead of the building. I remember because I usually park in front facing the building but couldn't because there were a lot of people there. I don't know why this is significant but I'm trying to paint somewhat of a picture here. In the corner of the lot next to my car is a big 50's style Fresh Freeze sign.  It was still very light out and as I was walking back to my car I noticed a guy standing near the sign on the sidewalk. He looked like he could be a homeless type person. There's a pretty significant homeless problem in this town and ever since the city evicted 100's of people from a homeless camp recently with little thought on how to help them, they've sort of spread out around town. He wasn't full-on hobo though. He looked like a typical grungy young person I may have hung out with in the 90's. Beanie, longish hair, long trench coat. Imagine, Jay from the Kevin Smith movies.  Anyway, I notice him but pay no further attention to him and continue walking to my car with my food and milkshakes.

I get in my car, set the bags down on the passenger floorboard.  Make sure the milkshake holder is secure for the drive home. Still bent down I plug my phone in and tap the auto-window-down button sort of all in one motion. As I sit back up, window now down, I notice something right outside my car door.  It's the guy.  Right. There.  Sixteen inches from my head. He's in a wide legged stance and with both hands, he's pointing a red digital camera at me reciting this line very bluntly and with full seriousness.  "DO NOT TRY TO CONTACT ME - I WILL FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST YOU" all the while snapping as many pics as he could before I opened my door. I unplugged my phone opened the camera app and got this bit of video, shouting "why are you taking pictures of me"  as he briskly walked away repeating the forementioned warning.

video


I got back into my car and followed him down Fst.  I had my camera open and ready on burst mode to catch a shot of him.  Apparently so did he.  As I got closer to him I notice that he's walking on the sidewalk at a medium pace, It looks as if he's removed his coat maybe to try to disguise himself. But the interesting thing is that he has his camera pointed backwards. At me!  I slow my car down as I pass and now we're dueling with cameras like members of opposing street gangs during a drive by shooting.  


All I was able to get was this blurry series of pics  as I passed.  


Here's an animated gif of the pics. 


He's probably just some poor guy off his medication and is just having a mental paranoid episode. He probably thinks he's some kind of rogue agent and everyone he sees is in some evil organization that's after him. For all I know the red point-and-shoot digital camera doesnt even work and he found it in a dumpster or something. Just another prop in his delusion.

This whole thing was just sort of surreal and I dont know how to feel about it. I just hope he doesn't try to track me down with my license plate number and stalk me or something.