Oct 30, 2019

Like Ants, to the Taco Bell


I got some ants in my house a couple months ago so I went into my "junk drawer" in my kitchen to see if I had some of those liquid ant baits.  Everybody has a junk drawer right?  Box of staples, pens, tape, glue, that half of hoodie string that broke off you thought you needed to save for some reason.  But this is the junk drawer, not the Taco Bell Sauce drawer.  Distinctly different things.  Of course there's soy sauce packets, ketchup, the occasional oversized mayo packet in there but primarily it's Taco Bell sauce.  Taco Bell is a place that begs you to take too many packets.   You need one, two packets tops for a chalupa but there's a big, open tub of sauces. Four levels of hotness too.  You know you're too much of a pussy to ever use the Diablo sauce but you still shove your whole paw in there and grab a handful of that shit.  Really tho Taco Bell has 3 levels of heat.. first level, Hot. You drive a convertible but it's a 93 LaBaron.. then you step up to FIRE!  ooooh then what could be hotter than FIRE!?  DEEAABLO!!! Spanish for... THE DEVIL!!   A fucking fast foot taco place has satanic sauce.  Honey, I feel like having my head spin 360 degrees, stabbing myself in my vagina  repeatedly with a crucifix and then projectile vomit pea soup,  grab me a handful of the DIABLO SAUCE.   ..........Then there's......... Mild.   That's the one I like.   I feel like I'm rolling the dice by just being at Taco Bell already I don't need to tempt fate by summoning a demon with my Quesarito.   But even tho you know better, you grab the biggest wad of each you can and toss it in the bag.  Which is why now you have a dedicated an entire kitchen drawer full of hot sauces you're never gonna use.  But you never know!  😀    

So here I am sifting through pen caps, dead batteries and a warranty card for something I don’t own anymore to find some liquid death for these tiny persistent shits.  I find a 3 pack, and I put em all out for those little fuckers.   I wait a week and they’re ignoring the shit so I got to the store and buy a new box.  I put a couple out and they’re gobbling it up like it’s packets of sauce from Taco Bell.  YES! eat that poison you motherfuckers.   Then as I’m putting the box away into the void of faded  receipts, loose paper clips and my Blockbuster card, I notice on the back it says to replace them every six months.  In my head I had a vision of these ants seeing millions of their fallen brothers and sisters succumb to a plague and little post-apocalyptic ant scientists using samples of the poison residue back to their little any laboratories spending years to reverse engineer the poison to create a cure to build up resistance to the deadly ingredient in the ant baits.  After three generations of any civilization they finally become fully resistant.  But like, it’s exactly six months in human time.  

Make sure to change your ant baits everybody.  

Oct 21, 2019

Phone Etiquette Lesson 2341


If your talking with someone in a room with other people around and your phone is ringing off the hook with an annoying ring tone in your pocket its actually considered more rude to let it keep ringing than to excuse yourself in order to take it out of your pocket to silence it.

It goes without saying that you should just put it on silent in advance if you know you're going to a meeting, or movie. But this particular incident was  from this morning where a lady was talking to the veterinarian in the lobby about her dog. Her crazy fucking ringtone was like a classic telephone type but had a weird space-age effect. People in the lobby kept looking around sort of concerned because it sounded like some kind of alarm, and the dumb bitch didn't acknowledge that it was her phone. It rang like 200 times I swear.  The vet even tried to drop a hint and nicely said "sounds like someone is trying to get a hold of ya" and she said loudly so everyone could hear her  "YEA ITS MY PHONE"  but still let the fucker keep ringing.. There's sick pets in there too starting to freak out. Dumb fucking old people. 

Just reach down, press literally ANY button and it will stop. This is a 2004 problem happening in 2019.