Mar 26, 2020

Normal Food Kirk Wont Eat Part 1. Coronavirus Edition

I hope you’re reading this at home, in bed.  Sheltering in place a safe social distance from other warm blooded humans as possible.  I’m taking this break from regularly scheduled normal life to tell you about a particular aspect of myself that people slowly learn about me as they get to interact with me.   Since we’re not eating at restaurants any more it might be hard for new friends to experience.  So here we go. It’s a long one.

   As some of you already know there’s a pretty strict list of things I wont eat.  Most of which are not for medical reasons…or any practical reason for the most part.  There’s a few things I chalk up to genetics but much of it is just because I think it looks gross. There’s a lot of things my dad didn’t like or eat so we never really had it in the house growing up.  He’s always said that he’s a “super taster” which is why he wont eat a lot of things.  He describes it as having a more developed sense of taste which allows him to experience flavors differently.  Things many enjoy he finds off-putting…which I totally get because I experience this too with certain things which is why I feel like I may have inherited some of that super taster DNA. My mom on the other hand eats all kinds of weird shit.  She grew up as a kid in Panama.  And then brought to the United States raised by her overbearing Okie father who ate a bunch of weird southern shit.  Pig’s feet, Okra, all kinds of different seafood, canned anchovies,  like pickled eggs and shit.  This stuff existed in our house but it was so freaky that we all just stayed away.  Mom knew we would never touch any of it either so it never made it into the family menu.   My dad has gotten more adventurous with his culinary choices in his old age but I think that’s just because he’s slowly lost some of his sense of taste and smell from a lifetime of smoking cigarettes like a locomotive going uphill.   The second hand smoke while I grew up may have tamed my tastebuds from the level he had as a kid but I still am averse to many foods. It’s funny, now he gets mad that I wont even try the things he raised me to dislike that his super-power has started to fade.  Whether its nature or nurture, I am an enigma when it comes to food I wont eat. 

Here I will compile as comprehensive list as I can come up with from memory.  I will try to separate them into categories which might make this harder or easier.  We’ll see.  If at any time you need to get up to sanitize or wash your hands, I’ll wait for you to come back. 

Food Allergies:  I thought for a minute that I was allergic to ginseng. Remember ginseng from the 90’s?   Touted to make you think better, they started putting it in products like tea and other soft drinks.  There was a brand of canned iced tea that I liked and they came out with a ginseng version of it that made my tongue feel numb.  I stopped drinking it and started thinking I might be allergic to ginseng.  The fad ended and I really don’t worry much about ginseng anymore.

Another thing that’s gotten popular is gluten allergies.  I don’t think I’m officially allergic but there’s some good science that says the way we farm wheat now is just bad for us in general.  I sometimes feel like I could be sensitive to it so I try to not eat a lot of bread.  That’s to say that bread is definitely NOT on my list of things I wont eat. 
As with the others mentioned above, I have never been officially diagnosed but I’m pretty sure I have some level of intolerance for lactose.  I discovered this while out on tour with my rock band when I was in my early 20’s.  One cheap and easy food we all kind of lived off of was breakfast cereal.  I would have a bowl or two a day, with real full-lactose milk.  Also around this time I was afflicted with bad farts.  All the time, almost on cue, horrible foul smelling farts.  It was funny at first but then it got to be concerning.  We were playing a show and had some pizzas back stage, a fan turned down our offer for pizza citing something I’d never heard of before. he was lactose intolerant or as he put it allergic to dairy.  He described his symptoms and thought that maybe that was why I was farting so much.  I cut milk out of my diet and the farting situation improved.  From that moment on I’ve pretty much only use nut based or lactose free milk if I eat cereal.  And before you ask, no I don’t  “just drink” milk.  That’s fucking disgusting.  Not even when I was oblivious to my fart problems did I ever just straight up drink a glass of milk.  That’s not part of my intolerance, or from my dad because he still will just chug a glass of milk.  I think it might be associated with my next category: Dairy foods. 

Dairy Foods:  I love most, what I call normal cheeses. You know the ones you can get on a sandwich at a deli.   Cheddar, Jack, American, provolone, mozzarella. Even gouda, especially smoked gouda, Muenster and the occasional Havarti.  Never Swiss tho.  Fuck that shit.  Here’s where my DNA kicks in.  I think whatever flavor is in swiss and cheeses like feta, chèvre and other pungent cheese like that is amplified in my mouth and to me much of it tastes like vomit.  Literal stomach acid bile flavor.   There are a ton of other cheeses like Brie and Bleu Cheese type cheese that I either know or think tastes like cheese I already don’t like or it just looks weird and I’ve made an irrational decision to stay away.  Cream cheese for sure is a nope. Including anything made with it, including Cheese Cake.  Sorry, yea.  Part instinct, part being raised by a super taster.    So if it stinks or smells sour I’m out.  I’ll tolerate some cheeses that are in the Swiss cheese spectrum but I still can taste the barf a little bit. 
People really seem to love some of this shit so it sucks too feel like I’m missing out on a good time.  It just tastes like puke to me. 

Another realm of dairy that I’ve completely  cut from my life are things like Sour Cream and salad dressings that are basically sour cream with flavoring in them.  Ranch?  Nice try,  that’s sour cream.  If it’s creamy, white and dairy but not whipped cream or a desserts I most likely will not eat it.  Part of  is knowing it’s gonna taste like shit, or fear that it could.   Yogurt is a weird one.  Most of the time I’m ok with pre-packaged fruit flavored yogurt but plain is gross.  I used to eat cottage cheese as a kid a lot but I really don’t like it anymore.

I mentioned earlier I don’t like Cheesecake. I also said desserts were ok. Ice cream, milk shakes, etc obviously is totally good but I don’t really like cheesecake and I’ve never had a Canoli but I’ll probably never try one because of the cheese factor. Any other weird cheese shit in a dessert or other balsamic ice cream topping bullshit I’ll never eat either. 
Short story about cheesecake tho.  A few years ago I had to get a tooth pulled and an implant put in.  Part of that process is having cadaver bone grafted into the socket so they have something to mount the implant too.  Yes, dead person bone.  While I was healing I could only eat soft food.  I showed up late to a party and the only food that was left was cheesecake.  I helped myself with the intention of only slurping up the whipped cream topping. But I was hungry and slowly started trying the cheese parts.  I was surprised that it didn’t taste horrible and ended up finishing off 2 slices (not the crust tho because of the surgery).  It was probably because this particular cheesecake was homemade by one of the best bakers in the county.  My girlfriend likes to joke that it was the cadaver bone.  Whoever’s bone I had in me was a fan of cheesecake and their soul was somehow now merged with mine.  I’m not as afraid of cheesecake as I was but still cautious. 

You’re probably wondering about my lactose allergy and all this cheese I like.  Well, some dairy food does not really affect me as much as a bowl of milk does.  After a hard pizza binge I could end up on the toilet for the rest of the night but it’s pizza.  Pizza, ice cream, deli sandwich, totally worth it.  Yogurt and cottage cheese, not so much.  I gotta pick my battles.  Before, I mentioned Ranch dressing, which brings me to my next category. 

  Dressings & Condiments:   Ranch got really popular in the 90’s and people started putting it on, and dipping just about everything into it.  I didn’t know exactly what Ranch was but I knew it smelled funny and was most likely made out of Sour Cream or Mayonnaise.  So no Ranch.   No dressings at all for that matter.   Spoiler, I hate pretty much everything made with vinegar too.   But since I mentioned Mayo, lets talk a little about condiments.  I love mustard but I hate vinegar so how is this possible?  Something about the balance of spices and artificial flavors that evens it out for me.  Same with Dill Pickles.  I love the things but put a sweet pickle, relish or any other pickled thing that they add sugar too in front of me and I’ll stab a motherfucker.   But back to condiments,  I’ve hated mayo my whole entire life but I can’t say for sure I’ve ever actually eaten it on purpose.  It’s just another one of those things I was raised to not like.  My dad hated it so in turn, fuck Mayo forever.   When I have eaten it on something by accident I honestly don’t feel like it had any distinct flavor at all.  Just pointless, greasy, white goop subconsciously fucking with me.  Don’t try to fool me by calling it Aioli.  That’s just flavored Mayo. Along with many other dips and dressings and toppings that are just Mayo with flavorings in it.  This brings me back to salad dressing for a minute.  I don’t put any salad dressing on my salad.  People lose their shit when I say this and ask "WeLL wHuuT dO YoU PuT oN YeR SaLaD?!?!"  I put, shredded cheddar, bacon bits, croutons, olives, onions.  I like the taste of iceberg lettuce and my salads are fucking delicious. No one ever has all that stuff so I never order a salad with my meal unless there's a salad bar.   I am convinced that people don't actually  like salad.  They hate lettuce and vegetables so they drench it in gross fattening sauces.  I wont eat any of the dressings not French, not Russian, not Vinaigrette, not Ranch of course, not even Honey Mustard.  People assume that because I like mustard that I like Honey Mustard. I don't know what that shit is but it aint mustard.   Thousand Island is another salad dressing I wont put on my salad but it was introduced to me as a kid as “Secret Sauce” on hamburgers and I really enjoyed it.  Then as I got older people told me it was actually Thousand Island dressing and that it was essentially Ketchup and Mayo mixed together.  That physically repulses me to think about but for some reason my taste buds are ok with it as long as it’s a secret and on a burger. You can  call it “spread” like they do at In N Out too and that's fine.  

Also, Animal Style Fries!

On the topic of salads and mayonnaise I won't go near macaroni or potato salad.  It's just cold dinner leftovers mixed with mayo.  It's not salad.  Throw it in the garbage. 

Ok, back to vinegar for a second.  Oh hell lets make it a category.

Who ruined the Olive Oil?
Vinegar: It’s in a lot of foods that people really like.  But I can smell or taste it a mile away.  And Balsamic Vinegar can fuck off too.  “Oohh its just like Chocolate put it on ice cream”  die you psychopath.  Are you not smelling that?  or hey just drink Apple Cider Vinegar to make you feel better.. NO!  Some people even use it to clean their coffee maker.... WHAT?   It smells like the feet of someone with a glandular disorder.  No!  So pretty much most pickled things, dressings and a lot of sauces are off the table for me.   My dad may play a part in this he says food with an overbearing vinegar flavor has a “wang to it”  that sour tinge in the side of your neck when you taste it.  Maybe it’s the DNA talking again but I know what he’s saying.  But I like dill pickles and olives so I dunno.  Again maybe it's the balance of flavors? Part of this could stem from some dumb kid science experiments I did in the alley behind our garage.  Me and my friend learned about the baking soda and vinegar volcano and made a huge mess.  I swear it smelled like vinegar back there for like 20 years.  

Some have said that it’s the vinegar in my next category that makes me not like it but it’s way, way deeper than that. 
Ketchup:  If you’ve known me for more than a minute you’ve probably been waiting for this part of my list. It’s technically a subcategory of condiments but it deserves it’s own category and you’ll see why in a second…and just to be clear, I’ve never associated Ketchup with vinegar so don’t think that has anything to do with it.   Now, this is not just a casual  dislike of a common condiment or even hatred at this point.   I have what has developed into what I think is a full-blown phobia.  The smell, the texture, the reddish translucence,  even the shape of the classic Heinz bottle makes me nervous and uncomfortable.  My whole family ate and enjoyed this stuff growing up so there’s no genetic or family influences going on here. I think it’s more psychological trauma from an event in my childhood that is the base of my aversion to America’s favorite condiment.  Just like most kids I happily dipped my French fries in the stuff until something happened.   It was a hot summer day in the mid 1980’s.   My family and I wen’t to see the San Francisco Giants play at Candlestick Park.  It was kind of a big deal for me.  I’d only been to one other game that I can remember before that and it was a night game.  A day game on a sunny San Francisco day was a whole different experience.  The grass smelled different.  Everything was brighter, people were out of their seats enjoying the stadium.   We decided at one point to get hot dogs.  The perfect meal for a baseball game.  My parents wanted beers of course so I went with my dad to the concession stand.  I was in awe, taking in all the sights and smells.  A professional baseball stadium has a very distinct aroma that conjures up all kinds of great memories for me now as an adult.   But one specific odor has haunted me my whole life.   On our way back to our seats, both hands full with a hotdog for me and one for my brother I was just a dumb kid awestruck by my surroundings, I stepped
on a full, hot ketchup packet that some asshole threw on the ground.   It popped open and squirted all over my shoes and my pants.  I didn’t even notice until we got back to our seats and it had time to cook in the direct summer sun.  I kept smelling it like maybe I had it spilled some on my hand or my shirt from my own hotdog.  At one point I went with my dad to the bathroom and made sure to try to wash my hands to get it off but for the next few hours I kept smelling it.  Finally I realized it was coming from my feet and lower legs and after sitting there with it all that time I had spread it all over the ground under me and the seat in front of me and smeared all over my pants and shoes.  The smell, hot and baked into the fabric was one of the worst things ever.  I was so upset and it was all I could think about and I don’t even remember the rest of the game or the day.  Ketchup took that whole wonderful experience from me.  Ever since then I just really have not liked Ketchup.  The older I got the more it became a thing.  Ketchup bottles on every restaurant table, every fast food order they give you PACKETS of ketchup without even asking you.  Every time I order a hamburger, I always make sure to say “no ketchup” then they still ask if I want some for my fries…  really?  Just about every person around me putting it on fries and burgers and hotdogs.  Always being offered ketchup.   All I know is that Ketchup really fucks with me emotionally now.  I play it off like I just don’t  like the flavor but its way deeper than that.     

Anything that’s mildly close to Ketchup is also off the table.  Sweet & Sour Sauce is a no-no.  Most hot sauces are just spicy ketchup to me.  Some Barbecue sauces lean ketchup too.  Basically anything red with a vinegar/sweet flavor is out of the question.   One time I was at a diner back home having breakfast and asked if they had salsa to put on my hash browns.  Nine out of ten times they pick up the bottle of Tabasco on the table and give it to me.  I decline, and ask for salsa, not hot sauce. Tabasco, as with most hot sauce is just vinegar with chili powder in it. Fucking nightmare in a bottle.    Most of the time they bring me a little cup of Pace Picante or similar off the shelf stuff.  Which is not as good as home-made but acceptable.  The waitress said they had Tabasco, as I expected and when I asked again for salsa she paused and said “be right back” .   She comes back with a cup with something red in it.  Whenever I get salsa, or sauces I give a quick smell test.  Usually testing for vinegar or ketchup essence.  This time I got a hard ketchup vibe and then did a visual inspection.   Instead of salsa this piece of shit gave me a cup of ketchup with black pepper and chopped up onions in it.   I almost barfed all over the table.  It’s things like this that push me farther into my psychosis. 

Seafood:  Another thing that I get from my dad ether directly or indirectly is my dislike for seafood.  We never really had fish or seafood around other than fish sticks or fried prawns with Chinese food.  Fried prawns are essentially fish sticks anyway.  So I’ve never eaten crab,  lobster, oysters, most fish.  I’ve eaten shrimp in several different forms.  Depends on how it’s cooked.  I mean if you drench dog shit in garlic, butter and bacon it’s gonna be tolerable right?  I think a lot of this stuff actually does taste like shit which is why it’s cooked
in crazy spices or garlic butter all the time.  I also have a theory that much of this stuff, like oysters was at one time the only source of food but since it was considered food for people over time it became a part of our cuisine even tho it tastes like shit and probably should not even be eaten because we have better easier food available.  It’s just how my dumb brain works.  I’ve tried some fish and calamari and it just has this distinct seafood flavor to me that I don’t like. It tastes like it smells to me. Like rotting fish guts mixed with stagnant creek water.  This is definitely part of my super taster genes.  I can pinpoint that flavor in a lot of foods and a lot of people really like it but to me, it’s off-putting.  Sauces and even those seaweed sushi wraps throw me off.   Some people hate cilantro,  I love it.  But that is genetic.  They taste it a certain way and say it tastes like soap.  Sucks for them because they’ll never like cilantro.  It’s coded into them just like vomit cheese and pond water seafood flavor to me.  So because of this I just tend to stay away from seafood.  Plus it’s just gross looking.  Seafood is one of the only foods that look like the animal still when they serve it to you.   Also some places the shit’s still alive.  What the fuck is that about?  

Mushrooms:  I’ll keep this one short.  Two anecdotes that I think are apt here.  A friend recalled a conversation they had with someone when I mentioned I didn’t like mushrooms.  They said that they didn’t like mushrooms and didn’t like what they were about.  She asked what were they about,  they answered “they’re fuckin’ fungus man”   Agree with that statement.  Fungus should not be eaten. They sell products at the pharmacy to kill fungus.  My dog agrees.  My dog will eat anything I drop on the floor, except for mushrooms.  He’ll pick it up and then spit it right out.  It’s because he knows by some natural connection to the earth that animals have. He knows that fungus is not food.  Fungus is somewhere between plant and human being.  There’s an intelligence at work there which is another reason not to fuck with it. 

These are the main ones I can think of at the moment.  To be continued…. wash your hands, go to bed. 

Mar 16, 2020

This Shit Tryin' To Kill Me

Stay safe everyone.  This Corona shit is getting pretty serious.  They say it's the same type of virus as SARS and Bird flu and stuff but I've never seen it cause so much of a ruckus around the world. Especially for me personally here in California.  All these epidemics I was able so safely watch from the sidelines but now it's creeping to my front door.  All these closures and orders to stay home.  Don't congregate in groups of 1000, then 250 now 50.   Italy is shut the fuck down.  I was supposed to go to Italy at the end of April but now unless something major happens we're grounded. 

The election stuff was stressing me out already and I'm a pretty low-stress dude normally.  I go on Facebook and rail against people who seem to be settling for Biden.  Fighting the fight for everything Bernie has been talking about since he got me hooked over 10 years ago.   Trying to talk sense into idiot Trump supporters.  

Worrying about another 4 years of Trump,  along with Bernie getting snubbed, and now something that seemed like just something that was going to ruin my vacation is now a full blown pandemic situation.  I'm having a really hard time keeping my cool.  I started having tightness in my chest last week and finally went to the ER on Friday to make sure I wasn't having a heart attack.  Short story I wasn't, it was just GERD.  They said most likely stress induced.  I wast surprised.

Sitting in an overcrowded emergency room during a viral pandemic with a motley group of sick people wasn't helping my stress and paranoia.   I spent most of my time just people watching while I waited.  An older woman with spikey hair and white sunglasses in a wheelchair with bleeding leg wounds wrapped loosely in fabric was talking with another homeless looking woman in a wheelchair who looked like she just goes to the ER to hang out and bum cigarettes all day.   I overheard the spikey hair lady say softly "I used a bong" and then repeat louder to the other woman who didn't hear her "I use a bong, I don't smoke joints"  OK that was interesting. 

There was an elderly Chinese woman with a surgery mask sitting across form me coughing endlessly.   There was an elderly man dressed like a 25 year old Weed farm owner who sounded like Slingblade.  The way the room was shaped his voice sounded like he was next to me.  At first I thought it was the teenage boy sitting 2 seats from me who was talking into his phone quietly and it was weirding me out.  

I ended up being there pretty much all day.  Luckily tho if you say "my heart" they take it pretty seriously.  They saw me pretty quickly and did an EKG and took blood.   Later I was called back in for a chest X-ray.   So during all this I would see people come and go.  I even got called into the back to get various tests.  When I came back a Vietnamese family had just walked in the main entrance.  A husband and wife with a teen and adult son.  Another man who could have been like an uncle as well.  They didnt sit together because it was so crowded but the couple sat near me and the mom kept coughing into her hand.  I made note of the seat so I didnt sit there when they got up the next time I came back.  Little things like that.  You could tell most people were on edge about the COVID19 stuff.   Many people asked for masks.  A few were wearing gloves.  People would nervously get up and use the hand sanitizer dispenser next to the door over and over.

They test the blood for some enzyme that builds up if you're having a cardiac episode.  Unfortunately for me, that test takes for-fucking-ever.  Like 2-3 hours to get the result the need and then they have to do it again to compare. So yea, I was there ALL FUCKIN DAY. 

Some friends of mine come see me but wont go inside.  I get it.  I couldnt stay out very long because I was waiting to hear them call me back.  Another friend who's been in the ER a few times recently came and brought me lunch.  My friends are the best. She leaves me when they call me in for my X-ray. 

Some time after I get back from my X-Ray a woman kept wailing and complaining in the other part of the waiting room.  It's separated into two rooms with  the doors and the reception desk in the middle with a small security guard kiosk to one side.    I was on the side sitting right behind the security kiosk.  This woman goes to the reception desk and I can make out more of what she's yelling about.  She keeps saying it hurts and urging them to let her in sooner.  Then says something like "I know it's because I'm an addict you wont help me, but I'm in pain!!!!"  And kept saying shit like that.  They told her to wait and she did for a minute but then she kind of started arguing loudly with the reception people but backed down.  Then a few mins later she goes over to the security guy and asks to use the phone.  She says she doesnt want to be at this hospital anymore and wants to go to a different one.  She dials 911 and starts saying she wants an ambulance and wants to go to a different hospital.  "THEYRE DISCRIMINATING ME!!" she yells. Then the main lady from reception comes and takes her away.   Then the lady comes back and kinda yells at the security guard for letting her do that. 

Trump is on the TV in the waiting room officially saying we're in a national state of emergency.  I get up often to get fresh air and take my mind off Coronavirus on TV and I notice that while I was getting my X-Ray they've set up a big tent next to the emergency room entrance.  No one's talking about it that I can tell, but it's kind of scary.  Like something from a Zombie Apocalypse movie.   I go back and sit down and kind of look around to see if anyone else is acknowledging it. But they really aren't.

I go back to the room with the chairs and the TV.  A woman with a toddler asks if she can change the channel and the lady comes out from reception and puts on cartoons.   I think a lot of people were happy about that.   More people come and go with various levels of emergency.  A lady came in asking if someone could help her daughter out of the car.  She looked like she was in her 20's.  From what I could overhear she had some kind of reaction and was really bad off.   Later the father came asking where they were.  There wasnt any crazy cut off limbs or anything like that. It was pretty boring.  Busy but boring.  They said they were at capacity and had no beds.  When I got called back for my second blood draw and EKG I asked if it was because of Corona and she kind of shrugged and said that it was always like this.   Good news was that at that point she said it was looking good for any heart problems.  EKG's were both negative and my first blood test showed no signs of heart problems.  Mentioned that it could be heartburn related and that it is brought on by stress.  She asked if anything was stressing me out lately and I mentioned that I was supposed to fly to Italy to have a relaxing vacation.  We both sad-laughed. 

The sun is blasting now through the big windows across from me in the waiting room and I've been there now several hours.  I put on my sunglasses and doze off.  Not sure how long I was sleeping or if I was snoring loudly or not I'm woken up by a nurse shouting my name.  I wake, and stand up quickly and head into the back with my sunglasses still on.  She tells me to sit in the same blue vinyl padded chair int he hallway I had the last couple times.  It has arms that swing down in front of you so they can take your blood and blood pressure.   I then just sat there waiting for a while.  Nurses and doctors and techs racing back and forth.  The husband from that Vietnamese couple got taken into the room across from me.  He was having problems with his Gout and the nurse asked him to take off his shoes.  I morbidly wanted to see his gnarly feet, and maybe got caught peeking. The nurse got up and shut the curtains.   More hustle and bustle then some cops come in from some other entrance.  They end up standing right near me waiting for someone to talk to. Everyone is buzzing and busy they completely ignore the police officers. Finally the tech who had taken my blood helps them and no one knows who called them.  They're just standing there like "WTF"... we make eye contact and we both shrug our shoulders.  Eventually someone figures it out and they head further into the hospital.   

Still sitting there now a doctor has talked to me a bit, and I've signed some papers she tells me they were still waiting for my last blood test to be done.  At one point a doctor and a nurse grab a chart and were discussing some patient.  I could make out the word "Vaginal..." and more words I couldn't make out "something something"  Followed by "Copious milky discharge"   Medicine is so gross sometimes.  #reallife tho.  A while later finally the test is done and it's ok.  She tells me all about GERD gives me some gross slime that's supposed to help and they say to take omeprazole to help with the acid.   Kind of a boring diagnosis but that's what it was.  

I walk out finally, past the Outbreak tent where they're now hooking up a large ventilation system with big hoses and shit.   Oh yea which by the way no one there really knew what it was for either.  We joked that it was for a wedding reception.

So now back in the real world.  This pandemic shit is getting worse. People are freaking out.  Trump is as dumb as ever and it's looking more and more like people are just giving up on Bernie's revolution.   It's really going to be hard to shut this shit out and try to relax.   Every time I turn on TV or Facebook it's just more and more and I feel my chest tightening up again. 

I'm going to try to make this noggin be the last I stress about this shit.  Focus on jokes, and art and music and skateboards more from now on. 

Stay safe, stay clean. 

Mar 6, 2020

Weed Stores, Stop Pretending to Be Health Clinics

I’ve been noticing all the new pot stores popping up around town now that it’s legal here.  And yes, I call em pot stores because let's be honest that 's what the are, a fucking weed store.   They still call them dispensaries or wellness centers and have words like health or patient in the name or try to make it sound like a brand of lotion you get at a pharmacy.  Why are they trying so hard to sound like a fucking doctors office or some kind of  place for healing when the names of the weed strains are still called Green Crack and Strawberry Cough.   If you want to sound legitimate  stop calling your “medicine”  Girl Scout Cookies, OG Kush or Gorilla Glue.   You went from 'Walk-In Heath clinic' to 'stoner cartoon names' after we start looking at your products.

They should tighten up their shit and start naming their marijuana things that are more in line with the names of the stores.  I’m not a pot smoker so I don’t even know where to begin with this but boring things like, for example if it makes you sleepy call it “Sleep Aid” or if it makes you high and silly call it “Satiiva“ or “Energy Booster” and maybe some numbers from the formula they used to make it.   Or if it’s purely medicinal just label it with the percentages of CBD. If that sounds lame it’s because it is. They must  think all of us are as high as they are.   Weed is weed … they should just go all-in and name the stores like they’ve been naming the weed.   There's already Doctor Green Thumb's which is a good start but it still has "Doctor" in the name. 

Here’s some fun ones to get you started; 

  • Sticky Ricky’s Doobie Den
  • High as Hell (devil theme design)
  • This Bud’s For You
  • Stoned to the Bone (mascot is a dog with bloodshot eyes)
  • The Magic Bus (hippie VW bus and tie die theme)
  • The Dank Tank (have aquariums to zone out on)
  • HERBie’s
  • Maybe one that serves food called Munchies. Actually there was a sandwich shop chain in AZ called The Cheeba Hut that might be able to cash in on this idea.  Their sandwiches were named after classic kinds of dope.
  • Oh and we can’t forget about the classic from The Simpsons, Stoney’s Pot Palace
Your Interior Designer
And while we're at it, can these places stop looking like they sell lattes or repair cell phones?   Just make them more inviting to their target demographic with tie-die tapestries, beaded curtains, Bob Marley posters, bong water stained carpets and a 100 year old coffee table with hash stains and burn marks.  Less modern white tile and more red, green and yellow color scheme.   Less,  GreenMed Health Center and more Jerry Garcia Cover Band Garage.   It's cannabis man, get fuckin' high on your own supply and start coming up with fun ideas.