Apr 30, 2013

More short movie reviews for movies everyone else has seen already.

I don't get out much so I just saw these critically acclaimed Hollywood masterpieces. Now that you've heard what the rest of the universe thinks of them, now hear what I think.

This Is 40 
While it's funny, and it sucks losing income and having to cut back, I have no fucking sympathy for those rich douche bags in their FAT ass so-cal house and their BMW's and Lexus's and fancy bikes and private trainers and ipads and crazy vacations at hotels in Laguna and fully catered backyard parties and big TV's and built-in fucking trampolines in their back yard. WHAT? I didn't even know built-in trampolines existed... that's how economically distressed you need to be for me to give a shit about your characters Judd. So bad that you don't even know certain rich people shit exists. You ever suck dick for weed?

Zero Dark 30
Are you fucking kidding me? Zero-dark-boring.  For some reason I thought this was going to be Hurt Locker part 2. Instead it's more like a boring version of A Few Good Men, but with all actors you've never heard of.  I fell asleep two out of the three times I tried to watch this. Talk about sympathy Oscar nod.  Apparently it was completely wrong from how it really went down but they couldn't tell the real story because that's classified right? But hey, Hollywood's gotta capitalize on the deaths of 9-11 and two wars somehow right?  Also "We don't torture"  LOL  AMRRRKKAA FKK YAA!

To keep the Oscar nomz trend going I also watched Argo. It wasn't horrible. I'll say that much. Contrary to popular opinion, I don't mind Ben Affleck as much as I probably should. Maybe it's because I never saw Gigli or Daredevil but I tend to not hate him in movies. It was about as entertaining as I thought it was going to be. As I was watching it I really started to question what really makes a movie an Oscar worthy movie. Argo was good but was it that good? Another movie based on a true story that due to US Government top secretiveness, not until it was declassified many years after the fact. Oh and by the way, fuck you Canada, you aren't as rad as everyone thought you were.

It's an interesting story. I didn't know much about the man behind the movies before this. I also didn't know that Psycho was his first "horror" movie which is weird since that's what he's known for. I'd recommend it. The only thing that bugged me was Anthony Hopkins. I didn't really buy him as Hitchcock. Too much Hopkins comes out in it. Often times I prefer people I've never heard of in roles like this.

This one will be quick. I kind of don't remember it. I remember having a hard time suspending reality enough for me to enjoy it. Also, I'm ready for a new 007.  I'm over Daniel Craig as Bond. While I'm at it Total Recall was forgettable too. Stop making shitty remakes please.

Life of Pi
At first I had zero interest in seeing this movie. I was like, why would I want to watch a movie about a kid in a boat with a tiger for 2 hours?  Then it got all hyped by the media, and got nominated and people said it was really good and not just about a kid and a tiger in a boat.  So I watched it, and it kind of was just a movie about a kid in a damn boat with a fucking tiger. There's some heavy CG in this which is thankfully not totally obvious. If you were expecting a movie about math this one isnt for you either. Pi is just a nick name SPOILER because his real name is "Pissing" and SPOILER there probably never really was a tiger and he was just creating the fantasy in his mind because he witnessed his mom get murdered and a guy eat 2 other guys. and possibly hallucinations from dehydration.  what? I said spoiler in bold caps. you didn't have to keep reading.