Waffles Waffles Waffles Waffles Waffles Waffles Waffles Waffles Waffles

A while back I discovered r/waffles.   A whole community on reddit.com dedicated to the humble breakfast food. These are my people.  It has really inspired me to make waffles more.  It's probably going to give me diabetes and kill me but they're so damn delicious.  More importantly they're much easier to make than people think.  I'm not using some bullshit waffle mix either.  

If you've been following the Noggins for a minute you would know I make my shit from scratch.  Here's the recipe I've been using lately.  It's even more basic than the ones I've posted before. 

 

Ingredients: 

• Flour.  1 Cup
• Sugar.  2 tbsp - 1/4 cup. Use more or less depending on how sick you wanna be. 
• Baking Powder.  1/4 tsp? (I'm actually not sure.  I just tap the container a few times and eyeball it)
• Salt.  1/8 tsp? (again a couple taps)
• Veg Oil. 1.5 tbsp? (maybe 2. I dunno I just pour it and eyeball it. More is better than less tho) 
• 1 egg.  
• Water.  Enough to make it the consistency of waffle batter. (I've used Coke Zero for this step a few times and it works.  Not sure how much of a difference it makes.  Maybe the batter ends up being fluffier. I'm not a scientist so I dunno)
• Wait -what about the milk? Don't freak out. Seriously fuck the milk.  You don't need it.  I'm lactose intolerant so we never have milk and I'm not going to buy it just to make waffles.  I used Almond milk for a minute but realized that its just water and nuts.  Adding milk is just a ploy from Big Dairy to get you to drink cow titty secretions.   

Instructions: 

1. First plug in your waffle maker.  You'll feel stupid when you get the batter done and the shit is cold still and you have to wait for it to heat up.  No need to grease the iron if it's a non-stick machine. 
2. Add dry ingredients to a med mixing bowl in the order listed above. 
3. Whisk up the dry ingredients. 
4. Make a little divot for the egg. Crack the egg in and carefully whisk up the egg some.  Try not to mix it into the dry stuff all the way.  I dunno if this even makes a difference. I read somewhere to whisk the egg up first so I try to just do it in the bowl instead of using a whole other bowl just to mix up an egg. 
5. Add the oil and mix it all together.  It will be clumpy and shitty but this is why you add the water next. 
6. Just put the bowl under the faucet and pour a little in. Then whisk it.  Then a little more until it seems right. Not too thick. Not to thin.  Don't go all fucking crazy and pour in too much water all at once. You'll ruin it and you'll be sad and it will fuck up your whole day.  That is the opposite of waffles.  Waffles are supposed to make you happy.  

7. 

   My artist rendition

   When you have a nice bowl full of batter pour out about a 1/2cup of batter onto the waffle iron. Depends on your machine.  If your first waffle overflows you put too much.  If your waffle is a small piece of shit you didn't put enough. Figure it out. 
8. Cooking time and how many waffles you'll get also depends on your machine.  Mine has a light that's green when it's heated up and then turns red when it's cooking.  When it's green again it's cooked.  Mine also has a dial for cook level.  I have mine cranked because I don't like raw waffles. This recipe with my machine makes about 4 waffles. 
9. Almost forgot.  The syrup.  Anything you use is gonna be good.  I don't like fruit or whipped cream or chocolate chips. Just plain ol' shitty imitation maple flavored syrup. Add some melted butter too. 

That's it. Eat em. 

Here's my machine.  It's cheap as fuck but makes the good thin waffles.  Belgian waffles suck ass. I hate that they are the standard go-to at restaurants.  Thin waffles are the best.  

Never wash it. 

Here's some of my waffles.  

Pro Tip:  Put extras in the freezer and toast them for later.  
these got a little too toasted. 

I put apples and honey in the batter.  You are free to experiment.  
These were.... okay. 

Hot dogs? Cheese?  Spicy Maple Syrup?  YUM! 

Waffle Party for the founder.  Praise Keir

Little baguette french toast waffles.  

A savory waffle?  I dont remember the recipe. 

 Ok then.  Wipe the drool off your chin and maybe I'll see you on r/waffles later.  

Apple Pencil Update (I guess this is Part 7 in the saga)

Well I've had a great time using my Apple Pencil after bringing it back from the dead (see link at the end for part 5 ).  We've made some really fun drawings in the past year we've spent together but looks like I let you sleep in a bit too long again and now you wont wake up.  

Here's some fun we've had recently.  I mean, not that recent– since it was enough time for it to completely die.  The last time I used it was in fucking April.  THAT WAS LESS THAN 60 DAYS AGO FOR FUCK'S SAKE!   

this was the last thing I drew on April 12th. 

So here's a question for all you Apple Pencil people; How many of you, like me, have bricked your pencil because you didn't use it for 2 months? I enjoy Procreate but I'm not drawing every fucking day and I'm not leaving it on a fucking charger all the time. Because I'm a normal person. I feel like leaving it in a drawer with your iPad isn't an unreasonable thing to do. In all my 50 years on this earth I've never experienced a rechargeable electronic device just turn into landfill if you don't keep it charged -always. I'm trying to not hate you, Apple but you make it so damn hard.

This is the 2nd time this has happened.  The first time it died, at the end of June I got lucky that the barbaric heating it up method actually worked.  I have tried it 3 times now and it's not waking up at all.  

This is an accessory that costs upwards to $100 and for it to just become unusable after putting it away for a reasonable amount of time seems criminal. Planned obsolescence is out of control. I refuse to pay for another one. This is fucking ridiculous. Anyway, am I over-reacting?

If you want to read the whole epic saga so far of how I got a free iPad and subsequent grief with Apple choose your own adventure below:

PART ONE  leaving ATT, getting Optimum until VERO is available.  
PART TWO Leaving Optimum was a pain in the ass. (this is a good one)

PART THREE I actually got the free iPad they lied and said I wouldn't get unless I stayed another month. 

PART FOUR Apple making things difficult.  Getting the right Apple Pencil.

PART FIVE  Apple Pencil's first death and resurrection. 

(a very loosely related) PART SIX The time I thought I lost my iPad in the road. 

So I guess that makes this part SEVEN.   I wonder what part 8 will be about. 

The Sweet Valley Tapes (a dream I had last night)

I hate found-footage horror movies so I'm not sure why I dreamed this. My dream last night was basically a found-footage horror movie. I don't know who finds it or why it was being viewed but the footage was from the early 1980s. Early home movie VHS camera footage of two twin brothers. Shaggy hippy beards. Long dirty blonde hair. Shirtless hairy chests. They found their way onto the compound of a hippie commune/cult. They were called the Sweet Valley Collective.

The film starts out with innocent footage of the cult members dancing, making crafts and shit like that but then suddenly the footage is at night and it's one of the brothers filming the other. They're laughing at the idea of finding the camera. "lookie what we found" "let's make a movie!" "yea, Hollywood!! haha" Soon you notice that there's some blood smeared on his chest and splatter on his face. In his hand is a bloody shovel. Then the camera pans to the side and you see two dead female cult members on the ground. Old fashioned night dresses covered in blood.

The rest of the film is just them taking turns filming and murdering the whole cult brutally and violently.

Anyway the movie was called "The Sweet Valley Tapes" saying tapes plural implies that they stopped killing to put a new tape in but who knows. It was my dinosaur brain making shit up while I was asleep.

I don't know how it ends because it was a dream and I woke up. I like it when the killers get stopped by a clever victim in horror movies so I think that's how I'll end it. One of the cult member children, a mischievous 15 year old girl who had snuck out to romp around in the nearby town got home after the massacre started and uses the street-smarts she learned outside of the cult to stop the killers. Since the whole story is told from within this one camera I think you see this girl creeping around in the background wearing her cult dress but has a leather jacket over it like she's trying to be cool and doesn't totally want to be in this cult. The killers at one point put down the camera to film them both killing so they don't see her sneak in through a window. But the stationary camera sees her and the killers don't notice her because they're focused on the joy of killing the kids. Maybe she calls out by name to one of the other kids like "Mary? NO!" and then pulls out her weapon and starts fighting the killers.

The final scene of the killers getting taken out is captured on film but the camera is on the ground after getting knocked down in the scuffle. With the tape still recording, most of the action happens off camera so you dont know right away that she's the one winning the fight. You hear the killers begging for their lives as she comes into view and picks up the camera. Then she turns the camera to the killers and you see close-up footage from her perspective pointing the camera at the final blow, her brutally slashing their necks with a very distinct large knife. She turns the camera to her own face and smiles widely in a creepy evil way holding the bloody knife to the camera and then she drops the camera. You see the ground and the feet of the dead killers. Then her feet walking out of frame. It films the floor and the dead guys feet for a few second then the tape runs out. Click. It ends. This would end up being a full circle moment calling back to the radio news reel that was playing at the beginning of the movie with the girls doing chores. It was warning of a serial killer on the loose who uses a distinct large knife and to be careful. The girls more-or-less ignore this and keep working and talking. The whole time you think it's the brothers who are the killers they talked about but at the end you realize it was the 15yr old cult member girl who likes to escape the compound and romp around in the town nearby who was the killer. ooh TWIST! lol This whole ending is probably cliche but I dunno I'm not a writer. Horror movies are usually lame anyway. Especially found-footage. Have a great day. Trump sucks forever.

You Park Like An Asshole

 I had this long diatribe about AI I wanted to post but I think everything has been said on the matter.  You're either with the robot overlords (via the billionaires)  or you support humanity.  That's all I'm gonna say but while we're talking about humans– I think we're already doomed. 

The parking lot where I work seems to be too difficult for some of us.   Here's a google maps aerial view.  It is extremely difficult for the humans to understand the direction they're supposed to drive in this parking lot.  Every single day someone fucks themselves because they're going the wrong way.  But the real reason for this is one particular spot.  

I was going to initially just getting a screenshot to show the area where people park that they are clearly not supposed to park but it's so common it was actually captured in the fucking Google Satellite view! Look at this asshole.  There's an empty space right fucking there and they just park their big stupid truck wherever the fuck.  I hope their life is 3 seconds longer for the time they saved by not parking 5 feet farther away.  It happens almost every day.  It's usually some douche with a huge truck and trailer.  There's tons of space farther away they could take up 2 spaces if they need to but they'd rather just pull in and stop.  Often they just park in the middle of that area I circled.  Delivery trucks use that space to get out of the gated area on the left of the image.  

Here's a couple other historical aerial photos that show people getting caught sucking at parking through the years.  Going back to at least 2012.  And remember this isn't someone taking a photo when they see a bad parking job.  These are random aerial photographs cataloged by Google Earth. 

I've seen this shit so often I've stopped taking pics of it or I just deleted the pics to save room in my cloud storage.  Here's what I just so happened to save.  You picking up on a theme of what type of vehicle is doing this?  I feel like they're already pissed they have to go to the back lot and cant just take up the 4 front parking spaces next to the door to the building so they take it out on the people who have to drive through here.  Every once in a while it's giant RV's totally blocking the lane to the last two rows where the employees park.  It's fucking ridiculous. 

I mean fuck it right?  who cares?  I feel like it's these small violations of the rules of society that should get the highest punishment.  You're breaking a social contract with the rest of the people around you.  You're being selfish.  These things add up and it starts to break down our society.   There are rules for a reason and all it takes is for that one time your breaking of a small rule you deemed unimportant for someone to get hurt.  I hate all of these fucking selfish assholes.