Apr 21, 2020

The Greatest Breakfast Cereal I Couldnt Remember The Name Of

When I was a kid there was a breakfast cereal that I have fond memories of.   I have been seeking this particular brand of cereal out most of my adult life.  It would have been in the early to mid 80's and when I was a kid and it was a rare  occasion that my little brother and I got to have sugary breakfast cereals so I remember the few times we actually somehow convinced our mom to buy it.  I remember vividly one time begging for Cookie Crisp, finally getting it and being horribly disappointed with it.  Chocolate Chip cookies in milk it definitely was not.  I don't know what I was expecting tho, like, a box full of actual bite size cookies disguised as fortified breakfast cereal?  Maybe that was the whole point of the marketing but how that lying piece of shit cereal is still around and this one I cant remember isn't,  is a crime.  This particular cereal I must not have been excited to get which is probably why I don't remember the name but I still reminisce about that flavor and how delicious it was.

I found a page on reddit called "Help Me Find"  and gave them the best description I could for my long lost cereal. 

I mentioned that it was from the early 80's and that the flavor was similar to Cap'n Crunch but it definitely wasn't.  Just about every time I get Cap'n Crunch I think about this cereal and try to remember what it was.

The flavor was more like a pancake with syrup and butter on it than the sugary sweet corn flavor of the Cap'n.  It definitely didn't destroy your mouth either.  I remember the shape was square with round corners and concave on both sides. Kind of like the Halls cough drop shape but smaller. The cereal pieces were yellowish-brown.  The box was also yellow and had a character like a cowboy or something on it.  Maybe an old West desert theme. It could have been a generic or store brand.  It also could have been associated with a cartoon that no longer exists. Not sure if they were doing generic or cartoon tie-in's back then but its very likely this cereal no longer exists.  I would just like to know what it was and see a photo of the box once. It was so good I still remember loving that flavor profile... I just can't remember ever even knowing the name of the cereal.

 Well just a few hours later after one obligatory "Sugar Smacks?" response I got my answer!  Despite Sugar Smacks being puffed rice, any time I mention this mystery cereal someone will suggest it.  So, it's not Smacks.  The answer I had been searching for (not really that hard) over 30 years was none other than Waffleos!   The person who figured it out even provided a link to a page with all kinds of info about it.  Oh man, instantly I was taken back to my childhood kitchen table.

 Here's a screenshot of some of the details.  Waffelo Bill!  haha.

Dang it came out in 1979?  I was like two years old. There's no way I could remember something like that at that age.  I know for sure I was in the house I lived in from two years old until I moved out in the 90's.  My brother was born in 79 and I do remember them bringing him home from the hospital.  Shit how cognizant are you at two?  So like 1980 or so?

It had an obscure cereal name that really hasn't stood the test of time.  That and me being a fucking toddler, no wonder I couldn't remember the name of it.  Although I will say, a waffle cereal is right in my wheelhouse as most of you know how much I love waffles.   Must have started at a very early age.

I feel like there has been  more recent variations of different cereals that tried to do some kind of maple or pancake theme but nothing like this.   I'm happy to have finally solved this mystery but also sad that I'll never be able to eat it again.   Now I also regret ever sending away for that belt buckle.

Now why don't you take a trip down this rabbit hole...

Apr 18, 2020

Very Unofficial Scattergories Expansion Pack

Who's played Scattergories 1000 times and wishes there were more cards? 
Say no more! Introducing Kirk's Stupid Scattergories VERY UNOFFICIAL expansion pack. I've been adding list items to these randomly for the last year or so. I finally completed List 8 so I figured I was finished. 

Print, cut, enjoy.  

Probably not family safe.

I am aware that I do not have permission to use the Scattergories name or logo.  Lists are NOT associated with Scattergories or Scrabble Inc.  

More Inspired Inspiration

Inspiration comes from everywhere they say.  A while back  I stumbled upon a website that's basically a collection of letters, notes and photos that people find in the trash or on the ground and send in.  A few of the letters caught my attention and I turned them into lyrics.  I hope they turn into songs at one point.  I'm really enjoying this new creative outlet.  And remember these are written for a punk band so it's not going to be and long epic sagas.  Here's the ones I did before. Inspired Inspiration Original Post

I just found some inspiration again on a letter that caught my eye. 

New Mother's Day

It's New Mother's Day Celebrated now on
October 15, 1998

The day I found out about all your lies
That you were working with the enemy
And how you're wanted by the FBI

I wrote you a letter.
Happy New Mother's Day
Dear Mom, I hate you!
Now If you would just go away!

I was eating English Muffins
When I learned the truth
That you were working with the Russians

I wrote you a letter.
Happy New Mother's Day
I'm 8 years old and I hate you!
Now if you would just go away!

It's October 15 2008
I miss you mom
I can't believe they took you away.
I'll remember you every Mother's Day.

Apr 15, 2020

Top 20 Influential Albums. Yes, 20.

I keep getting nominated to post 5, 10, 20 influential album covers on Facebook.  I've done this at least twice already and at least once without being nominated.  So I decided to consolidate and put it all here for you if you're interested in this type of thing.  It's The Quarantimes so you know you have time to read it.

Huey Lewis & The News: Sports
The first album I can remember listening to over and over. It was my dad's but it never left my stupid little portable tape player.
 It was also the first time I was really cognizant of what an actual rock & roll band was.  The idea that different dudes played  different instruments playing together and writing songs.  My dad recorded some live concert off HBO onto a VHS tape that we watched over and over.  I remember the kick ass horn section they had and it made me  want to play the saxophone after watching it.   I don't want to play saxophone anymore but  I guess you could say that the heart of rock & roll is still beating inside of me.  I ended up becoming a drummer. 

Breakin' 2 Electric Boogaloo
What other suburban white kid wasn’t smitten by break dancing in 1984?  C’mon man. I had pants with too many pockets and everything! What a complete nerd I was.  Anyway, I convinced my parents to buy me this record.  I’m not 100% sure it was actually this record but it was similar with I’m sure many of the same songs.  I remember playing it on the turntable of my parents gigantic Hi-Fi system in the living room with speakers that were as big as a mini-fridge trying to awkwardly emulate the dance moves from the movie.  I sucked but there was something I really liked about the rawness and not-give-a-fuckedness of it all.  I guess I knew there was something special about it but I just didn’t understand it.

Weird Al: Dare To Be Stupid 
Around the same time I was getting over my Break Dance phase, Eat It was tearing up the charts.  Weird Al was a new sensation and little kid me couldn’t get enough.  My friend had In-3D which featured Eat It but when I finally got around to having my own copy,  it was Dare To Be Stupid I chose.  The follow up to In-3D,  this one featured the hit Madonna spoof Like a Surgeon and the classic Yoda but I always liked the title track which was a DEVO style parody.    It also had a Huey Lewis parody!   I knew that album back and forth.  I think this also helped unlock my sense of humor like nothing before.  Like Spaceballs that came out around then and I also liked, It was mature but in a way a kid could enjoy. 

RUN DMC: Raising Hell
This album was probably the first album that I sought out on my own and listened to non stop.  I traded my mini Casio keyboard for it to a friend in like 4th grade.  I learned every word even if I really didnt understand it fully.  Imagine a chubby little white kid with a fake Walkman  rambling off words to "Proud To Be Black" in the back of his parents van on family trips. That was me.  Something about the raw style and bold uniqueness to the music drew me in.  A theme in my tastes that would continue as I got older and still today. RUN DMC and those early rappers were pioneers and there's always a place for pioneers in my collection. This album represents all the rap I was into that Raising Hell opened me up to. All the summer afternoons watching YoMTV Raps. Listening to The Beastie Boys, NWA, De La Soul, Too Short etc.

 Beastie Boys: Licensed To Ill
While I was listening to RUN DMC everyone else was getting hyped on Beastie Boys and I would scoff,  "that's not REAL rap"  ...even as a dumb 5th grader I had standards.  I eventually caved.  At this time skateboarding and all the wild untamed world that came with it had entered my life.  Even tho I didn’t fully understand it, I knew I liked it.  I saw a skateboard in a  Beastie Boys video and the heavy guitar vibe mixed with the very NY hip hop aesthetic I liked in RUN DMC pulled a slightly more mature me in.  I remember my friend found a “new” Beastie Boys album at the flea market and we were very disappointed and figured it must be fake because it was from the flea market.  Turns out it was Paul’s Boutique.  Obviously we and the world were just not ready for it yet.   License To Ill still has a place in my collection.

Quiet Riot: Metal Health
Around the time I was discovering the skateboard culture I was hanging out with these kids down the street.  Two brothers who also skateboarded.  Often I would stay late at their house listening to records on their record player.  Bob Seger, KISS and this one.  Something about the production values and the catchiness of the songs on this album drew me in.  They had this dumb plastic toy guitar with no strings we would use to lip-synch and do air guitar on.  It was totally stupid but we were kids.   It’s cheesy as fuck but quintessential 80’s pop-metal that wasn’t  totally pretentious yet. Anyway this album really resonated with me and maybe even moved me closer to being a metal head.

Metallica: ...And Justice For All 
Skipping ahead a few years skateboarding was less important and this mega beast found it’s way into my psyche. I’m not sure exactly how but by 7th grade I was wearing Metallica and Anthrax t-shirts to school.  I don’t know what bands I’d first heard but this one stands out as a milestone for me.  Even back then tho my tastes were eclectic.  The first music I ever purchased with my own money was the cassette single for One and the single for De La Soul’s Me Myself and I.   This was also  around the same time some friends of mine all got guitars.  I had drum sticks that a babysitter’s boyfriend gave me and I’d bang on a bucket to jam with them.   I remember sitting in front of a mirror while the One video was playing trying to emulate what Lars was doing.    The first time I actually played a real drum set like a year later people we’re surprised I knew what I was doing.  The rest, as they say is history.

Anthrax: State Of Euphoria
Obviously I’ve already mentioned Metallica.  Eventually I became a little thrash kid listening to bands like Slayer, Megadeth, Iron Maiden and Testament. But this album along with their 'I Am The Man' EP really showed me that a heavy band with serious music could have a lighter side that didn't take everything so seriously all the time.  I Am The Man was actually a Metal/Rap song, which was sort of unheard of for the time.   It showed that you could have a sense of humor in heavy music. And I the video for Antisocial they just look like they’re having a good time.  Despite the playfulness, these guys, like other thrash bands of the time had some very poiniant lyrics about heavy subjects.   I think I learned a lot more about the world from these bands than I did in school.   Anyway Anthrax will always be one of my favorite bands.

Faith No More: The Real Thing 
This one came out of nowhere for me. Just some normal summer afternoon watching MTV and this video comes on... It wasn't quite heavy metal but it was. It wasn't rap, but sort of. It was kind of funky like Red Hot Chilly Peppers but it was different. It was Epic. I was just 100% hooked. I went out and got the album right away and the tape didn’t leave my stereo for months.  Sitting in my room studying every lyric. It was just so cool. The real thing.   All the while sort of keeping it a secret from my metal head friends.   It subconsciously prepared me for a lot of music I would listen to and play later on. Huge inspiration for me.  I initially didn’t like their follow up Angel Dust because I thought it was too mainstream. It took a few years for it to grow on me and it’s actually my favorite album by them now.  The Real Thing really had an effect on me even tho I don’t like it as much now.

Primus: Sailing The Seas Of Cheese
This is a fun one. When I was face deep in being a metal head I would see Primus' Frizzle Fry album displayed predominately at my local East Bay record store and when I would ask my metal head friends if they’d  heard this band they all would scoff and dismiss it. After all, it wasn't blaring thrash metal. So I never listened to it. Then down the road I end up seeing the Jerry Was a Race Car Driver video played during Headbangers Ball on MTV and was amazed. Immediately I went and got Sailing The Seas of Cheese and never let those boneheads tell me what to like again. This album had the humor and lightheartedness I liked in Anthrax but also had elements I liked from Faith No More.   This time the push to more diverse music was a very conscious one.   It moved me to listen to all kinds of other music.  Jazz, Funk, bands like King Crimson and more soul music from the 70s. It really pulled my heavy metal head out of the sand and opened my eyes as a music lover and a drummer. Tim Alexander's drumming became the cornerstone of my drumming style at the time.

Rage Against The Machine
One summer day in the early 90s our local rock radio station KVHS was having a live broadcast at The Warehouse Record Store. They were giving away stickers and cassette singles and stuff. I got two really big tapes that day. Quicksand album Slip and Rage Against the Machine single for Bullet in the Head.  This album came along at a perfect time for me and once again, like others from this list, it changed how I listened to music and how I played it.   Side note, don’t think I tossed that Quicksand tape out…  I loved it, and it gave me a unique feeling I’d never had listening to music before.  I was 15 and wasn’t really ready for it. None my friends understood why I liked it.  Not until 10 years later did I even hear of anyone else knowing who that band was and discovering they had a whole, much deserved following.  It's still a regular in my music rotation and it never gets old.  It just wasnt as impactful musically for me as the others on this list.  I should probably mention here that you will not see any grunge bands on this list.  Despite me trying to be more diverse and have a more open mind musically I still refused to give any of the emerging grunge and alternative bands a chance.  They were basically what was popular and what all the normals were listening to.  A decision I would later regret as I discovered many of these bands later on were actually pretty good. 

Cannibal Corpse: Butchered At Birth 
While I was getting more adventurous with my musical tastes around this time, branching out into jazz, funk and new wave fusion,  I was also getting more diverse within the genre of heavy metal.  My heavy music tastes expanded from just thrash metal to straight up death metal.  Some of Slayer’s stuff was pretty dark, and by now I’d gotten into Sepultura and some other, faster and darker bands on the fringes of what could be considered Thrash but when I heard this album it changed my whole perspective of how truly brutal heavy music could be. From here I discovered a whole universe of bands like Death, Obituary, Brutal Truth, Morbid Angel, Suffocation and so on. Even to this day a big part of my musical tastes is aggressive, fast, confusing music with blast beats and guttural vocals.  I really wanted to put Death's Human album here because it really stuck with me more but I feel like I wouldn't have ever known about it if not for hearing Butchered At Birth first.

Dead Kennedys: Plastic Surgery Disaster
I knew about punk music and had heard it indirectly through skateboarding culture but never really got into it. Other than DRI I never payed much attention to punk rock.  This tape ended up in my possession somehow in the early 90s, I think it belonged to either Jeff or some random older punk dude that we hung out with one time. I knew the logo of this band from ads in the back of Thrasher magazine and from the Slayer guitarists guitar but never really listened to them. I gave it a few listens to appease the person who gave it to me but I just didn’t care at the time.  A few years later further into my experimental phase I found it again and gave it another go.  Now with more mature ears and mind, something just resonated with me. The energy, combined with Jello’s lyrics pulled me in.  It was like the old thrash songs about politics and social issues but more in your face.  I kept thinking to myself 'THIS came out in fucking 1982?'  It was in 1994 and still is now relevant as ever.   For some reason other DK albums just never connected like this one.  Around this time I played with my punk band UMF in high school I was introduced to a lot of stuff.  Minor Threat in particular which could have easily been on this list.   Now I'm in a punk band and have listened to a ton of stuff but I keep coming back to Plastic Surgery Disaster and Minor Threat as my go-to punk music.

Deftones: Adrenaline
This band was off my radar for way too long. I had heard the name mentioned around but thought it was “The Def Tones” and that they were a Ska band. I had just grown out of my Ska phase so I never payed attention. I had heard of Korn but they weren't really on my radar yet either. Then one day a friend of a friend was showing off his new car stereo and was blasting this album.  It was so heavy… And chaotic, yet masterfully crafted, groovy and melodic. Slight hip hop tinge but not in the way Faith No More or Rage was. I knew instantly that this was something special and new. I asked what band it was and to my surprise he said Deftones.  I had been so foolish!   From that moment on Deftones would be one of my favorite all time bands. The more I got into it I started to take apart the drumming.  It ended up being the biggest influence on my playing from that point on. Around this time my band Fingertight was being formed and those guys got me into bands like Korn and Limp Bizkit that were also big influences in that band. Our first songs sounded like heavy Primus mixed with Korn and Deftones.  Then an album that would change everything for my band came out.  More about that next.  

Incubus: S.C.I.E.N.C.E. 
When I say I like this band people are surprised because they aren't familiar with this record. Everyone is familiar with the melodic pop-rock drivel they’ve put out since, but this album was so unique and fresh. It had a funky upbeat style but a gritty edge and a DJ, that for the first time in a rock band was more than just sound effects. It was a legitimate instrument in the bands overall sound. This album was prog-rock, rap rock, funk and nu-metal all blended together in a really interesting way.  It really changed the direction of how my band at the time would approach music. It inspired more melodic writing rather than the rhythm driven percussive style we started out doing. I really wanted to continue loving this band but like I said before they went stupid and mainstream with ballad hit after hit into a void of hollow dumb music that I hate.

Aphex Twin: Come To Daddy
OK so, I’m not nor ever have been a really big fan of electronic music.  And I don't even know if this was an actual album but somehow, somewhere  I heard this track. Probably the video came on some obscure MTV show late at night.  I don’t know but it got me interested in the style of Drum & Bass or Jungle music.  I don’t know shit about it other than I dig the heavy beats contrasting more droned out melodies underneath it.  It’s a really cool idea to me musically and immediately introduced it into songwriting for Fingertight around that time.  I still appreciate  the idea of this music but really can’t just sit and listen to it nor could I name off artists who create it.  I will tho say it is definitely an influence to my drumming and song creation and I’m pretty sure this song started it all.

System Of A Down 
So many bands came out around this time that were trying to copy the sound of the pioneers of Rap-Rock and Nu-Metal it just got sad and basically the whole genre became a parody of itself.   When this album came out it really surprised me.  It had all the things, groove, heavy guitars, aggressive lyrics but it had this wildness to it.   Serg’s vocal style was like nothing I’d heard before. Closest comparison was Jello Biafra from Dead Kennedy’s but this was a whole different thing.  The music was so spastic and unique.  Yet again giving my band another influence to pull from as we evolved with the music of the day.  Slipknot came out shortly after this and kind of blew me away as it was like nothing before but didn’t really influence me like System Of A Down did.  Slipknot was a breath of fresh air for metal but ended up kind of starting a whole new sub-genre of cheesy Mall-Metal that I never really got into.  Nothing like System Of A Down has really come along which solidifies this album as one of my top 20 influential albums.

Glassjaw: Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Silence /
At The Drive In: Relationship Of Command

Two bands hit the scene around the same time shortly after this that upped the fucking ante big time.  Glassjaw’s Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Silence and At The Drive In’s Relationship of Command.   The pure aggression and crazy vocal delivery from Glassjaw shook my core.  It had elements of some East Coast hardcore bands I’d heard but it was so out of control.  I immediately brought played it for my band mates.  We didn’t know what was happening but we loved it.  At the same time At The Drive In shows up and it’s got a more controlled, off time kind of feel.  But with crazy vocal delivery with lyrics that seemed either random or too intelligent for anyone to understand.  Both bands had that groove to it that hearkened all the way back to bands I’ve listed like Faith No More and Deftones but did something completely new and unique with it.  I’m not even sure which band should get this spot so I’m going to have them share it.  Even tho they are really different bands they represent the same innovation and  musical reboot  for me at the time. 

Queens Of The Stone Age:  Songs For The Deaf
An engineer who was working on my band’s album in 2002 or so wouldn't shut up about this band.  I think he was from the same area as them and gave us some CD’s to listen to.  A couple older Queens Of The Stone Age albums and some Kyuss.  I was like OK, yea, its’ kinda like stoney Soundgarden.  It’s not bad, I can see why he liked it but it’s not really hitting for me.  Then right around that same time this album came out and MTV was playing the video for No One Knows or whatever the first single was.  I instantly liked it and was surprised to see it was that boring stoner band that Miles made me listen to.  I immediately went and got the record and was blown away.  The drumming was incredible and found out shortly after that it was non other than Dave Grohl who I hadn’t heard of from anything but Foo Fighters back on drums.  Despite not really liking the Foo, this album started my ongoing love affair for Grohl, the rock n roll advocate and drummer… Not the Foo Fighters front man.   Anyway a few years later I’m in a new band that’s a little bit more rock & roll than my other bands were, I found myself ripping off Dave’s drum style from this album left and right.  Huge, inspiration for me still.  And this album still shreds.  Other Queens’ albums after this not so much. 

Mastodon: Leviathan
I was cruising the Tower Records by my office on my lunch break thumbing through CD’s and stopped on this album.  I’d never heard of the band and knew nothing about them but the name “Mastodon”  and the album art just kind of made me decide that I needed to buy it.  I took it back to work and put it in my computer and was more than pleasantly surprised.  It was heavy, it was slightly proggy but it had a laid back vibe that felt new to me.  It was in the same vein as Queens but totally not.  It kind of reminded me of some of the thrash from the late 80’s but chilled out.  The drums were really up front in the song writing too which  I always appreciate.  There wasn’t much else like it at the time that I was aware of other than The Bronx which I found from an out of left field  recommendation from the morning radio DJ I listened to.   A couple years later I plugged Mastodon into Pandora and it spit out Red Fang and High On Fire which I love now.  Those bands turned me onto Doomriders, Young Widows and Whores and a ton of what I guess you would call Stoner Metal.  I love all that shit now.  And don’t tell my current punk band but I’m slowing introducing elements of in our newer songs. 

 All of these may not be my favorite album by said artist, some are but they hit me in the feels at the right time in my life and put me on a new path in one way or another. I hope you enjoyed taking this journey with me.  If you have never heard of any of these I encourage you to look them up in you streaming app of choice and check em out.  They changed my life. 

Apr 8, 2020

In-N-Out Fantasy Menu PYMHM

Since my secluded little city, Eureka California is about to have it's very own In N Out Burger and because of this current health pandemic we're in,  it's going to open without the full fanfare it deserves.  In honor of this event, I thought I'd bring back this classic  Post You Might Have Missed.   

TFW a customer orders off the secret menu.
A while back I ran into an old friend who happened to be a manager at an In N Out.  The subject of the secret menu came up and he confirmed everything I could find and more.  He pretty much shot down more obscure items I'd seen on the internet like The Monkey Style and the Inside Out but what was the most intriguing for me was the stuff the employees make for themselves that aren't on the regular menu or the secret menu. So that got me thinking of other shit you could make, not necessarily order, with the limited ingredients available
to you in a standard In N Out kitchen.   Ground beef, potato, lettuce, onion, tomato, In N Out Spread, condiments, pickles, cheese, buns French Fries etc. They also have hot peppers by request. Don't forget the milkshakes!


So without further ado, I give you the In and Out Fantasy Menu. Things you technically can make but can't and probably should never order.

"Monkey Style" 
Any burger with fries in it.
I know this was on there before but since its been denied, we'll put it in here.  I had heard this was actually on the Secret Menu but it has been confirmed to not be.

"Inside Out" 
This is any burger with the bun flipped around and grilled. to look and feel like sourdough. I'd heard this being able to order too. Sometimes called the "Grilled Sourdough" but it's not real. 

And now for the items my friend Jimbo and I came up with along with giving clever names to the stuff my friend from In N Out told me about.
(some of this might be NSFW)   

"Dirty Sanchez" K

2  x 4 with peppers and extra grilled onions on a burger with no lettuce.

"Hash Browns" K

Fries smashed on the grill and then fried in the fryer.

"Brunch” K
Add Hash Browns to any burger. Add extra cheese. 

"Onion Rings" K

Deep fried onions instead of grilled

"Rodeo Style" K

Add Onion Rings to any burger

"Mustard Style" K
Mustard cooked burger with extra pickles and mustard and extra lettuce.

“Hot Carl" K

Mustard Style with peppers. No lettuce.

“Grandma's Meatloaf" K

Ketchup soaked cooked patty with ketchup and grilled onions"

"Road Kill"  K and In N Out guy.
Animal Fries, with chopped patty, covered in ketchup.

"Leather Style" J

Well done burger (possibly even burnt) and extra toasted bun. Dry, no condiments or toppings.

"Leatherface”  J, K
Leather Style with extra ketchup and cheese. (served with a knife)

"Spuds Mackenzie" K

Grilled Cheese with Fries cooked in.

"Sloppy Joe" K, In N Out Guy

Chopped up meat, grilled onions and In N Out Spread.

"DIY style” J

Everything on the side. Can be ordered with any burger

"The Twins" J

A Double Double Split open and open faced.  One patty and cheese on each half of the bun


“Big Fish Eats Little Fish” J

Double Double with a regular cheese burger in between the Meat of the double double

“The Tim Taylor" K

4 open packets of artificial sweetener served with a plastic knife and a straw.

“Heart Attack Special" K

5 x 10, or 5 patties 10 cheese, 2 for each patty. Raw onions. Substitute mayo.

“Guerra Del  Coraz√≥n Especial” K

Heart Attack Special with hot peppers and grilled onions. 

4 x 4 Animal Style with peppers, fries and no lettuce.

“Cheese Volcano Burger" J
A Double Double with 3 cheese slices melted on the top of the bun.

"The Present” J
Well Done Fries wrapped in a lettuce leaf with a tomato on top.

“Sticks in The Mud"  J

Fries with Chocolate shake on top (Dine-In Only)

“Atkins Sucks! Style" J
2 sets of (4) buns on any burger.

"The Poop Fry" In N Out Guy

Chopped up patty, chopped tomatoes,  cheese, peppers and grilled onion on fries.  (He said they actually make this for themselves)

"Sourdough Bacon Swiss"  K

Inside Out toasted buns with one mustard soaked patty cooked extra well done, second patty med well. with mayonnaise, tomato and grilled onions.

"Hemorrhoids" K

Deep fried burger chunks with ketchup.

"Lincoln Logs"  J

4 x 4 with fries between each layer

"Log Cabin”  K

A small structure of carefully stacked alternating Fries with a single burger cut into 4 pieces inside.

“Zombie Fingers" K

French fries dipped in ketchup then deep fried.

“Twigs & Berries" K

Burnt patty chopped up with fries and grilled onions

"Swamp Style" J
2- Cheese Burgers stuffed into a medium drink cup filled with Coca-Cola.

"Monte Cristo" K

A Double Double with grilled onions. The whole thing gets deep fried and sprinkled with a sugar packet and drizzled with strawberry shake mix. 

“Beef and Chips” J

Hamburger patty cut in to strips served over Well Done Fries.

"fish n chips” J,K

Beef and Chips, mayo mixed with chopped up pickles on the beef and extra salt on the fries.

“Turds" K

Strips of med well patty deep fried and served with a selection of condiments on the side for dipping.

“Golden Nuggets" K

A variation of Turds. Strips of burger coated heavily with mustard and deep fried. Served with mustard.

“Dead Man's Bed" J

10 x10 (10 patties, 10 cheese)  served on a bed of Animal Style Fries.

“Ronald Style" K

One patty, med. Cheese, ketchup, mustard, pickle and chopped raw onion.
Smashed flat after its made. 

“The Big Mick" K

3 buns (one in the middle) 2 patties, 2 cheese with In N Out Spread and mayo, chopped onions, pickles and chopped lettuce. Served inside two French Fry boats. 

"Fried Ice Cream" K

Scoop of Vanilla Milk Shake poured into a bed of toasted bun crumbs, rolled and flash deep fried. Served in a Small Drink Cup. topped with chocolate milk shake flavoring.

“Chocolate Cow-Tail" In N Out Guy

Chocolate Shake and Coke (He’s tried is and says its pretty good)

“Wendy’s Pigtails” K

Any shake with french fries in it.

"Pina Colada" K

Root Beer, Dr. Pepper, and Orange soda with Vanilla Shake and 10 sweet & low packets.

This is where the original list ended but with the help of fellow bloggers and friends we came up with a ridiculous amount of stupid menu items.  It got so crazy I created a separate blog for all of our ideas and related articles we would come across.  This blog has been dormant for almost a decade so it might be a little rough around the edges but if you want to dive deeper into this ludicrous above-ground swimming pool that is this topic, click the link to check out The In-N-Out Fantasy Menu Blog.  Shortly after I published this MAXIM Magazine did a piece on the Secret Menu and mistakenly suggested a few of the fake Fantasy Menu items from my list.  The comments section on the online post was hilarious.  There were quite a few comments that went something like "I tried to order (insert stupidly fake name) and they said I couldnt order it, what the hell Maxim!?"  I had a considerable surge in traffic that week on a blog that was created mainly just for me and a few funny people who were bored.

Thanks for reading, and don't try to order these.  I hope this pandemic dies down so we can all properly enjoy our new In N Out when it eventually opens.

Stay safe, stay home, wash your hands.  We can get through this if we just stop being stupid and selfish.  Thank you too all the essential workers out there keeping things running while everyone stays home and complains about spending time with their kids.