Oct 29, 2018

Making Some Waffles With The Noggins

I've posted about waffles before, even a special holiday version of this recipe but this is my go-to waffle recipe.  Bon appetit! 

DISCLAIMER: I make this without any measuring cups or spoons every time so I'm not really sure of the exact amounts of shit.
  • Plug in your fucking waffle maker. 
  • Get a bowl big enough to put all of this in.
  • Start with more than a cup of flour. Not quite 2 cups. About as much as you can scoop out of the flour jar with your hand 2 times.
  • About a tablespoon and half of sugar. Like a shallow palm full. 
  • About a half of a teaspoon or like 3 or 4 taps of baking powder. (not soda) 
  • 4-5, maybe 6 shakes of the salt shaker of salt. 
  • Kinda whisk that together.  If you don't have a whisk or just too lazy to dirty another fancy dish, rinse off a dirty fork from the sink.
  • Optional cornstarch. I don't really know why you'd add this but a couple recipes I saw used it and I add it sometimes. Try it out. If I do, I use the back of the fork handle to scoop a couple scoops in.
  • Just one whole egg.  I've seen recipes that beat the whites separately until thick then fold them in or to just use the yolks but fuck that shit. Seems like too much work for a god damn waffle. And if you were about to just put a whole egg into the bowl without cracking it, firstly I'm surprised you got this far without burning down your house you fucking idiot. Secondly, put down the eggs, unplug the waffle maker and back out of the kitchen slowly.  Go watch TV.  
  • Around a tablespoon of vegetable oil.  I just eyeball it and pour it in.  I've started experimenting with adding even more oil so add more if you want. We've been out of oil for a while and I've just been using a wide slice of butter melted in the microwave. I like butter. TIP: even if you don't have oil or butter the 2 cups of syrup you pour on it when its done wont care either way.
  • I sometimes add about half a cap of vanilla extract. I say 'sometimes' because sometimes I forget because it's the morning. I usually don't notice its in there or not. I used to think that I really needed the vanilla and used whiskey instead. I don't remember noticing the difference.
  • Then the milk, sometimes (all the time) I'm out of milk, I've used just plain water or sour cream with water or cool whip or vanilla ice cream...Ive even mixed up Coffemate™ store brand powder creamer into some hot water and used that. If all you have is nut-based milk, that kinda works too but it's essentially just white-colored water. 
  • Pour a little and mix a little, and pour and mix until its about the thickness of waffle batter. 
  • Mix everything until mixed then let it sit and have a couple sips of coffee or whatever you like to drink in the morning or other appropriate beverage depending on the time of day. Just give it a minute to do it's thing.
  • Top with the cheapest maple flavored syrup you can find. The bigger the container it comes in the better. I also get butter flavor if it's on sale because even tho I like butter It's extra work to put it on every waffle every time. Just whatever you do don't fuck up and buy "Pancake Syrup" because that shit is not Maple anything and it tastes like molasses that got poured out of a dog asshole. It may be the only thing I've ever returned to a grocery store.
  • Scoop out a ladle full or if the ladle is on the other side of the kitchen just pour in about a Starbucks grande lid size glob in the center of the waffle maker. If you're rich and have cooking spray use that on the top and bottom.
    Makes about 4 waffles.  FYI: I have a proper, thin waffle maker. Not a stupid thick Belgian waffle maker. Amount of waffles may vary. 

You can do whatever you want with this or just ignore it completely. This is what I do when I'm having a waffle craving at 7 in the morning. I recommend eating waffles before you shower and get ready for work because if you're anything like me, you WILL get syrup on your clothes and you will smell it all day and not be able to tell where it is on you. Have a wonderful day waffle lover!
TIP: I've seen people suggest having the oven on low, and put them in the oven as you're making them so they aren't soggy when you're done with the batch.  I don't do this because if I don't end up eating one as the next one's cooking until I've eaten 4 waffles by myself in my underwear in the kitchen, I'll just throw them in a freezer bag and freeze them for later.  You can just pop them in the toaster like Eggos.  But home-made fucking Eggos. 

Oct 19, 2018

Inspired Inspiration

So I've been starting to write lyrics more and a couple of them are starting to make their way into my band's songs.   Inspiration comes from everywhere they say.  Today I stumbled upon a website that's basically a collection of letters, notes and photos that people find in the trash or on the ground and send in.  A few of the letters caught my attention and I turned them into lyrics.  I hope they turn into songs at one point.  I'm really enjoying this new creative outlet.  And remember these are written for a punk band so it's not going to be and long epic sagas.

Here's what I came up with ...

Cautionary Tale:
Do not use dryer 26
unless you want your precious panties
to look like this.

ripped to shreds and all tore up
Used to be my favorite pair and
they were good luck.

Panty warning at the Laundromat
Panty warning at the Laundromat

I see that something has gone wrong
Dryer 26 will eat your thong
Ladies, ladies, please beware
Dont use 26 if you care.

About my
Panty warning at the Laundromat
Panty warning at the Laundromat

Do not use dryer 26
unless you want your new lace and silk
to get all ripped

Panty warning at the Laundromat
Panty warning at the Laundromat

Connie Said
Connie said, you can drop dead.

she said…
You’re a lying piece of shit.
you can go kick rocks
you can have
That little skank box

She said she’s done
She said Fuck you.
She said it’s over.
Now all you have to do

is Drop Dead!!!!
Connie said, you can drop dead
Drop Dead!

Connie said, you can drop dead.
Drop Dead!

Hard Feelings
You could say that
my feelings are mixed
I thought for a long time
but it came out like this

I thought things were going fine
but I kind of feel like I hate you and love you
at the same time

Sometimes It’s good
and sometimes it’s bad
You’re the best thing and worst thing
I’ve ever had

I don’t quite know how to say it,
and I don’t fully know why
but I kind of feel like I hate you and love you
at the same time.

I’m sorry if this is harsh
or if it sounds mean
we might feel better next year
when we turn thirteen.

The only thing I can think of
the only words I can find
Is that I kind of feel like I hate you and love you
At the same time.

Never Done Donnie
Donnie’s in there
with his biz
you creep outside his door
now he can’t jizz

You’re fucking up his concentration
It makes it hard to for masturbation
Without going full duration
He’ll never reach ejaculation

He left this note
for you to find
To let you know that
he’s jerking off inside

You’re fucking up his concentration
Makes it hard for masturbation
Without going full duration
He’ll never reach ejaculation

Oct 16, 2018

So I Joined a Second Band

In my nearly 30 years of playing music I've never, as far as I can remember been in two bands simultaneously.   My main punk rock band Dead Drift started out with me learning a hand full of songs and eventually helping with the collaborative song writing process.  Now I'm back learning stuff again for this new band Not Ewe.  Gonna be fun seeing where the writing goes as this music is a bit different than Dead Drift.   So far balancing two bands has been less than hectic.  Hope to have some music to share soon.  They have a facebook page. 

Also if you didn't know about my other band you can find Dead Drift at Facebook and Youtube.  New stuff is coming soon!  (I write lyrics now!)

Oct 3, 2018

I Guess We All Follow Trump on Twitter Now?

Just be glad he didn't accidentally send the dick pic he was trying to send to Kim Jong Un.

I love you Kim!