Oct 29, 2018

Making Some Waffles With The Noggins

I've posted about waffles before, even a special holiday version of this recipe but this is my go-to waffle recipe.  Bon appetit! 

DISCLAIMER: I make this without any measuring cups or spoons every time so I'm not really sure of the exact amounts of shit.
  • Plug in your fucking waffle maker. 
  • Get a bowl big enough to put all of this in.
  • Start with more than a cup of flour. Not quite 2 cups. About as much as you can scoop out of the flour jar with your hand 2 times.
  • About a tablespoon and half of sugar. Like a shallow palm full. 
  • About a half of a teaspoon or like 3 or 4 taps of baking powder. (not soda) 
  • 4-5, maybe 6 shakes of the salt shaker of salt. 
  • Kinda whisk that together.  If you don't have a whisk or just too lazy to dirty another fancy dish, rinse off a dirty fork from the sink.
  • Optional cornstarch. I don't really know why you'd add this but a couple recipes I saw used it and I add it sometimes. Try it out. If I do, I use the back of the fork handle to scoop a couple scoops in.
  • Just one whole egg.  I've seen recipes that beat the whites separately until thick then fold them in or to just use the yolks but fuck that shit. Seems like too much work for a god damn waffle. And if you were about to just put a whole egg into the bowl without cracking it, firstly I'm surprised you got this far without burning down your house you fucking idiot. Secondly, put down the eggs, unplug the waffle maker and back out of the kitchen slowly.  Go watch TV.  
  • Around a tablespoon of vegetable oil.  I just eyeball it and pour it in.  I've started experimenting with adding even more oil so add more if you want. We've been out of oil for a while and I've just been using a wide slice of butter melted in the microwave. I like butter. TIP: even if you don't have oil or butter the 2 cups of syrup you pour on it when its done wont care either way.
  • I sometimes add about half a cap of vanilla extract. I say 'sometimes' because sometimes I forget because it's the morning. I usually don't notice its in there or not. I used to think that I really needed the vanilla and used whiskey instead. I don't remember noticing the difference.
  • Then the milk, sometimes (all the time) I'm out of milk, I've used just plain water or sour cream with water or cool whip or vanilla ice cream...Ive even mixed up Coffemate™ store brand powder creamer into some hot water and used that. If all you have is nut-based milk, that kinda works too but it's essentially just white-colored water. 
  • Pour a little and mix a little, and pour and mix until its about the thickness of waffle batter. 
  • Mix everything until mixed then let it sit and have a couple sips of coffee or whatever you like to drink in the morning or other appropriate beverage depending on the time of day. Just give it a minute to do it's thing.
  • Top with the cheapest maple flavored syrup you can find. The bigger the container it comes in the better. I also get butter flavor if it's on sale because even tho I like butter It's extra work to put it on every waffle every time. Just whatever you do don't fuck up and buy "Pancake Syrup" because that shit is not Maple anything and it tastes like molasses that got poured out of a dog asshole. It may be the only thing I've ever returned to a grocery store.
  • Scoop out a ladle full or if the ladle is on the other side of the kitchen just pour in about a Starbucks grande lid size glob in the center of the waffle maker. If you're rich and have cooking spray use that on the top and bottom.
    Makes about 4 waffles.  FYI: I have a proper, thin waffle maker. Not a stupid thick Belgian waffle maker. Amount of waffles may vary. 

You can do whatever you want with this or just ignore it completely. This is what I do when I'm having a waffle craving at 7 in the morning. I recommend eating waffles before you shower and get ready for work because if you're anything like me, you WILL get syrup on your clothes and you will smell it all day and not be able to tell where it is on you. Have a wonderful day waffle lover!
TIP: I've seen people suggest having the oven on low, and put them in the oven as you're making them so they aren't soggy when you're done with the batch.  I don't do this because if I don't end up eating one as the next one's cooking until I've eaten 4 waffles by myself in my underwear in the kitchen, I'll just throw them in a freezer bag and freeze them for later.  You can just pop them in the toaster like Eggos.  But home-made fucking Eggos. 

No comments: