Red White and Blue?

Alot of people are saying to be peaceful and talk to each other about our disagreements.  The problem with that is history has proven people to be wrong.  Our laws and basic common decency have shown these people to be wrong..  How can you peaceful discuss something like this with people who clearly don't care and don't listen to reason or logic?

In 2016 I shouldn't have to even think about calmly explaining to someone why racism is wrong.  Or what racism actually is and why they're being racist and don't even know it.

I just can't.   I'm not saying burn down your city but this is what makes normally civilized intelligent people flip the fuck out.  Ignorance and intolerance towards people who don't choose to be the people they are.   Yes,  I'm being slightly intolerant towards these jerks, but it's not hypocrisy, you've chosen to be this way.  Despite facts, history, science, etc.  This is what the angry liberals cannot tolerate.  Closedmindedness.

Like I said before, I can handle Trump...  Just not the monster he unleashed on the world.

Don't you understand that he said the things he said so that you would vote for him.  Not because he actually means them.  He's a liar.  Most politicians and businesses people are.  They only want what they want and don't give a shit about you.  It's a known fact that Republicans have admitted that they get the less educated and religious  people because they're more easily swayed.

One thing I can say is thank you to Mr. Trump for showing the true colors of the United States.  Red White and Blue are really just Ignorance, Hate and Fear.

This is about as peaceful as I can be about this.

#onlyinhumboldt

This morning was the most random collection of #onlyinhumboldt moments.

The day started off slow.  It's my Friday so the weight of the week is setting in.  I feel like I might be getting sick and I didn't get enough sleep because I was woken up by very loud rain, then just as I was starting to settle back into my slumber there was a huge flash of lightning followed seconds later with a massive boom.  The thunder sounded like someone set off dynamite I our back yard. 

The morning is more or less dragging so I was eager for my first break of the day.  Finally on my break this customer who looks like he's out of his mind on some sort of illegal drug stops me and asks me my name.  I was apprehensive.  He could barely hold himself up with the empty shopping cart he essentially pushing.  His pupils were irregular and he was slurring his speech.  I reluctantly replied... "kirk"  he then shifted his psychedelic gaze and repeated my name with differ inflection each time.  "Keerrrk, KkeRrk, KiRRRK..."  I ducked out of the way and went to sit outside and drink my coffee. 
#onlyinhumboldt

As I'm sitting outside enjoying the brief break in the crazy weather I see a car pull into the parking lot.  It was a beat up late 90s Toyota Camry or something similar.  I noticed it because the windshield wipers had yellow rope tied to them with the other ends going into the passenger area do the occupants could control the wipers manually. Pretty ingenious low budget Humboldt repair job. 

#onlyinhumboldt

I walk over to where they parked of course to get a photo of this contraption.  As I came around the back of the car a well dressed older woman says to me "do YOU want that?"  and pointed to the ground.  I replied "want what... Ohh is that...?"  she says that it's marijuana and she doesn't want it.  Good eye grandma.  It was two freshly trimmed pretty large buds of weed.  They were one the ground next to  a car as if they just fell out when when some pot farmers opened their door.  I swooped them up and game them to some coworkers that I know smoke pot.  Actually I'm probably the only person there who doesn't.  Anyway. 

#onlyinhumboldt

Then as I go back into the store my manager immediately points at me to follow the weird strung out twacked out guy.  I find him in the door department and follow him as he strangely pushes his shopping cart.  He keeps kicking out his legs like a chicken.  In the cart is a solitary item. A notepad  with a pen clipped to it . After I politely ask him if he's done shopping hoping he'll get the hint he mumbles oddly "I have to check out a few more things then I'm done"  He picks up his notepad and shows me the list. He gets excited and says "I WROTE TOO BIIIIIG"  I see he's got five items scrawled out in letters that were about two inches tall. I asked him if he could even read it and he started rambling off legitimate sounding things like "36 inch exterior door... a few other things I couldn't discern and then "GLUE!!!"  he exclaimed, then continued on the topic of glue. "IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GLUE!!!"   he kept repeating it so I tried to show him glue but he got sidetracked in the BBQ section. I let him look around then he took a Weber brochure. He held it up, looked right at me and pointed to it as if to ask if they were free.  I nodded then he threw it on top of his notepad and kept awkwardly pushing his cart.  Just when I thought I had him out the door he said he wanted to look at some books in the small book section that's near the front door. 

#onlyinhumboldt

I let him be and continue with my job of helping customers.  A woman needed help with lightbulbs and I was confidently helpful.  She wanted two boxes of fluorescent bulbs so I helped her take them to her car.  She was very appreciative and gave me a $10 tip.  This pretty much never happens. Thanks lady!

I go back into the store and I see that the drugged-out dude has come back into the store doing who knows what. I see that some other co-workers are watching him so I go back to the electrical department.  The phone is ringing off the hook so I answer - 'Electrical department this is Kirk' and pretty much every time I get 'Hi Chris, I'm looking for a......' do I mumble on the phone?  He was looking for Dehumidifiers.  This time of year in this part of the country the pot farmers are buying up literally ALL of our dehumidifiers, cheap box fans, not cheap 18" high velocity fans, propane heaters of every variety and a shit-ton of extension cords. The answer to the guy on the phone was no. 

#onlyinhumboldt 

It was a pretty busy day but I found my co-worker who was dealing with the weird dude from earlier. He told me he followed him to our store office where he asked to fill out an application for employment. The office obliged and he sat in there for about 20 minutes filling it out.

Under  "JOB SKILLS" he put.

Nice guy. 

#onlyinhumboldt 

Hey bro, do you espanol?

I went to pick up some Mexican food the other night at a new Mexican restaurant in a really shitty part of town. It's across the street from a flea bag hotel where shitty people live.  Just two days before there was an incident that involved a man with a hatchet attacking people.  Yeah. But it's really good food and they have reasonable prices.  While I was waiting for my order a clearly homeless guy wearing cut off jeans over dirty pajama pants, two different shoes and a tattered blanket comes in and mumbles something about a jalapeño plate.  The guy behind the counter seemed to know what he was asking for and the vagrant pulled out a crumpled up dollar bill, gave it to the clerk, took a paper plate covered with tinfoil and made an elaborate salutation to everyone in the place and left.

Right before I got my food a potentially, but not fully homeless looking Latino guy came in and said "hey bro, (then in a perfect accent) ¿se habla espanol?"  repeated it again along with something else in Spanish.  At this time the woman from the back calls my order and I take my bags but stick around to watch this exchange.  After a few seconds the cashier came out from the back and answerd him in Spanish.  Then in perfect English the Latino guy says "yo bro can I get a couple dollars to take the bus" Now the poor kid working there is thoroughly confused.  At this point he's probably thinking he is trying to bum 2 dollars from a business at the same time not sure if he should be speaking in Spanish or not.  He sort of laughs and replies in English "I'm sorry what do you want?  First you asking if I speaking Spanish then you talk in English"  the guy starts reaching deep into his pants pockets and says "I'm multi-tasking bro I can do it all!  Haha!"  then puts two handfuls of random loose change on the counter and says "I need two dollars for the bus can you help me out bro?"  the cashier has a confused laugh "oooh you want the paper dollars ok"  and helps the guy count two dollars in change then hands him two dollar bills. 

It was completely bizarre. Then as I'm walking back to my car I see flashing lights and it's cop cars and an ambulance in front of the Budget Inn.  The excitement never stops on the  east end of 4th St.  

Busses Only... Except For Me and My Little Angel

watermark left intentionally

I live next to an elementary school and I've talked about the parents dropping off their kids before. About all the stupid shit they do. About how I see them yelling at their kid's like they're a fast food worker who forgot their fries. About how they blast mega bass through insane sound systems while dropping their (now deaf) 2nd graders and about how whenever I would hear a loud bus horn I knew it was because some asshat parent would not only drive in the clearly marked bus lane, they would also stop which blocks the lane then get out and walk their brat to the front of the school. Well, today is the second day of the 2016 school year and my first day off to watch this shit-show live, right from my kitchen window. In recent years they've added a crossing guard to help the kids cross the street, which has been helpful, but this year someone got smart and added a person to help the idiot parents put their cars where they're supposed to. Despite the added traffic cones, arrows that guide you the other way and large "BUS ONLY" letters painted repeatedly on the ground these ignorant self-righteous fucks still want to get right up to the front so their little crotch fruits don't have to walk an extra 40 feet. And despite there being an actual human person standing there with a bright neon vest in a place there's never been a person standing before, they still insist on going through the bus lane. I can almost narrate the conversation in my head that the traffic controller is having through the car window with the parent while It's happening. It goes something like this. Traffic lady: "hello ma'am, you can't drive through there" Mom: "whaat?" Traffic Lady: " Yea that's a bus only lane, we have a child drop off area right over here if you stay to the left" Mom: "Why can't I just go here?" Traffic Lady: "because it's a bus only lane" Mom: "how am I supposed to know that?" Traffic Lady: "because of the cones and the giant letters painted on the road that say BUSSES ONLY, and because I'm telling you" Mom: "When did they change that, I've always parked here" Traffic Lady: "This has always been this way, you've just chosen to break the rules and block the lane for the busses, can you please move over to the left lane there's a line of cars building up behind you now" Mom: (as she angrily struggles to maneuver her giant SUV out of the bus lane over to the long straight empty child drop off zone that's literally 40 feet away she mumbles and trails off) "I always.... Who are you to tell me.... I don't see no busses... what a load of..."

On a typical school morning there are a line of bright orange traffic cones that have the bus lane completely cordoned off. It actually takes more effort to maneuver through them than just follow the proper route. Some parents will use the Faculty parking lot and walk their bastard offspring all the way to their classroom door. While this doesn't block the bus lane it takes up parking spaces for the actual teachers and staff that are supposed to park there.

So as much as I loved the glorious FUCK YOU of the bus horns in the morning It's even sweeter to see people told directly to their stupid faces they are wrong and they've been wrong now for 3 years. Kudos to you traffic lady, we all thank you for your service!

I have Diarrhea...

Earlier today as I was bagging up merchandise for a gray-haired, middle aged lady, just as the receipt was printing she looks up at me with wide, yet calm eyes and says.  "I have diarrhea..... I'll be right back"  and then takes off towards the ladies room.   What caught my attention though, was how cool about it she was when she said it. There was only a slight sense of urgency.  She said 'diarhea' but her demeanor seemed more like 'I forgot to get batteries' –not as severe as one would expect from someone about to violently projectile defecate into their pants at a hardware store. 

UPDATE: "I forgot the batteries" is now code for having to go take a shit amongst fellow employees.

BEST FACEBOOK REPLY: With age comes wisdom... And nonchalant poop emergencies. - Brian Cutright 

The Mysterious Fresh Freeze Incident

Something pretty strange happened while I was picking up some take-out tonight from a local drive-up 50's style diner here in town called Fresh Freeze. It's located at the edge of a shopping district in the middle of town on the corner of F and Harris streets. This is a fairly busy street corner.  I parked on the outside edge of the lot which would put my car facing the street instead of the building. I remember because I usually park in front facing the building but couldn't because there were a lot of people there. I don't know why this is significant but I'm trying to paint somewhat of a picture here. In the corner of the lot next to my car is a big 50's style Fresh Freeze sign.  It was still very light out and as I was walking back to my car I noticed a guy standing near the sign on the sidewalk. He looked like he could be a homeless type person. There's a pretty significant homeless problem in this town and ever since the city evicted 100's of people from a homeless camp recently with little thought on how to help them, they've sort of spread out around town. He wasn't full-on hobo though. He looked like a typical grungy young person I may have hung out with in the 90's. Beanie, longish hair, long trench coat. Imagine, Jay from the Kevin Smith movies.  Anyway, I notice him but pay no further attention to him and continue walking to my car with my food and milkshakes.

I get in my car, set the bags down on the passenger floorboard.  Make sure the milkshake holder is secure for the drive home. Still bent down I plug my phone in and tap the auto-window-down button sort of all in one motion. As I sit back up, window now down, I notice something right outside my car door.  It's the guy.  Right. There.  Sixteen inches from my head. He's in a wide legged stance and with both hands, he's pointing a red digital camera at me reciting this line very bluntly and with full seriousness.  "DO NOT TRY TO CONTACT ME - I WILL FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST YOU" all the while snapping as many pics as he could before I opened my door. I unplugged my phone opened the camera app and got this bit of video, shouting "why are you taking pictures of me"  as he briskly walked away repeating the forementioned warning.

I got back into my car and followed him down Fst.  I had my camera open and ready on burst mode to catch a shot of him.  Apparently so did he.  As I got closer to him I notice that he's walking on the sidewalk at a medium pace, It looks as if he's removed his coat maybe to try to disguise himself. But the interesting thing is that he has his camera pointed backwards. At me!  I slow my car down as I pass and now we're dueling with cameras like members of opposing street gangs during a drive by shooting.  

All I was able to get was this blurry series of pics  as I passed.  

Here's an animated gif of the pics. 

He's probably just some poor guy off his medication and is just having a mental paranoid episode. He probably thinks he's some kind of rogue agent and everyone he sees is in some evil organization that's after him. For all I know the red point-and-shoot digital camera doesnt even work and he found it in a dumpster or something. Just another prop in his delusion.

This whole thing was just sort of surreal and I dont know how to feel about it. I just hope he doesn't try to track me down with my license plate number and stalk me or something.  

Really? A New BLAIR WITCH movie?

A trailer for a new horror movie titled The Woods surfaced recently that many thought resembled the story of the original movie The Blair Witch Project.  On it's own the story of the original Blair Witch Project movie wasn't very groundbreaking. Much like The Woods and many other haunted forest movies it's about a group of young adults that get lost in the woods and  get haunted by an unseen spirit.

With that being said, many aspects of the first Blair Witch Project movie made it truly unique. It revolutionized horror movies. In my opinion more for the worse than for the better because almost every horror movie to be released since then has been the same "found footage" and conveniently low budget filming style  But the way Blair Witch Project was marketed and presented early on, with fake documentaries and historical websites helped create a word of mouth marketing buzz. Then being released in small theater added to it's own mysterious mythology and history. Many people, including myself, while sitting in a leaking, tiny damp theater in Berkeley during a rainstorm, still wasn't sure if it was real or not. People leaving the theater in awe and confusion. All murmuring to each other "what did I just watch?"

Blair Witch Project was the first and last true found footage movie that worked. Every found footage movie to come after (including the Blair Witch sequel)  were a complete joke. Excuses to do cheap production. No one is fooled.

By the time Blair Witch got really popular and people that saw the previews on TV and watched it in the megaplex it was already ruined. The Blair Witch Project that came out in major theaters a few months later was essentially an entirely different movie in a way. I don't blame people for saying "that movie sucked" if they experienced it like this because by then the cat was out of the bag, it really did suck because the mystery was gone.

Now as many suspected the movie with the working title of  The Woods is actually a reboot of the 1999 film The Blair Witch Project. It will be released September 2016 with the title Blair Witch.  To make a full production remake of this is just stupid and lazy.

Crazy Stories Your Brain Creates

It's weird when you see something that looks odd but most likely has a rational explanation and your brain, because it doesn't have the full story creates a crazy one of its own.

I was walking passed a car at the gas station and saw an older woman sitting alone in the passenger seat of a newish BMW.  She had a dazed look on her face staring blankly into the sky at nothing.  Almost like someone you'd see in a hospital who's alive but lost all cognitive function. The car had Oregon license plates and my mind immediately concocted a script about someone who broke their grandmother out of an institution and was traveling south through California to escape to Mexico to get experimental treatment.

Vaping Visitor from Another Dimension?

This morning I am pretty sure that I witnessed someone dissappear into a portal. 

I was just pulling off of my street and I saw a large puff of smoke.  What appeared to be the smoke, rather vapor from a vaporizer, or electronic cigarette being smoked by a man in his late 20s. He was wearing baggy pants and a large jacket.  This is a pretty typical sight in the city that I live in so other than the large white plume catching my eye I would have never noticed.  He was walking on the sidewalk towards me on the opposite side of the street.  Just as I saw him he sort of ducked and pivoted to his right into an alcove behind the Subway restaurant.  As if to spit something or light a cigarette to get out of the wind.  I thought this was curious.  I wanted to see what he was doing in the small plants in front of what is now a dog grooming shop that I go to.  I was concerned with vandalism or something.  So as I pass I look back and he was gone.  The grooming shop wasn't open yet so he didn't go in there.  Not that he could at the angle I was viewing him I would have seen anyone use the entrance to the shop.  Subway has no doors on that side of the building.  So he definitely didn't go there.  The foliage was just a small low lying bush that no one could hide behind.  The guy just disappeared.  Or went through some kind of inter-dimensional portal of some kind.  Or he was an alien or time traveler. I don't know what it was, all I know is that he was there puffing out a large cloud of vapor and gone the next. 

It was a very odd thing to see. 

Facbook: We were promised a "thumbs down" button.

If you dont use Facebook, congratulations. Please skip to the next post. This isn't for you. 

All the rumors were pointing towards Facebook adding a thumbs down button to show a different reaction in posts.  And what we got was a sweet pile off feel good icons that all but two mean you like the post.  I was never concerned with whether or not someone knew the level of like in my thumbs up.  Spending sleepless nights wondering if I just liked their post or if I hearted it or lol'd it. I like the mad and sad icons but those could be summed up in the thumbs down we were supposed to get. I like the ambiguity of a simple like or dislike. Sometimes a middle finger would be good to have.

Fake Numbers for Women's Sizes...Why?

We can't have true equality until they stop with the women's sizes for shit. I wear a 10.5 shoe and 38 waist pants... Because, inches. You know an actual term of measurement. Women's sizes are arbitrary, feel-good numbers invented by designers. "I'm a size 8!" 8 what?  What scale is that even on? Oh you're a size zero?  Really, you're fucking invisible? That makes no sense on any planet.

What if the oil industry decided that vehicles like trucks and hummers and shit get to use Man Gallons instead of regular gallons. This Hummer Tank SUV gets 5000 miles to the gallon! Man Gallons that is!  Yippie Ki Yay!  

What if the food industry decided that a woman's size for shit like designer yogurt and lean cuisines was a made up amount too? "I only had zero ounces of diet coke today" after drinking a six pack. That shit sounds stupid because it is.

Knock it off. Use real measurements stop lying to people to make them feel better. 

Hardware Storing Like a Boss

A customer approaches me in the paint department asking about spray adhesive. I inquire to learn more about his project so I can get him the best product. All he tells me is that he needs something that won't take the paint off the walls when he takes the thing he's gluing back off as its a temporary thing and he's renting the place.  After asking more questions he tells me it's foam, sound proofing foam.  Like egg crate foam material.  I tell him my band experience with soundproofing and temporary spaces. In this case just like my situation was, he tells me it's a bedroom. I tell him what we did and we bounced ideas back and forth. How he's describing the material it sounds like professional audio quality sound foam.  I like to talk shop with other musicians and music people and at this point I'm convinced he's building a recording studio rather than a band space so I ask "so are you building a recording studio?" He hesitates with a smirk and says "my girlfriend is really loud"  another pause. During this brief period of time I was thinking that they fight or something like that then he continues  with "she's loud when we fuck and the neighbors are complaining"

Not exactly what I was expecting and it caught me off guard.  I was ready to be in full music nerd mode then he lays that on me.  I laughed and joked back to him that the gags are on aisle 5. He chuckled then thanked me for my advice and we parted ways with big smiles on our faces. 

Like a boss.

Movie Review: Willow Creek

Alex Pardee's poster art.

Time for another review for a movie that's been out for a while. This time it's the Bigfoot horror movie, WILLOW CREEK.  I had known about this movie for a while since it was made in areas around where I live in Humboldt and Del Norte counties. There was a big opening at a theater here in Arcata where some celebrities including the writer/director Bobcat Goldthwait were in attendance. Even some well known artists I'm fans of. I missed it in the theaters and on DVD so when I saw it on Showtime I set my DVR to record it.  

Willow Creek is an actual real town nestled in the valley of the Trinity mountains about an hour's drive East from where I'm typing this. The town and most of this area is famously associated with Big Foot as the name "Big Foot" was coined here in the 1950's.  

This movie is shot in the found-footage documentary style. If you've read my reviews before you know I completely hate it.  It follows two good looking, spoiled brat wannabe actors from Los Angeles who think it would be cool to come to the Trinity National Forest, find the location where the famed Patterson Bigfoot film was shot back in the 60's and document it on video. They bring with them a complete lack of respect for the locals and the wilderness. 

half the fucking movie is this.

Three quarters of the movie is a boring home movie with the couple driving and some interviews of locals. Mostly driving. Then hiking. Night falls and we get a long scary-sounds-around-the-tent scene stolen right from Blair Witch followed by a cliche lost-in-the-woods scene which keeps you yelling at the screen "no compass? No gps? No bread crumbs? C'mon guys! " Somehow they wander through the forest for 12 hours till the next night where they are surrounded by the same scary sounds again until it culminates in a very unsatisfying off-camera attack and camera drag through the grass. A naked fat lady and...... Title screen. The end. Boosh!!!!!!!

As I was examining the credits get reminded that one of the bay area artists I follow, Alex Pardee was involved which while it was being made I remember getting kind of excited about visuals from his wild imagination. Sorely disappointed on that idea. He maybe did the poster art along with seeing places I've been to in a movie, are probably the most interesting things about this movie. And his version of the poster isn't even the official artwork for the movie. 

Overall this movie sucked.  This is a badly done, mostly boring, bigfoot themed Blair Witch Project rip off.  I can't believe so many people were excited about this pile of sasquatch dung. 

January 9th, 2016 - 10:33AM - 10:33PM

10:33 AM: Silver minivan blasting Led Zeppelin.

12:37 PM: It's raining outside. Don't want to go out for lunch. 

12:39 PM: Buy sandwich from Ramones. Head to the lunch room. 

12:41 PM: The lunch room is permanently stained with the scent of microwave lasagna.

12:56 PM: I almost ate a huge bite of the paper my sandwich was wrapped in.

12:57 PM: Bob asks if it's ok to play his music in the lunch room. He put on 311. Carson got up and left.

1:05 PM:  Someone put a bottle in the can recycling. 


1:30 PM: Sarah is cleaning the pens at register 1.

1:32 PM: Sarah is cleaning literally everything at register 1. 

1:37 PM: Register 1 is pristine. 

1:39 PM: woman in her 70s wearing an OBEY flatbill hat.

1:41 PM: As I was making a pretend sneeze as if to put germs all over the newly disinfected register 1, I sneezed for real. 

1:48 PM: Woman with very loud sweater. 

1:50 PM: Man with American Flag shirt getting free coffee. 

2:35 PM: When I said that she needed to sign, customer reached for her ink pen. I stopped her and instructed her to use the electronic stylus.

3:08 PM: Sarah is now cleaning the pocket reference books. Individually, by hand.

3:29 PM: Woman in teal members only jacket looks mad at something.

3:33 PM: She's smiling now

3:35 PM: Vacancy. They's has it.













3:38 PM: someone spilled coffee, maybe Pepsi, at the gas station mini mart. Wet floor sign is in my way.

5:22 PM: Old man with back problems hunched over fully while he walks swiftly with a cane.

5:36 PM: Old man with back problems now at register. Without cane. He smells like farts. 

5:39 PM: Helped farting old man find his cane.

6:15 PM: Finally going home. I feel like I need to poop soon. Not urgently, just soon.

6:26 PM: Finally got to take a shit. Forgot to use the Poopouri.

6:37 PM: Friend is house/pet sitting for people with a Tortoise. 

6:48 PM: Gonna go see a Giant Tortoise.

7:32 PM: Tortoise! 


8:15 PM: In a crazy 100 year old house with a tortoise.

8:18 PM: Taking tour of the house. Pretty sure it's haunted. 

"kids room" they don't have kids.

8:32 PM: Eating Papa Murphy's pizza. Also ate 3 Habanero stuffed olives. Gave me hiccups.

8:33 PM: Only thing to drink besides water and alcoholic beverage is 2 cans of Root Beer left on the counter by the homeowner.

8:39 PM: This house feels like grandparents live here. But it's a young couple with weird taste. OMG, it's a hipster house! 

8:39.44 PM: They have a VCR and VHS movies.

8:46 PM: Watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit on VHS.


9:32 PM: Playing Cards Against Humanity. Feeling drowsy. 

9:50 PM: Taking pictures with Roo.

note the drowz

10:05 PM: Really drowsy. I feel like I got drugged. Wonder if the root beer was expired.

10:33 PM: Go home. sleep.

Wine Glasses and Why I Hate Them

I broke another wine glass doing the dishes this morning. 

I don't drink wine or any other alcohol. But in my experience as an observer, wine above all is the most self-loving full of shit alcoholic beverage there is. But this isn't that blog post. This is about the glasses from my perspective: A non drinker who does the dishes. Awkward, top-heavy, thin, fragile easy to break wine glasses. Which, to my wine drinking girlfriend's dismay, I manage to break on a regular basis. Because they're awkward and have to be washed by hand.  

actual plague infested rat wine deaths. 

I tried to look it up because in my head I was positive that the history of stemmed glasses came from preventing plague rats from getting into the wine but I couldn't find anything. What I did find is that it has to do with the temperature of the wine. Because if your hot ass person hand touches the bowl of the glass it will completely ruin the wine. 
When was the last time you knew you were being served wine at the incorrect temperature? Do you know what the correct temperature of any given red wine is? How many people do you see at a wine tasting tour holding a wine glass by the bowl anyway? I see it all the time and not one person at the winery corrects them. I've never seen a thermometer at a wine tasting room and most of the time the wine is left on the counter between pours. So fuck that theory right in the bung hole. Benefit of the doubt, let's say it does affect the wine so why not just serve it in a glass with a handle on it? surely your hand on the handle isn't affecting the temperature enough to change the ever-so-delicate wine. If temperature is such an important factor, why do 90% of beer glasses not have stems? I know, its because beer isn't supposed to be cold America. So why do we latch on so hard to wine glasses but chill our brews?  

As with every type of alcoholic drink there's a specific type of glass with some science behind it but in the end you're getting drunk, the host of the party is now pouring the boxed wine in your fancy glass and you won't even know the difference. Actually studies have shown that wine experts can't even tell the difference sober. So fuck you wine. 
We now own a set of stemless wine glasses which I'm excited about but based on all the reasons I've just mentioned they should not even exist. But they do, and they're popular because most people don't know they're fucking up when they drink wine and because with most of the wine regular people drink, temperature isn't that big of a deal... so take that pointless stems.