I Saw Aquaman and I Have Some Questions

I never had any interest in the DC universe yet still I begrudgingly went with some friends to see the new Aquaman movie.  I never saw the Justice League movie so I really didnt know much about this version of the character other than it was making some housewives cream in their mom-jeans.

Anyway,  for the most part it was action packed and entertaining but I had questions.  I mean, I know it's a movie and it's superheroes and were supposed to have a suspension of disbelief  but still some stuff had me wondering... 

THERES TONS OF SPOILERS HERE

How is Mera not literally Ariel from the little mermaid?  I mean she checks all the boxes. 

• Red flowing hair ✓

• Lives in the sea ✓

• Friends with animals ✓

• From a royal sea family ✓

• Beauty a villain would want to steal ✓

While she eats a flower like a dummy who's never been out of the ocean her whole life my friend Rosie sitting next to me says "Classic Ariel"  lol 

Right after they have a whole part about the sea people giving back all the trash and warships that pollute the oceans, Mera says "I have my ship hidden here"  ... in a discarded shipping container in a field of trash on the bottom of the ocean.  

And they're pissed about the war ships but why are they basically a highly militarized society with crazy weapons and huge armies.  

Where do they poop? 

There's a huge underlining theme/message about pollution and that's why they want to wage war on the land people... but they have sprawling cities with technology and electricity and engines and shit.  How do they not have pollution too?  Why didnt they just share their carbon negative energy source to the land people 100 years ago?  

Why cant the Wet Storm Troopers breathe air like Mera, Aquaman, his shitty brother, his mom and Green Goblin? 

Does it bother anyone else that the actor that plays Aquaman's YOUNGER brother is 6 years older than Jason Mamoa who plays Aquaman. 

When they're in a huge storm on the water and having a hard time driving their boat why doesn't Mera just calm the water the fuck down with her water powers?

Why doesn't Mera just suck the water out of the water storm troopers suits? Better yet, they make a whole scene about her summoning the drop of sweat from his forehead for the magic machine but then never acknowledge the fact that she could use this power to suck the water out of anyone and just kill them. This is a really serious power to have, that she uses to make fish dance in a fountain.
Why doesn't Aquaman just talk to the sea animals that the bad guys are using as transportation and tell them to turn around? 

Why does everyone speak English?  (Except the Brine kingdom I think they had subtitles) 

How did Manta hook up with the sea people?  How was he not shitting balls about what was basically an alien civilization with technology and shit?   Oh he's so mad at Aquaman he's willing to disregard that in order to get revenge.  And why did they trust him to not totally out their existence with the evidence of water-based plasma weapons they gave him?  Oh by the way too Manta, he has a human dad you can kill too if you really wanted to get even... An old man human dad who just bops around his lighthouse and occasionally goes to the bar.  Sweet manta suit tho bro. 

The Trench was one of the kingdoms?  This would make me assume that they are a civilization with organized culture like the other kingdoms.  But they seem to just be savage wild animals.   I may have missed the part where they say they devolved.  

I get it, most of the oceans have not been explored but how do you miss an energy signal like that and fucking bright ass lights, cars, traffic, tons of unknown huge sea creatures and basically whole multiple fucking civilizations?  

I'm glad the horribly CG created Mer-People from the oddly named Fisherman Kingdom that they showed a bunch in the trailers was only in the movie for like 10 seconds.

Oh yea!  I almost forgot about the Land of the Lost world with dinosaurs, beaches with tides, rivers, mountains, plants, ruins of human civilizations, sunlight, sky, air... in "the center of the earth"  What the actual fuck DC?

Mom's hair is the only thing that aged on her.   Other than her dead botoxed upper lip Nicole Kidman is still pretty fucking hot.

Also, all of this is taking place in the Atlantic Ocean, the smaller of the two large seas of the Earth.  Is this to say that there's not a thriving undersea world  of communities and ancient monarchies that inhabit the Pacific Ocean?  I mean, fuck it right why not?

They had to put a fucking octopus playing drums in there.  I'm sure theres more but that was what did it for me. A fucking octopus?  What is this the Flintstones? 

See you next time ...at the movies!  

For Lack of a Better Name

I've been noticing a trend around the area that I live in where new businesses confuse a complete lack of creativity and laziness with being clever. Many of these places are good and I enjoy going to them but I'm getting really sick of the way they come up with business names. In particular, naming the business after the location or taking the location and combining it with the type of business to make a cute stupid name.

When we moved here I got a sarcastic chuckle out of "511" because it's kind of cryptic enough and it's a bar. There was also a little wine room called "2 Doors Down" which was actually an extension of Brick & Fire that was literally two doors down from it. I'll give them a pass.

My complain face.

Places like Cafe Marina, Gill's By the Bay and Cafe Waterfront and shit like have always been here.  It's typical of a town near the water.  So, that is acceptable I guess since they' are next to the water.  Except Bayfront, that place is a fucking enigma.  It's next to the bay, which works for that name but they're not really a seafood place which you would expect from  a place with "Bay" in it's name.  There's aptly, but not really that creatively named "Jack's Seafood" just down the boardwalk from them. Guess what they specialize in?  Anyway,  unlike Jack's  Bayfront is,  get this,  Japanese Teppanyaki, sushi, Italian food and sandwiches.  WTF even are you?  

There was a hull of an old Mexican restaurant I would drive by all the time and wonder what the hell was going on with that place. Everyone used to say it was a front for drug dealers which is completely possible in Humboldt county. Then a couple years ago there was some activity and we all got excited about a new burger joint. It finally opened and they called it "Sixth & E" which was fine. It wasn't clever tho, it just was. It was located on the corner of 6th and E st. We made jokes about not remembering where it was when people would ask us about it. One of the first things I noticed was that their logo sucked and menu was ugly and had a ton of spelling errors, but the food was and still is really good. We still go there all the time.

About a year later came a new bar in a renovated historic space in Old Town. The location is famously remembered as the Schooner Bar and everyone was excited for it to re-open and then they did and called it "North of Fourth" ... North of Fourth? It rhymes I guess. They're really banking on the ability of people to know where North is while stumbling around Old Town at 11pm.

The wonderful Gallagher's Irish pub and restaurant is located on a predominant corner entrance on the ground floor of a historic old hotel building on the corner of 2nd and C St . in Old Town which I always thought was just called The Eagle House. After being closed for a period of time for renovations and repairs it reopened as... You guessed it, "The Inn at 2nd & C"  No motherfuckers the main entrance to Gallagher's is on 2nd and C. To get inside the lobby of the Inn you have to go to the 1st st. parking lot entrance. And what the hell happened to the Eagle House? Apparently the whole building, including Gallagher's, the Inn and now a new swanky wine bar called Phatsy Cline's is actually the Eagle House.  Unless you are talking about the Irish restaurant, everyone calls it the Eagle House still, telling someone Inn at 2nd & C just confuses people. 

"what Inn at where?" you know the hotel where Gallagher's is. "You mean the Eagle House?"  yes, some idiots spent all that time renovating it and gave zero thought into the name. "why didn't they just at least call it the Eagle House Inn or something?" I know right? 

Another restaurant space I drive by all the time on the corner of 7th and E st that had been "coming soon" for like 3 years finally opened and to my surprise they didn't call it "7th & E" or "South of Sixth" or the "7th St. Bistro" or anything like that, they called it Dolce Bistro. Not the most original name but it is what it is and it sort of fit what they were trying to do. The business that was renovating it was owned by Mity Nice Bakery, who decided to call it FAT CAT which seemed to fit the space of a renovated old service station from the 40's... but alas it was sold to someone else before opening and we got Dolce Bistro.   I think part of me wanted it to succeed because they didn't call it "Eats on E". We went for dinner opening weekend and it was totally expensive and not that good.  I had planned to try breakfast or lunch there eventually but they closed down after about a month.   Oh well.  Maybe people just couldn't remember where it was located‽

Another new place took over the spot on 5th and F in Eureka after another confusing place The Black Lightning Motorcycle Cafe finally closed after a few years. I could never tell if this was a repair shop, dealership or just a really over accessorized coffee shop with a very specific theme. Anyway, I hated the idea of a coffee shop with motorcycles parked inside of it so I was looking forward to seeing what the new place would be turned into. It's now a deli/cafe with a kitchen supply store inside of it. Ok, that's fine I'm excited about a new quality sandwich shop and deli, but meh on a kitchen store since I'm pretty sure I'll never need a $40 ladle. You could imagine my joy when they revealed they were calling it "Delish on 5th" Really? Motherfuck. – Not surprising I hear it's the same owner of Sixth & E. It was as if North of Fourth gave them the OK to use a stupid name again. I've heard that the Humboldt Soup Company has the same owners. Now, I'm totally fine with that name but I'm just not into soup as a meal. I got the pot pie once and it was bland and had no bottom crust. If it doesn't have bottom crust you really can't call it pie for all I'm concerned. They also inherited the Drive-Thru since it was originally a KFC but the last thing you want to eat while driving is fucking hot soup. I digress. In regards to the name I feel like they just couldn't figure out how to rhyme soup with Myrtle ave. Sometimes when places name themselves like "Humboldt Soup Company" I feel like they somehow should have like official permission to be THE official soup company of the county. They are not that.

I just saw an article in my local news about a new brew pub opening in the next town over.  This news actually set me off and inspired this post.   After reading the article I had this conversation in my head.   "What is it?" "A pub with hella beer on tap and wood fired pizza" "Oh exactly like The Madrone that just opened in Eureka, where is it?" "In the old Arcata Creamery Building "Oh nice, they need stuff like that over there, what's it called?" "Oh, you're not going to like this" "come on how bad can it be?" "They're calling it The Pub in the Creamery" "For fuck's sake really? Piece of shits" I would have actually been fine with it being called "The Creamery" or even just "Cream" it's not outright saying it's a pub in the creamery, and at the same time sticking to the history of the building. I can respect that. But The Pub in the Creamery? lame.
Look, I get that I should be cheering on any new businesses in my community.. and I do try to support them but as a person who's in the marketing business.... it's fucking annoying. It goes right along with not factoring in a graphic design budget and end up asking designer people you know for free work or... god forbid they get Adobe Creative Suite and do it themselves when they have no fucking business doing it. I'm on the verge of seriously considering the idea that businesses should need a permit from the city that requires a professional do your design work. For everyone's sake. We all have to look at that bullshit.

With that being said.
#SupportLocalBusinesses #EurekaRising

Noggin it at the Movies Again

I saw two movies yesterday. One of them is new, one of them is old. They have nothing to do with each other. Here we go.

Some friends wanted to see Roma.  It was by some director they knew of and it was all in spanish with subtitles and in black and white.  It's a Netflix movie.  I'd never seen a Netflix movie in the theater so when I saw the big Netflix logo on the screen and didn't hear the loud "CHUNNG KUNNNG"  sound I sort of involuntarily made the sound out loud and people laughed.  A kind of laugh that people make when they know they shouldn't laugh because they were all prepared to see a serious movie.  Sorry. 

When people were telling me about this movie I fully expected to be bored and hate it but it was pretty riveting and never had a dull moment.  It was a glimpse for me, into a world I had no familiarity with,  Mexico  in 1970.  There isn't really a plot or story really.  It's sort of set up like a day in the life,  but it's over the course of about a year in the life of a maid and family that she works for.  The cinematography is something you'll notice right away.  From the opening credits on,   you really get sucked in.  You quickly start to care about the lives of the characters and their little world.  One of the things about the closeness to the people in the movie is that you start to fear the worst at every turn.  Movies tend to do that set up where you get really attached to a character and everything is going good...then they die or something really fucked up happens.  Not to say that this story is all cupcakes and rainbows, because that would be boring and this movie really wasn't.  It had moments of humor and some really, real life shit happening.     If you get a chance I recommend seeing it. 


The other movie Meg found after searching "Christmas movies" on the HBO app. We watched it before we met friends to see Roma.   It was a totally cheese-ball rom-com Christmas movie from 2004 called Surviving Christmas.  It had pre-action hero Ben Affleck still trying to be lovable and funny.  It had Christina Applegate who was still riding out her rebranding as an adult woman and in true mid-2K's fashion we got the still-getting-typecast-as "Tony Soprano-like character" James Gandolfini.  (RIP) Rounding out the cast is Catherine O'Hara who was like a more gritty version of the mom she played in Home Alone. She's almost too good to be in this movie.  Anyway,  like Roma, I was fully expecting to hate this movie but it's absurd plot-line had me intrigued and it kept getting weirder and weirder. 

Basic set up;  Ben Affleck is a successful movie industry hot shot named Drew who's got no where to go for Christmas.  We see him run through his rolodex in a montage and realize that he's just a douchey exec who has no real friends. 

Basic premise; Douche bag rich hot shot exec goes to see his childhood home and ends up paying the dysfunctional family living there $250K to be his family and let him live there for Christmas.  Obviously, there's a christmas miracle and he stops being a douche and saves the family. 

Christina Applegate shows up midway through his visit and this surprises him.  She's their adult daughter.  Of course, they fall in love at the end but at first he's angry because he never had a sister in real life.  He then hires a community theater actor to play his grandpa "Da Da"  to even things out.  Tony Soprano dad is naturally irritated by everything but goes along because of the money.   Every time Drew has some new childhood memory he wants to conjure up or when Tony Soprano gets pissed he just offers them more money and they reluctantly keep playing along.  It's so weird and stupid I was hooked. 

They also have a teenage son who has a wonderfully 2004-era beige computer with a huge CRT monitor and a shitty 2004 internet connection in his bedroom, which he is using to jack off to porn through most of the movie..  Drew insists on sleeping in his room "my childhood bedroom" which forces the kid to eventually jerk it to magazines in the garage.  There's a pay off scene near the end involving the mom and grandpa which I've just now realized I overhyped way to much. 

This movie sucks but I was kind of loving every minute of it.

Two More Dumb Real Life Stories

More story time with uncle Kirk.  

Who's Walking Who Here? 

I have two Basset Hounds and they're heavy, low to the ground, and like to pull me to whatever scent they've caught on to.  Often you get the wise-cracking old man "Who's walking who here eh?"  It's not funny and never will be.  But this next story is probably the truest incarnation of this stupid cliche dad joke I've ever seen in person.  

I was about to get to my turn going back to work but then I saw a large dog about a block and a half in front of me running pretty fast across the street.  My first thought was that it had gotten loose but then a second later I see an older, heavy set man running full speed after it. I continued straight towards the action to see if I could help.  When I got closer I saw that the dog was on a leash but it was pulling the shit out of the guy who could barely keep up.  He was doing all he could to not let go or fall on his face.  They both rapidly left my field of view.  Once I turned the corner I saw the man and dog walking normally.  I was curious as to why the dog had just been running like a bat out of hell then I saw two little dogs in a fenced yard on the corner they just passed. Poor guy almost ate shit getting pulled by that horse of a dog. 

A Bad Tattoo Can't Be Fixed With Beans & Rice

I had just came out of one of my favorite restaurants La Patria after some lovely Mexican dinner.  It's really good but it's in a kind of rough part of town.  It's on the corner of a busy intersection on the north end of town where the street turns into a freeway.  There's a gas station across the street and a bus stop that attracts some colorful characters. 

I step out side and holding the door for my girlfriend, Meg and I see a youngish skinny woman with a dog on a leash. She's wearing a puffy jacket and a beanie on top of her long brown hair. She walks right off the sidewalk towards the entrance where I'm standing with the door open and in a sort of drug induced haze sort of pauses as if to wait for me to hold the door for her so she can go inside. Instead she mumbles and then asks me "are you.. . you... Are you open" I'm like "uhhh yea they are open" But I knew full well that she wasn't actually wanting to go into the restaurant because she was probably just a panhandler and she had a dog with her.  Then she raises her hand up to me.  She has her phone in her hand almost putting it in my face.  I was prepared for her to ask if I had spare change or say her phone was dead and needed to use mine.  Meg is taking to the waitress inside still so I close the door and I'm standing here and she keeps engaging with me. She raises her hand up to me more and starts showing me the shitty tattoo on the back of her hand. I notice that it's a skull face. Eyes, nose and the upper teeth but no actual outline and it sort of wraps around the outside to the top of the wrist. I'm sort of trapped between her and the entrance and I'm still not sure what she wants. Then she starts explaining how she got it at a party while she was 'hella drunk' and wants to get it finished or touched up. Ahh now I get it. She thinks that this is a tattoo shop and that I work here. She's asking if I can help her with her shitty, alcohol induced bad decision tattoo. I kinda laughed to myself with this realization and told her "Um, this is a Mexican restaurant" she almost fell into busy traffic when she stumbled backwards, squinting to get a better look at the businesses we were standing in front of. "oooooooooohhh this isn't the tattoo place?"  I informed her that there was a  tattoo shop just a couple blocks down.  This is when Meg came out finally. The chick asks "oh which way was it?" I pointed.  "oh ok thanks"  then her and her dog stumbled off down the street.

Three Dumb Real Life Stories

Thing 1. 
Thanks For Checking In!

Illustration by Kirk Shelton

I'm in the bathroom at work finishing up a number two and someone walks in and takes a spot at one of the urinals.  As I'm pulling up my pants I hear a loud boisterous voice echoing off the tile walls say "...You OK?  I'm just checking in"   Since I maybe was in there longer than maybe someone else with a better constitution my instant reaction was that he was talking to me.  Before he said anything else I buttoned my pants and opened the stall door to see a man pressing his midsection into the urinal with his legs slightly spread for balance.  He had one hand on the wall in front of him and the other holding his OtterBox clad cell phone.  I walk past him to the sink to start washing my hands and hear his voice again.  The next words I hear were "So did you clean it up good?  Did you scrape it all out?"   Now I'm trying not to laugh since I know he's not talking to me now but I really want to answer him truthfully.  "Yep, all clean!  Didn't have to scrape it out but thanks for checking in"  I didn't actually say this tho because he was on the phone and had his dick out.  I still think it's slightly weird talking to strangers while their dick is out.  Especially sarcastic jokes about poop in my butt.   I finished washing, giggling to myself as I walked out and told the first co-worker I saw about it.


Thing 2.
The Sheriff of Humboldt St.

Illustration by Kirk Shelton

I was driving to work yesterday morning and saw something interesting and sort of humorous.  I got to the end of my street and saw a skinny older fellow standing on the corner.  He had an old backpack and a floppy red ball cap. Dressed in newish looking jeans held up by a very worn leather belt tightened all the way up to what was probably an added belt hole with about 10" of excess belt hanging in front and a plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up because it was too big for him.   His ears and pocked nose were also too big for his head.  As I pulled up to him at the corner he was focused on something coming down the street and he pursed his lips which made his jaw close to far because of a lack of teeth.  He aimed his pointed finger out at the cross street in front of us.  I look over and see that he's pointing at a young transient on a stolen BMX bike carrying a Hefty bag of aluminum cans over his shoulder.   The old man now has one eye closed looking down the barrel of his finger, he follows the guy on the bike with it as he rides passed.  Then jerks his hand back and up with an imaginary BANG!  In that instant I shared the same disdain towards the creep on the bike and congratulated him with a look.  We locked eyes for a second and with confidence and a sense of accomplishment he put his still pointed finger up to his mouth and blew.  Just like in the movies when someone blows the gun-smoke from the barrel.  In the same motion took a step back to reveal his imaginary gun belt, holstered his finger pistol,  turned his head in front of him and continued on his way proudly down the street.   I somehow feel like the streets are a bit safer now.

Thing 3.
He Wanted it Grilled

I'm waiting for my burrito at the taco stand at 14th & Broadway and this guy starts talking to me.  He had a thick accent and seemed to be from somewhere around North Africa or the Middle East.  I couldn't help but notice his huge headset with a module on the earpiece with buttons and big microphone that wraps around like a pop-singer from the late-90's.  He says he's a trucker with a 75ft trailer.  I politely acknowledge this seemingly unnecessarily forthcoming information.  He then motions like he's sawing something with his hand pointed toward and parallel with the road we were on, which happened to be Broadway which is also Highway 101.  In broken english asks if this is 101.  I tell him that it is but with a hint of concern dancing gently on my brow since he had just told me that he's what I could only assume a professional truck driver and hauler of goods.  He says he's wondering if he'll be able to continue South on 101 to San Francisco with the length of truck he has.  He mentions to me that he came on 299 and that it was very bad.  Highway 299 is a very windy and narrow route that runs from the middle of California running from the East to the West coast which is where we are.   I'm now thinking to myself,  and I'm no expert but anyone who knows a little bit about this area would agree that if he came on 299 he should have no problem taking 101 the rest of the way.  It's basically the only major trucking route that runs the nearly 300 miles direct from San 

Illustration by Kirk Shelton

Francisco to here.    But just to be safe I said that he should check with CHP or some other kind of highway authority.  Again in my head thinking I dunno, maybe he should ask another so-called trucker that knows what the fuck they're doing.   Because like, isn't knowing where the major highways are and all about major trucking routes, kind of part of your fucking job? 

Then his eyes got big as if he'd remembered something urgent and turned back towards the order window "excuse me! Hello!"  He got their attention. While crouched down so his head is at the height of the order window he starts making a hand gesture like his hands were an alligator mouth. "Can you make my burrito hot, you know, grilled..."  opening and closing like a panini machine. "You know grilled, hot."  I could neither hear nor see the woman inside the order window behind the mesh screen but I knew exactly the face she was making.  It was a combination of  "I don't speak english & I don't know what you mean" and "what the fuck? grilled? this is a damn taco trailer on the street we don't grill our burritos"  It was pretty much the face I was making while watching him try to order a grilled burrito at a taco trailer.  Then he turned back around kind of shrugged his shoulders and put up his hands with a frustrated look on his face that was a combination of "They must not speak english" and  "Idiots! I went to a taco place that has grilled burritos just yesterday"  

Usually I tend to trust a professional truck driver over most people out on the roads to know what they're doing out there but motherfucker didn't know he was actually ON highway 101.  Man learn to read a map.... Also this isn't a Taco Bell.   Be safe out there.

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That's it for the things.  Thanks for reading.  Talk to you again soon.