Apr 16, 2016

Crazy Stories Your Brain Creates

It's weird when you see something that looks odd but most likely has a rational explanation and your brain, because it doesn't have the full story creates a crazy one of its own.

I was walking passed a car at the gas station and saw an older woman sitting alone in the passenger seat of a newish BMW.  She had a dazed look on her face staring blankly into the sky at nothing.  Almost like someone you'd see in a hospital who's alive but lost all cognitive function. The car had Oregon license plates and my mind immediately concocted a script about someone who broke their grandmother out of an institution and was traveling south through California to escape to Mexico to get experimental treatment.

Mar 12, 2016

Vaping Visitor from Another Dimension?

This morning I am pretty sure that I witnessed someone dissappear into a portal. 

I was just pulling off of my street and I saw a large puff of smoke.  What appeared to be the smoke, rather vapor from a vaporizer, or electronic cigarette being smoked by a man in his late 20s. He was wearing baggy pants and a large jacket.  This is a pretty typical sight in the city that I live in so other than the large white plume catching my eye I would have never noticed.  He was walking on the sidewalk towards me on the opposite side of the street.  Just as I saw him he sort of ducked and pivoted to his right into an alcove behind the Subway restaurant.  As if to spit something or light a cigarette to get out of the wind.  I thought this was curious.  I wanted to see what he was doing in the small plants in front of what is now a dog grooming shop that I go to.  I was concerned with vandalism or something.  So as I pass I look back and he was gone.  The grooming shop wasn't open yet so he didn't go in there.  Not that he could at the angle I was viewing him I would have seen anyone use the entrance to the shop.  Subway has no doors on that side of the building.  So he definitely didn't go there.  The foliage was just a small low lying bush that no one could hide behind.  The guy just disappeared.  Or went through some kind of inter-dimensional portal of some kind.  Or he was an alien or time traveler. I don't know what it was, all I know is that he was there puffing out a large cloud of vapor and gone the next. 

It was a very odd thing to see. 

Feb 25, 2016

Facbook: We were promised a "thumbs down" button.

If you dont use Facebook, congratulations. Please skip to the next post. This isn't for you. 


All the rumors were pointing towards Facebook adding a thumbs down button to show a different reaction in posts.  And what we got was a sweet pile off feel good icons that all but two mean you like the post.  I was never concerned with whether or not someone knew the level of like in my thumbs up.  Spending sleepless nights wondering if I just liked their post or if I hearted it or lol'd it. I like the mad and sad icons but those could be summed up in the thumbs down we were supposed to get. I like the ambiguity of a simple like or dislike. Sometimes a middle finger would be good to have.


Feb 22, 2016

Fake Numbers for Women's Sizes...Why?

We can't have true equality until they stop with the women's sizes for shit. I wear a 10.5 shoe and 38 waist pants... Because, inches. You know an actual term of measurement. Women's sizes are arbitrary, feel-good numbers invented by designers. "I'm a size 8!" 8 what?  What scale is that even on? Oh you're a size zero?  Really, you're fucking invisible? That makes no sense on any planet.
What if the oil industry decided that vehicles like trucks and hummers and shit get to use Man Gallons instead of regular gallons. This Hummer Tank SUV gets 5000 miles to the gallon! Man Gallons that is!  Yippie Ki Yay!  
What if the food industry decided that a woman's size for shit like designer yogurt and lean cuisines was a made up amount too? "I only had zero ounces of diet coke today" after drinking a six pack. That shit sounds stupid because it is.

Knock it off. Use real measurements stop lying to people to make them feel better. 

Feb 18, 2016

Hardware Storing Like a Boss

A customer approaches me in the paint department asking about spray adhesive. I inquire to learn more about his project so I can get him the best product. All he tells me is that he needs something that won't take the paint off the walls when he takes the thing he's gluing back off as its a temporary thing and he's renting the place.  After asking more questions he tells me it's foam, sound proofing foam.  Like egg crate foam material.  I tell him my band experience with soundproofing and temporary spaces. In this case just like my situation was, he tells me it's a bedroom. I tell him what we did and we bounced ideas back and forth. How he's describing the material it sounds like professional audio quality sound foam.  I like to talk shop with other musicians and music people and at this point I'm convinced he's building a recording studio rather than a band space so I ask "so are you building a recording studio?" He hesitates with a smirk and says "my girlfriend is really loud"  another pause. During this brief period of time I was thinking that they fight or something like that then he continues  with "she's loud when we fuck and the neighbors are complaining"

Not exactly what I was expecting and it caught me off guard.  I was ready to be in full music nerd mode then he lays that on me.  I laughed and joked back to him that the gags are on aisle 5. He chuckled then thanked me for my advice and we parted ways with big smiles on our faces. 

Like a boss.

Jan 18, 2016

Movie Review: Willow Creek

Alex Pardee's poster art.
Time for another review for a movie that's been out for a while. This time it's the Bigfoot horror movie, WILLOW CREEK.  I had known about this movie for a while since it was made in areas around where I live in Humboldt and Del Norte counties. There was a big opening at a theater here in Arcata where some celebrities including the writer/director Bobcat Goldthwait were in attendance. Even some well known artists I'm fans of. I missed it in the theaters and on DVD so when I saw it on Showtime I set my DVR to record it.  

Willow Creek is an actual real town nestled in the valley of the Trinity mountains about an hour's drive East from where I'm typing this. The town and most of this area is famously associated with Big Foot as the name "Big Foot" was coined here in the 1950's.  

This movie is shot in the found-footage documentary style. If you've read my reviews before you know I completely hate it.  It follows two good looking, spoiled brat wannabe actors from Los Angeles who think it would be cool to come to the Trinity National Forest, find the location where the famed Patterson Bigfoot film was shot back in the 60's and document it on video. They bring with them a complete lack of respect for the locals and the wilderness. 





half the fucking movie is this.
Three quarters of the movie is a boring home movie with the couple driving and some interviews of locals. Mostly driving. Then hiking. Night falls and we get a long scary-sounds-around-the-tent scene stolen right from Blair Witch followed by a cliche lost-in-the-woods scene which keeps you yelling at the screen "no compass? No gps? No bread crumbs? C'mon guys! " Somehow they wander through the forest for 12 hours till the next night where they are surrounded by the same scary sounds again until it culminates in a very unsatisfying off-camera attack and camera drag through the grass. A naked fat lady and...... Title screen. The end. Boosh!!!!!!!

As I was examining the credits get reminded that one of the bay area artists I follow, Alex Pardee was involved which while it was being made I remember getting kind of excited about visuals from his wild imagination. Sorely disappointed on that idea. He maybe did the poster art along with seeing places I've been to in a movie, are probably the most interesting things about this movie. And his version of the poster isn't even the official artwork for the movie. 

Overall this movie sucked.  This is a badly done, mostly boring, bigfoot themed Blair Witch Project rip off.  I can't believe so many people were excited about this pile of sasquatch dung. 

Jan 13, 2016

January 9th, 2016 - 10:33AM - 10:33PM

10:33 AM: Silver minivan blasting Led Zeppelin.

12:37 PM: It's raining outside. Don't want to go out for lunch. 

12:39 PM: Buy sandwich from Ramones. Head to the lunch room. 

12:41 PM: The lunch room is permanently stained with the scent of microwave lasagna.

12:56 PM: I almost ate a huge bite of the paper my sandwich was wrapped in.

12:57 PM: Bob asks if it's ok to play his music in the lunch room. He put on 311. Carson got up and left.

1:05 PM:  Someone put a bottle in the can recycling. 


1:30 PM: Sarah is cleaning the pens at register 1.

1:32 PM: Sarah is cleaning literally everything at register 1. 

1:37 PM: Register 1 is pristine. 

1:39 PM: woman in her 70s wearing an OBEY flatbill hat.

1:41 PM: As I was making a pretend sneeze as if to put germs all over the newly disinfected register 1, I sneezed for real. 

1:48 PM: Woman with very loud sweater. 

1:50 PM: Man with American Flag shirt getting free coffee. 

2:35 PM: When I said that she needed to sign, customer reached for her ink pen. I stopped her and instructed her to use the electronic stylus.

3:08 PM: Sarah is now cleaning the pocket reference books. Individually, by hand.

3:29 PM: Woman in teal members only jacket looks mad at something.

3:33 PM: She's smiling now

3:35 PM: Vacancy. They's has it.













3:38 PM: someone spilled coffee, maybe Pepsi, at the gas station mini mart. Wet floor sign is in my way.

5:22 PM: Old man with back problems hunched over fully while he walks swiftly with a cane.

5:36 PM: Old man with back problems now at register. Without cane. He smells like farts. 

5:39 PM: Helped farting old man find his cane.

6:15 PM: Finally going home. I feel like I need to poop soon. Not urgently, just soon.

6:26 PM: Finally got to take a shit. Forgot to use the Poopouri.

6:37 PM: Friend is house/pet sitting for people with a Tortoise. 

6:48 PM: Gonna go see a Giant Tortoise.

7:32 PM: Tortoise! 


8:15 PM: In a crazy 100 year old house with a tortoise.

8:18 PM: Taking tour of the house. Pretty sure it's haunted. 
"kids room" they don't have kids.













8:32 PM: Eating Papa Murphy's pizza. Also ate 3 Habanero stuffed olives. Gave me hiccups.

8:33 PM: Only thing to drink besides water and alcoholic beverage is 2 cans of Root Beer left on the counter by the homeowner.

8:39 PM: This house feels like grandparents live here. But it's a young couple with weird taste. OMG, it's a hipster house! 

8:39.44 PM: They have a VCR and VHS movies.

8:46 PM: Watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit on VHS.


9:32 PM: Playing Cards Against Humanity. Feeling drowsy. 

9:50 PM: Taking pictures with Roo.
note the drowz




















10:05 PM: Really drowsy. I feel like I got drugged. Wonder if the root beer was expired.

10:33 PM: Go home. sleep.

Jan 5, 2016

Wine Glasses and Why I Hate Them

I broke another wine glass doing the dishes this morning. 

I don't drink wine or any other alcohol. But in my experience as an observer, wine above all is the most self-loving full of shit alcoholic beverage there is. But this isn't that blog post. This is about the glasses from my perspective: A non drinker who does the dishes. Awkward, top-heavy, thin, fragile easy to break wine glasses. Which, to my wine drinking girlfriend's dismay, I manage to break on a regular basis. Because they're awkward and have to be washed by hand.  



actual plague infested rat wine deaths. 
I tried to look it up because in my head I was positive that the history of stemmed glasses came from preventing plague rats from getting into the wine but I couldn't find anything. What I did find is that it has to do with the temperature of the wine. Because if your hot ass person hand touches the bowl of the glass it will completely ruin the wine. 
When was the last time you knew you were being served wine at the incorrect temperature? Do you know what the correct temperature of any given red wine is? How many people do you see at a wine tasting tour holding a wine glass by the bowl anyway? I see it all the time and not one person at the winery corrects them. I've never seen a thermometer at a wine tasting room and most of the time the wine is left on the counter between pours. So fuck that theory right in the bung hole. Benefit of the doubt, let's say it does affect the wine so why not just serve it in a glass with a handle on it? surely your hand on the handle isn't affecting the temperature enough to change the ever-so-delicate wine. If temperature is such an important factor, why do 90% of beer glasses not have stems? I know, its because beer isn't supposed to be cold America. So why do we latch on so hard to wine glasses but chill our brews?  

As with every type of alcoholic drink there's a specific type of glass with some science behind it but in the end you're getting drunk, the host of the party is now pouring the boxed wine in your fancy glass and you won't even know the difference. Actually studies have shown that wine experts can't even tell the difference sober. So fuck you wine. 
We now own a set of stemless wine glasses which I'm excited about but based on all the reasons I've just mentioned they should not even exist. But they do, and they're popular because most people don't know they're fucking up when they drink wine and because with most of the wine regular people drink, temperature isn't that big of a deal... so take that pointless stems.


Dec 29, 2015

Hover Board My Ass

First of all they don't hover and they are not a board so knock that shit off right now.  Second- they're starting to ban these and stop selling them because uncoordinated idiots with no balance or any business using a piece of equipment like this are getting their asses handed to them. 

Hey ban them because the trend has created a demand that has resulted in cheaply made batteries and electronics that explode and catch on fire.  That's why they need to be regulated, not because people who would never even consider getting on a skateboard are falling off of these.  It's not the toy's fault, it's the operator. 

For fuck's sake.

Oct 15, 2015

Haliwax for Halloween

I was looking for a new font to use as a system font on my phone and started with some of the fonts I made myself.. As it turns out my font Haliwax gives my phone the perfect creepy Halloween vibe.

Download Haliwax at

Im not sure this will work for all phones or iphones. I have a Samsung Galaxy Note 4.
I use an app called ifont to change fonts.