Feb 6, 2018

The Cloverfield Paradox, Paradox.

There will be SPOILERS.. but I dont know if you can spoil this turd. 

I think the only reason I was excited about the original Cloverfield movie is because I was still in full-on LOST obsession mode at that time.  Obsessing over the Slusho website and looking for easter eggs and JJ Abrams clues to the LOST universe.  Being honest after the Lost hangover Cloverfield was a shitty found-footage movie with no actual story. It's just people running around scared and shit blowing up with an allusion to some kind of monster that's from somewhere.  Nothing is explained. Go figure.  

Then years and years later this movie 10 Cloverfield Lane comes out.  Mild residual Lost tingles drew me to this one.  It was actually a pretty good psychological thriller. John Goodman does a great job.  But it didnt have to be part of Cloverfield to be good.  If anything it brings it down to the level of the first movie.  It doesnt help explaining the questions from the first movie in any way either... or if it does it didnt matter and no one cared. 



Now with the help of the Superbowl this new movie Cloverfield Paradox comes out of nowhere straight to Netflix.  Of course I watched it hoping for some kind of conclusion to the mysteries from the previous movies and at the very least a decent space movie.  I kinda got neither.  This movie is like Event Horizon with no scary parts and no clear narrative on why the crazy shit is happening.   For example in Event Horizon you know that there is a sentient evil that's taking the crew's fears and manifesting them to torture them.  You understand that the ship opened a gateway to hell and that's the reason for these experiences that happen.  In Paradox it's clear that they merged with another universe and the stupid impossible science doesnt even matter.   Jensen being there is about the only thing that makes sense.  The worms inside dude (the worms period really), the whole arm thing, the water suddenly filling the airlock, the magnetic wall... the friggin monster that is the namesake of this entire supposed series' existence has no logical reason for being on Earth.  If they had said firing the energy cannon could cause random fluctuations into different universes then maybe.  But there were incidents that clearly seemed like they happened to specifically prevent the crew from their plan to start the cannon again to course-correct so to speak.  Was the ship alive and aware of their plans and was actively trying to stop them?  Because that is how it felt. And didnt make any fucking sense.  That Chris O'Dowd guy is in it too. Who's a comedy actor and his parts are comedy but this isn't a comedy which adds to the shittiness and overall lack of believability.


What the fuck was the point of the weird plot line with the husband and the little girl?  This felt like a side story crammed into the main story just as a way to show an underground bunker like in part 2 of this trilogy.  If it felt like they tacked the Cloverfield name on a movie that was already written, it's because it was.  I read an article that says exactly that.  And with Paradox it was so haphazard and shitty that they pulled a Superbowl Surprise so there would be no bad reviews before it was released. 
I really wanted this to be good.  It had the potential to be. It's an interesting idea but they fucked it up.

Dont watch this. 



Jan 26, 2018

I Hereby Welcome Our Robot Overlords


There's been a lot of talk recently about robots and machines taking away jobs from humans.  And as Artificial Intelligence gets better and better, it's threatening even more occupations people depend on.   I feel like it's headed in one or two directions. And where else do you look if you want to get a sense of what's coming?  Science fiction of course.  


Much of science fiction is set in the future and a good portion of future-set sci-fi is essentially a future where  humans are advanced and exploring space. A new chapter void of currency. It's a time where computers and robots do all of the menial labor.  With the concept that "the machines do the work so you have more time to enjoy life" seems like utopia. But this only makes sense if the people who used to do the work are taken care of. This is a very socialist idea that directly conflicts with capitalist business models of today.  Yet, this seems to end up being the answer for many very intelligent sci-fi writers for the past century.




 The latter imagined fate for humanity is usually the dystopian future where ego and/or greed has ruined everything.  

There is a third consequence that pops up in future-based sci-fi that could end up happening even if we go the route of letting droids flip burgers that needs to be discussed here. When the burger flipping robots realize they're better off making other robots to flip the burgers. This is of course The Matrix scenario for our fate. Where we just become flesh batteries for the new race of self-aware A.I. machines.  The other future where everyone is happy and taken care of sounds nice to me.... as long as the robots don’t wise-up which is why we need to be very careful about A.I.  

Ultimately getting to this point will definitely be a struggle but I feel like if we don't start thinking this way, we're going to end up in the Thunder Dome sooner than we'd like.  I'd rather be in the Holodeck having adventures. The real option to avoid all of this is to stop being greedy ego-maniac assholes. This will really solve a lot of our problems and ensure a better future.   

Dec 4, 2017

Cooking with Kirk. Holiday Eggnog Waffles Edition.

Oprah. Loves. Bread...  and I love waffles!  ...and eggnog!

Ok, first of all, let me start with whole my deal with waffles.  At some point in history it was decided that all waffles at restaurants and all retail-sold waffle makers would be of the thick, bready, Belgian waffle variety. A sub-par choice compared to the thinner more traditional flat, round and crispy waffle. It's like the thinner superior waffles ended up being the BetaMax of waffles and Belgian, the inferior VHS.  And whenever you see waffles on the menu, with a very few exceptions its really waffle–singular.  One fucking thick, stupid waffle for $7.00.  And if it's part of a breakfast combo, as it is with pancakes or french toast, they charge $12.00 and there's no potatoes or toast.  Pancake/French-toast/Waffle is NOT a substitution for toast.  Toast is how you eat your over-easy eggs.  So when I do order an extra side of toast don't bring my food,  say "your toast will be right up" and then NEVER COME BACK.  I cant eat my eggs without the toast lady.  I can't be alone on this?  


Knowing my passion for waffles my lovely Girlfriend got me a traditional thin waffle iron.  I've been using it and experimenting with recipes ever since.  I've got a pretty decent recipe down but every once in a while I mess around and try new things.  Since it's the holidays and we have a fresh 1/2 gallon carton of eggnog  in the fridge I decided to use it to make waffles.  Eggnog, like waffles is one of my favorite things in the whole world.  

 I hate that you can only get it during this time of the year.   One time on summer break from high school some friends and I were all talking about how we all loved eggnog and then were all like "dude why cant you get eggnog at any other time other than Christmas time?"  So we found a recipe in an old cookbook and made it. I thought It was kinda eggy but my drinkin' friends put half a bottle of Moe's stepdad's whiskey in it and decided it was the best eggnog they'd ever had.   I've heard some places have Easter Eggnog in the Springtime.  I have not yet seen this with mine own eyes.

Homer has the right idea here. Stockpile the stuff! 

Back to the waffles.  I basically just subbed out the milk for eggnog and added some nutmeg and a little cinnamon for that holiday spice.   I topped them with real maple syrup and a little slice of cranberry sauce.  Hella good!  

Here's my secret recipe:

DISCLAIMER: 
I make this without any measuring cups or spoons every time so I'm not really sure of the exact amounts of shit.

Start with more than a cup of flour. Not quite 2 cups. 

About a tablespoon and half of sugar. Like a palm full. 

About 1/2 teaspoon of baking powder. (not soda) 

A couple shakes of nutmeg and cinnamon. (this is to boost the eggnog flavor. I usually don't add this)

Kinda whisk that together.  

Just one egg.  (I've seen recipes that beat the whites separately until thick then fold them in but fuck that shit. Seems like too much work for a damn waffle. We're not changing a tire on the star track millennium enterprise here) 

Like...  a tablespoon veg oil.  I just eyeball it and pour it in. 
I've started experimenting with adding more oil and about some corn starch but I didn't for this.

Eggnog.  I usually use milk, sometimes if I'm out of milk, I've used water or sour cream or cool whip or vanilla ice cream...Ive even mixed up powdered coffee creamer into some hot water and used that but this time of course, I used straight up eggnog. 
– I pour and mix, and pour and mix until its about the thickness of waffle batter. 


I usually add about half a cap of vanilla extract but I didn't this time because of the nog. 

–Mix until mixed.

Makes about 4 waffles.  FYI: As I mentioned before I have a proper, thin waffle maker. Not a stupid thick belgian waffle maker. Amount of waffles may vary. 

TIP: I've seen people suggest having the oven on low, and put them in the oven as you're making them so they aren't soggy when
you're done with the batch.  I don't do this because if I dont eat them one at a time while I'm cooking them, I'll just throw them in a freezer bag for later.   Just pop them in the toaster like Eggos.  But home-made fucking rad Eggos. 



 Ok nerds, that's it.  Nog and Waffle and waffle and nog until your colon falls out!  Marry Chrustmus.



Nov 29, 2017

A PSA About How To Drive Properly

Back in 2010 I read an article about lawmakers in Colorado passing a law called the "Left Lane Law" to get people to stop driving in the passing lane. Before it went into effect the police were pulling people over to tell them about the law, and most of the people they talked to said they were driving in the passing lane in order to slow down traffic. The cops were like, "uh, not your job asshole.”  This is still a big problem in California and I’m sure bad in other places as well. 

Highway 80 through Berkeley.  SUCKS!

I can say confidently that I'm an experienced commute driver. Having traversed one of the top 5 worst commutes in the country for a large portion of my adult life. I have seen first-hand on a near daily basis how this  type of driving creates more traffic and accidents. It is stupid and unsafe.  When people say, as the CO. police said, that they do it on purpose to control the speed of traffic… this one of my biggest pet peeves and I've literally argued with people on the internet over.  These assholes  think they're doing the world a service by intentionally impeding traffic.  "I'm going the speed limit and they should too"  Said with the furious footdownedness of a coupon cutting soccer mom.

In heavy commutes its pretty cut-throat and if you're in the left lane, you should be going as fast as possible. That's just how it is. If you're going 80 someone will be trying to go 85 behind you. Get over if you can, you not always can.. but... if it's 4:00 on a tuesday and you're lollygagging at 65 in the left lane, or worse trying to prove a point people will tailgate you and try to pass you on the right and get angry. This is unsafe, creates congestion and back-ups. it's a chain reaction. 

Here is a really good article breaking down how different states handle the left lane and the impact hanging out there in the way can have.  digitaltrends.com/cars/left-lane-driving-discipline

Another thing that pisses me off is scared drivers. If you get freaked out by traffic or high speeds you need not have a driver's license. When people wont pass a semi truck or bus, or when people drive 100 miles slower in a tunnel. Or people who cant figure out how to merge onto the highway. Or people who hesitate to change lanes. Don’t even get me started on parking lots. 

In most places (like where I live in Humboldt) this will never really factor in, but in a major commute area or in a large city this shit doesn’t fly. Put your grown-up pants on or call an Uber. If you are scared of driving, please don’t for everyone's sake. 

If you're a scared driver, just google "scared drivers" and see a list of great articles and videos geared to help people like you figure your shit out.  

Also this time of year many people who rarely drive in stressful situation, or at all, are out there shopping and traveling and parking. Be aware of idiot inexperienced scared stupid shit-head drivers from Halloween to New Year's Eve. Speaking of New Year's Eve, watch out for drunkies this time of year as well.  Just don't drink and drive. or just be like me and don't drink. 


This has been you Kirknoggins Public Service Announcement.



Nov 9, 2017

The Dot Com Era Has Ended

Sorry folks if you didnt notice already, I let www.kirknoggins.com domain expire.  Not that any of you had it bookmarked or even knew it was a dot com.  It was just one more thing to pay for that I felt like I didnt need.  So if you're bookmarking or using a shortcut, remap it back to kirknoggins.blogspot.com just like the good ol' days. 


Also...fancy new header image.  

PYMHM lite: I Invented Twitter.

Yup, that's what I said. 

Twitter is in the news literally on a daily basis now and it got me thinking about something I did way back in 2006. It was a year after finally ditching Myspace blogs and creating the 'Noggins on blogger.com.  After picking up steam jotting down my nonsense stories and reviews about things I felt like I needed a way to post shorter stupid quick thoughts I had.  A mini-blog of sorts so that I didn't have to create a whole new blog post just for a short number of words.  I got some help form Jimbo and built the code within the confines of Blogger and put it in the side bar.  I called it the Mininoggins.  It didnt last very long because it was essentially a second blogger account I'd have to access to post and check on.  I thought of it though... sharing thoughts in a limited amount of text.  In the years after I ditched it, Twitter has become a media juggernaut.  It's even the chosen platform of our Cheeto-in-Chief to address the nation. 

But just know, it was my idea.  I haven't seen one crumb of acknowledgment or royalty from it.

Here's a screenshot of the original noggin from 2010.  Pardon the crude language and mention of Google Buzz.   Google Buzz was an early Google attempt at social media.  It ended up being what we know now as Google Plus.

See the mininoggins.  click here.

Oct 25, 2017

A Poignant PYMHM RE: The Shallow Entertainment Industry

All of the press about Harvey Weinstein lately and the #MeToo social media campaign got me thinking of a post I did 10 years ago that highlights some of this same attitude that was, had been for a long time, and still is prevalent in not only the entertainment business but all aspects of society.  I wrote about a friend who had just gotten a blast of ugly reality from a supposed music industry big-wig.  So here's this Post You Might Have Missed from the early days of the Kirknoggins way back in  2007. 

 I mention my now defunct but still existing Music Industry rant blog called BOYCOTT THE MUSIC INDUSTRY.  I was still pretty bitter about my then band Fingertight's short-lived success and all the crap I saw first hand when being on the inside of the machine. There's still some good stuff there if you feel like checking it out. 

"you must be EXTREMELY attractive" 

Originally published: Jul 11, 2007


One of the ugliest men in show business sang the lyrics "What would you do if i sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me?" Back then? Maybe.  People had a much higher standard of music. Now days it wouldn't matter because to have a popular song, he'd already be good enough looking and have such rad dance moves that his lyrics and voice wouldn't matter. On top of that he'd be lip syncing or singing under prerecorded backing vocal tracks.

My point is, today, vocal, instrumental and lyrical talent doesn't matter. Is all about the image. The pre-packaged product.

The reason I bring this up is because a friend of mine was looking to start an all-female rock band and posted an ad online. In my Boycott The Music Industry blog I posted one of the responses from a guy from an "Established L.A. based entertainment company" . It encapsulates one of the things that are very wrong with music industry today.

After he name drops a handfull of major networks, film companies and magazines, (of course no record companies. After all this was an ad for a musical group right?) He then proceeds to ooze slime with every keystroke. Here are some excerpts;
  • "The only pre-requisite is that you must be EXTREMELY attractive, a beautiful face and Magnificent body, as this is the current wave in all areas of the entertainment industry." He carefully follows this statement with assurance to her that this isn't for any X-rated or Adult work. Also note that none of the 'pre-requisites' are musical ability.
  • "If you are a female actress, model, vocalist, musician, or dancer, and you feel you meet our pre-requisite and standards, and you are interested, please e-mail Photos (at least one head shot and one body shot, although a few of each would be preferred)" Is there a casting couch involved?
  • the fact is that business is business, and there is a reason why there are no new Aretha Franklins and Mellissa Ethridges bursting on to the scene. Even people that talented would not get record deals today, but there are many young ladies with a fraction of Aretha's voice, signing multi-million dollar deals, because of their face and body. And because you're a fucking douche bag perpetuating this kind of attitude in the music industry.
  • I cannot change society, or what the masses at large want, the reason labels look for beauty, is because it sells, and it sells because that is what people want.
Who else wants to punch this guy in the throat? What is the most fucked up is that he's right. This is the sad state of the music industry. It may not 100% reflect what the masses want tho. But even if that is what the masses want... the masses are stupid by design. They've been conditioned. if you don't give them a choice of real talent they will pick the good looking hack.


Look back to the 70's ... Real song writers with great songs making hits that become classics. Many of them were UGLY by today's standards! But it didn't matter. it was good music by talented people.

The industry is insulting us by giving us vacuous celebrity with nothing to offer but eye candy thinking thats all we will accept. There's room for heart throbs but don't confuse pretty faces with talented artists.

Douche bags like this need to be stabbed in the crotch by robot scorpions.





Oct 23, 2017

Red Velvet Cake is a Fucking Lie

I went most of my life without ever trying Red Velvet cake. It just wasn't a thing that existed in my life.  Maybe it's because of I grew up in Northern California and Red Velvet was more of a Southern U.S. thing.   Maybe because I was raised by forward-thinking parents and had intelligent friends.  Who knows? I'd never even heard of it before seeing the famous armadillo cake in Steel Magnolias.  Then some time in my 30's, out in the wilds of the world it was at some party I was at and I tried it. 

But one told me what it was supposed to taste like. 

Anyone who knows me well knows I have set up some seemingly arbitrary food rules for what I will eat. Such as:  If it smells like vinegar, don't eat it. If it's a creamy dairy food that isn't ice cream or whipped cream, stay away. Pickles are not supposed to be sweet.  For savory food I usually avoid red colored foods because they are basically ketchup or ketchup based.  It's a whole different ball-game for dessert foods. Most people will probably agree with me on this one... red dessert foods will taste like cherry, raspberry or strawberry.  That's pretty standard and has never steered me wrong other than with this stupid cake. 

When I ate Red Velvet cake for the first time, obviously I was expecting a rich, sweet, acidic berry flavor, which of course never came. I thought someone fucked up when they made it. Then it was explained to me that it wasn’t supposed to be fruit flavored.  What the fuck is it then?    I asked what flavor it was supposed to be because it just tasted like regular-ass cake to me.  No one could really tell me what flavor it was. Some said they thought it was chocolate but that's just stupid.  I know what chocolate cake tastes like, this was not that.  So it would seem that it’s just red for no fucking reason and has cream cheese frosting. What’s the big fucking deal? 

I did some digging on the internets and found that it dates back to the 1800's and was originally just a softer  more "velvet" texture cake because of the ingredients they used.   It didn't turn red until 1930's when congress was lobbied hard to pass a law that lowered regulations for food coloring.  And some dick-head food dye tycoon in Texas popularized it as a red cake just to sell more food dye. So it's red because of capitalism.   I
f some hipster tells you it's red because in the depression they didn't have many ingredients and had to use beets  to sweeten the cake batter they're full of shit. It was because some fuck-stick wanted to make more money.

It got popular again because of that shitty movie Steel Magnolias (Julia Roberts' character dies.  No Spoiler Alert that movie can eat shit)  for some reason now it's trendy-as-fuck.  They're making cupcakes, pop-tarts and god damn Oreos now.  Just add red dye to the normal shit and we can sell more units... Genius!!!  

Also I'm not alone.  The Joy of Cooking and James Beard think it sucks too.  


You don't like Red Velvet cake. You just like cake and you're supporting a dessert based on corruption and greed.  Be ashamed. 

Oct 16, 2017

The Fisherman

Just about everyone has a ghost story. People like to tell them this time of year.  Either a friend or family member has a good story or you yourself saw something you cant explain.  Mine is less scary, and more of a "Well, I don't know, but I know I saw it" kind if story.  Whatever you believe spiritually, seeing something is undeniable if you saw it with your own eyes.  I call this, The Fisherman. 

My street  © Google Maps
This happened when I was around 3 years old. My parents still live in the same house I lived in back then. Not a scary old victorian or out in the middle of a field or deep in the woods. Just a regular 1950's two-bedroom, one-bath tract house in a neighborhood of similar houses. I'd heard stories that in the 1900's this was all farmland and the main farm house was on the hill west of our street. An old man that lived across the street when I was a kid told stories of when he was a kid. How he had to bring his family sow across the field that was now our street, straight through what is now our yards, to get 'serviced' by the farmers' bull. 

This house has a small laundry room right off the kitchen. Through the doorway from the kitchen you can see the dryer and part of the washer to the right of it. Beyond that, out of view from the kitchen is a back door that leads to a small wooden porch and the driveway. The door has a window and back then probably had a curtain of some kind. It was after sunset and probably dark outside.  I was standing next to the dryer, facing the back door when I saw something. I turned to my parents who were sitting at the table at the other end of the kitchen and said "Mommy, who's this nice man" My parents freaked. Naturally. They got up and ran towards me, fearing there was a stranger in the house. When they got to me, there was no one there. 

artist rendition.
What I saw was an adult sized man. And the best way for me as a 3 year old to describe it was that it was a fisherman. The classic Gorton's Fish Sticks fisherman. Rain slicker, big floppy hat, beard, etc. But what was unusual, other than there being a random fisherman in the laundry room, was that he was made of pure blue glowing translucent light. And why I said "who is this nice man" was because he seemed to just give off good vibes. Pure niceness. So, even as a small child seeing a stranger, I didn't feel scared of threatened in any way. My parents were creeped the fuck out though. Later my mom told me I drew him with crayons. Blue crayon. I wish I had it still.


So, not scary. Weird, definitely unexplainable. Over the years I've tried to make some sense of it.  The fact that my hometown was on a bay and had a thriving fishing industry but our house was so far from the water.  Like I said it was in a grazing field. For all I know, clothes that looks like a robe, hat that looks like a hood, beard, good vibes, it could have been God or something.  I don't believe in that shit so I dunno.  Maybe I ate too many fish sticks that night.

Some strange stuff did happen later in that house that may or may not be related. A guitar playing by itself. My aunt's friend being touched on her shoulder, my mom and aunt being prevented from watching Gorillas in the Myst on VHS. One drunken Saturday night my mom was up by herself and maybe something happened but she started yelling at "the fisherman" and told him to move on. Drunken Exorcist could be a great new reality show idea. Nothing else happened after that. For all I know the alcohol and 80's party drugs my parents' friends were into back then may have had something to do with all of the activity they experienced.  I never witnessed any of it. The paranormal activity I mean... I witnessed way too much of the partying as a youth that I needed to.


If you have a ghost story leave it in the comments. 

Happy Halloween!

Sep 28, 2017

The Garbage Police

I just took a load of yard trash to the city dump and the cops were there. I was worried they were going to bust me for throwing away the wrong recyclable thing but then a big crappy City of Eureka truck full of shit backed up to where they were. The cops were searching it as they dumped it. I wondered if it was from a Squires property that got condemned again. Also there's no such thing as the Garbage Police. Maybe there is but I can't imagine Eureka has the budget for something like that. They should tho. Our planet is a shit-hole and if there was cops with guns at the dumps less people would throw away batteries and microwaves and shit.

Right after I went to McDonald's down the street for lunch and there was a more-than-normal amount homeless types. There was this old guy with long grey hair and a beard in a wheelchair that all of the young ones were talking too. It was like he was the leader. Or the elder of the tribe. I think I heard one of them call him Animal. They all seemed to be concerned about a particular recent event or planning to organize in some way. Whenever I see the young tweaker homeless people interact with the old ones I always wonder if they realize that they're on the path to becoming he old grizzly tweaker bum, or why doesn't the older ones encourage the younger ones to get their shit together so they don't end up like them. Oh well, drugs are a hell of a drug.

I started sort of eve's dropping at this point and heard them talking about their camps being raided and everything taken away in a big crappy truck. That must have been it.

So now they scurry the town like bugs under an upturned stone and look for a new rock to hide under. I hope that our country can change. The problems that cause this are so institutionalized now that the hole is almost too deep to dig out of.