Oct 23, 2017

Red Velvet Cake is a Fucking Lie

I went most of my life without ever trying Red Velvet cake. It just wasn't a thing that existed in my life.  Maybe it's because of I grew up in Northern California and Red Velvet was more of a Southern U.S. thing.   Maybe because I was raised by forward-thinking parents and had intelligent friends.  Who knows? I'd never even heard of it before seeing the famous armadillo cake in Steel Magnolias.  Then some time in my 30's, out in the wilds of the world it was at some party I was at and I tried it. 

But one told me what it was supposed to taste like. 

Anyone who knows me well knows I have set up some seemingly arbitrary food rules for what I will eat. Such as:  If it smells like vinegar, don't eat it. If it's a creamy dairy food that isn't ice cream or whipped cream, stay away. Pickles are not supposed to be sweet.  For savory food I usually avoid red colored foods because they are basically ketchup or ketchup based.  It's a whole different ball-game for dessert foods. Most people will probably agree with me on this one... red dessert foods will taste like cherry, raspberry or strawberry.  That's pretty standard and has never steered me wrong other than with this stupid cake. 

When I ate Red Velvet cake for the first time, obviously I was expecting a rich, sweet, acidic berry flavor, which of course never came. I thought someone fucked up when they made it. Then it was explained to me that it wasn’t supposed to be fruit flavored.  What the fuck is it then?    I asked what flavor it was supposed to be because it just tasted like regular-ass cake to me.  No one could really tell me what flavor it was. Some said they thought it was chocolate but that's just stupid.  I know what chocolate cake tastes like, this was not that.  So it would seem that it’s just red for no fucking reason and has cream cheese frosting. What’s the big fucking deal? 

I did some digging on the internets and found that it dates back to the 1800's and was originally just a softer  more "velvet" texture cake because of the ingredients they used.   It didn't turn red until 1930's when congress was lobbied hard to pass a law that lowered regulations for food coloring.  And some dick-head food dye tycoon in Texas popularized it as a red cake just to sell more food dye. So it's red because of capitalism.   I
f some hipster tells you it's red because in the depression they didn't have many ingredients and had to use beets  to sweeten the cake batter they're full of shit. It was because some fuck-stick wanted to make more money.

It got popular again because of that shitty movie Steel Magnolias (Julia Roberts' character dies.  No Spoiler Alert that movie can eat shit)  for some reason now it's trendy-as-fuck.  They're making cupcakes, pop-tarts and god damn Oreos now.  Just add red dye to the normal shit and we can sell more units... Genius!!!  

Also I'm not alone.  The Joy of Cooking and James Beard think it sucks too.  

You don't like Red Velvet cake. You just like cake and you're supporting a dessert based on corruption and greed.  Be ashamed. 

Oct 16, 2017

The Fisherman

Just about everyone has a ghost story. People like to tell them this time of year.  Either a friend or family member has a good story or you yourself saw something you cant explain.  Mine is less scary, and more of a "Well, I don't know, but I know I saw it" kind if story.  Whatever you believe spiritually, seeing something is undeniable if you saw it with your own eyes.  I call this, The Fisherman. 

My street  © Google Maps
This happened when I was around 3 years old. My parents still live in the same house I lived in back then. Not a scary old victorian or out in the middle of a field or deep in the woods. Just a regular 1950's two-bedroom, one-bath tract house in a neighborhood of similar houses. I'd heard stories that in the 1900's this was all farmland and the main farm house was on the hill west of our street. An old man that lived across the street when I was a kid told stories of when he was a kid. How he had to bring his family sow across the field that was now our street, straight through what is now our yards, to get 'serviced' by the farmers' bull. 

This house has a small laundry room right off the kitchen. Through the doorway from the kitchen you can see the dryer and part of the washer to the right of it. Beyond that, out of view from the kitchen is a back door that leads to a small wooden porch and the driveway. The door has a window and back then probably had a curtain of some kind. It was after sunset and probably dark outside.  I was standing next to the dryer, facing the back door when I saw something. I turned to my parents who were sitting at the table at the other end of the kitchen and said "Mommy, who's this nice man" My parents freaked. Naturally. They got up and ran towards me, fearing there was a stranger in the house. When they got to me, there was no one there. 

artist rendition.
What I saw was an adult sized man. And the best way for me as a 3 year old to describe it was that it was a fisherman. The classic Gorton's Fish Sticks fisherman. Rain slicker, big floppy hat, beard, etc. But what was unusual, other than there being a random fisherman in the laundry room, was that he was made of pure blue glowing translucent light. And why I said "who is this nice man" was because he seemed to just give off good vibes. Pure niceness. So, even as a small child seeing a stranger, I didn't feel scared of threatened in any way. My parents were creeped the fuck out though. Later my mom told me I drew him with crayons. Blue crayon. I wish I had it still.

So, not scary. Weird, definitely unexplainable. Over the years I've tried to make some sense of it.  The fact that my hometown was on a bay and had a thriving fishing industry but our house was so far from the water.  Like I said it was in a grazing field. For all I know, clothes that looks like a robe, hat that looks like a hood, beard, good vibes, it could have been God or something.  I don't believe in that shit so I dunno.  Maybe I ate too many fish sticks that night.

Some strange stuff did happen later in that house that may or may not be related. A guitar playing by itself. My aunt's friend being touched on her shoulder, my mom and aunt being prevented from watching Gorillas in the Myst on VHS. One drunken Saturday night my mom was up by herself and maybe something happened but she started yelling at "the fisherman" and told him to move on. Drunken Exorcist could be a great new reality show idea. Nothing else happened after that. For all I know the alcohol and 80's party drugs my parents' friends were into back then may have had something to do with all of the activity they experienced.  I never witnessed any of it. The paranormal activity I mean... I witnessed way too much of the partying as a youth that I needed to.

If you have a ghost story leave it in the comments. 

Happy Halloween!

Sep 28, 2017

The Garbage Police

I just took a load of yard trash to the city dump and the cops were there. I was worried they were going to bust me for throwing away the wrong recyclable thing but then a big crappy City of Eureka truck full of shit backed up to where they were. The cops were searching it as they dumped it. I wondered if it was from a Squires property that got condemned again. Also there's no such thing as the Garbage Police. Maybe there is but I can't imagine Eureka has the budget for something like that. They should tho. Our planet is a shit-hole and if there was cops with guns at the dumps less people would throw away batteries and microwaves and shit.

Right after I went to McDonald's down the street for lunch and there was a more-than-normal amount homeless types. There was this old guy with long grey hair and a beard in a wheelchair that all of the young ones were talking too. It was like he was the leader. Or the elder of the tribe. I think I heard one of them call him Animal. They all seemed to be concerned about a particular recent event or planning to organize in some way. Whenever I see the young tweaker homeless people interact with the old ones I always wonder if they realize that they're on the path to becoming he old grizzly tweaker bum, or why doesn't the older ones encourage the younger ones to get their shit together so they don't end up like them. Oh well, drugs are a hell of a drug.

I started sort of eve's dropping at this point and heard them talking about their camps being raided and everything taken away in a big crappy truck. That must have been it.

So now they scurry the town like bugs under an upturned stone and look for a new rock to hide under. I hope that our country can change. The problems that cause this are so institutionalized now that the hole is almost too deep to dig out of.

Sep 7, 2017

PYMHM Nancy Grace is a Cunt Edition.

This Post You Might Have missed takes us back to 2013 when I saw a commercial for Nancy Grace's TV show and got all pissed off and wrote this blog post.  I never stopped hating that bitch but recently started watching The Murder of Laci Peterson on A&E and she's all up in that shit.  Footage from back then, her talking about the case now.   It goes into what an overall shit-show it was back then.  People still seem to be really into true life crime but in a slightly different way.

 Recently the popularity of true-crime like Making a Murderer and the Serial podcast series still let the average joe froth at the mouth over theories... but without fucking up the case.  Because , just like this Laci Peterson series, and the recent OJ Simpson documentary, they all take place after the fact.  They let you form an opinion after actually seeing all the evidence, what the jury actually saw, and sometimes facts that were illicitly omitted by police or the prosecution.  Often the viewer ends up being sympathetic to the accused party.  It's funny that the same people that want to hang a defendant when the trial is happening live on TV are the same ones petitioning the parole board for their release after listening to a true-crime series.     People need to really consider how the judicial system actually works before they pass judgement.   And like I mention in my original post, the media needs to be reigned in a little on influencing a jury.  The whole system needs to be more impartial. That's how justice is truly had.

Another thing about these after-the-fact true-crime documentaries is that to me, they aren't as much about whether they did it or not, they're about the process. All the shady things done by the media, and law enforcement and the lawyers and the judge that end up with the verdict given.  It's always interesting to see the case from an outside perspective and to see truly what goes on that you never hear about... or the jury never got to see for whatever reason.

Anyway, here's my unfiltered rant as it was posted in 2013.  Minus the youtube clip of Nancy's commercial plus an illustration I just did on my phone.

Nancy Grace

Armchair Lawyers and TV Truth-Jockeys

It seems like every month there's a new "trial of the century" that we cant avoid.  It's actually creating a market for 24 hour courtroom TV channels.  I saw this promo for Nancy Grace for HLN the other day and it struck a nerve.  

      She says:

"I want to investigate the case, I want to know the truth"   
"It's my duty to ...bring that child home, to solve the homicide, to solve the mystery" 
"I get to make a difference" 

 Shut the fuck up you piece of shit.   It's not your job to investigate cases. It's not your duty to bring children home or solve homicides or mysteries. What you do doesn't  matter to the actual case AT ALL!  There are real people, with real jobs in law enforcement and the legal field who's job that is.  She is making a difference tho, by tainting the jury pool with speculation and facts of a case that may not even be admissible by the judge as evidence. You are actually making their job HARDER you fucking asshole. 

Here's the problem with this bitch, and "courtroom" type news channels; It gets the public so riled up about a case by sensationalizing it to the point where the defendant is not only guilty before proven innocent, but a monster.  Then when the prosecution fails to convict, there's outrage and riots in the streets. 

I think this type of entertainment-news should be illegal.  If our legal system wasn't bad enough! This type of shit is turning every idiot with a remote control in their hand into arm-chair lawyers.  I live with a REAL lawyer and kids, the legal system isn't as flashy as they make it out to be. And sometimes, the bad guys get away with it.  Because sometimes, the police, or prosecution are liars, cheaters, have huge egos or just generally suck at their job.  And when that happens, we all lose. So who's really the bad guy... someone who gets arrested for having weed in their car and a broken tail light, or the police officer that searched the car illegally?  Who cares if government employees violate people's civil rights, as long as a bad guy went to jail right?  This system is in place to protect the innocent, and one day you might be arrested for something you didn't do or illegally searched.  But according to Nancy Grace, because you got arrested, you're the "bad guy" even after the jury says your not guilty.

Sep 1, 2017


I've been making Satan jokes, drawing Satanic symbols and listening to Satanic music since I was a stupid teenager.  Friends of mine back then even got Satanic bibles and wore dark clothing but all of it in my opinion was just kids lashing out and being stupid attention seeking kids.   I never really looked into what Satanism actually was all about, mostly because I just thought it was a bunch of weirdos.  Adult versions of the attention seeking teenagers.  Recently stumbled upon an episode of the Stuff You Should Know podcast that looked at it in an outside, third party non-judgmental perspective.  I learned that if you go way back, Satan wasn't this pure evil anti-god that is commonly known today.  Apparently even in older versions of the bible he isn't really mentioned or that big of a deal. Christianity really likes to rewrite shit to conform with whatever backwards ideology was in power at the time.  So take anything in a bible with a grain of salt.  My biggest takeaway tho was that I'm finding, while there's a bit of dumb teenager aspect to it on the surface,  most of it is very serious,  unexpectedly well thought out and for the most part sort-of appealing to my sensibilities.

Here's what I mean.

The Eleven Satanic Rules of Earth
1. Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.

2. Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.

3. When in another’s lair, show him respect or else do not go there.

4. If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy.

5. Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.

6. Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved.

7. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.

8. Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.

9. Do not harm little children.

10. Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.

11. When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.

Some of this is kind of out-dated or just laughable but most of it is pretty much how I lead my life already.

There's Sins too.  I'm not going to list them all but the first of the Nine sins is "STUPIDITY"  Alright! They go on pretty similarly from there but they lose me when they start talking about Magic. I'm assuming its all metaphor for other stuff, but then again accepted religions of the world believe some crazy-ass-shit too.  But remember, stupidity is a sin. Click here for the list of sins.

Anton LaVey, founder of the Church of Satan has been compared to L.Ron Hubbard and his background is a little sketchy and the imagery is a little ridiculous and in my opinion counterproductive to the message but at it's root, I think Satanism might be the religion I would choose if I had to.  I'm content on being an unaffiliated  Atheist.

For more about the philosophies, history or to become a member; Visit ChurchofSatan.com
And  always... HAIL SATAN!!!

Aug 21, 2017

BEWARE: Art Buyer Scams.

I got an email yesterday from a guy interested in my paintings.  He said he was from Seattle but his english skills were kind-of busted but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because it's rare I sell some fucking art these days.

    I'm Joshua Harley from Seattle... I found your paintings website while surfing online for what to purchase as a gift for the love of my life.I'm impressed and amazed to have seen your various works too, You are doing a great job! I would like to receive further information about your piece of work and what inspires you.. Kindly confirm the availability for immediate sales.


Alright theres a chance he's legit.   I ask him which pieces he's interested in and I get another email today.

  Sorry for not responding back to you on time, The complete work/piece could be any color, but medium size or large.. However, I would greatly appreciate if you could possibly recommend a few completed work within 1000USD- 10,000USD ready for sale...Please do email me back with images and prices of any available works in that range.

Many Thanks

Yeaaaaa dude.  No one uses "USD" when they're wanting to buy something from someone else in the United States.    'oooh you meant Euros, shit my bad"   So red flag number 2.  Then he's saying he's willing to spend up to 10K?  fuck dude, I'm flattered but no.  I've never sold anything over $500.  I'm not THAT good.  or well known. Another red flag.

So I did a little Googleing.  I entered joshua harley and the auto-fill spit out "joshua halrley seattle, joshua harley wyoming and joshua harley meany"  Interesting,  I found a Joshua Harley who is a real estate broker in Texas. And another one that's a MMA fighter.  But a lot of people have the same name so I google'd his email address.  harleymelmel15@gmail.com  and that's when things got interesting.

The first result was from Katie Jeanne Wood's blog with the words art scammers in the description.
She tells her stories of being scammed by a guy named Handy Parker from MA. The email she got back in early 2016 is almost exactly what I got.  His wife likes her art and has a big budget to buy it. yadda yadda.   She got suspicious just like me and she went as far as tracking the IP back to Nigeria of all places.

Fucking Nigeria man.

We both figured it was shady so we ignored any further emails from him but wondered what the scam could be.  Then amongst the many emails she got from people like me thanking her for the info was an artist that actually got scammed.  It's the classic Nigerian prince swicherooo.   "I'll send you a check for more than the amount and you send me the difference"  You send them the check and the one they sent you doesnt clear.   I hate saying this because this person got fucked but you gotta be a dingus these days to fall for that one.

Other results from googleing the email address turned up countless Facebook pages from artists warning of this scammer.  Also a couple seller pages at Poshmark.com that were selling Puma shoes and designer handbags with comments that say word-for-word on both: 
 "Pls , do you still have it available? Kindly email me at (harleymelmel15 (at) gmail.com). Thanks." 

So it seems like it's not just artists its anyone who will accept payment for something I guess. 

So if you get an email from harleymelmel or anyone offering shit too good to be true, uses broken english or any other redflags that seem shady, it's shady.  And NEVER NEVER accept checks or money orders from people you dont know or feel uncomfortable dealing with.

Read Katie's story and see her awesome art on her site here katherinejeannewood.com there's also some info on other scammers and some good resources for reporting scammers. 

Jul 13, 2017

Silence Your Fucking Phone

Have you ever been somewhere and someone's phone starts ringing and is clearly interrupting something? We all have. Have you ever been in this situation when the owner of the phone just lets it ring and keeps on talking to you. Or you're in a theater or other place that requires you to silence your phone and they spend way too much time trying to unlock the phone to swipe the ignore icon? Or worse, they acknowledge the ring, see who it is and then actually tell you that they don't want to talk to the person calling .. But then let it keep ringing?

Chances are the people who do this have obnoxious ring tones.

The movie theater one happened to me recently. Some baby-boomer had to dig through her purse then unlock it and figure out which button doesn't answer it and...... Ugg. It rang 6 times.

Some of you need a refresher course. (or show this to your parents)
For iPhone just press the sleep/wake button. Ta-da silence!
For pretty much everything else press just about any button on the phone (volume, home, power) and the ringer will stop.

It's not that hard. You're being rude.

Jul 1, 2017

OKJAAAAAAAAA: Another Movie Review

I had read and heard about this new Netflix movie Okja.  I really had no idea what it was about only that it had a couple known actors and it was coming from the Snowpiercer director Bong Joon Ho.  I put it in my Remember to Watch This database in the back of my head.  Last night some friends and I were talking about new Netflix stuff and Okja came up.  We ended up streaming it last night and I have a couple things to say about it.  POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD.  not that it's got any big twists... just incase.

Basic premise:  A company supposedly discovers a new species of mammal they call Superpigs. In an ad campaign to promote this as a way to feed the world in the future, they send a baby Superpig to a handful of farmers around the world to compete in raising the best one. The "Best Superpig" is to be chosen in 10 years time. The story takes place after the 10 years has passed. It follows a young Korean girl who's spent most of her life, with her Grandfather raising and befriending Okja, the Superpig in a remote mountain village in Korea.  Representatives from the company come to take Okja back to America but Mija isnt having it. Along the way Mija and Okja cross paths with a group called Animal Liberation Front.  You can probably figure out the rest from there.

As I said before  this movie was well hyped to me. First I'll say that it was pretty good but damn what a downer.  I mean, I get it, the meat industry sucks but fuck man I like steak and bacon.  I was thinking lab-grown meat was the answer but now I don't want them to kill Okja.

Tilda Swinton was creepy as ever as the leader of the family run GMO company while her character was trying to be the non-creepy one in her family.  Her plan to make everyone love the Superpigs was the main reason in my opinion that it would turn people off from eating them.

Jake Gyllenhaal's character was a total weirdo too. Washed up wild animal TV show host guy, turned spokesperson for the Superpig project.    I dont even know what to say about his character but I think he played the roll slightly creepier than maybe they had written it.  It works I guess. I worry that Jake may have gotten into it way more than he needed to.

It had good action sequences while keeping a general weird vibe throughout most of the of the movie.  Mija was cute and a total badass.  The one thing that bummed me out was the pretty down-your-throat PSA about the meat industry.  I felt it cast a shadow over the rest of the movie as too much of a focal plot point for me.

Try to not say "Okjaaaaa!!!!"  over and over after you see it.

Jun 12, 2017

Live From New York, It's Flat Soggy Pizza!!!!! (In a Good Way)

This was originally written as a Blogger post back in 2015 and it ended up on Yelp.  Apparently I never bothered to post it here too.   Anyway, here it is in all it's dated glory.  I wrote some updates at the end. 

Paul's Live From NY is a New York style pizza restaurant.  Apparently there is a Paul and he's from Humboldt. That's all I know about that but I do know pizza. I've eaten a lot of it.

If you don't know what NY style pizza is it's giant, thin crust pizza.  I've always kind of disliked the thin crust pizza.  It's floppy, its greasy and there was always some other kind of more satisfying pizza that was readily available.  While in New York I made these sentiments known to a New York native I was traveling with. He assured me that I "just didn't have the real, good, authentic NY pizza"  Now, I should also point out that I had just recently spent some time in Chicago.  Where all pizza bows before the almighty deep dish. I was still smitten, in post honeymoon mode from the 2 inch thick meal-in-a-slice windy city pie.  Convincing me that a soggy slice of thin crust was going to be tough.  He took us to one of his old neighborhood pizza spots assuring us that this was the real deal.  But it was just more pre-made pies sold by the slice.  This place went a step further in that if you wanted pepperoni with olives, they put olives and a little more cheese on a pre-made slice and reheated it in the pizza oven.

For reference: This is what Deep-Dish Chicago style pizza looks like.

The foldable slice. 
This is when I realized what real NYC pizza was.  Thin, soggy, reheated slices of pizza that you fold in half.  I really wasn't impressed. Please, take me back to Chi-Town.  When we moved to Eureka I saw Paul's Live From New York.  I scoffed because I pretty much decided way-back-when that I'd never eat New York pizza on purpose again. But then-- One night after the F Street Beerfest we ended up there with a group of people we'd just met who would eventually become our good friends.

They seemed excited, and we were stoked to meet new people in town so we went for it.  The pizza was large, flat, greasy, reheated... and delicious. Pretty much every experience I've had at Paul's has been like this. Late night, good friends and just a really good time with a good variety of different pre-made pizzas that will satisfy just about everyone in the group.

Pizza with friends!

And then there's the garlic knots. Little morsels of curled up dough soaked in garlic oil and garlic. My mouth waters thinking about them as I type this. The knots are better later in the evening when they've had a chance to get fully saturated with garlic oily goodness. They have salads and a good selection of beers on tap.  They also have wings.  They come in Buffalo or Australian BBQ.  Aussie BBQ is like a sweeter type sauce.  I've never liked Buffalo wings but this place has completely converted me into a wing guy.  I even critique wings from other places now.

Sometimes the service can be slow.  I don't know why it takes so long sometimes to reheat a slice of pizza but they lag sometimes. Usually when I go it's a big social gathering with friends and we really don't mind.  But it happens.  (Side Note:  They forget Becky's order every time. She won't go back.  When we're hanging out with Becky, Paul's is not an option)  Bonus; they also deliver!  But depending on the time of day and your locale the delivery times can be a while and for some reason the woman who answers the phone seems like you're ruining her whole day by calling and ordering pizza. This might not be a usual thing but it's rubbed me the wrong way a few times.

So despite slow, sometimes rude service, along with my disdain for New York style pizza I give Paul's Live From New York Pizza  four and a half out of five stars.  It's just a place that I always end up and leave very, very satisfied.  After a night at Live From NY my belly is full and it's the end of an awesome day with good people. I highly recommend going with friends. Maybe after some beers at The Local Humboldt Cider Company or after a movie at the Eureka Theater. Be loud, buy lots of pizza. Don't forget the garlic knots and even tho the slices are really big,  I recommend two because you'll want it.

Extra bonus...............Guy ate there. Guy Fieri that is.
Live From New York is now a neighborhood in FLAVORTOWN!! 

Live From New York, for whatever reason is now exclusively a "CASH ONLY" business.  This really upsets me.  Cash is for drug dealers and children.  I have a bank account like a normal responsible adult person. I don't carry cash because I'm not a criminal hiding from the system.  In 2017 there is literally no logical reason to not accept debit or credit cards.  As I mentioned in my previous review, I often visit with groups of friends.  The likelihood of everyone in the group having cash is very minimal and a reason we will chose to eat elsewhere.  I still like the food here but the frequency at which I will be visiting has been greatly diminished because of this decision.  I am very sorry.

They now accept credit and debit cards again but they cancelled their cable TV so now you can't watch sports on the several big screen TV's hanging throughout the dining area. Last time I went on a weekday evening they were out of all of the pizzas for slices. We didn't want to wait so we went somewhere else. This place somehow thrives despite everything they screw up. I'm still a fan and go there as often as I can. 

Pro Tip LFNY: 6th & E is usually super busy on Tuesday nights because its half price night. Often people with parties of 4 or more give up because its a long wait. Be ready to take advantage of this.

 I hate that I love you Paul's. 

12 Pack of Cinnabons?

There is only one Taco Bell. For three cities that are full of pot smokers, the drive thru line can be quite long. Especially on Friday and Saturday nights. Although there was one exception. The Wendy's I've blogged about before was being rebuilt from the rubble a few summers ago and it's Grand Opening was to be the night we got back from a weekend trip. We roll into town around 9:00 in the evening and pass the Taco Bell. We couldnt believe it, the place was a ghost town. We wondered "are they closed for repairs or something?" "did they get shut down by the health inspector?" Then we got a little bit further down the road and by the long lines of cars and crowded parking lot we were reminded of the new Wendy's unveiling. For one special night the deprived citizens of Eureka had Wendy's, instead of Taco Bell to satisfy their late evening munchies.

One Friday night after going out I was driving my drunk friends home someone had the novel idea to go to Taco Bell. We wait in line, order and finally get to the pick up window. Since there's two groups in my car we had placed two different orders separately from the same car. I ordered some burritos, quesadilla, tacos, gorditas, standard Taco Bell fare. My friends ordered something similar. These highly trained Taco Bell employees can handle that right? Well, the window slides open and a pimply faced teen with the headset awkwardly dangling from his small head unenthusiastically confirms our order. "12 pack'a cinnabons?" I was caught off guard. 12 pack of what? I told him that wasn't our order and he asked "Well, what did you order?"

I couldnt remember my full exact order so I replied "uuuuhhhhhh, not that"  

Again he asked me "Not 12 cinnabons?"

"No we didnt order any cinnabons"

"then what did you get?"

"A quesadilla, gorditas and stuff"
"Hold on let me get my manager"

After a few minutes of him and his boss looking at screens and walking to the kitchen, an older Samoan woman comes to the window and reads off my exact order. apologizes and hands me a bag with my stuff. She leaves and zit boy comes back. I tell him we have a second order for this car. He, adjusts his headset glances at the screen a couple times then back at me as serious as a heart attack says "12 pack'a cinnabons?"


"NO! NO ONE IN THIS CAR ORDERED ANY CINNABONS!" He disappears and the Samoan lady comes back and helps us again. When she handed us our second order I kind of hoped they'd throw in the cinnabons for our troubles. But they didnt.
Another drunken night, similar to this one a friend was visiting from out-of-town and wanted the Caramel Apple Empanada they have on their dessert menu. Alas, they were all out of them so we ended up getting a 12 pack of cinnabons after all. They were pretty fucking delicious.