Jan 18, 2016

Movie Review: Willow Creek

Alex Pardee's poster art.
Time for another review for a movie that's been out for a while. This time it's the Bigfoot horror movie, WILLOW CREEK.  I had known about this movie for a while since it was made in areas around where I live in Humboldt and Del Norte counties. There was a big opening at a theater here in Arcata where some celebrities including the writer/director Bobcat Goldthwait were in attendance. Even some well known artists I'm fans of. I missed it in the theaters and on DVD so when I saw it on Showtime I set my DVR to record it.  

Willow Creek is an actual real town nestled in the valley of the Trinity mountains about an hour's drive East from where I'm typing this. The town and most of this area is famously associated with Big Foot as the name "Big Foot" was coined here in the 1950's.  

This movie is shot in the found-footage documentary style. If you've read my reviews before you know I completely hate it.  It follows two good looking, spoiled brat wannabe actors from Los Angeles who think it would be cool to come to the Trinity National Forest, find the location where the famed Patterson Bigfoot film was shot back in the 60's and document it on video. They bring with them a complete lack of respect for the locals and the wilderness. 

half the fucking movie is this.
Three quarters of the movie is a boring home movie with the couple driving and some interviews of locals. Mostly driving. Then hiking. Night falls and we get a long scary-sounds-around-the-tent scene stolen right from Blair Witch followed by a cliche lost-in-the-woods scene which keeps you yelling at the screen "no compass? No gps? No bread crumbs? C'mon guys! " Somehow they wander through the forest for 12 hours till the next night where they are surrounded by the same scary sounds again until it culminates in a very unsatisfying off-camera attack and camera drag through the grass. A naked fat lady and...... Title screen. The end. Boosh!!!!!!!

As I was examining the credits get reminded that one of the bay area artists I follow, Alex Pardee was involved which while it was being made I remember getting kind of excited about visuals from his wild imagination. Sorely disappointed on that idea. He maybe did the poster art along with seeing places I've been to in a movie, are probably the most interesting things about this movie. And his version of the poster isn't even the official artwork for the movie. 

Overall this movie sucked.  This is a badly done, mostly boring, bigfoot themed Blair Witch Project rip off.  I can't believe so many people were excited about this pile of sasquatch dung. 

Jan 13, 2016

January 9th, 2016 - 10:33AM - 10:33PM

10:33 AM: Silver minivan blasting Led Zeppelin.

12:37 PM: It's raining outside. Don't want to go out for lunch. 

12:39 PM: Buy sandwich from Ramones. Head to the lunch room. 

12:41 PM: The lunch room is permanently stained with the scent of microwave lasagna.

12:56 PM: I almost ate a huge bite of the paper my sandwich was wrapped in.

12:57 PM: Bob asks if it's ok to play his music in the lunch room. He put on 311. Carson got up and left.

1:05 PM:  Someone put a bottle in the can recycling. 

1:30 PM: Sarah is cleaning the pens at register 1.

1:32 PM: Sarah is cleaning literally everything at register 1. 

1:37 PM: Register 1 is pristine. 

1:39 PM: woman in her 70s wearing an OBEY flatbill hat.

1:41 PM: As I was making a pretend sneeze as if to put germs all over the newly disinfected register 1, I sneezed for real. 

1:48 PM: Woman with very loud sweater. 

1:50 PM: Man with American Flag shirt getting free coffee. 

2:35 PM: When I said that she needed to sign, customer reached for her ink pen. I stopped her and instructed her to use the electronic stylus.

3:08 PM: Sarah is now cleaning the pocket reference books. Individually, by hand.

3:29 PM: Woman in teal members only jacket looks mad at something.

3:33 PM: She's smiling now

3:35 PM: Vacancy. They's has it.

3:38 PM: someone spilled coffee, maybe Pepsi, at the gas station mini mart. Wet floor sign is in my way.

5:22 PM: Old man with back problems hunched over fully while he walks swiftly with a cane.

5:36 PM: Old man with back problems now at register. Without cane. He smells like farts. 

5:39 PM: Helped farting old man find his cane.

6:15 PM: Finally going home. I feel like I need to poop soon. Not urgently, just soon.

6:26 PM: Finally got to take a shit. Forgot to use the Poopouri.

6:37 PM: Friend is house/pet sitting for people with a Tortoise. 

6:48 PM: Gonna go see a Giant Tortoise.

7:32 PM: Tortoise! 

8:15 PM: In a crazy 100 year old house with a tortoise.

8:18 PM: Taking tour of the house. Pretty sure it's haunted. 
"kids room" they don't have kids.

8:32 PM: Eating Papa Murphy's pizza. Also ate 3 Habanero stuffed olives. Gave me hiccups.

8:33 PM: Only thing to drink besides water and alcoholic beverage is 2 cans of Root Beer left on the counter by the homeowner.

8:39 PM: This house feels like grandparents live here. But it's a young couple with weird taste. OMG, it's a hipster house! 

8:39.44 PM: They have a VCR and VHS movies.

8:46 PM: Watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit on VHS.

9:32 PM: Playing Cards Against Humanity. Feeling drowsy. 

9:50 PM: Taking pictures with Roo.
note the drowz

10:05 PM: Really drowsy. I feel like I got drugged. Wonder if the root beer was expired.

10:33 PM: Go home. sleep.

Jan 5, 2016

Wine Glasses and Why I Hate Them

I broke another wine glass doing the dishes this morning. 

I don't drink wine or any other alcohol. But in my experience as an observer, wine above all is the most self-loving full of shit alcoholic beverage there is. But this isn't that blog post. This is about the glasses from my perspective: A non drinker who does the dishes. Awkward, top-heavy, thin, fragile easy to break wine glasses. Which, to my wine drinking girlfriend's dismay, I manage to break on a regular basis. Because they're awkward and have to be washed by hand.  

actual plague infested rat wine deaths. 
I tried to look it up because in my head I was positive that the history of stemmed glasses came from preventing plague rats from getting into the wine but I couldn't find anything. What I did find is that it has to do with the temperature of the wine. Because if your hot ass person hand touches the bowl of the glass it will completely ruin the wine. 
When was the last time you knew you were being served wine at the incorrect temperature? Do you know what the correct temperature of any given red wine is? How many people do you see at a wine tasting tour holding a wine glass by the bowl anyway? I see it all the time and not one person at the winery corrects them. I've never seen a thermometer at a wine tasting room and most of the time the wine is left on the counter between pours. So fuck that theory right in the bung hole. Benefit of the doubt, let's say it does affect the wine so why not just serve it in a glass with a handle on it? surely your hand on the handle isn't affecting the temperature enough to change the ever-so-delicate wine. If temperature is such an important factor, why do 90% of beer glasses not have stems? I know, its because beer isn't supposed to be cold America. So why do we latch on so hard to wine glasses but chill our brews?  

As with every type of alcoholic drink there's a specific type of glass with some science behind it but in the end you're getting drunk, the host of the party is now pouring the boxed wine in your fancy glass and you won't even know the difference. Actually studies have shown that wine experts can't even tell the difference sober. So fuck you wine. 
We now own a set of stemless wine glasses which I'm excited about but based on all the reasons I've just mentioned they should not even exist. But they do, and they're popular because most people don't know they're fucking up when they drink wine and because with most of the wine regular people drink, temperature isn't that big of a deal... so take that pointless stems.

Dec 29, 2015

Hover Board My Ass

First of all they don't hover and they are not a board so knock that shit off right now.  Second- they're starting to ban these and stop selling them because uncoordinated idiots with no balance or any business using a piece of equipment like this are getting their asses handed to them. 

Hey ban them because the trend has created a demand that has resulted in cheaply made batteries and electronics that explode and catch on fire.  That's why they need to be regulated, not because people who would never even consider getting on a skateboard are falling off of these.  It's not the toy's fault, it's the operator. 

For fuck's sake.

Oct 15, 2015

Haliwax for Halloween

I was looking for a new font to use as a system font on my phone and started with some of the fonts I made myself.. As it turns out my font Haliwax gives my phone the perfect creepy Halloween vibe.

Download Haliwax at

Im not sure this will work for all phones or iphones. I have a Samsung Galaxy Note 4.
I use an app called ifont to change fonts. 

Sep 26, 2015

Dog Park 101

file footage from a few months ago. 
I'm at the dog park tonight with Bruce and there's only a few other dogs there.  Then this old lady comes into the big dog area with a tiny little Yorkie or something.  First I'm worried that her dog is going to get eaten by Bruce or another dog... but then this lady sits down on a bench in the dog park and pulls out a cheeseburger.  Dog Park 101 lady, don't bring food into the park. Unless you want to get tackled for your burger. The whole time I'm being extra cautious of Bruce to make sure he doesn't go near where she is, because he'll snatch that shit up in a second.  I once saw a woman bring a burrito into a dog park we used to go to back home.  She was overwhelmed with 10 hungry/curious dogs and almost got knocked over. She kept backing away not grasping the reality of the situation.  People started yelling "NO FOOD IN THE PARK.. GET OUT OF HERE WITH THAT BURRITO!!!"  She's lucky she didn't get hurt as well.  Fucking idiots. Dogs are unpredictable animals.  Especially ones you don't know. On this same note, don't bring your baby or small child to the dog park.

Bruce squats near the edge of the fence by the water faucet but doesn't really poop anything out worthy of picking up. I couldn't even see it. It soaked into the loose straw they put out to absorb the mud around the water bowls.  I let him run around a minute or two more and he acts like he wants to go.

The lady is on the bench next to the gate to the park and as I get close to her she pipes up and says "you know your dog pooped in the straw but you didn't pick it up"   WTF? I'm thinking to myself. This fucking bitch is going to try to school me on Dog Park Etiquette while she eats a juicy cheeseburger around a bunch of strange dogs?  OH HELL NO!  I told her it was a false poop and nothing came out to pick up... she kept trying to dog-par-guilt me into going back but Bruce had his leash on and was ready.  Fuck that bitch. She's lucky there wasn't a bigger dog with less self control and a less observant owner.  I wanted to call her out on the burger but we gotta pick our battles. Why are people so shitty?

Sep 22, 2015

The Best Cup of Coffee I've Ever Had.

The store where I work, Pierson's Building Center has a small cafe/bakery annex located inside the main store. It's one of I think five Ramone's Bakery and Cafe locations in the area. A couple things to note:  Piersons provides free coffee to it's customers and employees. The other thing to remember is that I am an employee of Piersons.  Just to be clear, this isn't Premium Ramones Cafe coffee they're giving away. It's whatever is good-enough-to-drink yet, give-away-free kind of coffee.  This is what I usually drink because I'm a cheapskate and it gets me through the day.  Now onto my story about the most perfect cup of coffee I've ever had. 

It was fall 2002 if my memory serves me. My band was on tour on the East Coast. We had just played the previous night in Atlantic City making our way back to Worcester Massachusetts.  It was an overcast morning traveling on the New Jersey Turnpike.  
example of a toll road service plaza oasis. 

Now, what most people living on the West Coast dont know is that all over New England are toll roads. And being that every time you exit you have to pay a toll, they've set up these convenient highway oases (oasises?) that you can enter from either direction without paying to exit the road. These usually consist of a large gas station, one for each direction of traffic exiting and a bunch of fast food and mini-marts all under one roof. KInd of like if a truck stop and a shopping mall food court had a baby.   Since it was morning we went for the Burger King but to our disappointment this wasnt an actual Burger King. It was a truck stop express BK with premade food under a lamp with no employees. Being that it was nearly 11:30am. There were only a couple stale breakfast sandwiches left.  So we turned around and saw a Dunkin Donuts.  Being from the San Francisco bay area, we'd never really experienced Dunkin Donuts or knew what it had to offer. I ordered a maple old fashioned donut and some kind of breakfast sandwich I think... and a coffee.   The nice lady working there asked if I wanted cream and sugar.  I said yes expecting to get a couple packets of sugar and maybe a powdered creamer packet, but to my surprise she just handed me a lidded to-go cup of coffee.  I asked about the accoutrements and she just nodded and said "its in there"  In my head I was like "WHAaaaaatt?!!!!!!!!!!!"  How do they know how I like it?  I'm very particular about my cream and sugar levels... she never asked me.  I was VERY sceptical. Then... I took a sip.  Temperature, perfect.  Coffee flavor, perfect. Cream level, perfect.  Sugar level, PERFECT.  OH MY GOD. I couldn't believe it how did she do this?   I made sure to tell the woman how perfect it was. I was very excited and probably freaked her out a little. People can be a little more surly in the Garden State. I will never forget that cup of coffee.  I've had coffee from Dunkin Donuts since but it was never as serendipitous as the Turnpike Dunkins.   A few years ago they started selling the coffee beans at the grocery store and everyone was hyping how good it was.  It wasn't that good. 

Which leads me to the Ramones in Piersons Building Center.   I've on occasion purchased a latte or mocha but in the nearly 3 years working there I've never purchased a regular coffee from Ramones. That is, until yesterday.  It was medium roast.  I added my own cream & sugar but damned if it didn't take me back to that foggy morning on the turnpike.  

Kudo's Ramones. This is the second best. maybe third.. no I'll have to say definitely in the top 5 cups of coffee I've ever had.

Sep 13, 2015

I think I just saw an Alien

I think I just saw an alien.  Not a UFO or a slimy mutant.  But the kind of alien, like the aliens in disguise like in the Men In Black movies.  They look just like humans but do weird shit that humans don't usually do. 
There was some commotion, a sound of crinkling plastic wrappers and sort of grunting coming from the back of the gas station mini mart while I was picking out something to drink.  Then a guy emerged from the scuffle. He was old, smallish build, kinda unkempt, needed a shave.  His messy salty hair covered his face but revealing thick rimmed glasses like you get at Walgreens.
Nothing that outright screamed alien, except he was carrying a stack, two hands holding probably every prepackaged microwave hamburger in the food cooler.  Which is weird but not alien status.  What made me certain that he was not from this world was when he started microwaving them all in the store. 
Who the fuck eats 8 gas station hamburgers at once... Inside the gas station?
That dude was a fucking alien. 

Sep 6, 2015

Fountain Coke?

Am I wrong here? It irritates me when places don't have a soda fountain for soft drinks but have soda in cans.  If they're up front about it I can make my decision to get iced tea because I'm going to want the free refills.  And don't get me started on places with no refills. 

So when I'm looking directly at a soda fountain, studying the selections when I ask for Coke and you bring me a can with a glass of ice and you never thought to mention this when I was ordering am I allowed to be pissed?

I would have fucking ordered tea.

Jul 22, 2015

Hey You Kids, Get Off My Lawn!!!

I literally had the opportunity to be that guy but resisted in the sake of being cool.  I come outside to drive to the store and there's a small group, maybe three or four young people.  Nice enough little girls, probably 12 or so laying down in the corner of our grass in the miniscule shade from our tree, sipping on Frappuccinos or something and giggling while they look at their iphones.   Apparently that's what kids do these days.  I decided to be cool and not yell at them. I just nodded to make my presence known and let them continue to be dumb kids.

When I get back the kids are gone, but they left a pile of trash behind.  As I park I see Frappuccino cups blowing around my yard and the sidewalk. Sticky green Starbucks straws rolling up my driveway and stuck in the blades of dried, drought stricken lawn. Even the cardboard drink carrier upside down at the epicenter of the debris.   I also would like to point out that today was garbage pickup day and no more than 5 feet from where they were casually trespassing was a line of empty trash cans they could have disposed of their waste.

What the fuck is wrong with stupid ass fucking kids?  Does this make me the grumpy old man on the street?  I mean, I tried to be cool and not shoo them away and this is the respect I get in return? I get a "fuck you and your free shade" from some ungrateful, rude, piece of shit mini-humans?  I wish I could follow them home and let their piece of shit parents know what the fuck is up.

God damn this generation of fuck-offs that we have to depend on for the future.  THIS... THIS is why the old grumpy guy tells you to get off his lawn. Because you have no respect for anyone else's property other than your own... and since you probably will never work or earn anything that is truly yours, you'll just be a shit head with shitty things fucking off and not giving a shit for the rest of your life.

I hope they all die in a school bus fire. That might have been a little too harsh.... but was it? Fuck those fucking kids.