Jan 27, 2020

Noggins...At The Movies.

I’ve been seeing quite a bit of movies lately and I can’t really remember feeling like I needed to discuss any of them immediately.  I was going through some of my old movie reviews and one thing they all had in common was that I felt like I needed to say something about them, but this latest batch of theater goings has left me underwhelmed I guess.  Let me try to remember what I’ve seen recently and come up with something to say about them.   In no particular order.

Ad Astra - I love sci-fi but I hate sci-fi that ends up being a backdrop for a drama or horror movie.   This was a fairly decent looking space/future movie but it wasnt about space or the future really.  It was about a guy and his relationship with his father.  Some of the science part of it was pretty far-fetched and hard to believe.  Also, can someone make a movie or show that's set on Mars without using red filtered lighting for every scene?  I get it, Mars is the "red planet" but come on.  The air isn't fucking red. 

Jo Jo Rabbit - Odd but good and funny at the same time.  This one  is a total goof ball idea about a German kid during WW2 is all stoked about being a nazi youth but he's kind of a dork.  Hitler is his imaginary friend which he struggles with as he learns more about what the Nazis and Hitler actually represent. All while learning about his mom’s role in the resistance.  It’s a well written off the wall comedic take on the period from a unique perspective. 

Little Women - Pretty standard period piece love drama.  It’s the same Louisa May Alcott story.  I never saw the Wynona Rider one or read the books so I didn’t have much expectations.  I was lured by getting Thai food before going to the theater.  Also, Bob Odenkirk plays the dad who’s sick or injured from the war and is not there for most of the movie. Then suddenly “we finally get to see the dad” and it’s fucking Saul Goodman. I chuckled in the theater.   I was waiting for a Mr. Show punchline for the whole last part of the movie.

Parasite - From the trailers and from what friends said who saw it before me I thought this was going to be a lot darker than it was.  I wished I hadn’t seen or heard about it before hand because my expectations kind of ruined what was actually a really good movie.  I guess that’s all I will say so that you’re not fucked over by my review. 

Honey Boy - Shia Labouf gets a lot of shit but I dig this kid.  This movie made me like him even more.  Imagine the balls it took to play his own abusive shitty stage-dad.  Did I just ask you to imagine Shia Labouf’s balls?  Sorry.   Anyway, yea. If you just remember him as a kid actor being all happy and funny then see this and the absolute fuckstorm of a life he had off screen during that time.  No wonder he fucking went crazy.  He wrote this in a mental hospital by the way.  Good flick.

Joker - What else can be said about this one?  It was barely a comic book movie which I kind of appreciated. Take out references to the Wayne family  and it really could be a stand alone movie about a troubled man with a troubled past, victim to a fucked up system.  Powerful in certain ways for sure.  I was thoroughly entertained.   

Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker - I’m not a huge Star Wars nerd so I wasn’t bothered by some of the little things that the die-hards were crying about.  Just like the last couple new movies it had all the things. All the StarWarsy things.  If was fun, exciting and generally enjoyable.  My only gripes was with Fen and the lady he met who he had like one thing in common with and a day later are like fucking soul mates who can’t live without one another.  And Lando creeping on the (might have been the same) girl at the end.  Not to mention that they were both black.   Even in a galaxy far, far away, people of similar skin color must stick together.

Doctor Sleep - I really was skeptical about this one.  The Shining is so iconic now and was afraid it would be totally cheesy. I honestly didn’t know Stephen King wrote a sequel but this was really well done.  The movie itself wasn’t phenomenal but I really liked the way they took the story and added to it.  I never would have even thought of taking it in the direction they did but it totally worked. 

The Irishman - Caught this one on Netflix and watched most of it half sleeping.  It felt like it should have been a season of the show Fargo and not a (very)full-length movie. As episodes  it would have been able to focus on the details of different characters and situations.  I also have to say that the story itself is not good enough to stand on it’s own without the powerhouse names behind it.  

Hustlers - Sometimes I regret telling Meg that I’d see anything with her if we see it at the Minor Theater.  Table service and ginger snaps win me over every time.  How this movie got Oscar buzz is beyond me.  It’s a movie about strippers taking charge.  The only real saving grace for this one is that it was based on a true story. 

The Good Boys -  Laugh out loud funny comedy about 3 kids who use a parent's  expensive drone without asking then unknowingly steal their big sisters' drug stash and destroying the drone in the process.  They go on an adventure trying to get a new drone that takes them well out of their comfort zone.  Their nativity sort of helps them Mr.Magoo their way through it all. 

Knives Out - Pretty engaging who-done-it sorta dark comedy with some really good actors.  One of those take it or leave it movies tho. 

Tigers Are Not Afraid - This is a movie set in Mexico, it's in Spanish with subtitles. I'm fine with that.  Pretty unique film about the gritty street life of the slums in urban Mexico.  Part fantasy, part ghost movie,  part movie about kids getting chased by drug dealers.  

Downton Abbey - Again, ginger snaps and hanging with friends will get me to see anything.  Have you seen the show?  Imagine a really long episode where the King and Queen come to Downton.  That’s this movie.

The Color Out Of Space - Woah dude.  Nick Cage in an H.P. Lovecraft movie.  More or less follows the basic plot of the original story but updated for present day.  Plays like a typical "dont drink the water" meets "Meteorite lands on a farm and makes weird shit happen" movie.  I enjoyed it although it starts out a little slow but the payoff is some really good body-horror effects (that looked to be traditional and not CGI) and twisted visuals.  Also Cage Rage.  I should probably mention Mandy here too even tho it was a while ago.  I think I found a new appreciation for Nick Cage with him finding a new home doing off-beat low budget horror.  Mandy is a fucking trip.  Literally.  It's about a couple living out in the woods who crosses paths with a crazy cult and some methed out, demon-like psychedelic biker mutants. Also, much Cage Rage in this one.

Midsommar - Speaking of psychedelics.  There's like 15 minutes of this movie where it's like the audience is tripping balls on acid.  It's about a young couple who should have broken up but ends up staying together and going with friends to some retreat in rural Scandinavia  which ends up being some ancient cult that has a few fucked up traditions. 

Once Upon a Time In Hollywood - It was fine.  Cool retelling of a well known event in the late 60's.  Some neat period nostalgia and Brad Pitt baddassery.  The 'Tarantino' doesn't really kick in until the last act of the movie but that's when it all comes together and you're like oh fuck this is what this movie is.

I'm sure there was more and some of these came out a while ago but this is what I remembered just now.  Like I said, if I forgot about them it's because well, they just weren't that memorable to me.   See you at the movies!

Nov 14, 2019

The Ink Shop

My first job just out of High School was making ink.  From scratch.  It was a very dirty job.   On one hand it was kind of neat and I learned where ink comes from. On the other hand it was very gnarly.  Basically it involved busting some resin chunks out of a drum of hardened amber-like resin with a hammer and chisel. Then measuring out a few different toxic, flammable solvents and cooking them down in into a slurry. Then I would pour some carefully measured powder pigments in and mix it with a power mixer from 1942. After that pour the chunky mixture through a 3 roll mill from 1930 with no guards on it.  Imagine 3 2ft wide, 10” diameter rollers, spinning at a crazy speed with a millimeter gap between them.  A few times I accidentally got my spatula caught and it sucked it in and busted the wooden handle off not before the machine making a scary loud noise.  And it turned a cloth rag into soggy paper.  I would often picture worst case scenarios in my head where I wore a long sleeve shirt and it gets caught and sucks my hand in turning it into chunky catchup.  

It was a learning experience for sure.  It mostly sucked.  It was summer and I had long hair which I ended up cutting off because it was caked with dye by the end of the day.  The shower floor would be black and purple.  My boss was this old lady who inherited the business when she was like 30 from the guy who started the business in the 50’s.  The recipes were on handwritten (cursive) note cards from the 60's.  Honestly in 1995 I'm not sure how she was still in business.  She was old school and was like "just dump it in the gravel behind the building"  chemicals... the place was like 20 ft from a creek that emptied into a bay that was like 100 yards from the shop.   But I was a dumb kid and just did what the boss said.  Earth Day taught me this was wrong but it was money.  I remember the old dude from the Fire Dept. did our inspections and I'm pretty sure she was giving him favors for a clean write up. One day a new young guy showed up and we had all kinds of violations and we spent a ton of time cleaning out storerooms and stuff.  Pouring shelves of old ink onto newspapers and letting it dry so we could throw it away.  I'm sure with bigger companies it's all above board but this was a little hole in the wall legacy business with only a handful of old customers. 

One of the inks was for printing on meat.  Since it had to be FDA approved it was basically like making Kool-Aid but with no flavor. Those were the good days.  I remember one customer’s ink was used for the plastic jars of Icy Hot .  I can only imagine some foamer in charge of packaging at Icy Hot was like, 'this new eco-friendly ink is crap, find us a company that still makes the old good stuff.  The good cancer-causing stuff that actually sticks to the jars’  Some of the chemicals were so gnarly though.  I remember nitroglycerine was used in something I made. It scared the shit out of me thinking it would explode if I handled it wrong. Especially while mixing it with that old fucking mixer you could see sparks in the vent holes of.    Looking back it was probably the medicinal, non-explosive variety.  It could have been for this one horrible, horrible ink I used to make for this one customer. It was  so fucking bad.  One of the main ingredients was this stuff that came in a big 60 gallon drum and it was the worst.  I wore rubber gloves all the time but this stuff would burn me through the gloves and turn the gloves yellow.  It smelled like 1000 proof bourbon mixed with rotten milk and cow vomit.  One other main ingredient in this ink was tar.  Old fashioned roofing tar.  It was in solid form in a drum that I had to use a drum heater for.  I never knew such a thing as a drum heater existed but I used it to heat up the tar so that I could ladle out the amount I needed for this crazy death ink.  It still stunk like tar and fermented cow barf after it was finished.  She said he used it in felt tip pens.  I never looked at Magic Markers and Sharpies the same way again. 

I'm sure if I ever get a get cancer or a superpower it's gonna be from working there.  And now you know this.  Thanks for watching. 

Oct 30, 2019

Like Ants, to the Taco Bell

I got some ants in my house a couple months ago so I went into my "junk drawer" in my kitchen to see if I had some of those liquid ant baits.  Everybody has a junk drawer right?  Box of staples, pens, tape, glue, that half of hoodie string that broke off you thought you needed to save for some reason.  But this is the junk drawer, not the Taco Bell Sauce drawer.  Distinctly different things.  Of course there's soy sauce packets, ketchup, the occasional oversized mayo packet in there but primarily it's Taco Bell sauce.  Taco Bell is a place that begs you to take too many packets.   You need one, two packets tops for a chalupa but there's a big, open tub of sauces. Four levels of hotness too.  You know you're too much of a pussy to ever use the Diablo sauce but you still shove your whole paw in there and grab a handful of that shit.  Really tho Taco Bell has 3 levels of heat.. first level, Hot. You drive a convertible but it's a 93 LaBaron.. then you step up to FIRE!  ooooh then what could be hotter than FIRE!?  DEEAABLO!!! Spanish for... THE DEVIL!!   A fucking fast foot taco place has satanic sauce.  Honey, I feel like having my head spin 360 degrees, stabbing myself in my vagina  repeatedly with a crucifix and then projectile vomit pea soup,  grab me a handful of the DIABLO SAUCE.   ..........Then there's......... Mild.   That's the one I like.   I feel like I'm rolling the dice by just being at Taco Bell already I don't need to tempt fate by summoning a demon with my Quesarito.   But even tho you know better, you grab the biggest wad of each you can and toss it in the bag.  Which is why now you have a dedicated an entire kitchen drawer full of hot sauces you're never gonna use.  But you never know!  😀    

So here I am sifting through pen caps, dead batteries and a warranty card for something I don’t own anymore to find some liquid death for these tiny persistent shits.  I find a 3 pack, and I put em all out for those little fuckers.   I wait a week and they’re ignoring the shit so I got to the store and buy a new box.  I put a couple out and they’re gobbling it up like it’s packets of sauce from Taco Bell.  YES! eat that poison you motherfuckers.   Then as I’m putting the box away into the void of faded  receipts, loose paper clips and my Blockbuster card, I notice on the back it says to replace them every six months.  In my head I had a vision of these ants seeing millions of their fallen brothers and sisters succumb to a plague and little post-apocalyptic ant scientists using samples of the poison residue back to their little any laboratories spending years to reverse engineer the poison to create a cure to build up resistance to the deadly ingredient in the ant baits.  After three generations of any civilization they finally become fully resistant.  But like, it’s exactly six months in human time.  

Make sure to change your ant baits everybody.  

Oct 21, 2019

Phone Etiquette Lesson 2341

If your talking with someone in a room with other people around and your phone is ringing off the hook with an annoying ring tone in your pocket its actually considered more rude to let it keep ringing than to excuse yourself in order to take it out of your pocket to silence it.

It goes without saying that you should just put it on silent in advance if you know you're going to a meeting, or movie. But this particular incident was  from this morning where a lady was talking to the veterinarian in the lobby about her dog. Her crazy fucking ringtone was like a classic telephone type but had a weird space-age effect. People in the lobby kept looking around sort of concerned because it sounded like some kind of alarm, and the dumb bitch didn't acknowledge that it was her phone. It rang like 200 times I swear.  The vet even tried to drop a hint and nicely said "sounds like someone is trying to get a hold of ya" and she said loudly so everyone could hear her  "YEA ITS MY PHONE"  but still let the fucker keep ringing.. There's sick pets in there too starting to freak out. Dumb fucking old people. 

Just reach down, press literally ANY button and it will stop. This is a 2004 problem happening in 2019.

Sep 24, 2019

Skunk Dream

I once had a nightmare about skunks.
You say skunks aren't scary but there was a bunch.
My friend stole skunk weed from his momma.
But this song's not about marijuana.
I'm not afraid of bad luck if I break a mirror
Not like Star trek 2 when Khan put those bugs in their ears.

I wear plaid shirts and relaxed fit jeans.
I think the judges on American Idol are too mean.
If I miss your birthday I'll say happy belated.
When I have leftovers I keep them refrigerated.
I like warm coffee and I like it black.
Too much red meat can give you a heart attack.

But listen...
My lawn is brown and my trees are overgrown
But you gotta stay on top of these things if you own a home.
I can't remember the last time I talked to a Librarian.
I like red meat but lots of my friends are vegetarians.
If you hand me a baby I'm not sure what to do.
When the server says "enjoy your meal" I say "you too".

Where was I? ....
I like the smell of sharpies when I use them.
I makes dents in the paper with a Bic pen.
I can't drink milk cuz it gives me the farts
Why's there always one wonky wheel on shopping carts?
My dog likes to jump up on the couch lay down and relax
It really takes it out of him after he chases the cat.

So yea....
I dont always fully stop at stop signs.
I've never had a reason to have my shoes shined.
Kailyn Jenner used to be a dude named Bruce.
And writing in cursive... c'mon what's the use?
I sometimes wonder that if I was the Hulk
I would shop at Costco more and buy in bulk.

Like I was saying....
There's a ton of crumbs down in my keyboard
I've always wanted to find someones dog and get a reward.
My shoe size is 10 and a half.
And my waist size is 38...cuz I'm fat.
Everyone thinks that I was scared because of the smell.
But it was like 40 skunks in that dream and they were mad as hell.

Jul 25, 2019

Lion King, Can you Feel the Love Tonight?

Just saw the new Lion King movie. It was weird. I never saw the original Lion King so I had no nostalgic connection to the story. My first thought was about how humanized the animals were and that the 'prey' animals were just cool with the circle of life bullshit and must have a lottery or something to decide who gets eaten by the lions each feeding time. 

Meanwhile having a nazi style rally with all the other victimized herbavores to praise the new king to whom they sacrifice unlucky souls as the price for living in peace on the plains. A large expanse that is ruled by the governing race of meat eaters. It really is an unrealistic representation of animals in the wild and I feel sorry for the kids who see this before they watch National Geographic nature shows.

And not to mention that while they address, albeit kind of brutally for the food animals how eating your neighbors is somehow justified, they really treat bugs, catipillars and grub worms like soulless nothings.  Where's the Bug's Life movie where they're constantly in fear of being eaten or having their entire home destroyed without a thought?

And the poor Hyenas are like fucked over for everything. No wonder they're so pissed. An arbitrary monarchy basically shuts them out of the peaceful life why? Because they have nothing to offer? Because they aren't food? Because they are competition to the lions? I kinda feel bad for them.

Once I got over how odd it was watching an episode of Planet Earth where the animals talk and do people shit I started to get into the story. But even then it seemed like a cheesy 80s Disney movie. I did really enjoy the Billy Eichner parts tho. He's pretty funny.

Overall I felt like it should have never been remade. Besides my usual hatred of Hollywood's lazy money grabbing, to me the story feels outdated and predictable. Also personifying animals works better in cartoon form. It wasn't Uncanny Valley but something like that but with animals that left me feeling uncomfortable.

If you loved the original you're probably going to see this anyway so nothing I say here will matter. Even if you know you probably won't like it.

Jun 12, 2019

Fuck Gardening

Some people have what is gleefully known as "a green thumb"  Not me. I have dead grey thumbs. I hate gardening.  I hate planting shit.  I hate it all.   I put you in the ground, you have dirt, I water you, you have plenty of sun... yet you just fucking die.  Why are you not working like you're supposed to nature?  Too much god damned work if you ask me.  

This meme speaks to me.   Every single  time I try to plant anything and watch it die while random shit I didn't even plant magically propagates like crazy.  Why can't the plant scientists take the gene that's in weeds that makes them grow literally anywhere with seemingly no sun or water or soil and put them into the plants we actually want??  WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY!!!!!!   GMO that fucking shit.  

Jun 6, 2019

Eureka. June 6th 2019.

Going home for lunch and saw hella smoke clouding up the sky and in the street before my turn. Then I turned and saw a few cars stopped, looking at the fire.  A smokey blaze next to a tree in a very overgrown yard.  I asked a guy stopped in his truck if anyone had called the Fire Department and he said.. "Nah she's there.... she's got the hose"  I look and its this old lady with a garden hose trying to put it out.  Karen in the minivan behind the guy I talked to was frantically on her cell phone so I'm sure she was calling.   Then I got home a couple blocks away and heard the sirens a minute later.  It sounded like a lot more sirens than necessary for such a small fire but whatever I guess it's being dealt with better than an old lady with a garden hose could handle it.

When I was going back to work I went a different way to avoid what I assumed was going to be fire trucks blocking the road.   I turn the corner and there's a big tow truck and glass all over the road.  I see what looks like a lady opened her car door and a giant lifted Suburban almost took it off the hinges.   Probably the extra sirens I was hearing was going to this. 

Just another crazy day in Eureka.
Also, Happy Birthday Mom! 

May 23, 2019


I keep seeing posts from a woman in my Facebook feed talking about her upcoming wedding. You can see the level of frustration with the stupidity of her friends upon each new post.
First I see a post that goes something like, "Hello all, please don't forget to RSVP if you want to come to our wedding we have limited space" A bit passive-aggressive but not outright rude. You can tell she cares if her friends come to her wedding or not and would like to make sure they get a chance to RSVP.
Then a day later I see a post that says something like this "waving at me and saying you cant wait for my wedding when you see me in the Winco parking lot does not count as an RSVP. If you were sent an invite please RSVP as per the instructions on the invitation" Clearly more aggressive than passive and the irritation is clear here, but she includes the proper information just incase they didn't understand the proper method to RSVP.
Then later that week I see a post that says something on the lines of, "...a Facebook post or liking my Facebook wedding post is NOT an RSVP, please use the invitation I sent you!" At this point she's probably wondering why she invited these idiots in the first place.
Unfortunately for her this is the world we live in now. Motherfuckers get off your ass and use a god damn envelope. You know these lazy, oblivious fucks are gonna show up all dressed up and when they get turned away complain and say "but I nodded to you and smiled in traffic that time" .... " but, but, I hearted your wedding post on Facebook" "but I ... " but... buy you DIDNT FOLLOW DIRECTIONS LIKE I SAID ... welcome to real life. This is probably why you cant hold a job you piece of shit.
Sorry to the person who was posting these I didn't mean to insult your friends but it speaks loudly about the complacency and selfishness of society today.

Mar 7, 2019

I Don't Know How To Computer (Macintosh Edition)

So at work I use a fancy Macintosh computer.  I’ve used Windows for 90% of my computer using life.  With this fancy Mac, comes a fancy Apple Magic Mouse.  Two years ago when I first started working here I tried to turn on the scrolling function so you can scroll with your finger (like a wheel)  but it never worked.  The person who used it before me turned off all the “magic” touch features and I was curious and went to System Preferences and found the  settings called “Mouse” and turned most of them back on.  Except for the one I wanted, the scroll function.  I figured it didn’t work for some reason and for two years I have been using the arrow keys to scroll internet pages or manually clicking on and movie the thing on the side of the page up and down like a fucking schleb.  

Today the arrow keys stopped working on my keyboard. For scrolling and just moving through type so I restarted my computer and they started working again.  My coworker asked why I restarted my computer and I told him my plight with the mouse and the arrow keys.  He said I should be able to turn it back on. So I went to mouse settings and there’s only one setting that looks like it would be for scrolling and it’s been on all this time.  Frustrated, I dug deeper (Googled) and after finding a bunch of pages that describe how to get to the Mouse settings for dummies.. I finally found a page that explained that I had to go into Accessibility  settings…..oK? ….  Once there I found a sub section in Accessibility  called mouse/trackpad settings but even then the setting for scrolling was kind of hidden under a button down at the bottom called “Mouse Options” that’s literally on a window with fucking mouse options already on it.  Fucking Apple man.  So I clicked it thinking it’s probably going to take me to the main Mouse settings in System Prefs that I had already seen.  But it opened a new window that was just a scrolling speed slider and a check box for scrolling with a pulldown for with or without inertia.  It was unchecked.  Even tho I figured it was just to turn on inertia or not I checked the box anyway.   I went back to a web browser and holy shit … it worked.   What kind of fucking ass-backwards bullshit way to turn on a basic function of a mouse Apple?  Jesus christ on a corn dog.  This setting should have been with the other mouse settings in the main System Prefs/Mouse settings window.  Oh and the thing that was actually there that never seemed to change anything.  “Scroll Direction: Natural/Unnatural”  … that thing makes it so if you’re scrolling your finger up the page goes down, like a normal mouse wheel does.   Since I had that thing on all the time when I plugged an old wheel style mouse in the pages seemed to scroll fucking backwards all the time.  I just thought that was how stupid Apple did it.  

But speaking of stupid apple the scrolling works like a track pad on the top of your mouse so I moves the page up down and side to side, which is kind of annoying if you’re working on a  project in Adobe.  I don’t want to say that you can’t turn that off yet because I’ve learned my lesson that the settings for this motherfuck could be anywhere.  

Happy computering  nerds.