Sep 3, 2016

Hey bro, do you espanol?

I went to pick up some Mexican food the other night at a new Mexican restaurant in a really shitty part of town. It's across the street from a flea bag hotel where shitty people live.  Just two days before there was an incident that involved a man with a hatchet attacking people.  Yeah. But it's really good food and they have reasonable prices.  While I was waiting for my order a clearly homeless guy wearing cut off jeans over dirty pajama pants, two different shoes and a tattered blanket comes in and mumbles something about a jalapeƱo plate.  The guy behind the counter seemed to know what he was asking for and the vagrant pulled out a crumpled up dollar bill, gave it to the clerk, took a paper plate covered with tinfoil and made an elaborate salutation to everyone in the place and left.

Right before I got my food a potentially, but not fully homeless looking Latino guy came in and said "hey bro, (then in a perfect accent) ¿se habla espanol?"  repeated it again along with something else in Spanish.  At this time the woman from the back calls my order and I take my bags but stick around to watch this exchange.  After a few seconds the cashier came out from the back and answerd him in Spanish.  Then in perfect English the Latino guy says "yo bro can I get a couple dollars to take the bus" Now the poor kid working there is thoroughly confused.  At this point he's probably thinking he is trying to bum 2 dollars from a business at the same time not sure if he should be speaking in Spanish or not.  He sort of laughs and replies in English "I'm sorry what do you want?  First you asking if I speaking Spanish then you talk in English"  the guy starts reaching deep into his pants pockets and says "I'm multi-tasking bro I can do it all!  Haha!"  then puts two handfuls of random loose change on the counter and says "I need two dollars for the bus can you help me out bro?"  the cashier has a confused laugh "oooh you want the paper dollars ok"  and helps the guy count two dollars in change then hands him two dollar bills. 

It was completely bizarre. Then as I'm walking back to my car I see flashing lights and it's cop cars and an ambulance in front of the Budget Inn.  The excitement never stops on the  east end of 4th St.  

Aug 30, 2016

Busses Only... Except For Me and My Little Angel

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I live next to an elementary school and I've talked about the parents dropping off their kids before. About all the stupid shit they do. About how I see them yelling at their kid's like they're a fast food worker who forgot their fries. About how they blast mega bass through insane sound systems while dropping their (now deaf) 2nd graders and about how whenever I would hear a loud bus horn I knew it was because some asshat parent would not only drive in the clearly marked bus lane, they would also stop which blocks the lane then get out and walk their brat to the front of the school. Well, today is the second day of the 2016 school year and my first day off to watch this shit-show live, right from my kitchen window. In recent years they've added a crossing guard to help the kids cross the street, which has been helpful, but this year someone got smart and added a person to help the idiot parents put their cars where they're supposed to. Despite the added traffic cones, arrows that guide you the other way and large "BUS ONLY" letters painted repeatedly on the ground these ignorant self-righteous fucks still want to get right up to the front so their little crotch fruits don't have to walk an extra 40 feet. And despite there being an actual human person standing there with a bright neon vest in a place there's never been a person standing before, they still insist on going through the bus lane. I can almost narrate the conversation in my head that the traffic controller is having through the car window with the parent while It's happening. It goes something like this. Traffic lady: "hello ma'am, you can't drive through there" Mom: "whaat?" Traffic Lady: " Yea that's a bus only lane, we have a child drop off area right over here if you stay to the left" Mom: "Why can't I just go here?" Traffic Lady: "because it's a bus only lane" Mom: "how am I supposed to know that?" Traffic Lady: "because of the cones and the giant letters painted on the road that say BUSSES ONLY, and because I'm telling you" Mom: "When did they change that, I've always parked here" Traffic Lady: "This has always been this way, you've just chosen to break the rules and block the lane for the busses, can you please move over to the left lane there's a line of cars building up behind you now" Mom: (as she angrily struggles to maneuver her giant SUV out of the bus lane over to the long straight empty child drop off zone that's literally 40 feet away she mumbles and trails off) "I always.... Who are you to tell me.... I don't see no busses... what a load of..."
On a typical school morning there are a line of bright orange traffic cones that have the bus lane completely cordoned off. It actually takes more effort to maneuver through them than just follow the proper route. Some parents will use the Faculty parking lot and walk their bastard offspring all the way to their classroom door. While this doesn't block the bus lane it takes up parking spaces for the actual teachers and staff that are supposed to park there.
So as much as I loved the glorious FUCK YOU of the bus horns in the morning It's even sweeter to see people told directly to their stupid faces they are wrong and they've been wrong now for 3 years. Kudos to you traffic lady, we all thank you for your service!

Aug 20, 2016

I have Diarrhea...

Earlier today as I was bagging up merchandise for a gray-haired, middle aged lady, just as the receipt was printing she looks up at me with wide, yet calm eyes and says.  "I have diarrhea..... I'll be right back"  and then takes off towards the ladies room.   What caught my attention though, was how cool about it she was when she said it. There was only a slight sense of urgency.  She said 'diarhea' but her demeanor seemed more like 'I forgot to get batteries' –not as severe as one would expect from someone about to violently projectile defecate into their pants at a hardware store. 

UPDATE: "I forgot the batteries" is now code for having to go take a shit amongst fellow employees.

BEST FACEBOOK REPLY: With age comes wisdom... And nonchalant poop emergencies. - Brian Cutright 

Aug 8, 2016

The Mysterious Fresh Freeze Incident

Something pretty strange happened while I was picking up some take-out tonight from a local drive-up 50's style diner here in town called Fresh Freeze. It's located at the edge of a shopping district in the middle of town on the corner of F and Harris streets. This is a fairly busy street corner.  I parked on the outside edge of the lot which would put my car facing the street instead of the building. I remember because I usually park in front facing the building but couldn't because there were a lot of people there. I don't know why this is significant but I'm trying to paint somewhat of a picture here. In the corner of the lot next to my car is a big 50's style Fresh Freeze sign.  It was still very light out and as I was walking back to my car I noticed a guy standing near the sign on the sidewalk. He looked like he could be a homeless type person. There's a pretty significant homeless problem in this town and ever since the city evicted 100's of people from a homeless camp recently with little thought on how to help them, they've sort of spread out around town. He wasn't full-on hobo though. He looked like a typical grungy young person I may have hung out with in the 90's. Beanie, longish hair, long trench coat. Imagine, Jay from the Kevin Smith movies.  Anyway, I notice him but pay no further attention to him and continue walking to my car with my food and milkshakes.

I get in my car, set the bags down on the passenger floorboard.  Make sure the milkshake holder is secure for the drive home. Still bent down I plug my phone in and tap the auto-window-down button sort of all in one motion. As I sit back up, window now down, I notice something right outside my car door.  It's the guy.  Right. There.  Sixteen inches from my head. He's in a wide legged stance and with both hands, he's pointing a red digital camera at me reciting this line very bluntly and with full seriousness.  "DO NOT TRY TO CONTACT ME - I WILL FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST YOU" all the while snapping as many pics as he could before I opened my door. I unplugged my phone opened the camera app and got this bit of video, shouting "why are you taking pictures of me"  as he briskly walked away repeating the forementioned warning.

video


I got back into my car and followed him down Fst.  I had my camera open and ready on burst mode to catch a shot of him.  Apparently so did he.  As I got closer to him I notice that he's walking on the sidewalk at a medium pace, It looks as if he's removed his coat maybe to try to disguise himself. But the interesting thing is that he has his camera pointed backwards. At me!  I slow my car down as I pass and now we're dueling with cameras like members of opposing street gangs during a drive by shooting.  


All I was able to get was this blurry series of pics  as I passed.  


Here's an animated gif of the pics. 


He's probably just some poor guy off his medication and is just having a mental paranoid episode. He probably thinks he's some kind of rogue agent and everyone he sees is in some evil organization that's after him. For all I know the red point-and-shoot digital camera doesnt even work and he found it in a dumpster or something. Just another prop in his delusion.

This whole thing was just sort of surreal and I dont know how to feel about it. I just hope he doesn't try to track me down with my license plate number and stalk me or something.  

Jul 24, 2016

Really? A New BLAIR WITCH movie?

A trailer for a new horror movie titled The Woods surfaced recently that many thought resembled the story of the original movie The Blair Witch Project.  On it's own the story of the original Blair Witch Project movie wasn't very groundbreaking. Much like The Woods and many other haunted forest movies it's about a group of young adults that get lost in the woods and  get haunted by an unseen spirit.

With that being said, many aspects of the first Blair Witch Project movie made it truly unique. It revolutionized horror movies. In my opinion more for the worse than for the better because almost every horror movie to be released since then has been the same "found footage" and conveniently low budget filming style  But the way Blair Witch Project was marketed and presented early on, with fake documentaries and historical websites helped create a word of mouth marketing buzz. Then being released in small theater added to it's own mysterious mythology and history. Many people, including myself, while sitting in a leaking, tiny damp theater in Berkeley during a rainstorm, still wasn't sure if it was real or not. People leaving the theater in awe and confusion. All murmuring to each other "what did I just watch?"

Blair Witch Project was the first and last true found footage movie that worked. Every found footage movie to come after (including the Blair Witch sequel)  were a complete joke. Excuses to do cheap production. No one is fooled.

By the time Blair Witch got really popular and people that saw the previews on TV and watched it in the megaplex it was already ruined. The Blair Witch Project that came out in major theaters a few months later was essentially an entirely different movie in a way. I don't blame people for saying "that movie sucked" if they experienced it like this because by then the cat was out of the bag, it really did suck because the mystery was gone.

Now as many suspected the movie with the working title of  The Woods is actually a reboot of the 1999 film The Blair Witch Project. It will be released September 2016 with the title Blair Witch.  To make a full production remake of this is just stupid and lazy.

Apr 16, 2016

Crazy Stories Your Brain Creates

It's weird when you see something that looks odd but most likely has a rational explanation and your brain, because it doesn't have the full story creates a crazy one of its own.

I was walking passed a car at the gas station and saw an older woman sitting alone in the passenger seat of a newish BMW.  She had a dazed look on her face staring blankly into the sky at nothing.  Almost like someone you'd see in a hospital who's alive but lost all cognitive function. The car had Oregon license plates and my mind immediately concocted a script about someone who broke their grandmother out of an institution and was traveling south through California to escape to Mexico to get experimental treatment.

Mar 12, 2016

Vaping Visitor from Another Dimension?

This morning I am pretty sure that I witnessed someone dissappear into a portal. 

I was just pulling off of my street and I saw a large puff of smoke.  What appeared to be the smoke, rather vapor from a vaporizer, or electronic cigarette being smoked by a man in his late 20s. He was wearing baggy pants and a large jacket.  This is a pretty typical sight in the city that I live in so other than the large white plume catching my eye I would have never noticed.  He was walking on the sidewalk towards me on the opposite side of the street.  Just as I saw him he sort of ducked and pivoted to his right into an alcove behind the Subway restaurant.  As if to spit something or light a cigarette to get out of the wind.  I thought this was curious.  I wanted to see what he was doing in the small plants in front of what is now a dog grooming shop that I go to.  I was concerned with vandalism or something.  So as I pass I look back and he was gone.  The grooming shop wasn't open yet so he didn't go in there.  Not that he could at the angle I was viewing him I would have seen anyone use the entrance to the shop.  Subway has no doors on that side of the building.  So he definitely didn't go there.  The foliage was just a small low lying bush that no one could hide behind.  The guy just disappeared.  Or went through some kind of inter-dimensional portal of some kind.  Or he was an alien or time traveler. I don't know what it was, all I know is that he was there puffing out a large cloud of vapor and gone the next. 

It was a very odd thing to see. 

Feb 25, 2016

Facbook: We were promised a "thumbs down" button.

If you dont use Facebook, congratulations. Please skip to the next post. This isn't for you. 


All the rumors were pointing towards Facebook adding a thumbs down button to show a different reaction in posts.  And what we got was a sweet pile off feel good icons that all but two mean you like the post.  I was never concerned with whether or not someone knew the level of like in my thumbs up.  Spending sleepless nights wondering if I just liked their post or if I hearted it or lol'd it. I like the mad and sad icons but those could be summed up in the thumbs down we were supposed to get. I like the ambiguity of a simple like or dislike. Sometimes a middle finger would be good to have.


Feb 22, 2016

Fake Numbers for Women's Sizes...Why?

We can't have true equality until they stop with the women's sizes for shit. I wear a 10.5 shoe and 38 waist pants... Because, inches. You know an actual term of measurement. Women's sizes are arbitrary, feel-good numbers invented by designers. "I'm a size 8!" 8 what?  What scale is that even on? Oh you're a size zero?  Really, you're fucking invisible? That makes no sense on any planet.
What if the oil industry decided that vehicles like trucks and hummers and shit get to use Man Gallons instead of regular gallons. This Hummer Tank SUV gets 5000 miles to the gallon! Man Gallons that is!  Yippie Ki Yay!  
What if the food industry decided that a woman's size for shit like designer yogurt and lean cuisines was a made up amount too? "I only had zero ounces of diet coke today" after drinking a six pack. That shit sounds stupid because it is.

Knock it off. Use real measurements stop lying to people to make them feel better. 

Feb 18, 2016

Hardware Storing Like a Boss

A customer approaches me in the paint department asking about spray adhesive. I inquire to learn more about his project so I can get him the best product. All he tells me is that he needs something that won't take the paint off the walls when he takes the thing he's gluing back off as its a temporary thing and he's renting the place.  After asking more questions he tells me it's foam, sound proofing foam.  Like egg crate foam material.  I tell him my band experience with soundproofing and temporary spaces. In this case just like my situation was, he tells me it's a bedroom. I tell him what we did and we bounced ideas back and forth. How he's describing the material it sounds like professional audio quality sound foam.  I like to talk shop with other musicians and music people and at this point I'm convinced he's building a recording studio rather than a band space so I ask "so are you building a recording studio?" He hesitates with a smirk and says "my girlfriend is really loud"  another pause. During this brief period of time I was thinking that they fight or something like that then he continues  with "she's loud when we fuck and the neighbors are complaining"

Not exactly what I was expecting and it caught me off guard.  I was ready to be in full music nerd mode then he lays that on me.  I laughed and joked back to him that the gags are on aisle 5. He chuckled then thanked me for my advice and we parted ways with big smiles on our faces. 

Like a boss.