Mar 6, 2020

Weed Stores, Stop Pretending to Be Health Clinics

I’ve been noticing all the new pot stores popping up around town now that it’s legal here.  And yes, I call em pot stores because let's be honest that 's what the are, a fucking weed store.   They still call them dispensaries or wellness centers and have words like health or patient in the name or try to make it sound like a brand of lotion you get at a pharmacy.  Why are they trying so hard to sound like a fucking doctors office or some kind of  place for healing when the names of the weed strains are still called Green Crack and Strawberry Cough.   If you want to sound legitimate  stop calling your “medicine”  Girl Scout Cookies, OG Kush or Gorilla Glue.   You went from 'Walk-In Heath clinic' to 'stoner cartoon names' after we start looking at your products.

They should tighten up their shit and start naming their marijuana things that are more in line with the names of the stores.  I’m not a pot smoker so I don’t even know where to begin with this but boring things like, for example if it makes you sleepy call it “Sleep Aid” or if it makes you high and silly call it “Satiiva“ or “Energy Booster” and maybe some numbers from the formula they used to make it.   Or if it’s purely medicinal just label it with the percentages of CBD. If that sounds lame it’s because it is. They must  think all of us are as high as they are.   Weed is weed … they should just go all-in and name the stores like they’ve been naming the weed.   There's already Doctor Green Thumb's which is a good start but it still has "Doctor" in the name. 

Here’s some fun ones to get you started; 

  • Sticky Ricky’s Doobie Den
  • High as Hell (devil theme design)
  • This Bud’s For You
  • Stoned to the Bone (mascot is a dog with bloodshot eyes)
  • The Magic Bus (hippie VW bus and tie die theme)
  • The Dank Tank (have aquariums to zone out on)
  • HERBie’s
  • Maybe one that serves food called Munchies. Actually there was a sandwich shop chain in AZ called The Cheeba Hut that might be able to cash in on this idea.  Their sandwiches were named after classic kinds of dope.
  • Oh and we can’t forget about the classic from The Simpsons, Stoney’s Pot Palace
Your Interior Designer
And while we're at it, can these places stop looking like they sell lattes or repair cell phones?   Just make them more inviting to their target demographic with tie-die tapestries, beaded curtains, Bob Marley posters, bong water stained carpets and a 100 year old coffee table with hash stains and burn marks.  Less modern white tile and more red, green and yellow color scheme.   Less,  GreenMed Health Center and more Jerry Garcia Cover Band Garage.   It's cannabis man, get fuckin' high on your own supply and start coming up with fun ideas.

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