Jul 30, 2013

Strip Clubs Are Kind of Gay. PYMHM

I've posted a lot of stuff since I started this blog back in 2005, and some of it you might have missed. Another thing about these posts, is that I might not have always used capital letters or sentences that make sense. I still might not but I thought I'd dig through the archives and bring some back in a blogseries I'm going to call PYMHM. Posts you might have missed. This one is from 2007. Edited slightly for grammar and continuity. 

I saw link for an article a long time ago about how Hi Def was becoming detrimental to the porn industry.
“The biggest problem is razor burn,” -Stormy Daniels, Porn Star.

It makes sense. Those chicks aren't perfect. If they were they wouldn't be doing porn right? That got me thinking about a strip club I went to a long time ago. This place had a gross drug addict stripper. She was old and had bruises and band aids all over her legs. She was dancing  to "Private Dancer" by Tina Turner. It was more like moving in a drugged out daze than actual dancing. I cant ever hear a Tina Turner song now without thinking of that. The setting was pretty intimate so she could totally see us if we left.  To be nice, we waited till she was done to leave. 

You'd think something like that would probably turn me off strip clubs for life but, in all honesty, strip clubs in general turned me off of strip clubs for life. For those of you who don't know, I was in a band on tour around the country for several years with horny young dudes who saw this experience an opportunity to slay some major vag, and look at as many boobies as they could. In my tenure with that band, we found ourselves often at strip clubs.  But as I will explain below, despite how masculine and manly looking at boobs and twat seems or whatever kind of, ego boost it gives men to pay women to act like they like them.  To me, it seems kind of the opposite. I will explain. 

evolvedworld.com  Top 5 Reasons Men Go to a Strip Club
they dont mention that it's getting boners with dudes around.
 I like naked boobies as much as anyone but strip clubs are essentially a bunch of men getting horny together. Getting a boner with your friends around was barely acceptable when you and your friend first discovered his parents porn collection and defiantly not OK for grown men. Unless you're Jon Bon Jovi (or in a really small podunk town) your'e more than likely not going to get to have sex with them even if you wanted to. You're just going to leave there broke and horny. I don't want to pay someone money to give myself blue balls. After paying a cover to get in I really hated throwing more money at a naked chick. (tipping bla bla bla) on top of the money issue, (Pro Advice: Dont ever use an ATM at a strip club)  Another thing for me is that I really don't like fake boobs with implant scars. I guess that is part of the deal though; when you make your living being naked, you gotta get the implants because the girls that are born perfect, their self esteem is way too high to strip and honestly I'd rather look at natural small ones. Even tho small ones don't make as much money, in my strip club experience (that is way more extensive than I'd like to admit) there's always a small tit chick, a black chick and a fat chick in the mix to satisfy the tastes of different clientele. In Hollywood its all mostly plastic whores and modeling carer drop-outs. 

Lap dances are awkward. That's when they start talking. It makes you feel kind of obligated to try to say something because a naked girl is grinding on you. So you ask questions about them and they start to tell you they have 2 kids or that they are working their way through college and their dad beat them. Any way they can to get that pity money. What they don't tell you is that their money goes towards crank.  Kid stories bring in more money than crank addiction. I'm generalizing and am sure offending someone in the exotic dancing community.  I'm sorry but generalizations are funnier for the story. Also, stereotypes had to start somewhere. 

So yea, I hate strip clubs. I haven't gone to one since I stopped touring with my band. I hated that I'd always get stuck going to them because we all shared a vehicle which we also lived in. And my opinion was the minority. Strip clubs in my opinion are the most latent homosexual thing a guy could do. Maybe not the most but there's a chronological order to things that aren't gay but come pretty close.

Somewhere below going to a strip club with your friends is watching porn with friends, below that I'd have to say having a threesome with another guy and a chick. I did it once, but we called it double-teaming. We never even saw each others dongs. Then somewhere down on the list is pissing next to a guy at a urinal when there's other open ones. If you look over, you're crossing over into possible gaydom.

I think i'll have to add Wrestling, body building and working out at the gym with other dudes in here too. Have you ever seen those work-out magazines? It's kind of soft-core gay porn.  One time I was flipping channels and there was an infomercial for a work-out video.  It was basically two guys lifting weights and if you closed your eyes it sounded like full-on gay porn. Not that I know what gay porn sounds like but I can imagine it sounds something like this did... "oh yea, hold it right there..." [heavy breathing] "oooh that feels good.. i can feel it in my butt" it was pretty funny. Jokes were made.
I wonder where writing a blog about how much you hate looking at naked women ranks on the latent homosexual list?

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