Dec 10, 2020

Why Monopoly: The Goonies Edition is Problematic To Me

 As those of you who’ve seen my post about “New Monopoly” know I hate the classic board game Monopoly.  So I when I see themed adaptations of it I have the same reaction most people have, I get excited.  But for me the excitement lasts for two seconds mostly from nostalgia but then remember it’s still that same fucking game I hate.  Most of them are cute and serve a purpose I guess but this latest one seems to be a bit tone-deaf.  Not because Monopoly itself is a capitalist bastardization of a game created to warn people of the dangers of capitalism but because of the specific subject matter they’re trying to use to market this fucked up game.

Let me present to you, Monopoly: The Goonies edition.  After my two seconds of nostalgia wore off I sort of wondered how exactly are they adapting this particular classic board game with this particular movie.  The issue I’m having here is that if you stop and think about it, the plot of the movie and the goal of the game are at odds with each other.  What I mean is that in Monopoly, land acquisition and taking other players property is the goal of the game. Why this is fun for children is still beyond me but it's a popular game so 'fuck you' I guess.   How you win the game is by owning the most high valued properties and building hotels on them hoping to screw over everyone else.  In the movie The Goonies, a small coastal town the "Goon Docks"  is in threat of being bought by a land developer to build a Country Club.  While packing boxes in the attic for seemingly imminent move to a new home a group of children from the town  who call themselves "Goonies"  find an old pirate treasure map which sets them off on an adventure to find the lost riches that will hopefully be enough to save their homes and the town.  So basically land acquisition and fucking people out of their home, how you WIN in Monopoly was the whole reason they needed to look for the treasure in the first place. The entire plot of the movie.  

Monopoly: The Goonies completely misses this contradiction and would have you buy properties like “SLOTH’S ROOM”, “BONE ORGAN” and “ONE EYE WILLIE’S CABIN” as if they're actually properties in the town.  If the game was actually like the movie you would be playing the game as the Country Club developers and to win, you'd be trying to stop the Goonies from finding the treasure.  If you’re playing as the Goonies  since you have no money you get one move which is to draw a Chance card and hope it’s “You find Willie’s treasure, pay off debt” otherwise you lose and have to move to Portland.

Who thought this was a good idea for Monopoly?  Jack ass marketing people that’s who.  And you know why?  Because consumers are morons who don’t have the brain power to understand why this is so fucked up.  They see Chunk, Mikey and Data on the box and get all starry-eyed at the game player tokens being a Skull and Crossbones or Willies Patch.   Lizzie Maggie is spinning in her grave. 

I was going to link to the page where I saw this for sale but fuck that. If you're dumb ass still wants to buy this abomination you have to find it your damn self. 

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