My Problem With Superman

original art by me @kirkiscool - come at me DC Comics. 

Ok so I probably shouldn't be going off on shit I really don't know that much about.  Especially when it's something a ton of nerds are hella passionate about and will definitely defend.  Well, despite me just casually knowing that this shit exists for the last 30 years of my life I thought I'd give my very unsolicited, uninformed opinion.   Everyone loves those.  

Even as a kid I never really could get into Superman. I've always felt like I was supposed to. He's super after all, but he's basically invincible. If you think about it, there's nothing really exciting about that. There's only one thing can harm him and it's not even something that's naturally found on earth. Why is he super buffed? If he naturally has super-strength from outer space why does he even need muscles? They couldn't just let him be super powerful and completely invincible tho they had to give him X-Ray vision too. Oh but he can't see through lead for some reason. What a bummer to end up on a planet with tons of lead on it. OK, so lead and Kryptonite are the two things that can fuck with him. He has less rules than a vampire. Wait, is he immortal? That makes having a girlfriend kind of awkward. .......Oh yea AND he can fucking fly. HE CAN FUCKING FLY!! What the goddamn fuck? One other thing I just realized... accepting the suspension of disbelief that having underwear outside the pants is just normal alien clothes, why does the underwear need a god damn belt? His whole body can defy gravity but his space underwear tights need help staying up? None of this makes sense.

How have there been nearly100 years of Superman storylines that just have him just majorly winning all the god damn time? I never read a Superman comic but I've seem some of the movies. In the movies the only trouble he ever really faces is from some rich maniac who somehow was able to get Kryptonite. It's like making a comic about a regular sized human that ends up on a planet of just ants and fights ant crime and puts on some ant glasses and works at the ant newspaper and none of the ants notice he's 800 times taller and not an ant. My point is how is this still entertaining? (actually I'd probably check out the ant movie lol)

OH MY GOD I totally forgot another power he has. I can't believe I forgot about his laser beam fucking eyes. This beautiful, perfect, immortal, X-ray vision having flying motherfucker can shoot god damn laser beams from his eyes. And now that I'm thinking about it, he can fly like HELLA fast. He flew so fast once he literally reversed the rotation of the earth and went back in time. As if that's how it works. Morons. Fuck you Superman.
And can we talk about that disguise tho? LOL. I mean, his disguise is more unbelievable to me than the whole story of an alien baby with super powers who can't be killed or hurt being blasted to Earth and raised by farmers in Kansas... without anyone finding out about it. But yea the glasses have everyone fooled? Not to mention he literally works with investigative journalists who's job is to notice shit. "KENT I need you to get to the bottom of this Superman business" "Wait, has anyone seen Clark?" "He's always busy doing whoknowswhat when there's a Superman scoop in progress..... darn that Kent!" Morons!!!!

Another funny thing is that the other super popular DC hero from the last 100 years is a guy with ZERO superpowers who is very mortal but somehow is just as successful at stopping bad guys, not dying and being a popular comic book character... and some could argue a more popular movie franchise. Fuck Superman.  Don't get me started on Supergirl.. How the fuck does that even work?  Wait, you probably totally know and will tell me all about it in great detail, I don't want to know.   And Batgirl while we're at it.  It's like the pink bike or 'Bic Pen For Her' version of comic book heroes. 

I'm sure there's gonna be comic nerds out there screaming at me for this post.  Telling me about some other important aspect to this that I'm probably missing completely that makes bazillions of people love this shit but I don't get it and don't really care.  Superman is dumb. 

Anyway, get vaccinated.  It's kind of like being Superman. Your kryptonite is anti-vaxxers and led is like, not dying from covid but you can still get it....or something...  Whatever, just get the shot. Wear a mask and don't have or attend  superspreader events.  May the force be with you.  Nanu Nanu , live long and prosper.