I know this because part of my job, as some of you know is researching local history. Another claim to fame for Ferndale is former resident and current mayor of Flavortown, Guy Fieri. Yup, he grew up here and still has many ties to, and love for his hometown. One of his many gifts to our little corner of Northern California is his contribution to our historic and beloved county fair. His involvement, for obvious reasons usually involves a BBQ or Chili competition aways with a huge emphasis on philanthropy for the community. This year was his big post-covid return to the fair and this time he brought his Food Network film crew to film a hometown special focused on the county fair. This is important for later.
I have a connection to the fair through my work because we are big, long time sponsors of the fair but also major advertisers for the main sponsor of the Guy Fieri event this year; The Chili Cook-Off. Through this connection I, me, lowly graphic artist was given the opportunity to be a judge for this chili cook-off event. I joked with my boss about it and mentioned I had experience judging a Chili Cook Off. Yes. Back in the day my dad and I were judges in a pub crawl chili contest. So I said screw it and agreed to taste and judge some chili. Now, I knew Guy was going to be involved but I've never witnessed any of his events he does at the fair so I while knew there was a chance I would meet him or at least be in the same vicinity as him, I did not know how involved our spikey headed local celebrity would be.
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| Yes, this Guy |
Day of the event I have a pass to get me into the fair. They said to meet under the horse racing track grandstands at 2:30. This was my only direction. The grandstands are big and there's only really a couple places I know of that are "under" them. The area where you place bets on horses, the bar and the bathrooms. I got there about 10 minutes early, went to the area under the grandstand but didn't see any official looking voting area, no one I recognized that I knew was going to be there was anywhere around. So I'm standing there like "WTF? Where do I go?" the only thing that I noticed that wasn't normal was a door with a police officer guarding it. I figured this was where our local Food Network Star was being protected from the local plebs. Then I noticed a dude with a lanyard that said Chili cook off something something so I told him I was supposed to meet here to be a judge and asked where to go and his eyes lit up and he yelled "he's here!" into the door with the cop and then handed me to another guy with a headset who had me sign a paper and then whisked into the room. This small room was buzzing. I see guy standing off to the side. Men with cameras and microphones. Another guy pulls me aside and straps a lapel mic on me, pulls a cord under my shirt, stuffs a transmitter pack in my pocket and points me to the judges table all while I'm hearing different people murmuring things like "OK we found Kirk our last judge" "oh he's here ok" as if I got there late and was holding up the show. I'm usually a pretty punctual person which is why I showed up early and when there was literally no direction other than go to this unspecified location in a large area that ended up being hidden away and guarded by a cop, yea What memo did everyone else get that I did not? I felt like an outsider. I kind of was tho. The other judges consisted of local politicians who I'm sure have participated in events at the fair like this and some of Guy's friends from his TV world, a couple chefs and cooks he knows from his TV shows. The lady next to me won an Instagram contest to be a judge. So even though she felt out of place too, she, like the local yokels somehow knew about the secret room under the grandstands that no one told me about. And I'm sure you can understand my resistance to approach a room being guarded by a cop.
Anyway so I'm sitting there feeling like I'm being judged for being irresponsible, we finally settle in and Guy tells us all to introduce ourselves and of course he starts with me. I'm caught off guard because I literally just sat down and say "I'm Kirk" then he says something like "no like your name, what you do and how you got to be here". So since I had no idea what I was involved in I just said "I'm Kirk, I work at Pierson's and do their advertising. That's how I know the person from the Journal who invited me to be a judge" but probably said it more stupid than that. What I didn't know at the time is that this was being filmed by the Food Network for a hometown fair special or something. So no one watching will know what Pierson's is or what the Journal is. Everyone goes after me and they sound perfect, rehearsed and have clear concise reasons for being there and who they are. I'm just some asshole who showed up late ruining everything.
Just fucking bring me some chili to judge. Next, Guy gives us a rundown on how we should judge the chili. After researching online, getting tips on how to judge a Chili cook off (that's right motherfuckers, because I'm prepared and get to things on time) he says write one number, 1 to 10 for heat and one number for overall quality. That's it? I don't have to judge color, smell, consistency, separately? OK. We get one bite of each of 16 chilis. Just one plastic spoonful. I didn't think one bite was enough to have a clear opinion on a few of them but looking back in think it was probably more for expediency than strict judging purposes. I should have just taken another bite. While we're making our way through the entries. An official chili cook off person would ladle out a scoop of one chili at a time to each of us. We inspect the consistency, take in the aroma, take a single bite, write our numbers on our sheet, and members of the crew would swoop in and take our cups, spoons and clean up any drips on the table... You know because this is being filmed. And then we'd get another ladleful of the next chili and so in. During all this Guy says he'd like to get some soundbites of our reactions. One of the chilis was green in color and apparently vegetarian. Maybe I'm more accustomed to vegetarian foods because my girlfriend has been vegan or vegetarian the 25ish years we've been together, but I really liked it. So when and all these people who seem to gauge the worthiness of chili by how meaty it is are scoffing at how weird it was I said "it ain't easy being green. I really like this one" and Guy was like... Ooh did you get that? And 3 different camera guys turned towards me and I was directed to repeat it again like 4 times for the cameras. "look at Guy when you say it" so that was a true TV moment. I said something about not thinking any of the chili was that spicy after everyone else was making remarks about it being spicy. Maybe I have a higher tolerance. They kept focusing on people's reactions and remarks throughout the whole thing. I had my own microphone so that could possibly be used as well. Who knows?
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| Photo: Times Standard |
While they counted our scores I went out to the area outside the room we were in and it was all the contestants serving their chili along the edge of the racetrack. I noticed many of them were being served with cheese or onion, one place had home made pork rinds. We didn't get any of that and I wondered, how much that and only getting one bite would affect the intended presentation of the chili. Anyway, shortly after this the scores were all tallied and Guy took the stage to present the winners. There were a few awards that the public voted for and then the award for grand champ which is the one I judged. Another weird thing is that while they were announcing the winners I had no idea which ones were the chilis I tasted. It was just numbers on a chart when I was tasting them. I really had no horse in the race as it were. This is when he mentions the camera crew roaming around filming and interviewing people around the event. He announced that they were his crews from Diners Drive-Ins and Dives, and Guys Grocery Games TV shows filming a Food Network 'Guy's Hometown County Fair' special. Yeah. For national TV. So if I had known this in advance I would have gotten a haircut and not worn my grungy bleach stained hoodie.
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| Friends Kayce and Jordy were at the Fair! |
In the end all the chilis were good but nothing blew me away. Nothing was horrible. I was worried about some super weird chili with seafood or something gross like hella ketchup in it but it ended up pretty tame. In the cook off my dad and I judged before someone made a Smoked Salmon Jerky Chili and I judged it on odor alone. And when I talked to my manager about it he said he once judged some chili cook-offs out in the hills with possum and raccoon and other mystery road-kill meat in them. Thankfully nothing like that happened.
A little confession tho. Generally I'm kind of indifferent on chili actually. I like it in a bowl with onions and cheese every once in a while. I hate chili dogs. Chili fries etc. I've never tried to make it. People go ham for it. I'm probably not the best person to be a judge. lol
So yea, that happened. Look for me on TV sometime in the not too distant future. Maybe.
