Some Stories About Me and My Butthole

I'm sure I have had to have mentioned my poop stories in the past here but I don't think I've shared these stories here.  I could have sworn I had but I searched and couldn't find anything.  So for your entertainment: 2 new poop stories and one old one.  Well, they're all old but 2 are new to you I guess. 

The Quiche Incident
This was at my new at the time girlfriend's aunt's house for a party with her aunt's neighbors. She lived in a cool but not huge house in a nice little neighborhood and had cool but kind of hip/snobby friends/neighbors. Or at least that was my impression because I was a young bad ass and insecure.  

There were various plates of fancy foods to much on. There was a plate of mini quiche that were fucking delicious. I wolfed down several of the mini quiches because all of the other food frightened me.  I wrote a whole post about foods I wont eat. You should go check it out.  Now, I am lactose intolerant but it's not like shit-my-pants-if-I-smell-dairy intolerant. I can eat pizza and ice cream most of the time and I'm fine but there was something about these mini quiches that fucking destroyed my guts. I felt it coming and tried to wait it out. I didn't want to take a shit in her house. It wasn't a huge house and she only had one bathroom. I went outside and let out some farts to relive the pressure. Then I went to my car to try to let it pass. It didn't. I had to go. I tried to be sly. The bathroom shared a wall with the open concept kitchen. I casually ducked away into the bathroom when people weren't looking and proceeded to fucking unleash hell on that toilet. I felt better immediately but I had to deal with the smell. I opened the window. I sprayed anything I could spray. I lit the candle and thought it was ok. I mean it smelled but it's the bathroom. I felt bad if someone was waiting for me and used it right after me but for the most part I felt I was in the clear. I went back to the party and had the typical awkward time with people I didn't know. Went home and other than my girlfriend making jokes about me not being able to eat quiche, I mostly forgot about it.

Almost 20 years later I'm still with the same woman and have had many, many visits, vacations and good times with the very same aunt of hers. While on a recent trip with the aunt and girlfriend the quiche incident comes up in conversation. Her aunt laughs and says something about how bad it smelled. Wait what? You knew? You could smell it? Still laughing she informed me that everyone at the party could smell it and wondered what it was. At one point there was concern of a sewer or gas leak. It ended up just being a funny moment for her and her guests but NO ONE EVER TOLD ME.  For 20 years I thought I had gotten away with it. I thought the window and candle and spritzes covered up the smell. Oh well. I haven't eaten quiche since.

The Panamanian Shuffle
Not long after moving to a small rural city 5 hours away from the bay area a neighbor we had made friends with was flying out of Oakland Airport the same weekend we were driving down to see family.  On the way to the airport we stopped at Chili's for dinner.  Normal, safe mediocre Chili's.   I should note that this friend had never been to a real "city" before and she was excited to be flying out of the Oakland. The airport isn't' in the best part of Oakland. It's not all bad along the normal route Google tells you to take,  but a traffic detour... or should I say, the police closing a whole-ass major intersection for reasons we could only speculate on, took us through a part of East Oakland that people passing through on the way to the airport don't usually go.  And since it was after dinner the sun was starting to go down and it was becoming– well it was getting to be night time in the hood. I was driving and while our friend was "ooh"ing and "ahh"ing at things happening out the windows she'd only seen in movies and TV, my guts were starting to bubble. It came on quick and I tried to play it cool. There was nowhere to stop and find a bathroom so I kept quiet and clinched. hard. Once we got closer to the outer airport area there were gas stations and fast food places. I blurted out "I gotta shit bad" and abruptly turned into a gas station that had a Starbucks on one side of the parking lot and a Wendys inside of a gas station situation on the other side. I parked haphazardly kind of in the middle next to the air and water station and carefully glided to the Starbucks. The one bathroom they had was occupied and I waited for like 10 seconds and looked up - the brightly lit Wendy's sign across the parking lot came into focus. I then, trying to be casual and not shit my pants booked it past my car and to the Wendy's/Gas station. The Men's was occupied but the women's was open and I said fuck it. While I was in there my GF was texting me that they saw me fly by them in the parking lot and later made fun of my butt-clench, straight leg waddle at hypers peed.  Since I'm 1/4 Panamanian for some reason they coined it "the Panamanian Shuffle"  Now any time I have to poo or am running to the bathroom she says "Panamanian Shuffle"  
Fucking Chili's.

Friday Night Poops
This is kind of a PYMHM but it fits the theme.  
Late December 2006.  This is an old one folks from the glory days of the noggins. Italics is 2025 me talking about 2006.
We got this new heater/ceiling fan thing for xmas that wasn't working so my dad and I switched out the light switch and checked all the breakers to make it work... it still doesn't work. The whole time we were rushing because it was Celeste's 12th birthday and we were supposed to meet at the Mexican restaurant down the street. We got there just in time. I got a carnitas burrito which was hella good but had more cheese in it/on it than I expected. I didn't take a Lactaid (here's that lactose intolerance again) but didn't think it would be a big deal. (because it never is right?) after I finished I started to get the bubble guts and knew I needed a toilet fast. No one at the table realized how serious my situation was.They kept saying "were almost ready we're leaving soon" but they hadn't even got the check yet.
So I'm sitting there with a crazy stomach and bubbling insides, in a cold sweat ready to shoot hot shit all over the place. Finally we pay and get up to leave. My ass is clinched tighter than a nuns cunt on Easter as I try to walk to the car. (pre-Panamanian shuffle!) we only live 2 blocks away thankfully. We get to the house and before the car stops I'm halfway to the stairs. Running trying hard to keep the shit in. I must have taken too wide a stride while running and about three of my steps were accompanied by a squirt, squiiiirrrt. oh fuck "Meg I think I shit my pants" she only laughs. before I could think about the implications of shitting myself I get on the toilet and unleash like Eisenhower on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I was in there for a good 30 minutes. and another 15 cleaning myself. After that, exhausted, I joined the rest of the family just in time for present opening and cake.  I passed on the cake.

After all hullabaloo from the party we went back up to our room to call it a night. Meg walks in first and hits the newly installed light switch. At that split second the lights turn on then we hear a pop and then everything goes black. Our first thought was oh shit we wired it wrong and it blew the power to the whole house. Then meg saw a blue flash and we turned around then realized the power was out on the whole street.. Then after we walked around in the moonlight realized that it was all of down town. I talked to my dad the next day who lives on the other side of town and he said his power was out too. It was out for like 2 hours. Pretty eerie when everything is off. It was complete silence other than the sirens of EMT's and Ambulances going to the old folks home down the street. Thats gotta suck. We tried to read a book by flashlight but Meg kept talking about shadow people and freaking me out. Then all the sudden zzhhhhhoooom everything came back on. still haven't heard what caused it...maybe a squirrel chewed a wire or something... I guess it happens tho.  I think this actually ended up being a possum that got fried at the power station.  I also have a memory of hearing what sounded like a raccoon dying in the bushes across the street during the silence when the power was out. Maybe that was another time. 

Waffle Party Conception. Severance Fan Fiction.

I know this post will have a very narrow audience.  Even narrower considering literally no one reads my blog anymore. If you haven't seen the hit AppleTVplus show, Severance. Go watch it. 

If you have seen it you'll kind of get what I'm riffing on here.  I was pondering the bonkers work incentive for the MDR team known as a "Waffle Party"  It comes totally out of nowhere but sort of tracks with the culty vibes at Lumon Industries.  I had this mental image of two low-level Lumon execs sitting around thinking of ways to try to impress their bosses.  As if they were tasked to come up with ideas for incentives to keep the innies in MDR meeting quota.  So far they already had pencil erasers and the caricature drawings but they thought bigger.  What if they let the innies have sex as a reward?

Setting: Breakfast meeting at Pips with two Lumon executive employees.

–Hey, weird thought- how about as an incentive, maybe we should let the innies have sex?
I bet they'd love that! haha. 

-No, I'm serious.  

Okay... but we can't just make it like sex with a hooker or whatever, it has to be tied to work somehow.
–what if the innie is taming the tempers?
Like have the innie fuck woe, dread, malice and frolic?
–yea we could get sexy costumes made...
how do you make Dread sexy?
–anything can be sexy, Steve haven't you been to the Halloween Store?
Good point. So it will be like an orgy with hot chicks dressed as the tempers.

(awkwardly stops talking as the server brings their food. Attractive 20something waitress remarks at their order as she sets it down "Waffles all around eh?" Roger replies "yea so what we like waffles, mind your own business" said with the confident arrogance of a Lumon exec inside Pips in the town named after their founder.  She leaves and they carefully continue with the orgy discussion) 

Wait so, what if it's a woman.... the innie? for the orgy I mean, should there be a guy?
–Ok make one of them a dude. 

Wait will the male innie think they have to fuck the dude temper?
–If they want to I guess? Maybe some of them are gay...Maybe the woman wants to fuck the other women tempers. Who knows what those innies get up to. Maybe they will think they have to and not want to ... fuck it. If it's for Kier they probably will. We can just make the goat a dude.
Ok settled. (he says mouth full of waffles) What should we call it?
–lol how about a 'waffle party'
(spits out waffles) what!?
–yea we could have the innie eat a stack of waffles while they dance.
This is getting out of hand, wont they think that's weird?
–Dude this whole place is weird and they don't even blink and eye. Have you BEEN to the Mamalian's Nurturible? Those weirdo's outies think they work in a corporate records department. They won't even care. They'll be like "sweet, waffles and sex! this is the best job ever"
Ok -'Waffle Party' it is. OMG this place is fucking crazy. I can't wait to tell Jaime. 
–Praise Kier
(together) PRAISE KIER!!!
ahh dammit. (dunks napkin in water to dab syrup off his tie)
–(waives down server who laughs under her breath at him spilling on himself) For Kier's-sake can we get the bill please?

aaaaand... scene. 

Get Lumon Frozen Waffles from your favorite grocery store- and you can have your own Waffle Party... AT HOME! 

These Trying Times... PYMHM

 I called it the "new normal" in the original post and it was mostly about Covid times but with Trump's very authoritarian dictator or petty bitch style of governing.  Where if you don't like him he retaliates like a fucking child with access to nuclear codes.  It's exactly like that old Twilight Zone episode "The Good Life" about a kid with unlimited powers and everyone around him just kisses his ass.  

But you know?... it's real fucking life.  And while we're comparing reality to bleak science fiction I'm starting to see a lot of similarities to the recent season of the Star Wars series, Andor.  Even if you aren't into Star Wars I highly recommend this series.  There's not one single light saber or Jedi knight in it.  

Back to the old post you might have missed.  I wrote a short fictional scene of the future. 

I had a vision of a small child in front of a tent fashioned from torn tarps,  cardboard with faint Amazon.com logos and various salvaged materials.  She is a girl of about nine or ten years old with short hair wearing a bulky sweater with holes in it that revealed layers of dirty clothing underneath and a crude respirator mask. She's standing around a burning pile of trash with a few other children of varying ages.  There's also a much older man with dirty white hair under a floppy knit cap.  He has wire rimmed glasses which are repaired with tape and a paper clip.  He's sporting a tattered cloth scarf which was wrapped around his neck mouth and nose. The child looks up and asks "Grandpa, can you tell us the story about the  movie theaters?" The old man clears his throat with a few small coughs, adjusts his scarf and replies "Well, child, there were places where people would go and sit shoulder to shoulder in a small room watching a movie on a big screen the size of house..." Before he could finish his sentence there was an audible gasp from the children standing near by to keep warm. "and no one was scared to get sick grandpa?" Then moisture welled up in the old man's eyes. He coughed again.  A single tear fell down his cheek paving a weaving, clean path on through the soot and dirt on his wrinkled skin. He pulled up his make-shift mask to wipe his tear.  Adjusted it again, and for a moment remembered what it was like before the "new normal" began.  He muttered under his breath "all they had to do was follow simple guidelines...just wear a mask"   Then visibly upset now, slightly louder "All they had to do was wear a damn mask!" The excitement put him into a brief coughing fit.   The children, startled, all turned their heads towards the old man.  The child inquired "Who didn't wear a mask grandpa?"  The old man then heard the sound of synchronized, booted footsteps in the mud approaching.  "quiet children" the grandpa whispered as the Trumpguard patrol officers approached.  The old man huddled the children in his arms and watched the guardsmen carefully as they passed hoping they hadn't heard him talking of people not wanting to wear masks, and movie theaters.  The old man's grip on the children loosened once the officers were gone.  A sense of relief came over him. The children sensed this even thought they didn't fully understand.   One of the younger children looked up to the old man, pulled down his surplus respirator mask and verbalized as best he could  "what  a... moo vee?   The old man quickly peeked out into the road and made sure the men were gone while he gently moved the child's mask back into place.  He then put the child on his knee and in between wheezing coughs, constantly adjusting his face scarf, the old man proceeded to explain movies to the children of 2042 by trash fire light.

Obviously most of this pertains to a future where Covid was never controlled and Trump won the 2020 election but the way things are going I could see something like this.  The synchronized boots of Trumpguard patrol officers.  Not far off from the Stormtroopers in Starwars. 

Fuck something's gonna have to change and fast.  

Old White Dude vs My Take-Out order

I ordered Chinese food at the place near my house.  I noticed theres no street parking in front of the restaurant but it's totally wide open across the street.  So I'm planning on making a u-turn to park.  Then this old fuck in a crappy old pickup driving behind me just whips the wrong way in the area I was gonna park.  I end up just parallel parking in front. As I'm parking I see that he leaves his hazards on as he walks across the street. Like leaving the hazards on makes it less illegal. I wish a cop would enforce this.  So because I had to actually park legally he beat me inside. He kinda pushes his way passed everyone who's already in there and is like "I wanna place an order to go" great. Fucking gramps is leaving his truck parked illegally to browse the menu... The cashier tells him it could be up to 30 minutes wait, which is totally the norm for places like this. Anyway, he then scoffsnans throws the menu down and leaves. Storms across the road in a huff and drives off revving his motor loudly so everyone can hear his disdain. I preordered on the app and I'm still waiting. It's fine tho because I can tell they're busy. 

So many boomer white dudes think the world revolves around them. 

The Great Italian Gas Station Sandwich- PYMHM with a Twist...

The little cafe that's inside the store I work at has sandwiches and other fresh deli items as well as pastries and coffee.  They have this one sandwich that I totally love but refuse to pay full price for so whenever they have it in the "2nd Day Fresh" aka, yesterday's leftovers section I pick one up.  It's a salami baguette sandwich and it's just perfect.  I was wondering, as I munch on one right now; why do I love it so much?  And I remembered my old favorite pre-packaged sandwich I used to get from the convenience store.  It was called "The Great Italian" and was almost exactly like the sandwich I get from the cafe.  I hadn't seen one in a while so what does any other bored and curious person do? I Googled "Great Italian gas station sandwich" and the only result that looked like what I wanted turns out...  was my very own Noggins post about it from 2006.  HA!!!! 

I didn't intend on making a new Post You Might Have Missed but it was thrust upon me by the internet gods.   

In my original post ... the one I just found on Google, was me in 2006 complaining that my beloved Great Italian sandwich no longer came with pepperoncini in the package.  It was written as a complaint and plea to the Rel's Foods company who made and distributed them.  I just Googled Rel's and they seem to be an Oakland Ca based company but the reason why I haven't seen my sandwich in a while is because they got slammed hard by the FDA in 2009. Not long after I posted that Noggin. Maybe they knew they were being looked at and the problem was contaminated pepperoncinis so they switched to black olives, which I also complained about in that post. 

According to Google AI: 

"The FDA filed a complaint against Rel's Foods Inc. in 2009, alleging that the company was manufacturing and selling adulterated food products, including sandwiches contaminated with Listeria monocytogenes. The complaint also named several Rel's Foods employees. While the company is still listed on Yelp with a location in Oakland, CA, the FDA's complaint suggests they are under scrutiny and may be facing challenges in their operations" 

then there's this little disclaimer under it "AI responses may contain mistakes"  thanks I guess. 

Here's an article from SF Weekly about it.  And a sad attempt at a clever headline.  

Oakland Sandwich Maker REL's Shut Down for Selling Creepy Crawlies on Rye

Damn. 

During my research (2 google searches) I also found out they made the Red Hot burritos too. I've been looking for those as well and have had to get The Bomb or El Monterrey which are just not the same.  Red Hot burritos and Great Italians were part of my childhood and teen years growing up in the East Bay.  Sad to see they're fucking up and probably not a company any more.  Now if I could only find a damn pre packaged Piroshki up here behind the Redwood Curtain. 

Hey, Assholes: Photo Friday.

 Here's a splattery cumshot of photos.  Nothing is in chronological order. 

Benny got big.  

Birds

I drew in my sketchbook that I had to find for a "Drunk & Draw" event at a bar. 

'Tilda tillin'  

Grr Norman. (More about that later) 

Benny & Norman. 
Norman's first walk outside. 

Painted a couple of skateboards for the SkateboardArt Charity Show

ahhoooooo basset sticker! 

Fucking amazing carpet in this old victorian Open house that we popped into

Norman!

So that iPad I ended up getting, I finally got a compatible Apple Pencil and I've been using it. Made this digital painting. 

Sunny nap time. 

New band, Northern Blight had a show. 

Made with the iPad! 

Norman. 

Benny (note the drool) 

Sleepy time 

Baby Norman after we picked him up.  From fucking Madera. 

Pencil doodle of an old lady from the future. 

Frankenstien. Derping it up. 

Bruce went over the rainbow bridge.  RIP sticky boo-boo jam hands.
this is what led to us getting Norman.  

Got new heads on this kit.  I had the same old heads on it from like 2001

Franks and Benny

Franks and our friend's puppy, Obi-wan-Potato 

Severance Premier Waffle Party.  Praise Kier. 

I Went to Taco Bell. Society is Doomed.

Inside Taco Bell. I've been here for a few minutes but I ordered on the app before I left work. I see these boomer ladies waltz in, take forever to use the kiosk and then two seconds later they're yelling at the staff asking for their food. Obviously it wasn't ready and I could hear them scoffing and complaining under their breath. They just left and got in their car and drove off. WTF? 

They saw all the finished orders on the counter

and asked any of them were theirs. He said they were for the drive thru. OMG I hope they didn't go into the drive thru. 

There was a guy sitting in there with me for around five minutes and after seeing several people ask for orders by name he realizes he didn't put a name in on his kiosk order.  Apparently he chose cash payment but hadn't even paid yet. Poor staff there must have to explain Taco Bell to at least 40 people a day. While they're explaining the cash order thing a young woman comes in without noticing the ten people already here with no food cuts in front of me and a door dasher and demands to the guy behind the counter "order for Sarah?". He frantically checks "I don't see anything for Sara" because she probably just ordered it in the parking lot before she walked in.  

How do these people survive life ?

Apple I'm trying to like you but you make it so damn hard.

So now that the free iPad arrived that frankly I feel like I earned. No, paid for in the grief that horrible company gave me, I decided to try to actually use it.

I've never owned an iPhone or iPad so this operating system is all new to me but I know a lot of people use them for artwork. I've been using my Samsung Galaxy phone for most of my digital drawing and it's fine but I am always hearing about the proprietary art application, Procreate. I see people using the famous Apple Pencil and saying how amazing it all is. Now that I have an iPad I could see what the grass was like on the other side of the fence.  So I went looking for a an Apple Pencil.  My friend had a second generation Apple Pencil she didn't use and let me try it out but it wouldn't work which had me Googling and I found that the model of iPad I have while new, it's not the greatest which means I cant use the newer and fancier Apple Pencils on it. Only the 1st generation and the USBC version are compatible with my iPad. So as one does, I skipped the Gen1 and went straight for the newer of the two. I never thought to check if the specs included pressure sensitivity or not... I just assumed.. you know because the free stick of thin plastic that came with and lives inside my Samsung phone has pressure sensitivity that the luxury brand, $80 Apple Pencil would have it..... NOPE. Why does this even exist? Why would you NOT have that feature in a premium writing/drawing device? Apparently the Gen1 does and all of the other ones do but the USBC version does not? I'm actually angry.

my phone with it's S-Pen

So to get what comes standard on the S-Pen which I think comes with most compatible Galaxy devices (also the pen that came with my Surface Pro has pressure sensitivity) I have to fork out $100. A hundred friggin dollars for something that came out in 2015 –just so I can properly draw on this damn thing. And since the 1st gen Pencil uses an Apple Lightning port to charge I will have to buy an adapter.

I was just ranting out loud to my coworker and jokingly exaggerated a guess "an Apple USBC adapter is probably like $30!" but then I googled it and holy shit it is 30 fucking dollars.

And for the 20 mins or so I was trying to use it to draw I noticed that the tip is hard-as-fuck plastic.  Writing or drawing with a hard plastic tip on hard glass is not pleasurable.  For the first several Galaxy Note phones the S-Pen came with extra tips.  A couple hard ones and a couple soft rubber ones.  I always used the rubber ones.  And with my newest phone they only came with rubber. Because they figured out nobody likes the hard ones.  So for Apple to charge that much and not even include alternate or extra tips is fucking bullshit.  

I've always hated iPhones and iPads mostly because I've never really used one and every time I've tried I get frustrated.  It's mostly Android fan-boy bias but after this experience I'm starting to feel justified.  The USBC Apple Pencil not having the same basic features as the generation before it just should not exist. And yes, pressure sensitivity is a basic-ass feature any officially branded stylus should have. There's 1000 knock offs on Amazon that are basically the same thing as the USBC Apple Pencil in functionality for $10. I bought one and returned it because it didn't have the pressure sensitivity. I was like OK then I guess I'll have to fork over the $$ to Apple to get the real shit and then I get it and it's useless garbage.  This only makes me hate Apple even more.  I tried to like you but you just make it so damn hard, Apple.  

So now I'm like do I even try?  Do I just return this USBC Pencil and try to sell the iPad?  I feel like an entire portion of the population is being gaslit by Apple to think they're good but they're not.  

Changing Internet Providers Part 3

Go back and check out the first two installments of my saga of trying to switch internet providers. 

Part 1 here
Part 2 here

It's basically about how fucking shitty Optimum is.  Immediately after cancelling my service I got emails with offers to stay, several things in the mail trying to get me to come back but I just threw them out.  Then I got this text message

Praying hands emoji?  oh man.  Then the next option is STOP with a broken heart emoji.  These fuckers are desperate and it's almost embarrassing.  I haven't gotten a text or anything from them since.  Well that's not true.  In part two, I mention how I was supposed to get a free iPad when I signed up and the rep said I needed to stay with them another month and even offered 2 free months to stay but after 45 mins on the phone I just didn't care anymore and said I didn't want it.  Well yesterday I had a package on my porch.  It was nothing I was actually expecting... it's the free iPad!  

The box has a bunch of optimum mobile promo material in it so I was like low key afraid to turn it on in case it's automatically signed up for a free month of mobile account I have to opt out of. I turned off all the cellular connections and so far, so good.  This company sucks so hard I would not be surprised.  

That dude on the phone totally lied to me and said I wouldn't get it unless I stayed signed up longer.  But that's what they do they fucking lie.  Since the first time I called them to the last time I talked to them before cancelling.  I'll say this again.  Their service is fine.  It was fast enough to do what I wanted.  Everything worked.  But they fucking lie.  They jack up your rates. There's gigabites of horror stories on the Optimum subreddit about how they go out of their way to be shitty when they don't have to.  Just stop being a shitty company. Give people a normal rate so they don't call mad at you for jacking their price just so you can just give them a great deal again.   There's this poor guy Randy who posts from Optimum offering help but the people have turned on him.  

Get outta there, Randy!  

Hopefully this is the end of my saga.  I'm waiting to see if they try to take another auto-payment out of my bank account.  But I hope this is the end.  

I changed Internet Providers Part II

You may remember back in Dec I decided to start the journey of getting off ATT and trying the new Vero Fiber service who are the first fiberoptic ISP available to the general public in my area. Ever.  Unfortunately I had to go to the butthole of local ISP's, Optimum in the meantime.  Well the day has finally arrived!  Huzzah!  This morning in a pleasant and fairly painless process, Vero Fiber was installed. They didn't even try to upsell me into a router I didn't need because he told me the Netgear router he noticed there was better than the one he brought. A shit company like Optimum would probably lie and make me pay monthly for a router I didn't need. So the next phase was to cancel Optimum. I've heard horror stories and frankly fully expected it to be a chore to do but dumping ATT actually was pretty smooth. They basically were like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and just told me when my last day would be.  So I wondered naively if the stories I'd heard were blown out of proportion. Well, let me tell you that just spent 40 mins on phone with this woman who's name I forget with a delightful, thick and vaguely Asian accent on a phone connection that let me hear myself talk a second after I said something. Which isn't very reassuring for a communications technology company. But before we even got into it she needed my account access code which is on my bill.. which I don't have because I'm paperless..which was a whole other fucked up situation from before. Anyway, now I have to log into my account on their website which for some reason the password I had saved is no longer correct. So while I'm on the phone with her I'm having to do the whole "forgot my password" shit. She keeps telling me "sir it's on the top corner of your bill" I swear this is done by them to make me want to give up on cancelling. Finally I find the code and then It went something like this:

Lady: "Can I ask why you want to cancel your service?"

Me: "I just want to"
Lady: "can you tell me what is the reason?"
Me, already flabbergasted: "do I have to tell you?"
Lady: "I only ask because I see you have a really excellent promotion with us now I am wondering why do you want to leave"
Me: "I just want to leave and try something different"
Lady: "we will give you a month for free"
Me: "I don't want it. No thank you"
Lady: "BUT IT FREE WHY YOU WANT TO LEAVE?!!"
She couldn't understand why anyone could possibly turn down something that was free. She pushed me to this.
Me: "it's my right to not want to do business with your company"
Lady irritated: "BUT SIR ITS FREE SERVICE"
Me. it started to get personal "YOUR WIRES ARE RIPPED OUT OF MY WALLS. THE ROUTER IS IN THE BOX READY TO BE SENT BACK. I NO LONGER WANT YOUR SERVICE"
Lady: "....but sir it's a free promotion you dont have to be paying anything for one month..."

OMG! My coworker in the next office could hear me and was laughing. After another 20 mins of this back and forth, sounding defeated, she pauses for a few seconds and finally says she's transferring me to someone to terminate my service. While on hold but she pops back in every 40 seconds or so "I'm still working on this please hold for a few more mins and I'll be right back" She does this like 5 more times. I swear they do this on purpose so I have time to think about missing out on the sweet offer I passed up on. Finally get to the next person who's supposed to finalize my cancelation. Now at this point I've given up on ever seeing the free iPad I was supposed to get when I signed up but to fuck with them I ask about it. Of course he tries to sweeten the deal. 2 months free plus 3 years of $20/mo locked in with no contract. "and that way you can still get that free iPad" I really don't need or want an iPad but I mean that IS a sweet deal. Here's the thing tho; if this company would just have a decent fair price that didn't go up every year for no reason and just like, not be a shitty, lying, piece of shit company then maybe people wouldn't be immediately jumping onto the first legitimate competitor they've had in over a decade here. He signed off the call by trying to sell me their cellular phone service. Yea, no. Fuck off, Optimum. Here's to Vero hopefully not turning into a shitty, greedy fuckjob of a company. Who am I kidding, this is Trump's America.