Jan 31, 2015

By asking me for something , you're basically asking me to Google it for you.  I swear people don't realize the smartphone in their pockets is for other things than texts, snapchat and candy crush.  

Another thing that bugs me is when the above happens and they say that the $600 state-of-the-art smartphone has no data available.  Way to go chief!

Congrats on being useless and helpless.

Jan 29, 2015

Dreams from last night

I  had a dream that I flew over seas, Europe or Israel.  But my bags were switched with a priest's. Once I got there everything went wrong.  It was very frustrating.  Then some people I was with wanted to visit a synagogue.  I try to enter but the hallway has many turns and starts to get smaller and more colorful like a kids fun house.  I have to back out and when I ask the lady at the door if there's any other entrance "one that is normal adult sized" she keeps saying no and points to the door I just came back out of.  My friends are inside, I'm already pissed from the day before and I don't have my luggage.  This fun house entrance situation is twilight zone status.  I storm out of there angry, swearing and flipping the synagogue off.  With both hands waiving.  Cussing and yelling at it and cursing the country I was in.  Then I realize that all this time, all of my angry outbursts toward a Jewish house of worship whilst wearing the priest clothes, dressed like a fucking priest.

Then I had another dream where all the toilets were clogged and the sinks were backing up in my house.  Because my forgetful grandma kept flushing stuff down the toilet. 

Jan 23, 2015

Nugget Pieces

I was leaving work for lunch and some idiot pulls up to the light on the wrong side of the road.  I leave space for him to move over but he never does and the light sensor never gets triggered.  Now a line of cars is piling up behind me and oddly enough, behind the guy in the wrong lane.  The left turn light from the cross street turns green and people have to loop around the line of cars to get in.  It's a total cluster fuck.  After the light cycles through twice I give up and pull forward so my light finally changes.

After all of that my lunch break is half over so I only have time for McDonalds. I go inside because the drive through is backed up. I notice while I'm in line I see an old lady with a ten piece chicken nuggets. I found it odd that the box in front of her was full of mostly eaten nuggets.  Like she ate each one until there was a bite left and put it back in the box.  Then I saw her leaving. Box in hand.  Old people are weird.

When I got back from lunch the parking lot was full of people who drove like it was "free drive without a license day"  total chaos.  People walking in front of moving cars, people backing out of spaces without looking.  Just complete retard sandwiches for lunch.

I can't shake that little box of Nugget bits in that box tho.  So weird.

Teach Me How To Pee

My friends and I like to joke around and not dry our hands after washing them following a piss. Then we wipe our wet hands on eachothers face and say "Teach me how to pee" We're idiots.  But that's not what this post is about.  I work at a place with a public bathroom. It has 3 urinals and 3 toilet stalls in the men's room.  For a while now I've been noticing a puddle of liquid, presumably piss, on the floor just in front of the 1st urinal. The first one is the most used, but sometimes there's pooling near the 3rd one. The lack of traffic in the second one of course is due to the no middle urinal rule.

If there's 3 open urinals, don't pick the middle one because if someone comes in, you'll be pissing right next to them. Distance from a stranger's penis, especially one with pee coming out of it is paramount and preferred.  Sometimes I've been in the bathroom and have seen several men who must have been raised in a cave, or a Mormon or something because they go straight to the center urinal. Sometimes even if I'm in #1 they will park right up next to me when #3 is open. DUDE WTF, the rule man, did you grow up with no dad and 4 sisters?  More about Urinal Etiquette here: a-quick-guide-to-urinal-etiquette 

As I was saying, the puddles of mystery liquid on the floor.  We have several elderly customers that may have problems with flow or aim that could help explain this. But one day it looked like someone literally stood 2 feet too far away and just pissed with reckless oblivion. Some people are short and have a hard time reaching our clearly non ADA certified urinals. There's this one short guy I saw in there who had to stand 3 feet away and aim upwards so the stream made it onto the porcelain.  It was pretty funny/sad to see. Use the toilets man. My old boss was a height challenged man and he always used to toilets to pee.  There's also the unsavory street people and drunkards that come into the store...usually for the free coffee.  A coworker saw a guy once standing in the middle of the bathroom aimed somewhat towards the urinal but wobbling back and forth barely able to stand from being so fucked up.  Piss everywhere!  This guy was just pissing everywhere. So that could explain a lot.

Actual toilet from yesterday.
It's rare that I use the toilets because I don't like to shit at work if I can help it. But yesterday I couldn't help it.  Something was a bit off with my sandwich I had for lunch and my guts wanted it the fuck out. I run to the bathroom and notice that it's full of customers and one of my managers. Usually I'd hold it and wait for a more discreet time to blow ass but this was happening. I did my business of shitting liquid diarrhea out of my butt hole, then went back to work.  About 2 hours later it started rumbling again so I went back.  This time it was pretty empty, one person in toilet #1, I like #2 and #3 is supposed to be for handicapped people. It's roomy but the way it's positioned to the entrance and sink, combined with the oversized gaps around the stall doors makes it not ideal. The gaps are so big when I walk into the bathroom without even trying you can see dude's bare laps and knees.  According to aussiejoyslife.com apparently it's an American thing, toilet stalls abroad are much more private.  America, just one more thing we suck at. Because of this unfortunate fact I prefer #2.   Despite having a next door neighbor I went for my preferred stall.

I open the door and see that someone has sprinkler toy'd all over the seat. Do they still even make those things? Sprinkler Toys...  I remember in the 80's and early 90's they were all the rage.  Those and slip n' slides. I guess the drought has really put a damper on summer fun.  Back to the toilet seat situation, there's getting piss on the seat and there's GETTING PISS ON THE SEAT.  This looks like someone who had once had their dick chopped off at the base years ago and never got it re-attached spraying pee all over the seat, the tank and the floor. What the holy fuck?  Age, height and level of intoxication are definitely factors and/or excuses for pissing all over the floor, but damn, for the sake of every other man who might have to take a shit today, lift the goddamned seat. There's nothing unmanly or gay or feminine or pussy-whipped about lifting the fucking seat before you piss all over it.  There's no level of toilet paper, or seat covers that is going to protect anyone from that.   I guess I'm using #3.

About toilets tho, I think if it's a unisex bathroom, since most public toilets don't have a lid, the seat should always be left up. It just makes more sense.  If you need the seat, put it down and use it and put it up when you're done.  It's less likely to collect dust, dirt or pee from some unaware man. The thing that often never gets talked about is that men use the seat to, when they poop.  They ddon'tlike pissed on seats either but when it's left down the likelihood of it getting pissed on is way greater. Since it's a public place and all kinds of people are using it, this will never happen.  Get used to pissy shitty gonorrhea covered toilet seats.
 Related Noggin: Recent Observation of Some Public Bathrooms

In a private household situation most toilets have a lid.  The lid is the most under-rated item on a toilet. We have pets so it's usually down anyway but besides keeping animals out of it,  it's the most fair solution to most male/female arguments about the toilet.  EVERYONE puts the lid, not the seat, the whole lid down when you are finished. No woman will ever accidently get stuck into a cold porcelain unseated toilet hole. There's a lid, lift it.  Men, you can't just whip it out and start spraying all over a toilet seat. There's a lid you have to lift. Might as well lift the seat too right?  it's still all one motion.  But put the lid back down when you're done. They should make the toilets not flush unless the lid is down to ensure this practice is followed.

There's also this...
Have a great weekend. Happy peeing!  And remember: always wash your hands.

Jan 20, 2015

Overzealous Subway Worker (classic fast food rant)

Fucking overzealous Subway worker. Stop trying to sell me on shit. Before I even order he informs me of how good the honey oat and italian cheese breads are. Neither of which I want. Then I order my hot pastrami on italian bread and tell him what kind of cheese- he instantly opens the oven while saying "one pastrami-toasted" would you like onions or peppers toasted on there? It's really good!
what about jalapenos?
when you toast them it takes off the hotness are you sure?
 I dont even bother to tell him I didn't want it toasted in the first place.  Then he pulls it from the oven and asks what I want. This is common at Subway because it's how they do it, but I say Mustard, pickles, lettuce and pepperoncini.  He completely ignores that I said mustard because that's last according to them. I like the mustard ON THE BREAD first, which is why I didn't want it toasted. But this guy is so eager to get me out the door. I dont know why because there was no one else there.  So then he puts the pickles and peppers and lettuce then grabs the mayo and is about to squeeze it on as he asks "was there anything else?" YES YOU FUCKHEAD.. and it's NOT,  never was and never will be mayo.  I said it first if you had your head out of your ass you would have heard me say Mustard. Because normal people put the condiments on first.  "woah my bad ok mustard" then he drizzles like two little splatter lines on top of the lettuce looks up at my dissatisfied face and says "little more?"  YES.  ugg. Then he asks if I want any salt and pepper, I say no that's it so as he's wrapping my sandwich up he informs me they have oil and vinegar and that it's really good. Oh as I'm paying he informs me they also have deli mustard.  Good for you. 

Look you fucker I know what you have, I've been to a Subway before. I'm sure many people in this town have. There's 6 god damn Subways within a 2 mile radius here. 
I specifically didn't ask for oil and vinegar, or honey oat bread, or onions or deli mustard because I didn't  want it. Shut the fuck up and give me what I asked for. Oh and why the fuck was the mayo tube even in your hand?... I never once said mayo  you dipshit.

Why do I even?

Theory of Edge of Tomorrow

I just saw the movie Edge of Tomorrow/Live, Die, Repeat and have some ideas about the ending.

I know this was a book and the end is way different and complicated in the book which makes the movie more of a "super happy hollywood" ending.  But I think how it ends leads to more questions which to me makes it less happy and more of a what the fuck ending.

 Forgetting the book completely here because you kind of have too. When they get to the Louvre the Mimics are already there waiting for them. Just like on the beach. The first thing I thought was that someone in fact did get killed by an Alpha which was resetting the day for someone in their party.  In one theory I have it was in fact a member of that party which we never know resetting the scenario. In another timeline theres someone from that troop which reset that scenario living it over and over and goes through the same loop and discovery of info that Cage did, eventually finding Cage and Rita getting all the info etc. But this time they know where the Omega is ahead of time.  Since he's no longer affected Cage is still in that same day timeline with all the memories of the prior times. Just like Rita was when he finds her.  So Cage and Rita still pretty much think it's the same day, the same timeline they were in. By the time we see them, for the unknown looper they've probably done it several times and know what's going to happen. But this time they don't go see Cage and Rita, they just know what they have to do and maybe even that if Cage and Rita don't know, it works out better because they stick to the plan they came up with from Cage's loops.  Maybe one of the two guys who sacrifice themselves and blow up the tanker as a diversion know that if they die, even tho they will loop into a new timeline, in this particular timeline, Cage will go on to kill the omega. Because of how time travel works, each time line keeps going. So there are 1000's of time lines where the unknown guy dies and the Mimics win. But all humanity needed was one where they win.  One timeline where the humans win and all is good.  There's probably tons of holes in this, but it's based on a movie with holes so...  As you well know from my previous writings, time travel is a pain in the ass to write correctly.  My theory is weak because it relies on the idea that the omega from this one timeline can have an effect on all time lines. For that I apologize.

When Cage wakes up in the helicopter it's earlier, because he got the omega goop on him at night instead of in the morning. It was able to reset him but since he killed the omega this will be his last reset.  The timeline he wakes up in, if I remember correctly they didn't say someone killed the omega, just that suddenly they all got weak. They central brain of the hive wasn't there to help them cause resets and know the future.  So they were just sitting ducks without their main weapon.

And since it's supposed to be the "happy" ending Cage and Rita still have never met. he's met her but she doesn't know him. But that's not to say he will woo her with his story and knowledge of the Mimics and they will fall in love and have 1000 babies.

Jan 14, 2015

Bowling is Getting it All Wrong

I'm not in any way a bowling expert or aficionado but like most people in the western world, I enjoy some bowling now and again.  Not so much any more because my wrists are all screwed up from playing drums, using a computer and skateboarding over the years, but on occasion I like to meet friends at the stinky old bowling alley and pretend that I'm halfway okay at it.  But every time I go I'm always thinking about the scoring system. How once you reach a certain skill level it's all wrong.

If you fight your way down the field and score a touchdown you get 6 whole points.  But if you fail at reaching that goal and kick a field goal you only get 3.  It's incentive to cross the goal line rather than kick it.  If you make a basket closer to the hoop you get 2 points, but if you are farther away and make it they give you an extra point.  Most games are set up this way and too an extent so is bowling but after a while the strike and spare point system stops making sense.  Let me explain.

Say you're a professional or expert bowler. This means that just about every throw you make is going to be a strike.  That's what you're supposed to do, throw strikes for 10 points and so on ending in a perfect game.

perfect game is the highest score possible in a game of bowling, achieved by rolling a strike during every frame.[1] In bowling games that use 10 pins, such as ten-pin bowlingcandlepin bowling, and duckpin bowling, the highest possible score is 300, achieved by bowling 12 strikes in a row in a single game: one strike in each of the first nine frames, and three more in the tenth frame. Because a strike counts as ten pins plus any pinfall in the next two balls, 30 points are possible in a given frame.

The other way to score is with a spare. A spare, no matter how difficult is still only counted by the amount of pins knocked down which is a maximum of 10.

Scores can be greater than the actual number of pins knocked over if strikes or spares are bowled. A "strike" is scored when a player knocks down all pins on the first roll in the frame. Rather than a score of 10 for the frame, the player's score will be 10 plus the total pins knocked down on the next two rolls in the next frame(s). A "spare" is scored when all pins are knocked down using both rolls in the frame. The player's score for that frame will be 10 plus the number of pins knocked down on the first roll in the next frame. A player who rolls a spare or strike in the last frame is given one or two more rolls to score additional points, respectively.

One of the most infamous of splits is the 7–10 split 
And that's basically it. Roll your ball and count the pins essentially.  There are pro's who can curve the ball and make crazy 7-10 splits and do all kind of wizardry with a bowling ball.  The way the game is set up, if you make one of these incredible shots, you'll get high-fives from the team, but there's really no numerical reward for it.  If you are truly skilled you will never leave any pins up. There are plenty of times in professional bowling where pins are left and spares are made but it's seen as a mistake and you ultimately are scored lower for it.  
More about the 7-10 split here. 

I propose a new version of the game. You would use the same 10 pins but you would be scored higher for more difficult split and spare combinations. The challenge would be for the player to intentionally knock down only the middle pins setting up a high scoring opportunity to get the split or single pin left over.  I think you would get points for the set up and the knockdown. For example; you knock down the 8 middle pins, you would get points (I haven't figured out how many points yet).  If you get the split you would get the setup plus a spare bonus (adding the score from the next 2 frames plus points from an incremental point system based on the difficulty of the spare) and the 10 pin points. So there's still incentive to get all ten in two throws but getting a strike would still only be 10 points and you wouldn't get the points added from the next frames. 

This of course isn't discrediting the current way to play. It's perfectly challenging and fun for the average player, but once you get to be a ninja bowler, I would imagine it would get kind of boring to play and especially watch as a spectator.  Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm not and this is a good idea and could be implemented in other sports too.  Imagine if you got 4 points for a longer (more difficult) field goal kick?  Tell me I'm not the only one who's thought about this. 

 In conclusion, I just wrote an entire blog post about fucking bowling. 

Tipping Re-Revisited: Why Tipping Should Be Banned

I've written here about tipping at restaurants before so most of you should know my stance on the matter. If you missed it you can read my ramblings here. Kirknoggins on Tipping

I came across this video today and it pretty much hits the nail on the head. Adds humor to what I've already said and gives a little actual history and knowledge on why we even do this shit in the first place.

Jan 5, 2015

A Month of Images

Wait for it.....  Here's a giant dump of pics from my phone from the last month.  Happy Holidays.
My Monday is my Friday, so Photo Friday, there you have it. 

Lego Man buried up to his arm in a shallow grave. #everythingisawesom

 New Painting.

 Happy New Year. 

Got my old drums back. My first real drumset.

Road Trip back to the bay area.  

New Hat! 

How the teenager brushes her teeth.  ugg. 

God Scat?  

Can't escape work even on vacation 5 hours away.  


 Company Christmas Party Selfies

lolly tamale.

The best fast food burger ever                              Hipster Santa                                  Franklin.

Redneck Christmas Parade in Eureka. 

 December Arcata Arts Alive

New Artwork.