Jan 23, 2015

Teach Me How To Pee

My friends and I like to joke around and not dry our hands after washing them following a piss. Then we wipe our wet hands on eachothers face and say "Teach me how to pee" We're idiots.  But that's not what this post is about.  I work at a place with a public bathroom. It has 3 urinals and 3 toilet stalls in the men's room.  For a while now I've been noticing a puddle of liquid, presumably piss, on the floor just in front of the 1st urinal. The first one is the most used, but sometimes there's pooling near the 3rd one. The lack of traffic in the second one of course is due to the no middle urinal rule.

If there's 3 open urinals, don't pick the middle one because if someone comes in, you'll be pissing right next to them. Distance from a stranger's penis, especially one with pee coming out of it is paramount and preferred.  Sometimes I've been in the bathroom and have seen several men who must have been raised in a cave, or a Mormon or something because they go straight to the center urinal. Sometimes even if I'm in #1 they will park right up next to me when #3 is open. DUDE WTF, the rule man, did you grow up with no dad and 4 sisters?  More about Urinal Etiquette here: a-quick-guide-to-urinal-etiquette 

As I was saying, the puddles of mystery liquid on the floor.  We have several elderly customers that may have problems with flow or aim that could help explain this. But one day it looked like someone literally stood 2 feet too far away and just pissed with reckless oblivion. Some people are short and have a hard time reaching our clearly non ADA certified urinals. There's this one short guy I saw in there who had to stand 3 feet away and aim upwards so the stream made it onto the porcelain.  It was pretty funny/sad to see. Use the toilets man. My old boss was a height challenged man and he always used to toilets to pee.  There's also the unsavory street people and drunkards that come into the store...usually for the free coffee.  A coworker saw a guy once standing in the middle of the bathroom aimed somewhat towards the urinal but wobbling back and forth barely able to stand from being so fucked up.  Piss everywhere!  This guy was just pissing everywhere. So that could explain a lot.

Actual toilet from yesterday.
It's rare that I use the toilets because I don't like to shit at work if I can help it. But yesterday I couldn't help it.  Something was a bit off with my sandwich I had for lunch and my guts wanted it the fuck out. I run to the bathroom and notice that it's full of customers and one of my managers. Usually I'd hold it and wait for a more discreet time to blow ass but this was happening. I did my business of shitting liquid diarrhea out of my butt hole, then went back to work.  About 2 hours later it started rumbling again so I went back.  This time it was pretty empty, one person in toilet #1, I like #2 and #3 is supposed to be for handicapped people. It's roomy but the way it's positioned to the entrance and sink, combined with the oversized gaps around the stall doors makes it not ideal. The gaps are so big when I walk into the bathroom without even trying you can see dude's bare laps and knees.  According to aussiejoyslife.com apparently it's an American thing, toilet stalls abroad are much more private.  America, just one more thing we suck at. Because of this unfortunate fact I prefer #2.   Despite having a next door neighbor I went for my preferred stall.

I open the door and see that someone has sprinkler toy'd all over the seat. Do they still even make those things? Sprinkler Toys...  I remember in the 80's and early 90's they were all the rage.  Those and slip n' slides. I guess the drought has really put a damper on summer fun.  Back to the toilet seat situation, there's getting piss on the seat and there's GETTING PISS ON THE SEAT.  This looks like someone who had once had their dick chopped off at the base years ago and never got it re-attached spraying pee all over the seat, the tank and the floor. What the holy fuck?  Age, height and level of intoxication are definitely factors and/or excuses for pissing all over the floor, but damn, for the sake of every other man who might have to take a shit today, lift the goddamned seat. There's nothing unmanly or gay or feminine or pussy-whipped about lifting the fucking seat before you piss all over it.  There's no level of toilet paper, or seat covers that is going to protect anyone from that.   I guess I'm using #3.

About toilets tho, I think if it's a unisex bathroom, since most public toilets don't have a lid, the seat should always be left up. It just makes more sense.  If you need the seat, put it down and use it and put it up when you're done.  It's less likely to collect dust, dirt or pee from some unaware man. The thing that often never gets talked about is that men use the seat to, when they poop.  They ddon'tlike pissed on seats either but when it's left down the likelihood of it getting pissed on is way greater. Since it's a public place and all kinds of people are using it, this will never happen.  Get used to pissy shitty gonorrhea covered toilet seats.
 Related Noggin: Recent Observation of Some Public Bathrooms

In a private household situation most toilets have a lid.  The lid is the most under-rated item on a toilet. We have pets so it's usually down anyway but besides keeping animals out of it,  it's the most fair solution to most male/female arguments about the toilet.  EVERYONE puts the lid, not the seat, the whole lid down when you are finished. No woman will ever accidently get stuck into a cold porcelain unseated toilet hole. There's a lid, lift it.  Men, you can't just whip it out and start spraying all over a toilet seat. There's a lid you have to lift. Might as well lift the seat too right?  it's still all one motion.  But put the lid back down when you're done. They should make the toilets not flush unless the lid is down to ensure this practice is followed.

There's also this...
Have a great weekend. Happy peeing!  And remember: always wash your hands.

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