Dec 29, 2015

Hover Board My Ass

First of all they don't hover and they are not a board so knock that shit off right now.  Second- they're starting to ban these and stop selling them because uncoordinated idiots with no balance or any business using a piece of equipment like this are getting their asses handed to them. 

Hey ban them because the trend has created a demand that has resulted in cheaply made batteries and electronics that explode and catch on fire.  That's why they need to be regulated, not because people who would never even consider getting on a skateboard are falling off of these.  It's not the toy's fault, it's the operator. 

For fuck's sake.

Oct 15, 2015

Haliwax for Halloween

I was looking for a new font to use as a system font on my phone and started with some of the fonts I made myself.. As it turns out my font Haliwax gives my phone the perfect creepy Halloween vibe.

Download Haliwax at

Im not sure this will work for all phones or iphones. I have a Samsung Galaxy Note 4.
I use an app called ifont to change fonts. 

Sep 26, 2015

Dog Park 101

file footage from a few months ago. 
I'm at the dog park tonight with Bruce and there's only a few other dogs there.  Then this old lady comes into the big dog area with a tiny little Yorkie or something.  First I'm worried that her dog is going to get eaten by Bruce or another dog... but then this lady sits down on a bench in the dog park and pulls out a cheeseburger.  Dog Park 101 lady, don't bring food into the park. Unless you want to get tackled for your burger. The whole time I'm being extra cautious of Bruce to make sure he doesn't go near where she is, because he'll snatch that shit up in a second.  I once saw a woman bring a burrito into a dog park we used to go to back home.  She was overwhelmed with 10 hungry/curious dogs and almost got knocked over. She kept backing away not grasping the reality of the situation.  People started yelling "NO FOOD IN THE PARK.. GET OUT OF HERE WITH THAT BURRITO!!!"  She's lucky she didn't get hurt as well.  Fucking idiots. Dogs are unpredictable animals.  Especially ones you don't know. On this same note, don't bring your baby or small child to the dog park.

Bruce squats near the edge of the fence by the water faucet but doesn't really poop anything out worthy of picking up. I couldn't even see it. It soaked into the loose straw they put out to absorb the mud around the water bowls.  I let him run around a minute or two more and he acts like he wants to go.

The lady is on the bench next to the gate to the park and as I get close to her she pipes up and says "you know your dog pooped in the straw but you didn't pick it up"   WTF? I'm thinking to myself. This fucking bitch is going to try to school me on Dog Park Etiquette while she eats a juicy cheeseburger around a bunch of strange dogs?  OH HELL NO!  I told her it was a false poop and nothing came out to pick up... she kept trying to dog-par-guilt me into going back but Bruce had his leash on and was ready.  Fuck that bitch. She's lucky there wasn't a bigger dog with less self control and a less observant owner.  I wanted to call her out on the burger but we gotta pick our battles. Why are people so shitty?

Sep 22, 2015

The Best Cup of Coffee I've Ever Had.

The store where I work, Pierson's Building Center has a small cafe/bakery annex located inside the main store. It's one of I think five Ramone's Bakery and Cafe locations in the area. A couple things to note:  Piersons provides free coffee to it's customers and employees. The other thing to remember is that I am an employee of Piersons.  Just to be clear, this isn't Premium Ramones Cafe coffee they're giving away. It's whatever is good-enough-to-drink yet, give-away-free kind of coffee.  This is what I usually drink because I'm a cheapskate and it gets me through the day.  Now onto my story about the most perfect cup of coffee I've ever had. 

It was fall 2002 if my memory serves me. My band was on tour on the East Coast. We had just played the previous night in Atlantic City making our way back to Worcester Massachusetts.  It was an overcast morning traveling on the New Jersey Turnpike.  
example of a toll road service plaza oasis. 

Now, what most people living on the West Coast dont know is that all over New England are toll roads. And being that every time you exit you have to pay a toll, they've set up these convenient highway oases (oasises?) that you can enter from either direction without paying to exit the road. These usually consist of a large gas station, one for each direction of traffic exiting and a bunch of fast food and mini-marts all under one roof. KInd of like if a truck stop and a shopping mall food court had a baby.   Since it was morning we went for the Burger King but to our disappointment this wasnt an actual Burger King. It was a truck stop express BK with premade food under a lamp with no employees. Being that it was nearly 11:30am. There were only a couple stale breakfast sandwiches left.  So we turned around and saw a Dunkin Donuts.  Being from the San Francisco bay area, we'd never really experienced Dunkin Donuts or knew what it had to offer. I ordered a maple old fashioned donut and some kind of breakfast sandwich I think... and a coffee.   The nice lady working there asked if I wanted cream and sugar.  I said yes expecting to get a couple packets of sugar and maybe a powdered creamer packet, but to my surprise she just handed me a lidded to-go cup of coffee.  I asked about the accoutrements and she just nodded and said "its in there"  In my head I was like "WHAaaaaatt?!!!!!!!!!!!"  How do they know how I like it?  I'm very particular about my cream and sugar levels... she never asked me.  I was VERY sceptical. Then... I took a sip.  Temperature, perfect.  Coffee flavor, perfect. Cream level, perfect.  Sugar level, PERFECT.  OH MY GOD. I couldn't believe it how did she do this?   I made sure to tell the woman how perfect it was. I was very excited and probably freaked her out a little. People can be a little more surly in the Garden State. I will never forget that cup of coffee.  I've had coffee from Dunkin Donuts since but it was never as serendipitous as the Turnpike Dunkins.   A few years ago they started selling the coffee beans at the grocery store and everyone was hyping how good it was.  It wasn't that good. 

Which leads me to the Ramones in Piersons Building Center.   I've on occasion purchased a latte or mocha but in the nearly 3 years working there I've never purchased a regular coffee from Ramones. That is, until yesterday.  It was medium roast.  I added my own cream & sugar but damned if it didn't take me back to that foggy morning on the turnpike.  

Kudo's Ramones. This is the second best. maybe third.. no I'll have to say definitely in the top 5 cups of coffee I've ever had.

Sep 13, 2015

I think I just saw an Alien

I think I just saw an alien.  Not a UFO or a slimy mutant.  But the kind of alien, like the aliens in disguise like in the Men In Black movies.  They look just like humans but do weird shit that humans don't usually do. 
There was some commotion, a sound of crinkling plastic wrappers and sort of grunting coming from the back of the gas station mini mart while I was picking out something to drink.  Then a guy emerged from the scuffle. He was old, smallish build, kinda unkempt, needed a shave.  His messy salty hair covered his face but revealing thick rimmed glasses like you get at Walgreens.
Nothing that outright screamed alien, except he was carrying a stack, two hands holding probably every prepackaged microwave hamburger in the food cooler.  Which is weird but not alien status.  What made me certain that he was not from this world was when he started microwaving them all in the store. 
Who the fuck eats 8 gas station hamburgers at once... Inside the gas station?
That dude was a fucking alien. 

Sep 6, 2015

Fountain Coke?

Am I wrong here? It irritates me when places don't have a soda fountain for soft drinks but have soda in cans.  If they're up front about it I can make my decision to get iced tea because I'm going to want the free refills.  And don't get me started on places with no refills. 

So when I'm looking directly at a soda fountain, studying the selections when I ask for Coke and you bring me a can with a glass of ice and you never thought to mention this when I was ordering am I allowed to be pissed?

I would have fucking ordered tea.

Jul 22, 2015

Hey You Kids, Get Off My Lawn!!!

I literally had the opportunity to be that guy but resisted in the sake of being cool.  I come outside to drive to the store and there's a small group, maybe three or four young people.  Nice enough little girls, probably 12 or so laying down in the corner of our grass in the miniscule shade from our tree, sipping on Frappuccinos or something and giggling while they look at their iphones.   Apparently that's what kids do these days.  I decided to be cool and not yell at them. I just nodded to make my presence known and let them continue to be dumb kids.

When I get back the kids are gone, but they left a pile of trash behind.  As I park I see Frappuccino cups blowing around my yard and the sidewalk. Sticky green Starbucks straws rolling up my driveway and stuck in the blades of dried, drought stricken lawn. Even the cardboard drink carrier upside down at the epicenter of the debris.   I also would like to point out that today was garbage pickup day and no more than 5 feet from where they were casually trespassing was a line of empty trash cans they could have disposed of their waste.

What the fuck is wrong with stupid ass fucking kids?  Does this make me the grumpy old man on the street?  I mean, I tried to be cool and not shoo them away and this is the respect I get in return? I get a "fuck you and your free shade" from some ungrateful, rude, piece of shit mini-humans?  I wish I could follow them home and let their piece of shit parents know what the fuck is up.

God damn this generation of fuck-offs that we have to depend on for the future.  THIS... THIS is why the old grumpy guy tells you to get off his lawn. Because you have no respect for anyone else's property other than your own... and since you probably will never work or earn anything that is truly yours, you'll just be a shit head with shitty things fucking off and not giving a shit for the rest of your life.

I hope they all die in a school bus fire. That might have been a little too harsh.... but was it? Fuck those fucking kids.

Jun 29, 2015

Whyward Pines?

The more I watch Wayward Pines I'm starting to feel like everything they say actually is true. Just like they said it would be.  The idea that it's the "anti-Lost" and that they do give answers is initially refreshing and welcome but there's part of me that wants more mystery. Lost was nothing but mystery and it had us hooked. I guess there's some comfort knowing they aren't going to string us along and leave us high and dry like Lost did. 

After the last couple episodes of Wayward Pines I feel like the mystery is over. Up until now it was fun theorizing about where they were, why there was time differences, what the creatures are and so on.  But now, as promised they've given answers.  I feel like I've figured it all out  already. It all makes total sense. Everything adds up. Everything I was trying to figure out in my head has been satisfyingly answered for me.  Unfortunately I feel like now the rest of the show will just be all character driven drama which really isn't enough to keep my interest. I hope in the next couple episodes they throw some curveballs or I might stop watching. 
Lost held my attention because it was a (literally) never ending mystery. Trying to guess the answers to all the crazy unknowns was why I kept watching. I feel like that all just went out the window with Wayward Pines.  I hope that since M. Knight is involved we'll get a nice treat at the end. 

Jun 18, 2015

Almost Everything's New at Burger King

Remember the Burger King I posted about a while back that was still sucking while they were getting all the business while  the McDonalds next door was closed while it was getting remodeled? Well I guess they decided that it wasn't the shitty customer service that was taking away business. They decided to hop on the bandwagon and do a facelift as well. But I think they also kept the inept managers and hired a bunch of new pimply faced tweenysomethings that don't know shit.  It seems like every single employee's first day on the job at this Burger King right now. It's a complete clusterfuck.  They accidently gave my order to the guy before me and the lady had to run out to his car to give him the right one. Then they completely forget and skip my number. Finally the manager comes by and says "who's burger is this?"  it ended up being mine. They gave me extra onion rings to smooth it out.

Also, they have one of those new menus that's several big flat-screen monitors. One of them looks like Barry Bonds fouled one off on it. It's been like that for a while. But even after a recent full indoor and outdoor corporate remodel of the place, the menu screen is still broken. Priorities I guess. It's like the Applebee's here that got all new signs but they didn't repaint over where the old bigger signs were.

I cant say for sure or not but I can't blame the major food conglomerates for fucking up details like that. I think it's either lack of communication from the local franchise or that the morons that run the place don't notice or care.

You never see McDonalds or Taco Bell fucking shit up. And the Wendy's here nailed it. Their new restaurant is perfect.

May 26, 2015

We Watched Interstellar....

We watched Interstellar last night.  I couldn't help but say things like "Alright Alright Alright, we're gonna take this spaceship to another planet..."  In my best Matthew Mcconaughey voice as I was putting the DVD in.

I thought it was good.  I'm not a scientist so I couldn't say whether the science was bad or not but most of it pretty much made sense to me the way it was presented except for a couple little things.


When they realized that because of the time difference that the doctor on the water planet had probably just crashed when they got there I thought that they should have been something they took into account before they wasted the fuel/time to go there. also, why were a handful of planets next to a black hole ever even considered viable homeworlds?

And when you come in for a landing and crash into ice clouds and see nothing but tundra I figure it's a safe bet to count your losses and head for the other planet.  Sorry crazy Matt Damon. Also, you think there would be the technology to communicate somehow with the base camp before they land. Initiate the deep sleep wake up  routine remotely, then have open comms with the doctor and even be able to upload research data.  without even landing. Or even leaving orbit.  They're sending video messages through a fucking wormhole from earth still but they have to land in an unknown environment and physically find the doctors?  They should have set up an unmanned orbiter that they could have been beamind the research data to in real time. Then beam that out so it can be received as soon as they come through the wormhole
.  Seems like the data they DID get was minimal and useless if they actually had to physically go there just to see what's up.  

Also... wheat died out but they're kicking back drinking beers. There's a plague but trees line main st. It didn't seem that dire.

Also, while he's sending the data on interdimensional gravity manipulation via dots and dashes, which, and again, I'm no physicist,  would probably fill 5000 notebooks and take a a million hours to transcribe he could have included "Hey Murph, this is your dad.." somewhere in there.

Basically, Plan B works, she goes to the other planet, sets up a baby factory and the human race flourishes on the new planet who I assume studied the black hole that is nearby for many years and figure out how to manipulate gravity and created the wormhole... which made their own existence possible in the first place? I think I just found a time travel paradox...DAMNIT!  I know it's not real time travel but it kind of is since he's communicating with his daughter in the past. Time travel never works!

But otherwise I thought it was entertaining.

May 13, 2015

Dont Sample the Whistle Key Chains

Retail Adventures

As I come around to the main aisle following a trail of spilled coffee and I see a middle aged Latino or Native American man of short stature at the reading glasses display. I'd noticed him before wandering around other parts of the store, not really looking like he was shopping for anything in particular.  Along with his height I notice his hair is messy, his basketball shorts and wifebeater tank top are ripped and dirty. He's also wearing a bomber jacket that looks like it's been crumpled up on the floorboard of a car for a week.  Usually when someone like this, unkempt, shifty, aimless, is in the store they get a second glance. It's probably profiling but usually hunches turn out to be right and they end up stealing something.  Having free coffee tends to attract more of these people than we'd like, but it's a nice thing to offer our customers. 

He's got on a pair of reading glasses and on his tippy-toes trying to stand high enough to see himself in the little mirrors provided by the store for customers to see how different glasses look.  They are set about chest high on an average height person, and they are adjustable but he insisted on balancing on his toes to see his reflection while holding a dixie cup of coffee, spilling most of it out on the floor in front of him, and all over himself.  He notices me and looks up with a wide, stupid, toothless grin and giant bug-eyes from the magnifying reading lenses and says "Hawdo I look?!" I paused for a second to think to myself 'like a scumbag moron' and said outloud in my friendly customer service voice "makes you look smarter"  because that's what people say when you try on glasses right?

I left him to his spectacle shopping and walked away but kept an eye on him as he continued through the store.  He still had the glasses in his hand but his other hand was hidden by his jacket sleeve and it looked like he was trying to conceal something in his shorts. His right hand was under his shirt as he walked around.  It was time for my lunch break so as I left, I asked another employee, we'll  call him Jason, who has sort of become our unofficial, self appointed theft prevention officer.  It's not his job, and isn't qualified for it and it takes away from his normal responsibilities so I probably shouldn't encourage him but he's into it. 

When I return from lunch I ask about the suspicious individual.  "So did he end up stealing anything"  Jason says something like "not that he saw but went on to tell me what happened"   Or unofficial security officer isn't very subtle when it comes to tracking potential shoplifters and many times they get the hint they are being watched and either just leave or confront the accusation.  This time the guy got a little antsy and said something like "hey man I ain't takin nothin, why you watchin me"  and at that point Jason mentions how he's been hiding something under his shirt.   The man then explains that he has a zit on his ass that he's been trying to pop. Jason was speechless.  This guy may or may not have been stealing but at that point he didn't care. He told him to go wash his hands.  He follows him to the bathroom and waits for him to exit.   The individual is taking his time, definitely more time that it takes to wash your hands.  Jason goes in to check on him and see's what can not be unseen.  The guy has his basketball shorts halfway down his legs, bent and twisted over in front of the mirror trying to pop the pimple on his butt with both hands.

"Oh come on man!"  Jason exclaimed and then tells him to pull up his pants and get out of the store.

The rest of the day all the employees are recalling him from earlier and taking mental notes of all the things he touched in the store with his dirty butt zitt hands.  As a general rule I do not recommend testing out the whistle key chains. Ever. I once saw an old homeless woman pick up one of every color and blow into them one at a time.  Add reading glasses and several other things to that list.  

May 10, 2015

Here's Where Your Stolen iPhone Ended Up.

Yesterday on my lunch break.
I've always seen the cash for phones machine at the mall but never really thought much about it because I don't have an iPhone and when I'm done with phones they have very little value. But yesterday I noticed that most of the time I see people using it, it's scumbags. Then I started thinking about it... ECOATM... So like, you put a phone in and get back cash instantly? How is this not a haven for phone thieves? Surely they must verify that the serial number matches the owner somehow right? Turns out no. Not really. 

A quick search landed me here.
Mugged for a phone that wound up in an ecoATM, on Baltimore Brew website

Here's an interesting excerpt
...There’s no way to determine the phone’s owner during the process. All ecoATM asks for is a valid id that resembles the person performing the transaction.
For that matter information about the phone that could help determine ownership is not captured during the sale. The seller doesn't have to prove that they can unlock the device, the device doesn’t even have to be powered on...
I wonder what the stats look like for phone theft in cities with and without EcoATM's?

May 5, 2015

What I've been watching on the internet

because you're dying to know. 


Comedian Louis CK TV show. 

All This Mayhem 
Documentary. Aussie Pro Skateboarder Papas brothers rise and fall in pro skateboarding. 

Halt and Catch Fire
AMC TV drama about an upstart in the mid 80s PC wars. 

Marvel's Daredevil
Netflix original series about a blind superhero Daredevil. 

Alex Winter (Bill from Bill & Ted) directed documentary about the rise and fall of the file trading website Napster. 

Atari: Game Over
Documentary follows the birth and the eventual death of pioneering home console developers Atari and the search for and myth around the "grave" of game cartriges buried in a landfill. 


There Will Be Quiet - The story of Judge.
VICE/NOISEY 4 part documentary chronicles the beginnings of Straightedge Hardcore band Judge with interviews leading up to a band reunion concert. 

One Man Metal
VICE/NOISEY in a 3 part documentary they track down and talk with illusive Black Metal solo artists.  

The Secret History of Cabbage Patch Kids
VICE talks to friends of the original creator of what would become Cabbage Patch dolls and how she was totally ripped off. 

Until The Light Takes Us
Documentary chronicles the history, ideology and aesthetic of Norwegian Black Metal - a musical subculture infamous as much for a series of murders and church burnings.

The Ingenious Design of the Aluminum Beverage Can
Quick video of exactly what you think it is. 

youtube channel of Micheal Stevens. 
pretty much every video by this dude. 

youtube channel of Marques Brownlee
reviews of tech with a focus on cellphones and tablets. 

Mar 10, 2015

Why I hate stuff on the internet #4,632

The internet is an amazing thing. 20 years ago, from the days of AOL chatting, I would never have imagined all it can do.  But as content begins to proliferate the world wide web, there are many things that just suck.  An example below of the 4,632nd thing that pisses me off on the internet.

As a suit in the music industry once told me...
"Dont bore us, get to the chorus"
Get to the fucking point man.

You see something interesting on Facebook. Your gut says "don't do it man" but you just gotta see this amazing catch. 
What's this shit? Oh ok baseball catch, so I'm on the right page but where's the fucking video? 

Definitely dont need this 5 paragraph fucking story explaining it. You had me at "amazing catch" TL;DR...scroll.....
FINALLY!  Let's see what this shit is all about now that i've jumped through hoops to see it. 

What the fuck man!?  You really love yourself dont you? 10 seconds of your stupid intro logo and music for a god damned 25 second clip... FUCK YOU!!! I WANNA SEE AMAZING CATCH!

It was pretty amazing. Almost looks fake. It probably is fake.  FUCK YOU INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feb 24, 2015

So. I got a new phone. But...

I wanted to go to Costco to get a new phone because they have the best deals but not always the best choices in phones. I opted for the Ballistic Nylon 32gb Droid Turbo.  It comes in red or black metallic Kevlar and a Ballistic Nylon 64gb version but none of these are available at Costco.  My other choices were the Samsung Galaxys5 or Note4.  Initially I wanted the LGG3 but since it's Costco they stopped carrying it a week before I got there.  The Note4 was tempting but I really don't care for Samsung's Touchwiz user interface.

I've had the Turbo for just over a week. It's a beast on paper. The specs are out of control. The turbo charging and battery life are the best I've ever seen. Many of the Moto features built into this phone are really cool too but overall, this phone is not all that spectacular. First of all, and this is kind of nitpicky but,  I can't stand the ballistic nylon backing.  It catches on lint in my pocket and it's fraying around the edges. It feels weird on my fingers too. I can feel the fabric catching my dry rough fingertips. I know a case can fix this but it's a problem not mentioned much in the reviews of this phone.  It's been only days, I can't imagine how it would hold up after 2 years.

 I'm coming from a two year old Droid RazrM  and since the Turbo is essentially the same Motorola/KitKat operating system and user interface it's just like a bigger, more stable version of my old phone but with incredible battery life.  There's nothing necessarily wrong with this but I was hoping for the newest version of Android, Lollipop to have been updated on this already.  It's also kind of a bummer that since the Turbo doesn't have an SD memory card slot,  I couldn't just put my old SD card in and have all my stuff. I find that I'm worried about filling the internal 32gb with music and pictures. Also I've noticed the screen is really dim and hard to see in bright daylight outside. The camera is clearly better than I've had before but I don't really have an opinion on it since I'm not printing out hi-res photography or anything. So It's got me considering the Note4. It's on par specs wise and is the next best thing Costco has to offer.

But the rub is, as I mentioned before I hate hate hate hate hate Touchwiz. Thankfully I run Nova Prime Launcher on everything and it will virtually get rid of Touchwiz.  I also hate the buttons on Samsung. It's like Touchwiz is part of the fucking hardware. Thanks guys. This you cannot fix. Despite these downfalls, I think for what I use my phone for I might bite the bullet and trade in the Turbo for The note4.

Battery/Turbo Charge (Note4 has similar tech)
Active Display
Moto Voice Control
Front Speaker

Crappy Ballistic Nylon quality/feel
No SD card
As of mid/late Feb 2015 no sign of Lollipop.
No onscreen nav buttons
Bad screen brightness
No Lollipop

Quick Charge/Battery
Multi Window/Multitasking
Screen brightness
SD card
Giant screen
Samsung has loaded this with a ton of stuff which I may find useful

Being lumped in with mindless samsung sheeple.
Physical nav buttons
Iffy rear speaker
Back and recent apps buttons switched
Still no lollipop
Giant screen
Samsung has loaded this with a ton of stuff which will probably be useless to me and take up space.

I'm going to go take a closer look at the Note4 today and weigh my hatred of samsung against the features it offers me. Anyone with either phone feel free to chime in on your experiences.


Feb 6, 2015

What The Fuck SuddenLink?

I dont know what the fuck.  Maybe it's living up here behind the redwood curtain in bumfuck norcal
but I can't get good internet service for the life of me.  I had AT&T, paying for 3mbps down
which is the best they can offer me.  I was getting fairly consistently 2.5 - 2.8 which sucks donkey balls -- but is fair considering what they offer.  So for nearly the same price I finally pulled the trigger and switched to the ONLY other choice for internet around here, Suddenlink. I opted for the 15 mbps internet (the slowest they offer but hey 15 is like flying first class compared to what I had with
AT&T)  When the guy hooked it up I did a speed test and I was getting a shocking 17+ mbps.  I thought I hit the jackpot... Finally!  But every day since it's slowly gotten worse. 16, 12, 8, 5...  Right now 8 feet from an unrestricted wifi router I'm testing at around 2.5.  Seriously Suddenlink what the fuck?  Can you tell me what the fuck because I dont know what the fuck?

Is 11pm still considered peak hours?  Does cable internet get congested?

I'm kinda irritated.  I still cant get on-demand. I couldn't before because my connection was too slow. Now it's because the installer was too lazy to run a line under my house to hook it up near my DirecTV box.  I didn't think it would be a problem because DirecTV has a new Genie box that's wifi enabled and I knew I was eligible for an equipment upgrade but I called to upgrade and they say that my old Genie box is considered a "Genie" just like the new one they call a "Genie" so it's not an upgrade, so I can't get it.  But even then, with the shitty speeds I'm getting now I would still be seeing the "sorry your internet sucks too much to stream on-demand" message from my TV.

I hate companies.  Y U SO FUC ME OVR?

Jan 31, 2015

By asking me for something , you're basically asking me to Google it for you.  I swear people don't realize the smartphone in their pockets is for other things than texts, snapchat and candy crush.  

Another thing that bugs me is when the above happens and they say that the $600 state-of-the-art smartphone has no data available.  Way to go chief!

Congrats on being useless and helpless.

Jan 29, 2015

Dreams from last night

I  had a dream that I flew over seas, Europe or Israel.  But my bags were switched with a priest's. Once I got there everything went wrong.  It was very frustrating.  Then some people I was with wanted to visit a synagogue.  I try to enter but the hallway has many turns and starts to get smaller and more colorful like a kids fun house.  I have to back out and when I ask the lady at the door if there's any other entrance "one that is normal adult sized" she keeps saying no and points to the door I just came back out of.  My friends are inside, I'm already pissed from the day before and I don't have my luggage.  This fun house entrance situation is twilight zone status.  I storm out of there angry, swearing and flipping the synagogue off.  With both hands waiving.  Cussing and yelling at it and cursing the country I was in.  Then I realize that all this time, all of my angry outbursts toward a Jewish house of worship whilst wearing the priest clothes, dressed like a fucking priest.

Then I had another dream where all the toilets were clogged and the sinks were backing up in my house.  Because my forgetful grandma kept flushing stuff down the toilet. 

Jan 23, 2015

Nugget Pieces

I was leaving work for lunch and some idiot pulls up to the light on the wrong side of the road.  I leave space for him to move over but he never does and the light sensor never gets triggered.  Now a line of cars is piling up behind me and oddly enough, behind the guy in the wrong lane.  The left turn light from the cross street turns green and people have to loop around the line of cars to get in.  It's a total cluster fuck.  After the light cycles through twice I give up and pull forward so my light finally changes.

After all of that my lunch break is half over so I only have time for McDonalds. I go inside because the drive through is backed up. I notice while I'm in line I see an old lady with a ten piece chicken nuggets. I found it odd that the box in front of her was full of mostly eaten nuggets.  Like she ate each one until there was a bite left and put it back in the box.  Then I saw her leaving. Box in hand.  Old people are weird.

When I got back from lunch the parking lot was full of people who drove like it was "free drive without a license day"  total chaos.  People walking in front of moving cars, people backing out of spaces without looking.  Just complete retard sandwiches for lunch.

I can't shake that little box of Nugget bits in that box tho.  So weird.

Teach Me How To Pee

My friends and I like to joke around and not dry our hands after washing them following a piss. Then we wipe our wet hands on eachothers face and say "Teach me how to pee" We're idiots.  But that's not what this post is about.  I work at a place with a public bathroom. It has 3 urinals and 3 toilet stalls in the men's room.  For a while now I've been noticing a puddle of liquid, presumably piss, on the floor just in front of the 1st urinal. The first one is the most used, but sometimes there's pooling near the 3rd one. The lack of traffic in the second one of course is due to the no middle urinal rule.

If there's 3 open urinals, don't pick the middle one because if someone comes in, you'll be pissing right next to them. Distance from a stranger's penis, especially one with pee coming out of it is paramount and preferred.  Sometimes I've been in the bathroom and have seen several men who must have been raised in a cave, or a Mormon or something because they go straight to the center urinal. Sometimes even if I'm in #1 they will park right up next to me when #3 is open. DUDE WTF, the rule man, did you grow up with no dad and 4 sisters?  More about Urinal Etiquette here: a-quick-guide-to-urinal-etiquette 

As I was saying, the puddles of mystery liquid on the floor.  We have several elderly customers that may have problems with flow or aim that could help explain this. But one day it looked like someone literally stood 2 feet too far away and just pissed with reckless oblivion. Some people are short and have a hard time reaching our clearly non ADA certified urinals. There's this one short guy I saw in there who had to stand 3 feet away and aim upwards so the stream made it onto the porcelain.  It was pretty funny/sad to see. Use the toilets man. My old boss was a height challenged man and he always used to toilets to pee.  There's also the unsavory street people and drunkards that come into the store...usually for the free coffee.  A coworker saw a guy once standing in the middle of the bathroom aimed somewhat towards the urinal but wobbling back and forth barely able to stand from being so fucked up.  Piss everywhere!  This guy was just pissing everywhere. So that could explain a lot.

Actual toilet from yesterday.
It's rare that I use the toilets because I don't like to shit at work if I can help it. But yesterday I couldn't help it.  Something was a bit off with my sandwich I had for lunch and my guts wanted it the fuck out. I run to the bathroom and notice that it's full of customers and one of my managers. Usually I'd hold it and wait for a more discreet time to blow ass but this was happening. I did my business of shitting liquid diarrhea out of my butt hole, then went back to work.  About 2 hours later it started rumbling again so I went back.  This time it was pretty empty, one person in toilet #1, I like #2 and #3 is supposed to be for handicapped people. It's roomy but the way it's positioned to the entrance and sink, combined with the oversized gaps around the stall doors makes it not ideal. The gaps are so big when I walk into the bathroom without even trying you can see dude's bare laps and knees.  According to apparently it's an American thing, toilet stalls abroad are much more private.  America, just one more thing we suck at. Because of this unfortunate fact I prefer #2.   Despite having a next door neighbor I went for my preferred stall.

I open the door and see that someone has sprinkler toy'd all over the seat. Do they still even make those things? Sprinkler Toys...  I remember in the 80's and early 90's they were all the rage.  Those and slip n' slides. I guess the drought has really put a damper on summer fun.  Back to the toilet seat situation, there's getting piss on the seat and there's GETTING PISS ON THE SEAT.  This looks like someone who had once had their dick chopped off at the base years ago and never got it re-attached spraying pee all over the seat, the tank and the floor. What the holy fuck?  Age, height and level of intoxication are definitely factors and/or excuses for pissing all over the floor, but damn, for the sake of every other man who might have to take a shit today, lift the goddamned seat. There's nothing unmanly or gay or feminine or pussy-whipped about lifting the fucking seat before you piss all over it.  There's no level of toilet paper, or seat covers that is going to protect anyone from that.   I guess I'm using #3.

About toilets tho, I think if it's a unisex bathroom, since most public toilets don't have a lid, the seat should always be left up. It just makes more sense.  If you need the seat, put it down and use it and put it up when you're done.  It's less likely to collect dust, dirt or pee from some unaware man. The thing that often never gets talked about is that men use the seat to, when they poop.  They ddon'tlike pissed on seats either but when it's left down the likelihood of it getting pissed on is way greater. Since it's a public place and all kinds of people are using it, this will never happen.  Get used to pissy shitty gonorrhea covered toilet seats.
 Related Noggin: Recent Observation of Some Public Bathrooms

In a private household situation most toilets have a lid.  The lid is the most under-rated item on a toilet. We have pets so it's usually down anyway but besides keeping animals out of it,  it's the most fair solution to most male/female arguments about the toilet.  EVERYONE puts the lid, not the seat, the whole lid down when you are finished. No woman will ever accidently get stuck into a cold porcelain unseated toilet hole. There's a lid, lift it.  Men, you can't just whip it out and start spraying all over a toilet seat. There's a lid you have to lift. Might as well lift the seat too right?  it's still all one motion.  But put the lid back down when you're done. They should make the toilets not flush unless the lid is down to ensure this practice is followed.

There's also this...
Have a great weekend. Happy peeing!  And remember: always wash your hands.

Jan 20, 2015

Overzealous Subway Worker (classic fast food rant)

Fucking overzealous Subway worker. Stop trying to sell me on shit. Before I even order he informs me of how good the honey oat and italian cheese breads are. Neither of which I want. Then I order my hot pastrami on italian bread and tell him what kind of cheese- he instantly opens the oven while saying "one pastrami-toasted" would you like onions or peppers toasted on there? It's really good!
what about jalapenos?
when you toast them it takes off the hotness are you sure?
 I dont even bother to tell him I didn't want it toasted in the first place.  Then he pulls it from the oven and asks what I want. This is common at Subway because it's how they do it, but I say Mustard, pickles, lettuce and pepperoncini.  He completely ignores that I said mustard because that's last according to them. I like the mustard ON THE BREAD first, which is why I didn't want it toasted. But this guy is so eager to get me out the door. I dont know why because there was no one else there.  So then he puts the pickles and peppers and lettuce then grabs the mayo and is about to squeeze it on as he asks "was there anything else?" YES YOU FUCKHEAD.. and it's NOT,  never was and never will be mayo.  I said it first if you had your head out of your ass you would have heard me say Mustard. Because normal people put the condiments on first.  "woah my bad ok mustard" then he drizzles like two little splatter lines on top of the lettuce looks up at my dissatisfied face and says "little more?"  YES.  ugg. Then he asks if I want any salt and pepper, I say no that's it so as he's wrapping my sandwich up he informs me they have oil and vinegar and that it's really good. Oh as I'm paying he informs me they also have deli mustard.  Good for you. 

Look you fucker I know what you have, I've been to a Subway before. I'm sure many people in this town have. There's 6 god damn Subways within a 2 mile radius here. 
I specifically didn't ask for oil and vinegar, or honey oat bread, or onions or deli mustard because I didn't  want it. Shut the fuck up and give me what I asked for. Oh and why the fuck was the mayo tube even in your hand?... I never once said mayo  you dipshit.

Why do I even?

Theory of Edge of Tomorrow

I just saw the movie Edge of Tomorrow/Live, Die, Repeat and have some ideas about the ending.

I know this was a book and the end is way different and complicated in the book which makes the movie more of a "super happy hollywood" ending.  But I think how it ends leads to more questions which to me makes it less happy and more of a what the fuck ending.

 Forgetting the book completely here because you kind of have too. When they get to the Louvre the Mimics are already there waiting for them. Just like on the beach. The first thing I thought was that someone in fact did get killed by an Alpha which was resetting the day for someone in their party.  In one theory I have it was in fact a member of that party which we never know resetting the scenario. In another timeline theres someone from that troop which reset that scenario living it over and over and goes through the same loop and discovery of info that Cage did, eventually finding Cage and Rita getting all the info etc. But this time they know where the Omega is ahead of time.  Since he's no longer affected Cage is still in that same day timeline with all the memories of the prior times. Just like Rita was when he finds her.  So Cage and Rita still pretty much think it's the same day, the same timeline they were in. By the time we see them, for the unknown looper they've probably done it several times and know what's going to happen. But this time they don't go see Cage and Rita, they just know what they have to do and maybe even that if Cage and Rita don't know, it works out better because they stick to the plan they came up with from Cage's loops.  Maybe one of the two guys who sacrifice themselves and blow up the tanker as a diversion know that if they die, even tho they will loop into a new timeline, in this particular timeline, Cage will go on to kill the omega. Because of how time travel works, each time line keeps going. So there are 1000's of time lines where the unknown guy dies and the Mimics win. But all humanity needed was one where they win.  One timeline where the humans win and all is good.  There's probably tons of holes in this, but it's based on a movie with holes so...  As you well know from my previous writings, time travel is a pain in the ass to write correctly.  My theory is weak because it relies on the idea that the omega from this one timeline can have an effect on all time lines. For that I apologize.

When Cage wakes up in the helicopter it's earlier, because he got the omega goop on him at night instead of in the morning. It was able to reset him but since he killed the omega this will be his last reset.  The timeline he wakes up in, if I remember correctly they didn't say someone killed the omega, just that suddenly they all got weak. They central brain of the hive wasn't there to help them cause resets and know the future.  So they were just sitting ducks without their main weapon.

And since it's supposed to be the "happy" ending Cage and Rita still have never met. he's met her but she doesn't know him. But that's not to say he will woo her with his story and knowledge of the Mimics and they will fall in love and have 1000 babies.

Jan 14, 2015

Bowling is Getting it All Wrong

I'm not in any way a bowling expert or aficionado but like most people in the western world, I enjoy some bowling now and again.  Not so much any more because my wrists are all screwed up from playing drums, using a computer and skateboarding over the years, but on occasion I like to meet friends at the stinky old bowling alley and pretend that I'm halfway okay at it.  But every time I go I'm always thinking about the scoring system. How once you reach a certain skill level it's all wrong.

If you fight your way down the field and score a touchdown you get 6 whole points.  But if you fail at reaching that goal and kick a field goal you only get 3.  It's incentive to cross the goal line rather than kick it.  If you make a basket closer to the hoop you get 2 points, but if you are farther away and make it they give you an extra point.  Most games are set up this way and too an extent so is bowling but after a while the strike and spare point system stops making sense.  Let me explain.

Say you're a professional or expert bowler. This means that just about every throw you make is going to be a strike.  That's what you're supposed to do, throw strikes for 10 points and so on ending in a perfect game.

perfect game is the highest score possible in a game of bowling, achieved by rolling a strike during every frame.[1] In bowling games that use 10 pins, such as ten-pin bowlingcandlepin bowling, and duckpin bowling, the highest possible score is 300, achieved by bowling 12 strikes in a row in a single game: one strike in each of the first nine frames, and three more in the tenth frame. Because a strike counts as ten pins plus any pinfall in the next two balls, 30 points are possible in a given frame.

The other way to score is with a spare. A spare, no matter how difficult is still only counted by the amount of pins knocked down which is a maximum of 10.

Scores can be greater than the actual number of pins knocked over if strikes or spares are bowled. A "strike" is scored when a player knocks down all pins on the first roll in the frame. Rather than a score of 10 for the frame, the player's score will be 10 plus the total pins knocked down on the next two rolls in the next frame(s). A "spare" is scored when all pins are knocked down using both rolls in the frame. The player's score for that frame will be 10 plus the number of pins knocked down on the first roll in the next frame. A player who rolls a spare or strike in the last frame is given one or two more rolls to score additional points, respectively.

One of the most infamous of splits is the 7–10 split 
And that's basically it. Roll your ball and count the pins essentially.  There are pro's who can curve the ball and make crazy 7-10 splits and do all kind of wizardry with a bowling ball.  The way the game is set up, if you make one of these incredible shots, you'll get high-fives from the team, but there's really no numerical reward for it.  If you are truly skilled you will never leave any pins up. There are plenty of times in professional bowling where pins are left and spares are made but it's seen as a mistake and you ultimately are scored lower for it.  
More about the 7-10 split here. 

I propose a new version of the game. You would use the same 10 pins but you would be scored higher for more difficult split and spare combinations. The challenge would be for the player to intentionally knock down only the middle pins setting up a high scoring opportunity to get the split or single pin left over.  I think you would get points for the set up and the knockdown. For example; you knock down the 8 middle pins, you would get points (I haven't figured out how many points yet).  If you get the split you would get the setup plus a spare bonus (adding the score from the next 2 frames plus points from an incremental point system based on the difficulty of the spare) and the 10 pin points. So there's still incentive to get all ten in two throws but getting a strike would still only be 10 points and you wouldn't get the points added from the next frames. 

This of course isn't discrediting the current way to play. It's perfectly challenging and fun for the average player, but once you get to be a ninja bowler, I would imagine it would get kind of boring to play and especially watch as a spectator.  Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm not and this is a good idea and could be implemented in other sports too.  Imagine if you got 4 points for a longer (more difficult) field goal kick?  Tell me I'm not the only one who's thought about this. 

 In conclusion, I just wrote an entire blog post about fucking bowling. 

Tipping Re-Revisited: Why Tipping Should Be Banned

I've written here about tipping at restaurants before so most of you should know my stance on the matter. If you missed it you can read my ramblings here. Kirknoggins on Tipping

I came across this video today and it pretty much hits the nail on the head. Adds humor to what I've already said and gives a little actual history and knowledge on why we even do this shit in the first place.

Jan 5, 2015

A Month of Images

Wait for it.....  Here's a giant dump of pics from my phone from the last month.  Happy Holidays.
My Monday is my Friday, so Photo Friday, there you have it. 

Lego Man buried up to his arm in a shallow grave. #everythingisawesom

 New Painting.

 Happy New Year. 

Got my old drums back. My first real drumset.

Road Trip back to the bay area.  

New Hat! 

How the teenager brushes her teeth.  ugg. 

God Scat?  

Can't escape work even on vacation 5 hours away.  


 Company Christmas Party Selfies

lolly tamale.

The best fast food burger ever                              Hipster Santa                                  Franklin.

Redneck Christmas Parade in Eureka. 

 December Arcata Arts Alive

New Artwork.