Jun 17, 2013

Audition. WTF? (movie review)

I may be late to the game on this but a friend of mine who I trust with picking good unusual movies had a movie recommended to her by her friends who watch weird movies. She looked it up as did I (after watching it) and saw that everywhere you go this movie gets the highest praise. top of horror movie lists, every review is licking its nuts clean like it was dipped in chocolate sauce.  So like, wow we gotta see this movie.  It's directed by a Japanese film maker named Takashi Miike who's known for extreme gore and violent horror movies.  I usually dont like these types of movies but am intrigued by how extreme they can get.  We found it on Netflix.  It's called Audition.

It just so happened that everyone had already fell asleep except for the two of us so we put it on.  I was going in expecting the worst. Hostel, Saw, Human Centipede... I'd read about some extreme gore stuff and watched some clips online so I kind of had an idea of what I could be getting into with this movie.

So we watched it, both of us were pretty tired, and it's subtitled so we hoped that the extreme nature of this movie would keep us awake.  About 1/3 of the way through I texted a mutual friend who'd seen this and told her this movie is hella boring.  Because it was... she assured us that it really picks up in the last 20 minutes. OK, to me that seems like a pretty shitty plan for a movie but we stuck it out. If you've seen this, you know what I'm talking about.. and for some reason like everyone else besides me and my friend, totally loves it.

The quick and dirty for those of you who haven't seen it (spoilers maybe) It's a businessman who loses his wife. 7 years after her death his teenage son encourages him to start dating because he's all bummed out all the time.  He concocts a plan with a coworker who works with him at a place that makes TV/Movies or something. The plan is that they'll audition women for a movie, only, there is no movie and it's a way to find the dude a wife.  He picks a girl but her references aren't panning out. His friend says to watch out because we cant verify anything on her resume.  He doesn't care, he's smitten by this chick. His friend says to wait to call her. So he waits.. they show her in a funky empty room slouched over on the floor staring at the phone. in the room is a big burlap sack tied up.   They start dating, then he decides to propose to her while they're on a romantic trip somewhere. she gets naked while he's giving her some ideas of where to go before dinner. She says "can you love me, only me" it gets all weird and they get into bed.. it looks like she's going down on him, then he wakes up and she's gone. His friend is like leave it alone, she's weird I told you.  As he's trying to track her down he finds out some shady shit about some of her references.

Long story short, she drugs him at his house and tortures him. while he's in and out of consciousness he starts to have flashbacks to their dates where she reveals how she was horribly abused by various male figures in her life as a child.  It's gets really confusing. there's scenes of him in her room. there's a dude in the burlap sack all fucked up. she feeds him her vomit.  then she starts to go down on him and she turns into other chicks from his life.  it's fucking weird and hard to follow.  I've heard explanations that say most of the weird shit is a dream.  I hate dream explanations because they are a cop-out and dont have to have any real bearing on the actual plot.  She says she worked at a bar, but the bar's been closed after the violent murder of the bar owner. She said her manager was in the music industry. The bar owner was having an affair with a music industry guy. They found extra 3 fingers, an ear and a tongue in the mess of body parts in the bar.. guy in the sack had 3 missing fingers, no ear and no tongue (also no feet)... so your brain starts to put the pieces (which are laid out right in front of you ) together that this chick is fucking nuts.  ...build up!!!

OK... SO.. remember when I said this was a movie by a guy who's known for extreme gore and crazy shit? I was fully prepped for a gnarly pay off to this pointlessly confusing movie.  (spoilers)  there's some gross scenes or rather flashes of things throughout the last 25 or so minutes of this but nothing too crazy. Now, after an hour of a boring subtitled romantic crime thriller... time for the big torture finale.. c'mon Takashi Miike... let me have it!! everyone creams their jeans over this movie so let's do this shit!  ................... She pokes him with needles while giving a monologue about how he doesnt love only her and he's like the other men, that he only wants sex bla bla bla... so yea,  fucking acupuncture...She gives him a drug in a big scary needle under the tongue and she's dressed in black rubber apron, says he wont be able to move but feel everything.. so he can enjoy the pain.. and it's pretty creepy and all, but really? acupuncture needles? weak! ...oh wait, she's got the razor wire saw she cut a guys head of with earlier (maybe she did?  not sure, it might have been a dream, I dont know. the timeline doesn't work, like most of the flashback shit but whatever)  and she uses it cut his foot off... it's disturbing but on a scale of 1-10 of what I've seen and heard about in movies I'd give it a 2 and a half.  Then the son comes home catches her in the act then pushes her down the stairs and she's paralized(?) and then he calls the cops. THE END.

HOW IN THE FUCK is this everyone's favorite horror movie of all time?  I wouldn't even call it horror. not even close. It's long, boring and not scary or gross or exreme AT ALL.  If you disagree with me PLEASE leave comments explaining to me why this movie is boner juice for horror nerds.  

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