It's That Time of Year Again

Happy Holidays to all of you!  More specifically, Merry Christmas. Not because I'm Christian and feel the need to differentiate because the world revolves around me and my religion, but because that's where the, money is and I'm cashing in!  You see I'm an Atheist, which means I need to let you know about it every chance I get.  No matter what your faith is, this is always a special time of year when everything is pepperminty and gingerbread spiced.

Here's some of my latest holiday season inspired designs for you to buy buy buy.

Coffee Holiday is available on various items and apparel exclusively at Society6.com . Use this link to get $5 off and Free Shipping for a limited time.  http://society6.com/kirkshelton?promo=Q92DZF3HKBZQ

Smells Like Christmas is also available on various items and apparel at Society6.com and Redbubble.com. Use this link to get $5 off and Free Shipping for a limited time.  http://society6.com/kirkshelton?promo=Q92DZF3HKBZQ

Don't forget these classic designs only available at Redbubble.com 

...also redbubble has stickers. 

ORDER NOW TO GET IT IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS! 

Artifact Movie Quick Review

30 Seconds to Mars were really cool guys when we toured with them.  More importantly, this documentary is a really good look into the music business and the current state of affairs of the music industry.  It's shown from a perspective I can relate to as a former member of a rock band who was signed to fucked over by a major label. It brought back a lot of memories from around that time in my life.

Check it out on Netflix.

Payola: Still a Problem

A friend of mine and fellow musician Gentle Jones has come across a new kind of payola. The major labels are careful these days to be clever in the way they pay off radio and media outlets but the independent artist is getting fucked in a different and quite blatant way.  The internet, after all this time is still new territory for music.  Back in 1999 my band was cutting edges being on Mp3.com and Napster was still flying under the radar.  The industry has changed so much in 15 years and has steadily adapted and found new ways to help and rip off artists every chance they get.  Which is why many have elected to bypass the major labels. Some like Gentle Jones are going through smaller independent labels and some merely do it themselves.  Technology has made creating and distributing music cheap and simple but there are apparently still obstacles. Jones's article highlights first hand what he's been dealing with in trying to promote a new album he's been working on with High Elders called Forest Of Pencils.

Exerpt from http://gentlejones.blogspot.com

I sent the video to several music blogs and the response was incredible! Hot Press Magazine called the video, "Stunning... Eye-popping... Fabulous!" However, among these blogs I emailed were several who directly asked me for money just to post the video! This type of payola is increasingly common online these days. Many of those payola blogs are just automated content retweeted by cheap twitterbots and of no real value to an aspiring artist because real people don't actually check the content. Here I've posted a few of the emails I got in response to the video just to give other artists and music fans an idea of what its like to be independent in today's music business and the sorts of predatory folks who will try and juice you, many of them openly admit they are using twitterbots to promote your content:

--Subject: Re: New Video! High Elders Surrounded By Lights
To: Gentle Jones 

$100 it'll be up by midnight and emailed to other blogs affiliated with me--

-----------------------------------

--Subject: Re: New Video! High Elders - Surrounded By Lights
To: Gentle Jones 

For general posts we charge a small fee of $10.00 for standard placement and $25.00 for featured placement which includes a 3 day tweeting of the video on our Twitter page personally.

If you are unable to pay we will put the video/song in consideration for placement. As we get 100's of emails a day for artist placements. If you are selected we will email you the link to the video on our site and will tweet it out one time after being posted.

If interested please send the payment via Paypal to Aotds@hotmail.com

Thanks,--

Man, what scumbags.

Check out Gentle Jones:
Twitter @gentlejones
Gentle Jones Facebook
Gentle Jones Youtube 

Watch the video for Surrounded By Lights here make sure to subscribe and let him know what you think.


Also read my 2005 post from my Boycott The Music Industry blog telling my personal story with major labels, payola and a bigtime payola lawsuit that Sony Music quietly lost.  http://boycottthemusic.blogspot.com/2005/12/payola.html

Director's Cut

You probably know I was in a band called Fingertight. I've talked about it here before.  We had some success in the late 90's early 2000's. Record deal, tours, etc.  One of the many things that I got to do during that time was make a real-deal-hollywood music video.

Old news right? You have probably already googled the phrase 'Fingertight guilt video'   and watched the same one everyone else has- of us dramatically flailing while enthusiastically lip synching to a medium tempo song cleverly shot in front of an industrial backdrop.

What most of you don't know is that what the record company let you see in that video is only about 60% of what was filmed.

When we approached the very talented and then up and coming artist Jeff Soto to create an album cover for us we never imagined the story it would tell on it's own. One that fit the story we were trying to tell with the songs on the record.  Later fates aligned and another skilled artist Mike Sloat was chosen to direct our music video.

The cover consisted of four folding panels to reveal the full painting. 

 Sloat embraced the artwork of Soto and made it come alive.  He created a cast of costumes and backdrops that matched the album art.  Continuing where the music and artwork left off, the video told more of the story.  But much like a lot of the bittersweet battles we found ourselves in during this time, our artistic vision was beat down by the record company once again with the final edit of the video. They swooped down from their dark castles in Gotham and took out anything meaningful and artistic leaving all of us with four dancing monkeys.

I dug up the original director's cut of the Guilt (Hold Down) music video and have posted it here the way it was meant to be seen for your viewing pleasure.  This was a true work of art all around and shouldn't be left on a cutting room floor.

Side note: I've posted this once before several years ago on Youtube but the record company had it taken down. I don't know how long it will last here so watch it while you can.  The battle never ends.

  Enjoy.

Exodus: Bringing Thrash Back From The Dead

Exodus's new album is probably the first album by a late 80's Thrash Metal band released in the last 20 years that doesn't completely suck zebra balls.  Slayer's had some ok stuff but I believe it's never been on par with even Seasons In The Abyss.  Metallica has been a total joke since 1993.  Testament kind of changed gears and went a little darker. I dont know what the fuck Death Angel is now but I definitely wouldn't call it Thrash. Megadeth is just out of gas putting out disappointment after disappointment. Anthrax completely fucked up by hiring John Bush. The last one with Belladonna was okay but still nothing like Persistence of Time. I think Pantera has sucked since The Great Southern Trendkill but that's a controversial opinion I know. Anyway, now they're dead.  Kreator's was a valiant effort but it actually sounds like an album performed by 45 year olds.  Who else is left?  GWAR? GWAR gets a pass even tho they don't need it. GWAR can get away with anything because of how completely awesome they are. If there were any others then they don't matter because they obviously weren't memorable to me.

Then there's Exodus — who really, back in the day was not a top shelf thrash name.  They were one of the many powerhouse bands coming out of the elite SF Bay Area Thrash Metal scene in the mid-late 80's coming up in the shadow of Metallica.   Personally their 1998 effort 'Fabulous Disaster' was my favorite tape for a while around that time, (yea I said tape but by the time they came out with "Thorn in My Side" ...it was the same old watered down radio metal everyone else was doing at that time.  Fast forward to 2014. By now I'd completely written them off just as I did all of my thrash metal idols from my youth.  When I heard they were doing a new album I had the same reaction I have when any of the aforementioned bands say they're putting out new shit.  A big "meh" and a courtesy listen and be glad I didn't buy the album.

So I hear Exodus of all names is doing a new record and I wait for a single or youtube clip to drop and have a listen.  My first reaction is that it's not bad... not bad at all.  Then by the fourth or fifth listen I'm air drumming and fist pumping in my car chanting "blood in - blood out!"  Finally I pick up the full album and track by track I'm totally digging it.

It's been in my car's CD player a week or so now and I've come to the realization I mentioned at the top of this review.  This is the first real Thrash album that's come out in 20 plus years.  There's been several so-called  "modern" thrash bands like Toxic Holocaust and others that to their credit have clung to a genre that's seated firmly in the past but they just can never really be as authentic as the originals.  Exodus, a group of over the hill rockers have succeeded to create a collection of music that my 16 yr old self would completely accept an enjoy. This album welcomes back Steve Souza whose vocals are as fresh and shrill as ever. He sounds like he did in 1989. The rest of the band, who are essentially all members who go back with Exodus to the 80's which is a big part of why this album sounds like it could have been made in 1988.

 I was driving home from work today just blasting it thinking to myself "this is thrash... this is legit 80's thrash... that was made now"   Exodus did something that none of the other big thrash bands of the day could do.   Bottom line; Exodus - Blood In, Blood Out is an honest to goodness, no bullshit, kick ass Thrash record.  Call in sick, drop the kids off at school, put the CD in the big living room surround sound home theater, turn it up to 11 and do the toxic waltz in your living room around the coffee table while your cat looks at you like you're mad.

Blind 70yr Old Man Kills Bear Then Gets Drivers License

Today I met Dr. Dean Edell. That was pretty friggin cool.  If you don't know who that is then it doesn't mean much to you but I was a big fan. You should Google him.  I was a pretty avid listener to his show just before he retired. He was a pretty hard core motherfucker, especially when he ripped on Oprah and Jenny McCarthy about vaccines-- but in a completely different way than the person I learned about today. 

I got a text from someone who was doing some legal work for a local gentleman.  The message described a man who broke the jaw of, then killed a bear. I asked if it was with his bare hands and they weren't certain but replied "I think with his hands, he had to get a shit-ton of stitches"  This man is also 70 years old.  I also learned that he's legally blind.

Illustration by Kirk Shelton

Now, in my mind I'm picturing an elderly, silver-eyed, stubborn, beast of a man with bloody bandages wrapped around his hands sitting in a courtroom today on trial for beating a bear to death.  Although unfortunately for this post I later learned that the altercation with the bear happened sometime in the past and wasn't what he was in need of legal aide today, He's still among the elite few humans on the planet who can say they killed a bear with their hands.  According to the internet only two men are documented to have doing this. Unfortunately I wasn't able to ascertain our man's name nor have no way to confirm these claims but my source is reliable and seemed convinced.

But bear killing aside, this man is a hardcore motherfucker because despite being old and blind he went to the DMV to get a driver license (or possibly a renewal)- took the written test and passed, then while legally blind took the driving portion... and passed that!  The DMV had to take it under review but eventually administered him a drivers license.  So if you get cut off by some old man...before you road rage on him, check his hands for scars in the shape of a bear's mouth.  He might be a hard core motherfucker you don't want to mess around with.

It's About Dot Com Fucking Time

Not that any of you care but after nearly 10 years I've finally secured (for at least a year) a real URL for the Noggins.  

Update your bookmarks kids!  www.kirknoggins.com is a real thing. 

Finally when I tell people I have a blog I don't have to say "dot blogspot dot com" it's so embarrassing at all the fancy tech parties I don't go to.

Primus's Chocolate Factory

Primus has a new record!  Primus and the Chocolate Factory With the Fungi Ensemble.  

I was excited when I saw this announced.  But apprehensive, because the last several albums from this group have been somewhat of a let down.   I guess I've been waiting 20 years for Seas of Cheese part two and have been starting to realize that its probably never going to happen.  Then I found out that it was a studio version of their New Year's Eve 2013 show at The Fox Theater in Oakland. A  cover album of the 1971 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie soundtrack.   Now I'm really on the fence. I didnt go to that show or hear anything about it.  It's classic songs from a classic movie that Tim Burton already fucked up once.  Now let's see what Primus can do with these songs.  But this isn't 1990's Primus, well, it is if you consider that it's the same lineup reunited... but it's coming from a Primus whose recent stuff has been lackluster.  So here we go...

While this is unmistakably Primusesqe, this could have easily been called Les Claypool and the Fungi Ensemble because to me it doesn't feel like the band Primus.   If you want to call it Primus I'd say it's done in the style of all of my least favorite Primus songs.  I fell asleep both times trying to listen to it.  The songs are classic but this reimagining does little justice to the originals. Same could be said about  the buildup of it being the classic Primus lineup of Les and Larry rejoining with Herb. Like I said before it feels like a Les Claypool side project. 

Every other song is the same Oompa Loompa song with different lyrics.  It never peaks with something incredible or unexpected. The whole thing is the same repetitive drone with Claypool talk singing very well known lyrics but with less of the melody were all used to. Tim's drumming, a staple in the Primus sound that made them famous, and a big part of the promotion, is almost non-existent in this record.  

What I see here is a lot of hype and promotional extras such as Wonka themed everything,  hidden golden tickets and candy bars for what is essentially a mediocre, boring cover album. I'm hoping to see what these three do after spending some time writing together again. (If they even do that) But I'm not getting my hopes up.  

"Primus Sucks" is getting less and less sarcastic. 

PYMHM The Almost Dead Hooker Story.

Post You Might Have Missed from Aug 23, 2007

In a conversation about gross jobs, Dog Groomer came up. Only because you have to "express" dogs anal glands. My dog was having problems back there and the vet suggested I try to do it myself. Armed with rubber gloves and a roll of paper towels I went for it. I won’t go into the details but it was one of the most disturbing moments in my life. Definitely a top five. That got me thinking about what would be on my top 5 most disturbing moments. It’s tough because I don’t gross out that easily. But strangely, ketchup and bleeding open wounds gross me out to no end. One thing for sure that makes the list is my almost dead hooker incident.

I've told the story quite a few times but there’s no better place than here to put it down in sans serif for all of you to read.

The Almost Dead Hooker - by Kirk Shelton.
Based on true events.

When my band was on tour we saw many things and met many people. There were a small group of people we would travel with and get to know throughout the tour. Band members, tour managers, techs, roadies, etc. One of the types of people you never really talk to or get to know are the truck drivers. If you’re on a bigger tour the headliners have a full 18 wheeler truck that they cart around their equipment, stage, lighting and everything else you get when you have a real tour budget. Mudvayne was nominated for a Grammy, they were one of those bands.

We first became aware of Mudvaynes truck driver in Allentown PA. The venue’s loading dock was down a side alley and we were pretty impressed with the skill it took to get that huge trailer down in there. We saw him kind of wipe the sweat from his brow as he hopped out of the cab.  He looked at us with a face of pride and relief. We looked back and gave him a thumbs up to his good driving skills. We said something like "damn man good job, I don’t think I could get my car in that spot" All the while thinking to ourselves that he probably does stuff like that all the time and it was probably not that big of a deal to him. Later as we started moving our gear into the club we began to have loading issues of our own. This place was the most unorganized club we'd ever played. load on was a pain in the ass, and loading off down roped off corridors, down stairs and through a sea of sweaty, drunk, self-riotous Mudvayne fans wasn’t a walk in the park either.

As we finally settle down and cool off from being so frustrated at the loading situation we see the truck driver walking away from his truck with a duffel bag. Before our encounter earlier we wouldn’t have noticed but now we kinda knew this dude. He told us he was off the tour and going to work for some other better paying tour. Well that sucks, we all thought to ourselves. Right about then a new driver gets dropped off by a taxi and starts to check over the truck. We walk over to him and make a point to casually introduce ourselves since we had just gained a new respect for truckers. He had a little rougher, unshaven, leathery, unkempt appearance than the last guy but what the hell, he was a trucker. That’s how truckers are supposed to look right?  He hopped into the cab and after he gets settled he starts to pull out of the alley to get on the road for the next stop on the tour. As he pulled out we started to hear this loud scraping tearing metal sound and suddenly our images of seemingly magical skilled masters of the fine art of maneuvering 70 feet of steel and rubber were fading like this new driver’s blurry, blue prison tattoos. As if he didn’t hear what we were hearing he kept pulling forward. We went around to look and we saw his truck inch by inch ripping the steel framed canvas awning from the front of the club right out of the concrete wall. He finally realized what it was and stopped. Not before there was hunks of stucco and painted plaster coating the sidewalk and the hood of his semi. Welcome to the tour!

This is the guy who Mudvayne is depending on to get their gear from town to town!? 

Jump a week, five towns and five shows later. We had just played El Paso, Texas which borders Juarez, Mexico. A big group of guys from the other bands and crew went over to Juarez. Juarez is where members of another band we had toured with went and came back with tales of the "Farmacia", pain medication abuse and drunken gun shooting. ahh México es bueno. So now we’re further east of El Paso, playing a show in another border town. McAllen Texas, which is pretty much Mexico. English was the second language there. For some reason, as I was hanging out at the merch table, explaining to the Mexicans that we can’t accept Pesos for T-shirts, I start having a conversation with the crazy truck driver who now had been with us for a week without incident. Half paying attention to him as he just keeps rambling on about stuff he mentions that he just got out of prison like 5 years prior. He tells me how he used to run meth and cocaine for the Hells Angels in the 80's and got busted. At this point I realize this dude is totally out of his mind, but being naive like I was I gave him the benefit of the doubt and didn’t fully give up on this guy. There had to be something good and noble left in him. After all he had a pretty decent trucking gig for a pretty big band. Right?

Wrong.

A couple days later we find ourselves in Las Vegas. The buzz was hot in the air about Mudvayne heading south to Mexico to play some huge rock festival. But the tour is coming to an end. One more show in LA and we head home, Mudvayne to Mexico. We got to Vegas early and while Mudvayne had a ton of gear to set up we were just waiting around. Hanging out backstage and in the loading dock with the other band and some of the crew. It was early afternoon, which was practically morning for us. We were comparing how sleeping is tough on the road. V-Shape Mind, the other band on the tour, was still in a van and got hotel rooms. We were in a tour bus but it was a pretty crappy tour bus with little to no amenities, while Mudvayne and their crew had new top of the line Prevost busses with DVD players and stuff in each bunk. At this point crazy trucker jumps in on the conversation and says "you have trouble sleepin? ‘cuz I got some pills for that when we were south of the border" I tried to end the conversation and said "no I sleep pretty good.. Sometimes I oversleep" then he quickly countered excitedly, "well, I got pills for that too!!  Wake you right up!" I’m thinking this guy is a complete nut, but again, rolling with it. He overheard us talking about the cool stuff Mudvayne has in their bus and says "hey you should see what I got in my cab". I was curious and interested since I’d never really been in a real big rig before.  So I followed him to the front of his truck which was backed into the loading zone. I didn’t realize it at the time but I was the only one to follow him. The group of dudes I was talking with seemed to conveniently disappear.

"Hop on up" he kind of chokes out with a voice reminiscent of a pack of Camel Non-Filters. I climb up and sit in the well weathered driver seat. I bask briefly thinking it was kind of cool sitting up there. Then he says to take a look. I look around in front of me and to the passenger seat and don’t see anything unusual. Just another worn out seat and a slightly more complicated dashboard than I’m used too. But nothing I didn’t expect. I look at him like "what am I supposed to be seeing here?"

He then points behind me toward his sleeper cab. "oh yea, his bunk" I looked around at eye level for some kind of cool TV or video game set up. Seeing nothing I was about to look back at him ... then I saw it.

As my eyes moved down, to about the level of my knees. With only the dim daylight shining through the windshield into the unlit sleeper cab, behind the driver seat, on a shitty foam mattress the width of the cab, I saw a woman. She was completely nude laying on her back half covered at the waist by a dirty blanket. She had the physique of a holocaust victim. Very emaciated and greyish. It might have been the lighting but she looked like a dead body you’d see on CSI. As I take in all of these observations all within a few glances I realize she isn’t moving. Instantly I freak and think "oh my god she is dead!!!! This guy has a dead hooker in his truck oh my god, holy shit!!!" I think I even squeaked out a little girl scream. Then as I'm about to jump and run as fast as I can, she moves. Slightly like when you’re about to gasp for air. She doesn’t wake up but inhales quickly. Her whole body shudders violently, yet still unconscious she gasps for air in a breathy, but fast 'eeeghhhhh' then a second later she does it again.

I think to myself. “What the holy hell am I looking at? What the fuck?” Then I exclaim to the truck driver out loud "What the fuck man?!!" as I stare in shock and awe. He then replies... "You can have her man, go for it, she aint gonna wake up for a good 2 or 3 hours...."  Back into my inner monologue “Holy shit this is a hooker?” Instantly visions of all those truck stop prostitutes stumbling between semis I’d seen while on tour for the past year and a half surfaced in my memory. He continues "...yea, she won’t wake up, I gave her some of those pills I got in Mexico. You can do whatever you want to her and she won’t wake up"

UGH........completely disgusted, freaked out and slightly frightened I slunk out of the seat while saying as politely as I could “uhh no thanks man I'm cool" then once on pavement I walked as fast as I could back to the stage door. I saw the group I had been talking to before and said "dude that guy is fucked, he has an almost dead hooker passed out in his cab!" then I gave a brief recount of what had just happened.

They all laughed jokingly asking "so how was she?" laughing more as they said "why do you think we didn’t go over there, that dude is fucking nasty man" Thanks for the warning assholes.

I don’t think I’ve been the same ever since.

I'm In a Band

Some of you know I play rock n roll drums.  Here's my punk rock band. 

were called Dead Drift.

We're playing tonight

WTF is up with Vaping?

Let me start by saying I'm writing this looking at it from a completely ignorant, outside perspective.

 I just keep thinking that these vaporizer pens look like something really cheesy you'd see in a sci-fi movie about the future that was made in the 70's with people sucking on electronic pipe contraptions that seemed way too big and goofy looking to be an accurate portrayal of the future... yet here we are. 

kind of looks like a sonic screwdriver 

Lately I've been seeing people all over the place with what are referred to as "vape pens" and they seem to be getting bigger and more conspicuous.  When e-cigs first came out they were small, and tried to look less conspicuous. But now they're getting bigger and bigger and more like giant contraptions. Maybe they're more effective than the small E-cig ones. I have no idea, I think it's dumb. ... Better than real second hand smoke I guess. And if you're using an inconspicuous e-cig to wean yourself off of cancer sticks then that's cool I guess but it's sort of going in another direction.

Here's Katy Perry being cool as shit on
a penguin's dick.

Vape/vaping has become a thing now and not something you explain away with "oh yea, I'm quitting smoking... it's just water vapor"  It's almost become like a fashion statement or some kind of hip trend that you can participate in.  There's a part of this that seems to be a new branch of the pot-smoker, 420, burnout culture that's oh-so-prevalent here in Humboldt County...which adds that extra annoying factor.

 I've even seen people that have never smoked anything sucking on these things.  Fuck, the whole idea that "vaping" is even a word pisses me off.


I hate it. Stop it now, you look dumb.

oh yea..... and then theres this retarded cunt being one of the main spokespeople for it.  

Ello, is it G you're looking for?

https://ello.co/

In the wake of the recent Facebook Messenger debacle I've noticed many of my FB friends enthusiastically sharing Ello invites. Ello is what was introduced to me as a "way off facebook" a new alternative to Facebook.  

"Ello's minimal design puts emphasis on high-quality content, and makes it easy to connect with the people you really care about. Ello does not allow paid ads, and will never sell user data to third parties."

There's nothing wrong with this approach but this kind of already exists with a social networking platform you're probably already signed up for. 

"You'll find @ello, a curated collection of some of our favorite posts from the Ello community, in NOISE.

As you DISCOVER new people, follow them in either FRIENDS or NOISE. Nobody but you will know where you've put them."

 As I read the above description I kept thinking "Dude, this is Google Plus"  The whole idea with G+ was to allow you to put people in different circles. They're even using circular profile pics for fuck's sake. Friends, Noise, or whatever else you wanted. and nobody knew what circle they are in.  The popular thing was to hate Google Plus when it came out for some reason, so now that Ello is something new, even tho it's taking most of it's core elements straight from Google Plus, for some reason, now that It's hip to hate Facebook, the G+ haters are piling onto this Ello bandwagon. 

But do we really even need another social network?  Right now Facebook and Google Plus both have their advantages. I really don't need G+ to replace FB, or ello at all for that matter. For me Facebook is for keeping up with people I know. G+ is for finding new people and being entertained /educated. I can follow very specific circles of people in a common topic. 

The thing that really grinds my gears is that if these people I am friends with on Facebook, the people I know from my real life, actually used google plus, I could filter my stream for just friends /family circles and turn off the other stuff and basically replace Facebook, but that will never happen. Nor does it need to happen because I dont hate Facebook.  

People are looking for an alternative to Facebook with ‪#‎ello‬ but most of them probably are signing up with Ello with a Gmail account which means they already have a Google Plus account, they just never took the time to learn to use it.

On the other hand, if you're joining Ello for more than just "Facebook sucks now" it does have some interesting aspects regarding security, privacy and anonymity that are worth looking into.  Pointed out fairly well in this Money.CNN piece here.  

+kirkshelton 

https://ello.co/kirkiscool

PYMYM - LOST 10 year anniversary edition.

A couple years ago I posted this Post You Might Have Missed about how the TV show LOST was like an ex-girlfriend.  Now it's been fucking 10 years since it all started and I gotta say, it still hurts a little.  But damn will there ever be a TV event this impactful again?  

A LOST love.

So I was watching that show Hollywood Treasure where they find old movie and TV props and costumes to auction off. In a recent episode some LOST items came up. The knife Locke kills Jack with and a piece of flight 815 were auctioned off for a surprising  amount of money. All I could think about was "there's people still that care about that show?" I didn't think anyone would buy that crap this long after it ended. But they did. Because it was one of the best shows on tv for 4 years. But I'd forgotten that. 

As most of you know I was o b s e s e d with that show for 6 years. But now looking back that show feels like an ex girlfriend to me. An ex that I was really in love with but then I caught cheating on me and we had a really bad break up. The finale and last season and a half were so horrible, honestly I think I blocked it from my memory. When they mentioned the knife that Locke stabbed Jack with I honestly didn't even remember, what should have been a very pivotal scene had even happened. The hurt and betrayal I'd felt after 6 years of such loyalty and devotion had blinded me of all the good times we had. All the theories. Trying to fit the mysteries of season 1 and 2 into a nicely wrapped pseudo-science package. Trying to figure out what all the little clues and easter eggs meant. Then my group  of friends we were die-hard Lost fans started to worry that the writers didn't have a fucking clue about what was going to happen. Still we stuck with them when all the pundits had given up. 

Then suddenly in the course of an hour every criticism by every naysayer we'd opposed was completely validated. 

That cheating fucking whore! It was a blow to us die hards. Not only did the show we'd defended and invested so much hope in turn out to be a fucking joke... The writers made complete fools out of us. 

3 years later the wounds are still sore but healing. I still have seasons 1-4 on dvd. Maybe we can still be friends Lost. :'( 

Happy 10th birthday Lost. Click here to relive all of my obsessed rantings about Lost. 

PYMHM You Can't Fuck With Science (July 2007)

Here's an old Post You Might Have Missed from July 2007.  I wanted to share this with you all because, you know you still can't fuck with it.  

This is some shit that will melt your brain. fucking science man! 

3 Things That Do Not Make Sense. 

 There are a lot of things that don't make sense to us, because well, most of us are stupid. But when you stump the smartest science motherfuckers in the world ... thats something! things like.. the placebo effect, dark matter, why the Pioneer space probe started to go faster the further it got into deep space. Something called tetraneutrons which are four neutrons that are bound together in a way that defies the laws of physics and many more bits of unexplained craziness. If some of it seems dated it's because it was written in 2005.

Weird Science 2 The Journey Begins

 Here's another article (from 2007) I found today. Something most people write off as science fiction, these dudes are actually trying to figure it out. TIME TRAVEL! get your flux capacitors preheated to 99.9 Gigawatts and read this article.

Here's an excerpt regarding his theory on splitting a laser beam to go back in time... or something.

So here’s the truly mind-blowing aspect of his theory: If Signal B followed a shorter route to its detector, the fiddling in Signal A could theoretically show up in Signal B before Cramer actually tinkers with Signal A. It would be as if Cramer's actions had an effect that worked backward in time.

It will make more sense ( maybe ) when you read the whole article.
here's some more on time travel and some of the thoughts for and against it from good ol wikipedia.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_travel

Thanks for travelling back in time with me. See you next time in another Posts You Might Have Missed!  Hello to all my scientist friends!

Public Ranchero!

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I'm part of a few private groups on Facebook. If you're on the book and you're sick of the same old bullshit posts from your supposed friends, you should look into groups for different topics and  interests. It makes Facebooking way more interesting.  In private groups I can post stuff that I might not otherwise want to share publicly, but I think it's making me more shy about posting things I used to post all the time without hesitation. so here. I almost spared you all this post but I'm feeling sharey today.

I wanted to tell the people of a group that shares gross things that I almost shit my pants  last night.  We went out for dinner. Rita's Margaritas is a family favorite. This time I opted for  the Ranchero Burrito.  It was delicioso but it wanted out of the ranch halfway home.  Ran up to the house, unlocked the door and slammed it closed behind me without even thinking about it, locking Meg and Celeste out of the house while I had explosive shits.  I almost shit on the floor as I pulled down my pants to sit on the toilet.

As most of you know, this isnt the first time I've posted something like this ...
http://kirknoggins.blogspot.com/2006/12/my-friday-night.html

 

Fuck You Humboldt Royalty

So there's certain customers at work that demand attention.  The other day this old woman butted into my coworker's conversation with another customer "excuse me arent you going to help me?"  He told her in just a moment because he was still helping the other guy. The man was cool and had basically been helped so he told my coworker to go ahead and assist the clearly bitchy old lady.

She had questions about light fixtures. As he was helping her I needed to ask him a quick technical question about something he was well versed in for my customer. He answered it and continued to explain it in more detail to my customer to which the old woman looked up to me in a shitty tone through her oversized dark sunglasses and said "Well thanks a lot"  in not so many words saying "I had to be a total cunt to get him to leave his customer and help me now you go and take him away? I'm NEVER going to get any help!"  Ugg.  So I explain to her that I can easily help with her light questions.  She was all flustered and it ended up that we didnt have exactly what she wanted. So now, since she was a total fucker It's my fault we didn't have what she wanted.

I blew it off as just another stupid rude customer but after she left another coworker of mine from a different department said "Do you know who that was?"   I was like "a rude old cunt?"   She informed me that she was  Mrs.So-In-So from the famous whatever well known Humboldt establishment.  Apparently she's somebody in this town and she knows it because she comes in here throwing her weight around expecting everyone to kiss her wrinkly old ass.

There's quite a few of these jerks who come into the store expecting preferential treatment.  Fucking Humboldt royalty who think they should be treated as such. 

Look motherfucker, I've lived here just over a year, I don't know you from an ass in the ground. I get paid shit and these floors are concrete.  You want service? Get in line behind everyone else. No one is special.  If you're a dick about it expect to wait longer. If you're actually cool I might even put you first in line. Not because you have some kind of self perceived entitlement based on your name but for being a decent human being who understands that they're in a god damned hardware store.  

My 9-11 Story

It's that time of year again when everyone who was old enough to remember takes a look back at a time before long airport lines, loss of privacy and rights.  And most ironically the loss of freedoms we used to enjoy before that September morning back in 2001.  A time of innocence, peace and a budget surplus.

On this day we all look back and remember every detail of that day. Everyone has a 9-11 story, and once again here's mine as I remembered it when I posted this originally back in 2006. 

It was Fall of 2001 and my band had just secured a demo deal with Madonna's record label, Maverick Records. A few weeks prior a rep from that company came to see us at one of our local shows. At that time my band was at the top of its popularity locally and we had a really good turnout. The rep was the guy who discovered the band Disturbed who was, and still is a pretty popular metal band from Chicago. The deal we got furnished us the opportunity to record a demo in Chicago with the producer that recorded all of Disturbed's music, Johnny K that would be listened to personally by the president of Maverick Records. This was the big break we had been waiting for. The weeks leading up to our visit to Chicago we rehearsed the songs we thought were our best and just started counting the days.

The counting was over. Our bags were packed, our flights all arranged and our songs were as tight as they could be. The night before we all tried to just get a good nights sleep for our big day. Earlier than I had liked, my phone rang the next morning. It was my good friend and photographer of many shows, Justin. I answered the phone and before I could rant about how early it was he said "you're not going to Chicago today" why not, what are you talking about? "turn on the TV... We're under attack" WHAT? ! Shut up man, we have our plane tickets and everything.. What the hell are you talking about? My girlfriend Meg is waking up and asking what is going on. justin continues, "no dude, they bombed the world trade center in NY" Meg turned on the TV .. I just stared with my mouth open.. Oh my god what the fuck is going on. Questions and emotions filled me, just as almost everyone experiencing this at this moment. Then, the other plane hit and I remember the news people confirming that this indeed wasn't some accident. It was an attack. As if anyone had real doubt, hope maybe, but not doubt that this was anything other than what it really was. After the reality of it all sank in, and they started talking about grounding flights I remembered I had a flight today. The chance of my life to get a real studio demo for a label just got cancelled. I heard the TV news guy say something about pieces falling off the buildings and I looked... The first tower fell.. INSANITY.. Me and Meg are just in complete awe. Then the second one falls... How could this happen?!?! Immediately conspiracy theories popped into our heads "bush probably did this" we both agreed. But why? Still worried about our flight, I called the rest of my band members who were still dealing with what they just saw on TV... We called our manager. We scrambled to the Hotwire.com site to confirm that they would not refund our tickets... There was no clause in the agreement about terrorist attacks... We were frantic. What the hell do we do? On the TV, they were showing cheering crowds in Pakistan or somewhere, burning American flags and celebrating. whhaaat? I was like.. Why don't we fucking bomb those motherfuckers.. Look they're happy.. THEY did it.

By the next day, after reeling from all that transpired we found out finally that Hotwire is refunding tickets because of the tragedy. Without a flight tho, we still needed to get to Chicago. We wouldn't let some terrorists stop us from our chance at getting a record deal. We did what any self respecting band would do. We rented a minivan, loaded it with luggage and band equipment kissed our loved ones goodbye and drove! We drove like the wind. Nonstop minivan from Martinez to Chicago.

On the drive out there we were constantly reminded of the events from the day before. Every car on the road had an American flag on it. Every house, every storefront all had the full 2 page American flag that the newspaper printed in that days issue. It was pretty crazy. We even got some cheap Chinese made flags to put on the minivan. You could really see how unified the country was at that time. And you could defiantly see the reality of the flights being grounded. No planes anywhere.. And if you did see a plane you questioned it and got a little scared. There were a lot more rental cars and people driving. When we stopped in Cheyenne Wyoming for dinner we started talking about the Matrix sequel which was in production and that it was being filmed back home in Alameda. At this time a family had been seated near us and the father got up and corrected us on some fact we were curious about as h e walked by. He was gone before we could ask how he knew but his wife told us. "He's a director in Hollywood" cool, has he done anything we would have heard of? "he just finished American Pie 2..." And something else but I cant remember. Anyway, they were in that shitty little dinner place because they too, were driving across the country back to LA. We chit chatted about 9-11, and bragged that we were on our way to do a demo with a famous producer. 2 up and comers in the entertainment industry having no business in that little Italian restaurant brought together by a tragedy.

We finally made it to Chicago. It was amazing.. I had never been further than Reno and now I'm in Chicago, having just experienced "the Heartland" first hand. As we got closer to Chicago the first thing you see is the Sears Tower, realizing that now its the tallest building in America. We got a little worried that it would be the next target. We didn't get to go to the top and see the observation deck because it was, of course, closed because of the attack. There were these little reminders everywhere. Even tho we were there chasing our dream to be rockstars, it was overshadowed by what had happened. I'm trying not to say "9/11" because at that point, on 9-13, it wasn't a phrase people used yet. It was still just the other day to us.

One of the reminders which hit home with us was when Johnny got a letter from a record company colleague about songs that radio stations were pulling because of the attacks... "Anything referring to death, airplanes, buildings, bombs, fire..... "
etc etc etc... The list of songs included the obvious, "let the bodies hit the floor" by Drowning Pool and other heavy metal songs similar to that.. And the not so obvious "Benny and the jets" by Elton John and other songs by unthreatening artists with similar songs with "jets" or "plane" or "fire" in the title. It was ridiculous and our first taste of the powers that be stripping us of our rights and freedoms in the name of "the war on terrorism" Next came the Patriot act.

Jumping a few months ahead, my band ended up not signing with Maverick due to them not giving us an actual contract to sign. We gave them 2 weeks to listen to the demo. We paid for the trip out to Chicago but Johnny liked what we recorded so much, he was so confident we'd get a deal, he waived his fees and said to pay him when we got signed. With our confidence from that, at an all time high we took that demo and shopped it to every Major Label. Jump to November 2001, after months of schmoozing, showcasing for labels in LA we wake up the day we fly to NY to Showcase for Island records to find out that a plane crashed in NY. Not again! Our flight was not cancelled but delayed a few hours while they determined it wasn't connected to terrorism, by now we're just pissed because those damn terrorists are keeping us from getting a record deal. We joked that it was a plot to keep us down. We arrive in NY, play for Island records and through an odd turn of events, we end up the next day in a NY high rise meeting with the head of rock music at Columbia records. Midway through our meeting we get on the subject of September 11th and he shows us a photo of him and his son on a boat in NY harbor with the twin towers in the background. He tells us that the picture was taken on Sept. 9th and continues to share with us how he remembers that day. It was interesting to get New Yorker's perspective. It really hit us pretty hard never really thinking about how regular people, not directly affected by it, but who were in NY dealt with it all.

Jumping even further now. Its been a couple years, we have recorded our album and are out on tour. We've been so caught up in our success and living the dream it sort of took us out of reality. We knew that there was a war, we knew there was shit going on but we kind of didn't think about it. I remember one day in like Iowa or something at a truckstop diner looking up at a TV showing war news and saying jokingly "so, did we win yet?" but the hardened down-home USA patrons of the establishment didn't think it was funny. I never felt so small in my life. And it sort of put everything back into perspective for me. The war was real and people were still very patriotic and concerned with what was going on. 

In my original post this is the point at which I updated you on where I was at that time and the status of the nation but it's been almost 10 years since that original post. Unlike back in 2003, people have become disconnected with the "War on Terror". The word "Patriotism" is almost synonymous with militias and the religious right wing than over it's true meaning.  Hollywood distractions seem more and more prevalent and the auto-tuning of society is at an all time high.   Now we have a black President which did more to show us how racist of a country we still are than anything.  We caught BinLaden but we're still at war with terror.  The Middle East seems like more of a shit storm than ever. The government is spying on us. Guantanamo is still full of innocent (until proven guilty)  people. The economy has taken the most titanic shit ever.  The middle class is almost completely non-existent and the top 1% just keeps on buying the government, avoiding taxes and slowly tuning the United States into the next 3rd world country.

Happy 9-11.