Wendy, We Hardly Knew Ye

When I moved here 6 months ago there was a defunct Wendy's right as you drive into town. On it's sign marquee it said "Thanks Humboldt". It was kind of sad but not really being a huge Wendy's fan I didn't care much and was fairly confident that surely, as with most major fast food chains there would be another one somewhere near by. In all this time being here I never really gave Wendy's a second thought. Until a few days ago when I saw bulldozers tearing down the distinctly "wendy's" looking building. Now I guess you could say "yay for progress" but I kind of got nostalgic for those square patties.

Fast forward to today, when I see this post on VICE.

I'd seen the commercials, and it piqued my curiosity. And if I were back in the Bay Area that curiosity would sit and marinate until the serendipity of me being hungry and looking for a place to eat, and me passing by the next Wendy's restaurant at the same time occurred. ( the locations of which all seared into the fat kid centers of my memory like a flame broiled patty). But after reading this article, which is an awesomely horrible review of the sandwich, it brought that curiosity to the surface of my brain's taste desire region.

"Now that I’ve been sitting here with the burger for around ten minutes the stink of it is really beginning to change. It reminds me more of trash now, but maybe trash someone left out in a nice garden. There are little clumps of either the beef or the bacon in my teeth and gums that appear while I’m kind of sucking my mouth to feel the generally garbage-y feeling that begins to accompany the stink. "  -Vice.com

I know it's bad for me. I know it's awful and low quality.. but look at that bun? c'mon.  Subconsciously my brain started Googling itself for all known Wendy's locations in it's database.. and quickly striking them down based on my location.

2243 LOVERIDGE ROAD PITTSBURG, CA 94565    no!

5943 PACHECO BLVD PACHECO, CA 94553 (925) 686-2790  no!

3455 ALHAMBRA AVEMARTINEZ, CA 94553  no!

Nope, you live 300 miles from those locations now. Damn! Then my brain naturally went to the only one I've seen since I've been here in Eureka but shit, not only was it closed.. it was being bulldozed to rubble as I sit there and drool over some stupid burger. So I quickly search the real internet for the nearest Wendy's location.  There's gotta be one somewhere in the surrounding metropolises of Humboldt County... Fortuna, McKinleyville... they have to have a Wendy's right?

Wrong!

100 fucking miles away? Well there goes that dream....crushed in a pile of concrete and steel, just like the only Wendy's within 100 miles of me.

Best drive-by photo I could get.  

And before you say "why you goin to crappy fast food anyway, there's way better burger places"  There is. Actually there's some REALLY good burger places up here.. but.. they are not Wendy's and they are not the Pretzel Bacon Cheeseburger. This whole incident, as trivial as it is, really made me realize the things I took for granted when I lived in the "big city". After all, modern convenience isnt really why people come to the heart of Coastal Redwoods. Now that I'm here, I have to just appreciate where I am, and try to not be so burdened by the things I've left behind.  On that note: Currently planning a trip back home. List of things to see include, In-N-Out, Togos, Ikea and if there's time the Pretzel Bacon Cheeseburger.

UPDATE: I heard from a reliable source (guy who works at Carls Jr) that they will be rebuilding and reopening a new Wendy's. I also read [somewhere] that it closed originally because of ADA compliance issues. I dont know if any of this is actually true but I thought I'd mention it.

Wendy's Update, Update

I've previously written about my Wendy's Hamburgers restaurant situation a couple of times here. Now I should probably update my previous update by letting you all know that I found out a bit ago the construction on the property of the old Wendy's, was in fact to be a brand new Wendy's.

I drive by this location every day for my new job (yup) and have been watching it's progress.  It was scheduled to open on the day I was to return from a trip back to the Bay Area.  Roll into a rainy Eureka tonight after being away for a week. It's around 9pm and it's a ghost town. Even the usually packed Taco Bell drive thru was empty. Strange. Then I saw the crowded parking lot and drive thru line at the new Wendy's grand opening.  This apparently is where everyone was. Sorry Taco Bell.

I finally got a chance to check out the uber modern state-of-the-art flagship 2014 Wendy's.  The outside is very modern... kinda looks like this...

yea fuck me, I didnt take a pic of the outside. This is in Massachusetts.  

I actually did manage to get a pic of the inside.  Pretty schnazzy. 

Wendy's Update

So I forgot to mention that a couple weeks ago I went back down to the bay area, and one of my stops was at the Wendy's Hamburgers on Alhambra Ave. in Martinez Ca.  Guess what I ordered?

remember this post from July?

I got to finally try the coveted Pretzel Bacon Cheeseburger.  It was wonderful.  The only thing I didnt like was the lettuce. They used spinach/springmix salad as lettuce.  I prefer iceberg.

Here's mine.  I opted for the double patty 1/2lb version.  I kinda felt like shit the rest of the day but it was worth it.

I also got this as a gag gift to myself. 

It was more gag than anticipated. Tasted like someone poured used bacon grease into a bottle of expired cream soda.   Never buy this. unless you buy it just to laugh at it for a few minutes when you give it to someone.

In other news, in the location of the defunct Wendy's here in Eureka, they've started building a new something.  It's not clear what it's going to be yet but it does have a drive thru and the only thing they didn't tear down is the Wendy's sign shaped sign carcasses along the parking lot.  Maybe we'll get a new Wendy's I'll very rarely go to.

12 Pack of Cinnabons?

There is only one Taco Bell. For three cities that are full of pot smokers, the drive thru line can be quite long. Especially on Friday and Saturday nights. Although there was one exception. The Wendy's I've blogged about before was being rebuilt from the rubble a few summers ago and it's Grand Opening was to be the night we got back from a weekend trip. We roll into town around 9:00 in the evening and pass the Taco Bell. We couldnt believe it, the place was a ghost town. We wondered "are they closed for repairs or something?" "did they get shut down by the health inspector?" Then we got a little bit further down the road and by the long lines of cars and crowded parking lot we were reminded of the new Wendy's unveiling. For one special night the deprived citizens of Eureka had Wendy's, instead of Taco Bell to satisfy their late evening munchies.

One Friday night after going out I was driving my drunk friends home someone had the novel idea to go to Taco Bell. We wait in line, order and finally get to the pick up window. Since there's two groups in my car we had placed two different orders separately from the same car. I ordered some burritos, quesadilla, tacos, gorditas, standard Taco Bell fare. My friends ordered something similar. These highly trained Taco Bell employees can handle that right? Well, the window slides open and a pimply faced teen with the headset awkwardly dangling from his small head unenthusiastically confirms our order. "12 pack'a cinnabons?" I was caught off guard. 12 pack of what? I told him that wasn't our order and he asked "Well, what did you order?"


I couldnt remember my full exact order so I replied "uuuuhhhhhh, not that"  

Again he asked me "Not 12 cinnabons?"

"No we didnt order any cinnabons"

"then what did you get?"

"A quesadilla, gorditas and stuff"
"Hold on let me get my manager"

After a few minutes of him and his boss looking at screens and walking to the kitchen, an older Samoan woman comes to the window and reads off my exact order. apologizes and hands me a bag with my stuff. She leaves and zit boy comes back. I tell him we have a second order for this car. He, adjusts his headset glances at the screen a couple times then back at me as serious as a heart attack says "12 pack'a cinnabons?"

MOTHERFUCKER.  

"NO! NO ONE IN THIS CAR ORDERED ANY CINNABONS!" He disappears and the Samoan lady comes back and helps us again. When she handed us our second order I kind of hoped they'd throw in the cinnabons for our troubles. But they didnt.
Another drunken night, similar to this one a friend was visiting from out-of-town and wanted the Caramel Apple Empanada they have on their dessert menu. Alas, they were all out of them so we ended up getting a 12 pack of cinnabons after all. They were pretty fucking delicious.

Some Stories About Me and My Butthole

Dramatic artistic reenactment 

I'm sure I have had to have mentioned my poop stories in the past here but I don't think I've shared these stories here.  I could have sworn I had but I searched and couldn't find anything.  So for your entertainment: 2 new poop stories and one old one.  Well, they're all old but 2 are new to you I guess. 

The Quiche Incident
This was at my new at the time girlfriend's aunt's house for a party with her aunt's neighbors. She lived in a cool but not huge house in a nice little neighborhood and had cool but kind of hip/snobby friends/neighbors. Or at least that was my impression because I was a young bad ass and insecure.  

There were various plates of fancy foods to much on. There was a plate of mini quiche that were fucking delicious. I wolfed down several of the mini quiches because all of the other food frightened me.  I wrote a whole post about foods I wont eat. You should go check it out.  Now, I am lactose intolerant but it's not like shit-my-pants-if-I-smell-dairy intolerant. I can eat pizza and ice cream most of the time and I'm fine but there was something about these mini quiches that fucking destroyed my guts. I felt it coming and tried to wait it out. I didn't want to take a shit in her house. It wasn't a huge house and she only had one bathroom. I went outside and let out some farts to relive the pressure. Then I went to my car to try to let it pass. It didn't. I had to go. I tried to be sly. The bathroom shared a wall with the open concept kitchen. I casually ducked away into the bathroom when people weren't looking and proceeded to fucking unleash hell on that toilet. I felt better immediately but I had to deal with the smell. I opened the window. I sprayed anything I could spray. I lit the candle and thought it was ok. I mean it smelled but it's the bathroom. I felt bad if someone was waiting for me and used it right after me but for the most part I felt I was in the clear. I went back to the party and had the typical awkward time with people I didn't know. Went home and other than my girlfriend making jokes about me not being able to eat quiche, I mostly forgot about it.

Almost 20 years later I'm still with the same woman and have had many, many visits, vacations and good times with the very same aunt of hers. While on a recent trip with the aunt and girlfriend the quiche incident comes up in conversation. Her aunt laughs and says something about how bad it smelled. Wait what? You knew? You could smell it? Still laughing she informed me that everyone at the party could smell it and wondered what it was. At one point there was concern of a sewer or gas leak. It ended up just being a funny moment for her and her guests but NO ONE EVER TOLD ME.  For 20 years I thought I had gotten away with it. I thought the window and candle and spritzes covered up the smell. Oh well. I haven't eaten quiche since.

The Panamanian Shuffle
Not long after moving to a small rural city 5 hours away from the bay area a neighbor we had made friends with was flying out of Oakland Airport the same weekend we were driving down to see family.  On the way to the airport we stopped at Chili's for dinner.  Normal, safe mediocre Chili's.   I should note that this friend had never been to a real "city" before and she was excited to be flying out of the Oakland. The airport isn't' in the best part of Oakland. It's not all bad along the normal route Google tells you to take,  but a traffic detour... or should I say, the police closing a whole-ass major intersection for reasons we could only speculate on, took us through a part of East Oakland that people passing through on the way to the airport don't usually go.  And since it was after dinner the sun was starting to go down and it was becoming– well it was getting to be night time in the hood. I was driving and while our friend was "ooh"ing and "ahh"ing at things happening out the windows she'd only seen in movies and TV, my guts were starting to bubble. It came on quick and I tried to play it cool. There was nowhere to stop and find a bathroom so I kept quiet and clinched. hard. Once we got closer to the outer airport area there were gas stations and fast food places. I blurted out "I gotta shit bad" and abruptly turned into a gas station that had a Starbucks on one side of the parking lot and a Wendys inside of a gas station situation on the other side. I parked haphazardly kind of in the middle next to the air and water station and carefully glided to the Starbucks. The one bathroom they had was occupied and I waited for like 10 seconds and looked up - the brightly lit Wendy's sign across the parking lot came into focus. I then, trying to be casual and not shit my pants booked it past my car and to the Wendy's/Gas station. The Men's was occupied but the women's was open and I said fuck it. While I was in there my GF was texting me that they saw me fly by them in the parking lot and later made fun of my butt-clench, straight leg waddle at hypers peed.  Since I'm 1/4 Panamanian for some reason they coined it "the Panamanian Shuffle"  Now any time I have to poo or am running to the bathroom she says "Panamanian Shuffle"  
Fucking Chili's.

Friday Night Poops
This is kind of a PYMHM but it fits the theme.  
Late December 2006.  This is an old one folks from the glory days of the noggins. Italics is 2025 me talking about 2006.
We got this new heater/ceiling fan thing for xmas that wasn't working so my dad and I switched out the light switch and checked all the breakers to make it work... it still doesn't work. The whole time we were rushing because it was Celeste's 12th birthday and we were supposed to meet at the Mexican restaurant down the street. We got there just in time. I got a carnitas burrito which was hella good but had more cheese in it/on it than I expected. I didn't take a Lactaid (here's that lactose intolerance again) but didn't think it would be a big deal. (because it never is right?) after I finished I started to get the bubble guts and knew I needed a toilet fast. No one at the table realized how serious my situation was.They kept saying "were almost ready we're leaving soon" but they hadn't even got the check yet.
So I'm sitting there with a crazy stomach and bubbling insides, in a cold sweat ready to shoot hot shit all over the place. Finally we pay and get up to leave. My ass is clinched tighter than a nuns cunt on Easter as I try to walk to the car. (pre-Panamanian shuffle!) we only live 2 blocks away thankfully. We get to the house and before the car stops I'm halfway to the stairs. Running trying hard to keep the shit in. I must have taken too wide a stride while running and about three of my steps were accompanied by a squirt, squiiiirrrt. oh fuck "Meg I think I shit my pants" she only laughs. before I could think about the implications of shitting myself I get on the toilet and unleash like Eisenhower on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I was in there for a good 30 minutes. and another 15 cleaning myself. After that, exhausted, I joined the rest of the family just in time for present opening and cake.  I passed on the cake.

After all hullabaloo from the party we went back up to our room to call it a night. Meg walks in first and hits the newly installed light switch. At that split second the lights turn on then we hear a pop and then everything goes black. Our first thought was oh shit we wired it wrong and it blew the power to the whole house. Then meg saw a blue flash and we turned around then realized the power was out on the whole street.. Then after we walked around in the moonlight realized that it was all of down town. I talked to my dad the next day who lives on the other side of town and he said his power was out too. It was out for like 2 hours. Pretty eerie when everything is off. It was complete silence other than the sirens of EMT's and Ambulances going to the old folks home down the street. Thats gotta suck. We tried to read a book by flashlight but Meg kept talking about shadow people and freaking me out. Then all the sudden zzhhhhhoooom everything came back on. still haven't heard what caused it...maybe a squirrel chewed a wire or something... I guess it happens tho.  I think this actually ended up being a possum that got fried at the power station.  I also have a memory of hearing what sounded like a raccoon dying in the bushes across the street during the silence when the power was out. Maybe that was another time. 

Almost Everything's New at Burger King

Remember the Burger King I posted about a while back that was still sucking while they were getting all the business while  the McDonalds next door was closed while it was getting remodeled? Well I guess they decided that it wasn't the shitty customer service that was taking away business. They decided to hop on the bandwagon and do a facelift as well. But I think they also kept the inept managers and hired a bunch of new pimply faced tweenysomethings that don't know shit.  It seems like every single employee's first day on the job at this Burger King right now. It's a complete clusterfuck.  They accidently gave my order to the guy before me and the lady had to run out to his car to give him the right one. Then they completely forget and skip my number. Finally the manager comes by and says "who's burger is this?"  it ended up being mine. They gave me extra onion rings to smooth it out.

Also, they have one of those new menus that's several big flat-screen monitors. One of them looks like Barry Bonds fouled one off on it. It's been like that for a while. But even after a recent full indoor and outdoor corporate remodel of the place, the menu screen is still broken. Priorities I guess. It's like the Applebee's here that got all new signs but they didn't repaint over where the old bigger signs were.

I cant say for sure or not but I can't blame the major food conglomerates for fucking up details like that. I think it's either lack of communication from the local franchise or that the morons that run the place don't notice or care.

You never see McDonalds or Taco Bell fucking shit up. And the Wendy's here nailed it. Their new restaurant is perfect.

Level 5 Burger Wrapper

a while back I was talking to a friend of mine and turns out he works at In and Out Burger, he was bragging about how he just got sent to open a new store in Lodi. Lodi is a piece of shit i dont know why he was bragging. but it gave me the impression he had some kind of managment position there so i asked him if he could do me a favor. I wanted him to tell whoever he could to consider adding bacon and onion rings to thier menu. He said he'd ask. I talked to him again today and this is our conversation. We get to the bottom of all the secret menu items, and what really goes into an In and Out burger. It's kinda usless and we both overuse the "lol" abbreviation.



enjoy.
me: so how'd the bacon and onion rings question go over?
him: very well, i still have a job, even though i shouldnt lol
me: ooh, so did they consider it? .. the bacon and onion rings? that would seriously make my day
him: they hated that idea
me fuck, that sucks. hey also, could you find out if the rumors of them building a new In & Out in Pleasant Hill next to BestBuy, are true? is that information you'd be privy to?
him: the next openings are temecula and industrial city, ill ask about pleasant hill
me: temecula is a strip-mall in the desert.
me: whats your job title again?
him: level 5 boardperson
me: whats that mean? do you have to wear a tie and shit?
him: i wrap all the burgers
me: lol
him: so, no lol. it goes level 1-6..(6 being a cook) level 7 is part time managment and then it goes 4th manager 3rd, 2nd, and head manager
me: ha ha! didnt you say you were important.. not to say wrapping burgers isnt important.. but they made you go somewhere to open a new store
him: yeah cuz im a fast and efficient worker
me: oh damn, you made it sound like you were big time.
him: its really easy to tell who is good at their jobs... and who isnt
him: but bacon sounds pretty good right now
me: bacon, hell yea!
me: thats a sign this country is going to the shitter...when there are bad burger wrappers.
him: lol there have always been bad burger wrappers man... SINCE THERE WAS MAN... THERE WAS THE BAD BURGER WRAPPER MAN.
me: lol
him: the polotics at In n out are rediculous though. everything is about reputation
me: that would be a good cartoon. monkeys with burgers and wrapping.. one thats fucking it all up and 2 other ones doing it perfect looking at him and shaking thier heads
him: lol, that would be the greatest
me: "A MOST monkey's could do it"
him: the art of wrapping the purfect burger lol. ya know, i could teach u kirk
me: i could wrap a fucking burger.. hey,: is there an In and Out Olympics?
him: its tough when the cook is running 4 rows of 6-8 meat patties on you. that means that the burgers are coming off every minute so you have one minute to make 6-8 bottoms the way everyone wants it. its hella stressfull
me: damn. Nevermind, maybe i couldnt. i cant handle that kind of stress. its a crazy fast food world
me: so what are all the secret ways to order shit?
how much crap can you create with 4 ingredients?
him: there are tons of ingredients man, they're just not on the menu
me: everything except bacon!
him: we have a guy that comes in every week who brings his own bacon and shit for his burger
me: lol that fucking rules!!!!
him: lol
me: so what are the secret menu items
him: you can get grilled onions on your burger
me: lol weak. they ask you that when you order. I'm talking about the secret ones, like the 4X4 and Animal Fries and shit.
him: you can get animal style (grilled onion, pickle, extra spread, mustard fried into the patty)
me: mustard fried into the patty!? fuck yea
him: its dope
me: ok what else is there
him: ummmmm.... animal fry is 2 pieces of cheese, grilled onion and spread on them
me: oh.. thats what i thought
him: u can get katsup or mustard on shit instead of spread.
me: you want me to stop talking about your job?
him: lol i dont care man, i love my job
me: i dont mind the spread.. just happy they dont drench it in mayo. wtf is that shit. wendy's is famous for that shit. then if you say subsitute mustard they put a midget penis squirt of it in the middle of the bun.
him: lol... u can order your burger med-rare, or get ur bun xtra toasted or lightly toasted. you can get ur fries and ur burger well done
me: so far total ingredients include:
katsup,mustard, spread (which may just be the two mixed), bun, cheese, pickle, onion, & burger. thats like 8
dumbdrum611: oh yea potato. which i assume only comes in fry form
him: yeah thats pretty much it. oh and theres lettuce.
me: so 10. thats more than 4 but its still not that much stuff to make all the different things out of.
me: i thought there were more secret menu shit
him: oh yeah... u can get a flying dutchman, a veggie burger, and a grilled cheese... the condoments a limited but we still have a lot of options
me: flying dutchman.. lol whats that?
him: its a double-double with no bun or anything with just mustard meat and cheese
me: lettuce? lol
him: oh yeah, u can get protein style too
me: most places call that the "low carb burger"
him: no there isnt even lettuce on the flying dutchman
me: a veggie burger? you actually have veggie patties? or is it a cheap way to say cheese burger with no cheese or meat.
him: lol yeah, you can make any of the burgers you would order "protein style" which is low carb
me: ha ha figures. in and out is kind of hooptie.
him: nah not at all
me1: the menu sign should say we have 10 ingredients, combine them any way you want. (it's fun!)
him: lol ... its 10xs better of a product than mcdonalds or any other place for that matter
me: but mcdonalds sacrifices quality for quantity.. sometimes i want variety.. at any cost
me: on the variety tip, Jack In the Box has the most shit.
him: well quality is what the company is all about, and they wont sacrifice quality for anything. they're the Schnyders
me: Schnyders? the guys with the Fez's that ride around on mo-peds and go-carts?
FOXDirtBag: ha ha, no the family that owns In and Out.
me: oh.. i was thinking of the Shriners.
dumbdrum611: i saw some shriners at a mall in portland once. i got my pic taken with one of them.. i wish i had that pic.
him: right on.

In-N-Out Fantasy Menu PYMHM

Since my secluded little city, Eureka California is about to have it's very own In N Out Burger and because of this current health pandemic we're in,  it's going to open without the full fanfare it deserves.  In honor of this event, I thought I'd bring back this classic  Post You Might Have Missed.   



TFW a customer orders off the secret menu.

A while back I ran into an old friend who happened to be a manager at an In N Out.  The subject of the secret menu came up and he confirmed everything I could find and more.  He pretty much shot down more obscure items I'd seen on the internet like The Monkey Style and the Inside Out but what was the most intriguing for me was the stuff the employees make for themselves that aren't on the regular menu or the secret menu. So that got me thinking of other shit you could make, not necessarily order, with the limited ingredients available
to you in a standard In N Out kitchen.   Ground beef, potato, lettuce, onion, tomato, In N Out Spread, condiments, pickles, cheese, buns French Fries etc. They also have hot peppers by request. Don't forget the milkshakes!

 

So without further ado, I give you the In and Out Fantasy Menu. Things you technically can make but can't and probably should never order.



"Monkey Style" 
Any burger with fries in it.
I know this was on there before but since its been denied, we'll put it in here.  I had heard this was actually on the Secret Menu but it has been confirmed to not be.



"Inside Out" 
This is any burger with the bun flipped around and grilled. to look and feel like sourdough. I'd heard this being able to order too. Sometimes called the "Grilled Sourdough" but it's not real. 

And now for the items my friend Jimbo and I came up with along with giving clever names to the stuff my friend from In N Out told me about.
(some of this might be NSFW)   



"Dirty Sanchez" K

2  x 4 with peppers and extra grilled onions on a burger with no lettuce.



"Hash Browns" K

Fries smashed on the grill and then fried in the fryer.

"Brunch” K
Add Hash Browns to any burger. Add extra cheese. 



"Onion Rings" K

Deep fried onions instead of grilled



"Rodeo Style" K

Add Onion Rings to any burger



"Mustard Style" K
Mustard cooked burger with extra pickles and mustard and extra lettuce.



“Hot Carl" K

Mustard Style with peppers. No lettuce.



“Grandma's Meatloaf" K

Ketchup soaked cooked patty with ketchup and grilled onions"


"Road Kill"  K and In N Out guy.
 
Animal Fries, with chopped patty, covered in ketchup.



"Leather Style" J

Well done burger (possibly even burnt) and extra toasted bun. Dry, no condiments or toppings.



"Leatherface”  J, K
Leather Style with extra ketchup and cheese. (served with a knife)



"Spuds Mackenzie" K

Grilled Cheese with Fries cooked in.



"Sloppy Joe" K, In N Out Guy

Chopped up meat, grilled onions and In N Out Spread.



"DIY style” J

Everything on the side. Can be ordered with any burger



"The Twins" J

A Double Double Split open and open faced.  One patty and cheese on each half of the bun

.

“Big Fish Eats Little Fish” J

Double Double with a regular cheese burger in between the Meat of the double double



“The Tim Taylor" K

4 open packets of artificial sweetener served with a plastic knife and a straw.





“Heart Attack Special" K

5 x 10, or 5 patties 10 cheese, 2 for each patty. Raw onions. Substitute mayo.



“Guerra Del  Corazón Especial” K

Heart Attack Special with hot peppers and grilled onions. 



"BIG FOOT” K
A 
4 x 4 Animal Style with peppers, fries and no lettuce.

“Cheese Volcano Burger" J
A Double Double with 3 cheese slices melted on the top of the bun.

"The Present” J
Well Done Fries wrapped in a lettuce leaf with a tomato on top.


“Sticks in The Mud"  J

Fries with Chocolate shake on top (Dine-In Only)

“Atkins Sucks! Style" J
2 sets of (4) buns on any burger.



"The Poop Fry" In N Out Guy

Chopped up patty, chopped tomatoes,  cheese, peppers and grilled onion on fries.  (He said they actually make this for themselves)



"Sourdough Bacon Swiss"  K

Inside Out toasted buns with one mustard soaked patty cooked extra well done, second patty med well. with mayonnaise, tomato and grilled onions.



"Hemorrhoids" K

Deep fried burger chunks with ketchup.



"Lincoln Logs"  J

4 x 4 with fries between each layer

"Log Cabin”  K

A small structure of carefully stacked alternating Fries with a single burger cut into 4 pieces inside.



“Zombie Fingers" K

French fries dipped in ketchup then deep fried.



“Twigs & Berries" K

Burnt patty chopped up with fries and grilled onions

"Swamp Style" J
2- Cheese Burgers stuffed into a medium drink cup filled with Coca-Cola.



"Monte Cristo" K

A Double Double with grilled onions. The whole thing gets deep fried and sprinkled with a sugar packet and drizzled with strawberry shake mix. 



“Beef and Chips” J

Hamburger patty cut in to strips served over Well Done Fries.



"fish n chips” J,K

Beef and Chips, mayo mixed with chopped up pickles on the beef and extra salt on the fries.



“Turds" K

Strips of med well patty deep fried and served with a selection of condiments on the side for dipping.



“Golden Nuggets" K

A variation of Turds. Strips of burger coated heavily with mustard and deep fried. Served with mustard.



“Dead Man's Bed" J

10 x10 (10 patties, 10 cheese)  served on a bed of Animal Style Fries.



“Ronald Style" K

One patty, med. Cheese, ketchup, mustard, pickle and chopped raw onion.
Smashed flat after its made. 



“The Big Mick" K

3 buns (one in the middle) 2 patties, 2 cheese with In N Out Spread and mayo, chopped onions, pickles and chopped lettuce. Served inside two French Fry boats. 



"Fried Ice Cream" K

Scoop of Vanilla Milk Shake poured into a bed of toasted bun crumbs, rolled and flash deep fried. Served in a Small Drink Cup. topped with chocolate milk shake flavoring.


“Chocolate Cow-Tail" In N Out Guy

Chocolate Shake and Coke (He’s tried is and says its pretty good)



“Wendy’s Pigtails” K

Any shake with french fries in it.



"Pina Colada" K

Root Beer, Dr. Pepper, and Orange soda with Vanilla Shake and 10 sweet & low packets.

This is where the original list ended but with the help of fellow bloggers and friends we came up with a ridiculous amount of stupid menu items.  It got so crazy I created a separate blog for all of our ideas and related articles we would come across.  This blog has been dormant for almost a decade so it might be a little rough around the edges but if you want to dive deeper into this ludicrous above-ground swimming pool that is this topic, click the link to check out The In-N-Out Fantasy Menu Blog.  Shortly after I published this MAXIM Magazine did a piece on the Secret Menu and mistakenly suggested a few of the fake Fantasy Menu items from my list.  The comments section on the online post was hilarious.  There were quite a few comments that went something like "I tried to order (insert stupidly fake name) and they said I couldnt order it, what the hell Maxim!?"  I had a considerable surge in traffic that week on a blog that was created mainly just for me and a few funny people who were bored.


Thanks for reading, and don't try to order these.  I hope this pandemic dies down so we can all properly enjoy our new In N Out when it eventually opens.

Stay safe, stay home, wash your hands.  We can get through this if we just stop being stupid and selfish.  Thank you too all the essential workers out there keeping things running while everyone stays home and complains about spending time with their kids.

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