Cooking with Kirk. Holiday Eggnog Waffles Edition.

Oprah. Loves. Bread...  and I love waffles!  ...and eggnog!

Ok, first of all, let me start with whole my deal with waffles.  At some point in history it was decided that all waffles at restaurants and all retail-sold waffle makers would be of the thick, bready, Belgian waffle variety. A sub-par choice compared to the thinner more traditional flat, round and crispy waffle. It's like the thinner superior waffles ended up being the BetaMax of waffles and Belgian, the inferior VHS.  And whenever you see waffles on the menu, with a very few exceptions its really waffle–singular.  One fucking thick, stupid waffle for $7.00.  And if it's part of a breakfast combo, as it is with pancakes or french toast, they charge $12.00 and there's no potatoes or toast.  Pancake/French-toast/Waffle is NOT a substitution for toast.  Toast is how you eat your over-easy eggs.  So when I do order an extra side of toast don't bring my food,  say "your toast will be right up" and then NEVER COME BACK.  I cant eat my eggs without the toast lady.  I can't be alone on this?  


Knowing my passion for waffles my lovely Girlfriend got me a traditional thin waffle iron.  I've been using it and experimenting with recipes ever since.  I've got a pretty decent recipe down but every once in a while I mess around and try new things.  Since it's the holidays and we have a fresh 1/2 gallon carton of eggnog  in the fridge I decided to use it to make waffles.  Eggnog, like waffles is one of my favorite things in the whole world.  

 I hate that you can only get it during this time of the year.   One time on summer break from high school some friends and I were all talking about how we all loved eggnog and then were all like "dude why cant you get eggnog at any other time other than Christmas time?"  So we found a recipe in an old cookbook and made it. I thought It was kinda eggy but my drinkin' friends put half a bottle of Moe's stepdad's whiskey in it and decided it was the best eggnog they'd ever had.   I've heard some places have Easter Eggnog in the Springtime.  I have not yet seen this with mine own eyes.

Homer has the right idea here. Stockpile the stuff! 

Back to the waffles.  I basically just subbed out the milk for eggnog and added some nutmeg and a little cinnamon for that holiday spice.   I topped them with real maple syrup and a little slice of cranberry sauce.  Hella good!  

Here's my secret recipe:
DISCLAIMER: I make this without any measuring cups or spoons every time so I'm not really sure of the exact amounts of shit.

Start with more than a cup of flour. Not quite 2 cups. 

About a tablespoon and half of sugar. Like a palm full. 

About 1/2 teaspoon of baking powder. (not soda) 

A couple shakes of nutmeg and cinnamon. (this is to boost the eggnog flavor. I usually don't add this)

Kinda whisk that together.  

Just one egg.  (I've seen recipes that beat the whites separately until thick then fold them in but fuck that shit. Seems like too much work for a damn waffle. We're not changing a tire on the star track millennium enterprise here) 

Like...  a tablespoon veg oil.  I just eyeball it and pour it in. 
I've started experimenting with adding more oil and about some corn starch but I didn't for this.

Eggnog.  I usually use milk, sometimes if I'm out of milk, I've used water or sour cream or cool whip or vanilla ice cream...Ive even mixed up powdered coffee creamer into some hot water and used that but this time of course, I used straight up eggnog. 
– I pour and mix, and pour and mix until its about the thickness of waffle batter. 

I usually add about half a cap of vanilla extract but I didn't this time because of the nog. 

–Mix until mixed.

Makes about 4 waffles.  FYI: As I mentioned before I have a proper, thin waffle maker. Not a stupid thick belgian waffle maker. Amount of waffles may vary. 

TIP: I've seen people suggest having the oven on low, and put them in the oven as you're making them so they aren't soggy when you're done with the batch.  I don't do this because if I dont eat them one at a time while I'm cooking them, I'll just throw them in a freezer bag for later.   Just pop them in the toaster like Eggos.  But home-made fucking rad Eggos. 


 Ok nerds, that's it.  Nog and Waffle and waffle and nog until your colon falls out!  Marry Chrustmus.

A PSA About How To Drive Properly

Back in 2010 I read an article about lawmakers in Colorado passing a law called the "Left Lane Law" to get people to stop driving in the passing lane. Before it went into effect the police were pulling people over to tell them about the law, and most of the people they talked to said they were driving in the passing lane in order to slow down traffic. The cops were like, "uh, not your job asshole.”  This is still a big problem in California and I’m sure bad in other places as well. 

Highway 80 through Berkeley.  SUCKS!

I can say confidently that I'm an experienced commute driver. Having traversed one of the top 5 worst commutes in the country for a large portion of my adult life. I have seen first-hand on a near daily basis how this  type of driving creates more traffic and accidents. It is stupid and unsafe.  When people say, as the CO. police said, that they do it on purpose to control the speed of traffic… this one of my biggest pet peeves and I've literally argued with people on the internet over.  These assholes  think they're doing the world a service by intentionally impeding traffic.  "I'm going the speed limit and they should too"  Said with the furious footdownedness of a coupon cutting soccer mom.

In heavy commutes its pretty cut-throat and if you're in the left lane, you should be going as fast as possible. That's just how it is. If you're going 80 someone will be trying to go 85 behind you. Get over if you can, you not always can.. but... if it's 4:00 on a tuesday and you're lollygagging at 65 in the left lane, or worse trying to prove a point people will tailgate you and try to pass you on the right and get angry. This is unsafe, creates congestion and back-ups. it's a chain reaction. 

Here is a really good article breaking down how different states handle the left lane and the impact hanging out there in the way can have.  digitaltrends.com/cars/left-lane-driving-discipline

Another thing that pisses me off is scared drivers. If you get freaked out by traffic or high speeds you need not have a driver's license. When people wont pass a semi truck or bus, or when people drive 100 miles slower in a tunnel. Or people who cant figure out how to merge onto the highway. Or people who hesitate to change lanes. Don’t even get me started on parking lots. 

In most places (like where I live in Humboldt) this will never really factor in, but in a major commute area or in a large city this shit doesn’t fly. Put your grown-up pants on or call an Uber. If you are scared of driving, please don’t for everyone's sake. 

If you're a scared driver, just google "scared drivers" and see a list of great articles and videos geared to help people like you figure your shit out.  

Also this time of year many people who rarely drive in stressful situation, or at all, are out there shopping and traveling and parking. Be aware of idiot inexperienced scared stupid shit-head drivers from Halloween to New Year's Eve. Speaking of New Year's Eve, watch out for drunkies this time of year as well.  Just don't drink and drive. or just be like me and don't drink. 

This has been you Kirknoggins Public Service Announcement.

The Dot Com Era Has Ended

Sorry folks if you didnt notice already, I let www.kirknoggins.com domain expire.  Not that any of you had it bookmarked or even knew it was a dot com.  It was just one more thing to pay for that I felt like I didnt need.  So if you're bookmarking or using a shortcut, remap it back to kirknoggins.blogspot.com just like the good ol' days. 

Also...fancy new header image.  

PYMHM lite: I Invented Twitter.

Yup, that's what I said. 

Twitter is in the news literally on a daily basis now and it got me thinking about something I did way back in 2006. It was a year after finally ditching Myspace blogs and creating the 'Noggins on blogger.com.  After picking up steam jotting down my nonsense stories and reviews about things I felt like I needed a way to post shorter stupid quick thoughts I had.  A mini-blog of sorts so that I didn't have to create a whole new blog post just for a short number of words.  I got some help form Jimbo and built the code within the confines of Blogger and put it in the side bar.  I called it the Mininoggins.  It didnt last very long because it was essentially a second blogger account I'd have to access to post and check on.  I thought of it though... sharing thoughts in a limited amount of text.  In the years after I ditched it, Twitter has become a media juggernaut.  It's even the chosen platform of our Cheeto-in-Chief to address the nation. 

But just know, it was my idea.  I haven't seen one crumb of acknowledgment or royalty from it.

Here's a screenshot of the original noggin from 2010.  Pardon the crude language and mention of Google Buzz.   Google Buzz was an early Google attempt at social media.  It ended up being what we know now as Google Plus.

See the mininoggins.  click here.

A Poignant PYMHM RE: The Shallow Entertainment Industry

All of the press about Harvey Weinstein lately and the #MeToo social media campaign got me thinking of a post I did 10 years ago that highlights some of this same attitude that was, had been for a long time, and still is prevalent in not only the entertainment business but all aspects of society.  I wrote about a friend who had just gotten a blast of ugly reality from a supposed music industry big-wig.  So here's this Post You Might Have Missed from the early days of the Kirknoggins way back in  2007. 

 I mention my now defunct but still existing Music Industry rant blog called BOYCOTT THE MUSIC INDUSTRY.  I was still pretty bitter about my then band Fingertight's short-lived success and all the crap I saw first hand when being on the inside of the machine. There's still some good stuff there if you feel like checking it out. 

"you must be EXTREMELY attractive" 

Originally published: Jul 11, 2007

One of the ugliest men in show business sang the lyrics "What would you do if i sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me?" Back then? Maybe.  People had a much higher standard of music. Now days it wouldn't matter because to have a popular song, he'd already be good enough looking and have such rad dance moves that his lyrics and voice wouldn't matter. On top of that he'd be lip syncing or singing under prerecorded backing vocal tracks.

My point is, today, vocal, instrumental and lyrical talent doesn't matter. Is all about the image. The pre-packaged product.

The reason I bring this up is because a friend of mine was looking to start an all-female rock band and posted an ad online. In my Boycott The Music Industry blog I posted one of the responses from a guy from an "Established L.A. based entertainment company" . It encapsulates one of the things that are very wrong with music industry today.

After he name drops a handfull of major networks, film companies and magazines, (of course no record companies. After all this was an ad for a musical group right?) He then proceeds to ooze slime with every keystroke. Here are some excerpts;

• "The only pre-requisite is that you must be EXTREMELY attractive, a beautiful face and Magnificent body, as this is the current wave in all areas of the entertainment industry." He carefully follows this statement with assurance to her that this isn't for any X-rated or Adult work. Also note that none of the 'pre-requisites' are musical ability.
• "If you are a female actress, model, vocalist, musician, or dancer, and you feel you meet our pre-requisite and standards, and you are interested, please e-mail Photos (at least one head shot and one body shot, although a few of each would be preferred)" Is there a casting couch involved?
• the fact is that business is business, and there is a reason why there are no new Aretha Franklins and Mellissa Ethridges bursting on to the scene. Even people that talented would not get record deals today, but there are many young ladies with a fraction of Aretha's voice, signing multi-million dollar deals, because of their face and body. And because you're a fucking douche bag perpetuating this kind of attitude in the music industry.
• I cannot change society, or what the masses at large want, the reason labels look for beauty, is because it sells, and it sells because that is what people want.

Who else wants to punch this guy in the throat? What is the most fucked up is that he's right. This is the sad state of the music industry. It may not 100% reflect what the masses want tho. But even if that is what the masses want... the masses are stupid by design. They've been conditioned. if you don't give them a choice of real talent they will pick the good looking hack.

Look back to the 70's ... Real song writers with great songs making hits that become classics. Many of them were UGLY by today's standards! But it didn't matter. it was good music by talented people.

The industry is insulting us by giving us vacuous celebrity with nothing to offer but eye candy thinking thats all we will accept. There's room for heart throbs but don't confuse pretty faces with talented artists.

Douche bags like this need to be stabbed in the crotch by robot scorpions.

Check out the full E-Mail here.  

Red Velvet Cake is a Fucking Lie

I went most of my life without ever trying Red Velvet cake. It just wasn't a thing that existed in my life.  Maybe it's because of I grew up in Northern California and Red Velvet was more of a Southern U.S. thing.   Maybe because I was raised by forward-thinking parents and had intelligent friends.  Who knows? I'd never even heard of it before seeing the famous armadillo cake in Steel Magnolias.  Then some time in my 30's, out in the wilds of the world it was at some party I was at and I tried it. 

But one told me what it was supposed to taste like. 

Anyone who knows me well knows I have set up some seemingly arbitrary food rules for what I will eat. Such as:  If it smells like vinegar, don't eat it. If it's a creamy dairy food that isn't ice cream or whipped cream, stay away. Pickles are not supposed to be sweet.  For savory food I usually avoid red colored foods because they are basically ketchup or ketchup based.  It's a whole different ball-game for dessert foods. Most people will probably agree with me on this one... red dessert foods will taste like cherry, raspberry or strawberry.  That's pretty standard and has never steered me wrong other than with this stupid cake. 

When I ate Red Velvet cake for the first time, obviously I was expecting a rich, sweet, acidic berry flavor, which of course never came. I thought someone fucked up when they made it. Then it was explained to me that it wasn’t supposed to be fruit flavored.  What the fuck is it then?    I asked what flavor it was supposed to be because it just tasted like regular-ass cake to me.  No one could really tell me what flavor it was. Some said they thought it was chocolate but that's just stupid.  I know what chocolate cake tastes like, this was not that.  So it would seem that it’s just red for no fucking reason and has cream cheese frosting. What’s the big fucking deal? 

I did some digging on the internets and found that it dates back to the 1800's and was originally just a softer  more "velvet" texture cake because of the ingredients they used.   It didn't turn red until 1930's when congress was lobbied hard to pass a law that lowered regulations for food coloring.  And some dick-head food dye tycoon in Texas popularized it as a red cake just to sell more food dye. So it's red because of capitalism.   If some hipster tells you it's red because in the depression they didn't have many ingredients and had to use beets  to sweeten the cake batter they're full of shit. It was because some fuck-stick wanted to make more money.

It got popular again because of that shitty movie Steel Magnolias (Julia Roberts' character dies.  No Spoiler Alert that movie can eat shit)  for some reason now it's trendy-as-fuck.  They're making cupcakes, pop-tarts and god damn Oreos now.  Just add red dye to the normal shit and we can sell more units... Genius!!!  

Also I'm not alone.  The Joy of Cooking and James Beard think it sucks too.  

You don't like Red Velvet cake. You just like cake and you're supporting a dessert based on corruption and greed.  Be ashamed. 

The Fisherman

Just about everyone has a ghost story. People like to tell them this time of year.  Either a friend or family member has a good story or you yourself saw something you cant explain.  Mine is less scary, and more of a "Well, I don't know, but I know I saw it" kind if story.  Whatever you believe spiritually, seeing something is undeniable if you saw it with your own eyes.  I call this, The Fisherman. 

My street  © Google Maps

This happened when I was around 3 years old. My parents still live in the same house I lived in back then. Not a scary old victorian or out in the middle of a field or deep in the woods. Just a regular 1950's two-bedroom, one-bath tract house in a neighborhood of similar houses. I'd heard stories that in the 1900's this was all farmland and the main farm house was on the hill west of our street. An old man that lived across the street when I was a kid told stories of when he was a kid. How he had to bring his family sow across the field that was now our street, straight through what is now our yards, to get 'serviced' by the farmers' bull. 

This house has a small laundry room right off the kitchen. Through the doorway from the kitchen you can see the dryer and part of the washer to the right of it. Beyond that, out of view from the kitchen is a back door that leads to a small wooden porch and the driveway. The door has a window and back then probably had a curtain of some kind. It was after sunset and probably dark outside.  I was standing next to the dryer, facing the back door when I saw something. I turned to my parents who were sitting at the table at the other end of the kitchen and said "Mommy, who's this nice man" My parents freaked. Naturally. They got up and ran towards me, fearing there was a stranger in the house. When they got to me, there was no one there. 

artist rendition.

What I saw was an adult sized man. And the best way for me as a 3 year old to describe it was that it was a fisherman. The classic Gorton's Fish Sticks fisherman. Rain slicker, big floppy hat, beard, etc. But what was unusual, other than there being a random fisherman in the laundry room, was that he was made of pure blue glowing translucent light. And why I said "who is this nice man" was because he seemed to just give off good vibes. Pure niceness. So, even as a small child seeing a stranger, I didn't feel scared of threatened in any way. My parents were creeped the fuck out though. Later my mom told me I drew him with crayons. Blue crayon. I wish I had it still.

So, not scary. Weird, definitely unexplainable. Over the years I've tried to make some sense of it.  The fact that my hometown was on a bay and had a thriving fishing industry but our house was so far from the water.  Like I said it was in a grazing field. For all I know, clothes that looks like a robe, hat that looks like a hood, beard, good vibes, it could have been God or something.  I don't believe in that shit so I dunno.  Maybe I ate too many fish sticks that night.

Some strange stuff did happen later in that house that may or may not be related. A guitar playing by itself. My aunt's friend being touched on her shoulder, my mom and aunt being prevented from watching Gorillas in the Myst on VHS. One drunken Saturday night my mom was up by herself and maybe something happened but she started yelling at "the fisherman" and told him to move on. Drunken Exorcist could be a great new reality show idea. Nothing else happened after that. For all I know the alcohol and 80's party drugs my parents' friends were into back then may have had something to do with all of the activity they experienced.  I never witnessed any of it. The paranormal activity I mean... I witnessed way too much of the partying as a youth that I needed to.

If you have a ghost story leave it in the comments. 

Happy Halloween!

The Garbage Police

I just took a load of yard trash to the city dump and the cops were there. I was worried they were going to bust me for throwing away the wrong recyclable thing but then a big crappy City of Eureka truck full of shit backed up to where they were. The cops were searching it as they dumped it. I wondered if it was from a Squires property that got condemned again. Also there's no such thing as the Garbage Police. Maybe there is but I can't imagine Eureka has the budget for something like that. They should tho. Our planet is a shit-hole and if there was cops with guns at the dumps less people would throw away batteries and microwaves and shit.

Right after I went to McDonald's down the street for lunch and there was a more-than-normal amount homeless types. There was this old guy with long grey hair and a beard in a wheelchair that all of the young ones were talking too. It was like he was the leader. Or the elder of the tribe. I think I heard one of them call him Animal. They all seemed to be concerned about a particular recent event or planning to organize in some way. Whenever I see the young tweaker homeless people interact with the old ones I always wonder if they realize that they're on the path to becoming he old grizzly tweaker bum, or why doesn't the older ones encourage the younger ones to get their shit together so they don't end up like them. Oh well, drugs are a hell of a drug.

I started sort of eve's dropping at this point and heard them talking about their camps being raided and everything taken away in a big crappy truck. That must have been it.

So now they scurry the town like bugs under an upturned stone and look for a new rock to hide under. I hope that our country can change. The problems that cause this are so institutionalized now that the hole is almost too deep to dig out of.

PYMHM Nancy Grace is a Cunt Edition.

This Post You Might Have missed takes us back to 2013 when I saw a commercial for Nancy Grace's TV show and got all pissed off and wrote this blog post.  I never stopped hating that bitch but recently started watching The Murder of Laci Peterson on A&E and she's all up in that shit.  Footage from back then, her talking about the case now.   It goes into what an overall shit-show it was back then.  People still seem to be really into true life crime but in a slightly different way.

 Recently the popularity of true-crime like Making a Murderer and the Serial podcast series still let the average joe froth at the mouth over theories... but without fucking up the case.  Because , just like this Laci Peterson series, and the recent OJ Simpson documentary, they all take place after the fact.  They let you form an opinion after actually seeing all the evidence, what the jury actually saw, and sometimes facts that were illicitly omitted by police or the prosecution.  Often the viewer ends up being sympathetic to the accused party.  It's funny that the same people that want to hang a defendant when the trial is happening live on TV are the same ones petitioning the parole board for their release after listening to a true-crime series.     People need to really consider how the judicial system actually works before they pass judgement.   And like I mention in my original post, the media needs to be reigned in a little on influencing a jury.  The whole system needs to be more impartial. That's how justice is truly had.

Another thing about these after-the-fact true-crime documentaries is that to me, they aren't as much about whether they did it or not, they're about the process. All the shady things done by the media, and law enforcement and the lawyers and the judge that end up with the verdict given.  It's always interesting to see the case from an outside perspective and to see truly what goes on that you never hear about... or the jury never got to see for whatever reason.

Anyway, here's my unfiltered rant as it was posted in 2013.  Minus the youtube clip of Nancy's commercial plus an illustration I just did on my phone.

Nancy Grace

________________________________________________

Armchair Lawyers and TV Truth-Jockeys

It seems like every month there's a new "trial of the century" that we cant avoid.  It's actually creating a market for 24 hour courtroom TV channels.  I saw this promo for Nancy Grace for HLN the other day and it struck a nerve.  

      She says:

"I want to investigate the case, I want to know the truth"   

"It's my duty to ...bring that child home, to solve the homicide, to solve the mystery" 

"I get to make a difference" 

 Shut the fuck up you piece of shit.   It's not your job to investigate cases. It's not your duty to bring children home or solve homicides or mysteries. What you do doesn't  matter to the actual case AT ALL!  There are real people, with real jobs in law enforcement and the legal field who's job that is.  She is making a difference tho, by tainting the jury pool with speculation and facts of a case that may not even be admissible by the judge as evidence. You are actually making their job HARDER you fucking asshole. 

Here's the problem with this bitch, and "courtroom" type news channels; It gets the public so riled up about a case by sensationalizing it to the point where the defendant is not only guilty before proven innocent, but a monster.  Then when the prosecution fails to convict, there's outrage and riots in the streets. 

I think this type of entertainment-news should be illegal.  If our legal system wasn't bad enough! This type of shit is turning every idiot with a remote control in their hand into arm-chair lawyers.  I live with a REAL lawyer and kids, the legal system isn't as flashy as they make it out to be. And sometimes, the bad guys get away with it.  Because sometimes, the police, or prosecution are liars, cheaters, have huge egos or just generally suck at their job.  And when that happens, we all lose. So who's really the bad guy... someone who gets arrested for having weed in their car and a broken tail light, or the police officer that searched the car illegally?  Who cares if government employees violate people's civil rights, as long as a bad guy went to jail right?  This system is in place to protect the innocent, and one day you might be arrested for something you didn't do or illegally searched.  But according to Nancy Grace, because you got arrested, you're the "bad guy" even after the jury says your not guilty.

HAIL SATAN!

I've been making Satan jokes, drawing Satanic symbols and listening to Satanic music since I was a stupid teenager.  Friends of mine back then even got Satanic bibles and wore dark clothing but all of it in my opinion was just kids lashing out and being stupid attention seeking kids.   I never really looked into what Satanism actually was all about, mostly because I just thought it was a bunch of weirdos.  Adult versions of the attention seeking teenagers.  Recently stumbled upon an episode of the Stuff You Should Know podcast that looked at it in an outside, third party non-judgmental perspective.  I learned that if you go way back, Satan wasn't this pure evil anti-god that is commonly known today.  Apparently even in older versions of the bible he isn't really mentioned or that big of a deal. Christianity really likes to rewrite shit to conform with whatever backwards ideology was in power at the time.  So take anything in a bible with a grain of salt.  My biggest takeaway tho was that I'm finding, while there's a bit of dumb teenager aspect to it on the surface,  most of it is very serious,  unexpectedly well thought out and for the most part sort-of appealing to my sensibilities.

Here's what I mean.

The Eleven Satanic Rules of Earth
1. Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.

2. Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.

3. When in another’s lair, show him respect or else do not go there.

4. If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy.

5. Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.

6. Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved.

7. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.

8. Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.

9. Do not harm little children.

10. Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.

11. When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.

Some of this is kind of out-dated or just laughable but most of it is pretty much how I lead my life already.

There's Sins too.  I'm not going to list them all but the first of the Nine sins is "STUPIDITY"  Alright! They go on pretty similarly from there but they lose me when they start talking about Magic. I'm assuming its all metaphor for other stuff, but then again accepted religions of the world believe some crazy-ass-shit too.  But remember, stupidity is a sin. Click here for the list of sins.

Anton LaVey, founder of the Church of Satan has been compared to L.Ron Hubbard and his background is a little sketchy and the imagery is a little ridiculous and in my opinion counterproductive to the message but at it's root, I think Satanism might be the religion I would choose if I had to.  I'm content on being an unaffiliated  Atheist.

For more about the philosophies, history or to become a member; Visit ChurchofSatan.com
And  always... HAIL SATAN!!!

BEWARE: Art Buyer Scams.

I got an email yesterday from a guy interested in my paintings.  He said he was from Seattle but his english skills were kind-of busted but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because it's rare I sell some fucking art these days.

Hello,
    I'm Joshua Harley from Seattle... I found your paintings website while surfing online for what to purchase as a gift for the love of my life.I'm impressed and amazed to have seen your various works too, You are doing a great job! I would like to receive further information about your piece of work and what inspires you.. Kindly confirm the availability for immediate sales.

Best..


Alright theres a chance he's legit.   I ask him which pieces he's interested in and I get another email today.

Hello,
  Sorry for not responding back to you on time, The complete work/piece could be any color, but medium size or large.. However, I would greatly appreciate if you could possibly recommend a few completed work within 1000USD- 10,000USD ready for sale...Please do email me back with images and prices of any available works in that range.

Many Thanks

Yeaaaaa dude.  No one uses "USD" when they're wanting to buy something from someone else in the United States.    'oooh you meant Euros, shit my bad"   So red flag number 2.  Then he's saying he's willing to spend up to 10K?  fuck dude, I'm flattered but no.  I've never sold anything over $500.  I'm not THAT good.  or well known. Another red flag.

So I did a little Googleing.  I entered joshua harley and the auto-fill spit out "joshua halrley seattle, joshua harley wyoming and joshua harley meany"  Interesting,  I found a Joshua Harley who is a real estate broker in Texas. And another one that's a MMA fighter.  But a lot of people have the same name so I google'd his email address.  harleymelmel15@gmail.com  and that's when things got interesting.

The first result was from Katie Jeanne Wood's blog with the words art scammers in the description.
She tells her stories of being scammed by a guy named Handy Parker from MA. The email she got back in early 2016 is almost exactly what I got.  His wife likes her art and has a big budget to buy it. yadda yadda.   She got suspicious just like me and she went as far as tracking the IP back to Nigeria of all places.

Fucking Nigeria man.

We both figured it was shady so we ignored any further emails from him but wondered what the scam could be.  Then amongst the many emails she got from people like me thanking her for the info was an artist that actually got scammed.  It's the classic Nigerian prince swicherooo.   "I'll send you a check for more than the amount and you send me the difference"  You send them the check and the one they sent you doesnt clear.   I hate saying this because this person got fucked but you gotta be a dingus these days to fall for that one.

Other results from googleing the email address turned up countless Facebook pages from artists warning of this scammer.  Also a couple seller pages at Poshmark.com that were selling Puma shoes and designer handbags with comments that say word-for-word on both: 

 "Pls , do you still have it available? Kindly email me at (harleymelmel15 (at) gmail.com). Thanks." 

So it seems like it's not just artists its anyone who will accept payment for something I guess. 

So if you get an email from harleymelmel or anyone offering shit too good to be true, uses broken english or any other redflags that seem shady, it's shady.  And NEVER NEVER accept checks or money orders from people you dont know or feel uncomfortable dealing with.

Read Katie's story and see her awesome art on her site here katherinejeannewood.com there's also some info on other scammers and some good resources for reporting scammers. 

Silence Your Fucking Phone

Have you ever been somewhere and someone's phone starts ringing and is clearly interrupting something? We all have. Have you ever been in this situation when the owner of the phone just lets it ring and keeps on talking to you. Or you're in a theater or other place that requires you to silence your phone and they spend way too much time trying to unlock the phone to swipe the ignore icon? Or worse, they acknowledge the ring, see who it is and then actually tell you that they don't want to talk to the person calling .. But then let it keep ringing?

Chances are the people who do this have obnoxious ring tones.

The movie theater one happened to me recently. Some baby-boomer had to dig through her purse then unlock it and figure out which button doesn't answer it and...... Ugg. It rang 6 times.

Some of you need a refresher course. (or show this to your parents)

For iPhone just press the sleep/wake button. Ta-da silence!

For pretty much everything else press just about any button on the phone (volume, home, power) and the ringer will stop.

It's not that hard. You're being rude.

OKJAAAAAAAAA: Another Movie Review

I had read and heard about this new Netflix movie Okja.  I really had no idea what it was about only that it had a couple known actors and it was coming from the Snowpiercer director Bong Joon Ho.  I put it in my Remember to Watch This database in the back of my head.  Last night some friends and I were talking about new Netflix stuff and Okja came up.  We ended up streaming it last night and I have a couple things to say about it.  POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD.  not that it's got any big twists... just incase.

Basic premise:  A company supposedly discovers a new species of mammal they call Superpigs. In an ad campaign to promote this as a way to feed the world in the future, they send a baby Superpig to a handful of farmers around the world to compete in raising the best one. The "Best Superpig" is to be chosen in 10 years time. The story takes place after the 10 years has passed. It follows a young Korean girl who's spent most of her life, with her Grandfather raising and befriending Okja, the Superpig in a remote mountain village in Korea.  Representatives from the company come to take Okja back to America but Mija isnt having it. Along the way Mija and Okja cross paths with a group called Animal Liberation Front.  You can probably figure out the rest from there.

As I said before  this movie was well hyped to me. First I'll say that it was pretty good but damn what a downer.  I mean, I get it, the meat industry sucks but fuck man I like steak and bacon.  I was thinking lab-grown meat was the answer but now I don't want them to kill Okja.

Tilda Swinton was creepy as ever as the leader of the family run GMO company while her character was trying to be the non-creepy one in her family.  Her plan to make everyone love the Superpigs was the main reason in my opinion that it would turn people off from eating them.

Jake Gyllenhaal's character was a total weirdo too. Washed up wild animal TV show host guy, turned spokesperson for the Superpig project.    I dont even know what to say about his character but I think he played the roll slightly creepier than maybe they had written it.  It works I guess. I worry that Jake may have gotten into it way more than he needed to.

It had good action sequences while keeping a general weird vibe throughout most of the of the movie.  Mija was cute and a total badass.  The one thing that bummed me out was the pretty down-your-throat PSA about the meat industry.  I felt it cast a shadow over the rest of the movie as too much of a focal plot point for me.

Try to not say "Okjaaaaa!!!!"  over and over after you see it.

Live From New York, It's Flat Soggy Pizza!!!!! (In a Good Way)

This was originally written as a Blogger post back in 2015 and it ended up on Yelp.  Apparently I never bothered to post it here too.   Anyway, here it is in all it's dated glory.  I wrote some updates at the end. 

Paul's Live From NY is a New York style pizza restaurant.  Apparently there is a Paul and he's from Humboldt. That's all I know about that but I do know pizza. I've eaten a lot of it.

If you don't know what NY style pizza is it's giant, thin crust pizza.  I've always kind of disliked the thin crust pizza.  It's floppy, its greasy and there was always some other kind of more satisfying pizza that was readily available.  While in New York I made these sentiments known to a New York native I was traveling with. He assured me that I "just didn't have the real, good, authentic NY pizza"  Now, I should also point out that I had just recently spent some time in Chicago.  Where all pizza bows before the almighty deep dish. I was still smitten, in post honeymoon mode from the 2 inch thick meal-in-a-slice windy city pie.  Convincing me that a soggy slice of thin crust was going to be tough.  He took us to one of his old neighborhood pizza spots assuring us that this was the real deal.  But it was just more pre-made pies sold by the slice.  This place went a step further in that if you wanted pepperoni with olives, they put olives and a little more cheese on a pre-made slice and reheated it in the pizza oven.

For reference: This is what Deep-Dish Chicago style pizza looks like.

The foldable slice. 

This is when I realized what real NYC pizza was.  Thin, soggy, reheated slices of pizza that you fold in half.  I really wasn't impressed. Please, take me back to Chi-Town.  When we moved to Eureka I saw Paul's Live From New York.  I scoffed because I pretty much decided way-back-when that I'd never eat New York pizza on purpose again. But then-- One night after the F Street Beerfest we ended up there with a group of people we'd just met who would eventually become our good friends.



They seemed excited, and we were stoked to meet new people in town so we went for it.  The pizza was large, flat, greasy, reheated... and delicious. Pretty much every experience I've had at Paul's has been like this. Late night, good friends and just a really good time with a good variety of different pre-made pizzas that will satisfy just about everyone in the group.

Pizza with friends!

And then there's the garlic knots. Little morsels of curled up dough soaked in garlic oil and garlic. My mouth waters thinking about them as I type this. The knots are better later in the evening when they've had a chance to get fully saturated with garlic oily goodness. They have salads and a good selection of beers on tap.  They also have wings.  They come in Buffalo or Australian BBQ.  Aussie BBQ is like a sweeter type sauce.  I've never liked Buffalo wings but this place has completely converted me into a wing guy.  I even critique wings from other places now.

Sometimes the service can be slow.  I don't know why it takes so long sometimes to reheat a slice of pizza but they lag sometimes. Usually when I go it's a big social gathering with friends and we really don't mind.  But it happens.  (Side Note:  They forget Becky's order every time. She won't go back.  When we're hanging out with Becky, Paul's is not an option)  Bonus; they also deliver!  But depending on the time of day and your locale the delivery times can be a while and for some reason the woman who answers the phone seems like you're ruining her whole day by calling and ordering pizza. This might not be a usual thing but it's rubbed me the wrong way a few times.

So despite slow, sometimes rude service, along with my disdain for New York style pizza I give Paul's Live From New York Pizza  four and a half out of five stars.  It's just a place that I always end up and leave very, very satisfied.  After a night at Live From NY my belly is full and it's the end of an awesome day with good people. I highly recommend going with friends. Maybe after some beers at The Local Humboldt Cider Company or after a movie at the Eureka Theater. Be loud, buy lots of pizza. Don't forget the garlic knots and even tho the slices are really big,  I recommend two because you'll want it.

Extra bonus...............Guy ate there. Guy Fieri that is.

Live From New York is now a neighborhood in FLAVORTOWN!! 

UPDATE: 
Live From New York, for whatever reason is now exclusively a "CASH ONLY" business.  This really upsets me.  Cash is for drug dealers and children.  I have a bank account like a normal responsible adult person. I don't carry cash because I'm not a criminal hiding from the system.  In 2017 there is literally no logical reason to not accept debit or credit cards.  As I mentioned in my previous review, I often visit with groups of friends.  The likelihood of everyone in the group having cash is very minimal and a reason we will chose to eat elsewhere.  I still like the food here but the frequency at which I will be visiting has been greatly diminished because of this decision.  I am very sorry.

UPDATE, UPDATE: 
They now accept credit and debit cards again but they cancelled their cable TV so now you can't watch sports on the several big screen TV's hanging throughout the dining area. Last time I went on a weekday evening they were out of all of the pizzas for slices. We didn't want to wait so we went somewhere else. This place somehow thrives despite everything they screw up. I'm still a fan and go there as often as I can. 

Pro Tip LFNY: 6th & E is usually super busy on Tuesday nights because its half price night. Often people with parties of 4 or more give up because its a long wait. Be ready to take advantage of this.

 I hate that I love you Paul's. 

12 Pack of Cinnabons?

There is only one Taco Bell. For three cities that are full of pot smokers, the drive thru line can be quite long. Especially on Friday and Saturday nights. Although there was one exception. The Wendy's I've blogged about before was being rebuilt from the rubble a few summers ago and it's Grand Opening was to be the night we got back from a weekend trip. We roll into town around 9:00 in the evening and pass the Taco Bell. We couldnt believe it, the place was a ghost town. We wondered "are they closed for repairs or something?" "did they get shut down by the health inspector?" Then we got a little bit further down the road and by the long lines of cars and crowded parking lot we were reminded of the new Wendy's unveiling. For one special night the deprived citizens of Eureka had Wendy's, instead of Taco Bell to satisfy their late evening munchies.

One Friday night after going out I was driving my drunk friends home someone had the novel idea to go to Taco Bell. We wait in line, order and finally get to the pick up window. Since there's two groups in my car we had placed two different orders separately from the same car. I ordered some burritos, quesadilla, tacos, gorditas, standard Taco Bell fare. My friends ordered something similar. These highly trained Taco Bell employees can handle that right? Well, the window slides open and a pimply faced teen with the headset awkwardly dangling from his small head unenthusiastically confirms our order. "12 pack'a cinnabons?" I was caught off guard. 12 pack of what? I told him that wasn't our order and he asked "Well, what did you order?"


I couldnt remember my full exact order so I replied "uuuuhhhhhh, not that"  

Again he asked me "Not 12 cinnabons?"

"No we didnt order any cinnabons"

"then what did you get?"

"A quesadilla, gorditas and stuff"
"Hold on let me get my manager"

After a few minutes of him and his boss looking at screens and walking to the kitchen, an older Samoan woman comes to the window and reads off my exact order. apologizes and hands me a bag with my stuff. She leaves and zit boy comes back. I tell him we have a second order for this car. He, adjusts his headset glances at the screen a couple times then back at me as serious as a heart attack says "12 pack'a cinnabons?"

MOTHERFUCKER.  

"NO! NO ONE IN THIS CAR ORDERED ANY CINNABONS!" He disappears and the Samoan lady comes back and helps us again. When she handed us our second order I kind of hoped they'd throw in the cinnabons for our troubles. But they didnt.
Another drunken night, similar to this one a friend was visiting from out-of-town and wanted the Caramel Apple Empanada they have on their dessert menu. Alas, they were all out of them so we ended up getting a 12 pack of cinnabons after all. They were pretty fucking delicious.

Hey Look What I Found!

Leaving work for lunch I noticed these two crusty homeless guys coming from the bushes near Chins, the Chinese restaurant/Slum Hotel next door.  I obviously ignored them and continued walking to my car. I thought I heard someone call my name so I turned to see who it was.  It wasn't my name. It was those fucking turds repeating over and over as they got closer "Sir...Sir!".  One of the drawbacks to having a one syllable name that sort of rhymes with many things, such as jerk, work, her, and in this case, Sir. He asks "Sir, what was the name of the cat in Steven King's Pet Sematery?"

In the split second of trying to wrap my head around the fact that they weren't calling my name, and that it was the bums I saw just before, realizing that it's too late to ignore them without being overtly rude I engage. I didn't notice right away that the guy had a petrified dead cat in his hand. Holding it up proudly so I could see.

I guess the cat's name is actually Church.
...which is funny because that's what my name means in its language of origin. 

I say that it's gross and he should get it out of here... Off the property. I'm trying to walk away and the other guy starts rambling on about how good of an author Steven King is and so on.. I finally make it to my car and as I drive away I see them doing the same thing to other people walking by.

Plastic or Plastic?

So now we have to pay 10 cents for a bag. This was supposedly to help save the planet. But now, the bags they offer in abundance are even thicker, hence more plastic. Pretty much everyone just pays the 10 cents and no one reuses them so how is this better? I'll pay 25 cents per bag if they were mandated to be made from corn-based plastic that is biodegradable. Or just force stores to offer paper bags. Which are fine. Plastic is still plastic even if you charge 10 cents for it. This 10 cent plastic bag thing just seems like it made the plastic pollution problem even worse.  I feel like I re-used the old non-reusable bags more often than the new bags. The new ones feel too nice to pick up dog poop with. They also don't tie-up as easily.  

And there's also this dilemma. 

I feel like a pig for always forgetting my cloth bags. Sorry.

Chilibees O'Houlan Charlie's Friday Time Steakhouse and Pub

Hey look a new restaurant is opening up in suburbia! Why am I not excited about it?All these chain type restaurants are practically all the same. A very long menu with little hints of culinary theme and decor changes that try to make them unique. But they're all just cookie cutter clones. When a place has a little bit of every kind of cuisine on the menu, that means they don't do any one thing good. It's all just blah. Cheesecake Factory for example has a fucking Websters Dictionary for a menu but everything in it is mediocre fare that is just a step up from the frozen food aisle. Be wary of the term "American Cuisine" because there is no such thing. It just means they make shitty, generic versions of Italian, Asian and South of the Border Nacho plates. Plus, burgers, fried chicken and salad.  

The Cheesecake Factory Menu Book. 

I do love that no matter what you can always get a burger though. It may have a wacky nickname in the menu but it's still just a good ol' Costco frozen patty on Sysco buns. These places are all consistent, and serve a purpose but don't be fooled. It's just a fancy Denny's with stupid crap on the walls. If it helps they probably have a bar. Or if a friend tells you that [insert crappy chain restaurant] had the best [anything besides giant alcoholic beverage] we should go!  You need new friends. 

... And don't forget the wacky Chocolate Mountain Fudgecainos, Stuffed Pancake Surprise and Triple Berry Explosion Sundaes for desserts!