McDrive-Thru faux pas

It's been a while since I posted a good ol' fashioned fast food Noggins.  It's not because I don't eat it anymore.  I'm a fat ass for a reason.  Just that nothing really interesting happens as much as it did when I worked in the hood.  The McDonalds and the Jack In The Box on San Pablo Ave were a guaranteed Noggin worthy visit.  It was like a TV show.  Use the desktop version of this page and use the search box: search for Fast Food, Jack In The Box or McDonalds and you'll be entertained.  Pardon my pre-woke early 2000's language.  I have learned.   

But this isn't about that.  

Circa 2015. I'm surprised they don't have a more recent Streetview.  

Today I had 3 mins before I needed to be at work so in a complete lack of urgency I decided to stop into the McDonalds drive-thru for some brekkie to-go.  That 2 for 5 Sausage Egg McMuffin deal has me by the fucking cheek meat if you know what I mean.  This particular drive thru has been updated and has two order lanes.  This is such a great idea, especially for when shit like what I'm about to tell you happens.  I've complained on here about drive-thru etiquette before but this is a kind of new one for me.  New because I've never had the drive-thru clerk call out a shitty drive-thru customer before I could. 

 I pull up and there's a car at each order menu screen but then as I'm deciding which one to pull into the car on the left pulls forward... YOINK!  that's where I go.   Since the other car was there before me I always try to get my order in before they finish but since they're already there it never happens.  But today I ordered my usual and kept looking over but they were still there so I move ahead to the pay window.  When I get there the lady working says "Some people shouldn't be allowed to use the drive-thru.  It's supposed to be fast, it's a drive-thru.  If you want to take your sweet ass time just go inside"  Apparently the car I was side-eyeing while ordering had been there for like 10 mins and she told me they said they  "were just browsing the menu"  She went on hilariously "this is a drive-thru you don't get to browse!  We're supposed to get each car thru in two minutes. These people are screwing up my line"   She was singing my song!  I wish I had a Noggins business card to give her so she can read all my drive thru complaints.   I said that the drive-thru should be seen as the 15 Items Or Less line at the grocery store.  It's there for expediency.  If you've never seen a McDonalds menu before, or like ordering for a family of 10... put some shoes and pants on like a grown-up and go fucking inside!  We shared a laugh then I got the fuck out of the way and went to the pick-up window like I'm supposed to.  I still did a rear-view mirror check tho to make sure I wasn't holding up the line... of course I wasn't. Those fuck-heads still haven't ordered yet. 

Circa 2018. lookin like 2032 

Oh, wait.. there she is.  After the space ship remodel sometime around 2017.  So weird all the McD's, TacoBells, Starbucks etc all got updated to look like the building was beamed into a flying saucer, blasted to planet Futuristic and got beamed back like a cafe on a hipster space station. 

I Judged a Chili Cook-Off hosted by Guy Fieri.

My local county fair is the oldest continuously running fair and horse racing track in California. The Humboldt County Fair began in 1861 and has been located in its current home at the historic Humboldt County Fairgrounds in Ferndale since 1896. 

I know this because part of my job, as some of you know is researching local history. Another claim to fame for Ferndale is former resident and current mayor of Flavortown, Guy Fieri. Yup, he grew up here and still has many ties to, and love for his hometown. One of his many gifts to our little corner of Northern California is his contribution to our historic and beloved county fair. His involvement, for obvious reasons usually involves a BBQ or Chili competition aways with a huge emphasis on philanthropy for the community. This year was his big post-covid return to the fair and this time he brought his Food Network film crew to film a hometown special focused on the county fair. This is important for later. 

I have a connection to the fair through my work because we are big, long time sponsors of the fair but also major advertisers for the main sponsor of the Guy Fieri event this year; The Chili Cook-Off. Through this connection I, me, lowly graphic artist was given the opportunity to be a judge for this chili cook-off event. I joked with my boss about it and mentioned I had experience judging a Chili Cook Off. Yes. Back in the day my dad and I were judges in a pub crawl chili contest. So I said screw it and agreed to taste and judge some chili. Now, I knew Guy was going to be involved but I've never witnessed any of his events he does at the fair so I while knew there was a chance I would meet him or at least be in the same vicinity as him, I did not know how involved our spikey headed local celebrity would be. 

Yes, this Guy

Day of the event I have a pass to get me into the fair. They said to meet under the horse racing track grandstands at 2:30. This was my only direction. The grandstands are big and there's only really a couple places I know of that are "under" them. The area where you place bets on horses, the bar and the bathrooms. I got there about 10 minutes early, went to the area under the grandstand but didn't see any official looking voting area, no one I recognized that I knew was going to be there was anywhere around. So I'm standing there like "WTF? Where do I go?" the only thing that I noticed that wasn't normal was a door with a police officer guarding it. I figured this was where our local Food Network Star was being protected from the local plebs. Then I noticed a dude with a lanyard that said Chili cook off something something so I told him I was supposed to meet here to be a judge and asked where to go and his eyes lit up and he yelled "he's here!" into the door with the cop and then handed me to another guy with a headset who had me sign a paper and then whisked into the room. This small room was buzzing. I see guy standing off to the side. Men with cameras and microphones. Another guy pulls me aside and straps a lapel mic on me, pulls a cord under my shirt, stuffs a transmitter pack in my pocket and points me to the judges table all while I'm hearing different people murmuring things like "OK we found Kirk our last judge" "oh he's here ok" as if I got there late and was holding up the show. I'm usually a pretty punctual person which is why I showed up early and when there was literally no direction other than go to this unspecified location in a large area that ended up being hidden away and guarded by a cop, yea What memo did everyone else get that I did not? I felt like an outsider. I kind of was tho. The other judges consisted of local politicians who I'm sure have participated in events at the fair like this and some of Guy's friends from his TV world, a couple chefs and cooks he knows from his TV shows. The lady next to me won an Instagram contest to be a judge. So even though she felt out of place too, she, like the local yokels somehow knew about the secret room under the grandstands that no one told me about. And I'm sure you can understand my resistance to approach a room being guarded by a cop. 

Anyway so I'm sitting there feeling like I'm being judged for being irresponsible, we finally settle in and Guy tells us all to introduce ourselves and of course he starts with me. I'm caught off guard because I literally just sat down and say "I'm Kirk" then he says something like "no like your name, what you do and how you got to be here". So since I had no idea what I was involved in I just said "I'm Kirk, I work at Pierson's and do their advertising. That's how I know the person from the Journal who invited me to be a judge" but probably said it more stupid than that. What I didn't know at the time is that this was being filmed by the Food Network for a hometown fair special or something. So no one watching will know what Pierson's is or what the Journal is. Everyone goes after me and they sound perfect, rehearsed and have clear concise reasons for being there and who they are. I'm just some asshole who showed up late ruining everything. 

 

Just fucking bring me some chili to judge. Next, Guy gives us a rundown on how we should judge the chili. After researching online, getting tips on how to judge a Chili cook off (that's right motherfuckers, because I'm prepared and get to things on time) he says write one number, 1 to 10 for heat and one number for overall quality. That's it? I don't have to judge color, smell, consistency, separately? OK. We get one bite of each of 16 chilis. Just one plastic spoonful. I didn't think one bite was enough to have a clear opinion on a few of them but looking back in think it was probably more for expediency than strict judging purposes. I should have just taken another bite. While we're making our way through the entries. An official chili cook off person would ladle out a scoop of one chili at a time to each of us. We inspect the consistency, take in the aroma, take a single bite, write our numbers on our sheet, and members of the crew would swoop in and take our cups, spoons and clean up any drips on the table... You know because this is being filmed. And then we'd get another ladleful of the next chili and so in. During all this Guy says he'd like to get some soundbites of our reactions. One of the chilis was green in color and apparently vegetarian. Maybe I'm more accustomed to vegetarian foods because my girlfriend has been vegan or vegetarian the 25ish years we've been together, but I really liked it. So when and all these people who seem to gauge the worthiness of chili by how meaty it is are scoffing at how weird it was I said "it ain't easy being green. I really like this one" and Guy was like... Ooh did you get that? And 3 different camera guys turned towards me and I was directed to repeat it again like 4 times for the cameras. "look at Guy when you say it" so that was a true TV moment. I said something about not thinking any of the chili was that spicy after everyone else was making remarks about it being spicy. Maybe I have a higher tolerance. They kept focusing on people's reactions and remarks throughout the whole thing. I had my own microphone so that could possibly be used as well. Who knows?

Guy was very professional and in-person no different than he is on TV. People like to make fun and turn him into a punch line but he seems like a genuinely cool dude and does a lot for the community. He is who he is. After we were done judging I gave him one of my Googly Eye Guy stickers and asked if he had seen it since they were being sold locally but he was like "what's this?" I told him it was a sticker design I made and he was like "riteous dude!" and gave me a fist bump. I didn't ask for a selfie or anything because it seemed too awkward. I really get uncomfortable around celebrities. I want to treat them like real people but a person I have nothing in common with other than that they're famous. So then it's like this person has no reason to talk to me. It's weird. 

Photo: Times Standard 

While they counted our scores I went out to the area outside the room we were in and it was all the contestants serving their chili along the edge of the racetrack. I noticed many of them were being served with cheese or onion, one place had home made pork rinds. We didn't get any of that and I wondered, how much that and only getting one bite would affect the intended presentation of the chili. Anyway, shortly after this the scores were all tallied and Guy took the stage to present the winners. There were a few awards that the public voted for and then the award for grand champ which is the one I judged. Another weird thing is that while they were announcing the winners I had no idea which ones were the chilis I tasted. It was just numbers on a chart when I was tasting them. I really had no horse in the race as it were. This is when he mentions the camera crew roaming around filming and interviewing people around the event. He announced that they were his crews from Diners Drive-Ins and Dives, and Guys Grocery Games TV shows filming a Food Network 'Guy's Hometown County Fair' special. Yeah. For national TV. So if I had known this in advance I would have gotten a haircut and not worn my grungy bleach stained hoodie.  

Friends Kayce and Jordy were at the Fair! 

In the end all the chilis were good but nothing blew me away. Nothing was horrible. I was worried about some super weird chili with seafood or something gross like hella ketchup in it but it ended up pretty tame. In the cook off my dad and I judged before someone made a Smoked Salmon Jerky Chili and I judged it on odor alone. And when I talked to my manager about it he said he once judged some chili cook-offs out in the hills with possum and raccoon and other mystery road-kill meat in them.   Thankfully nothing like that happened. 

A little confession tho. Generally I'm kind of indifferent on chili actually. I like it in a bowl with onions and cheese every once in a while. I hate chili dogs. Chili fries etc. I've never tried to make it. People go ham for it. I'm probably not the best person to be a judge. lol

So yea, that happened. Look for me on TV sometime in the not too distant future. Maybe. 

UPDATE: I Was on TV!  https://kirknoggins.blogspot.com/2023/01/guy-fieri-chili-cook-off-judge-update.html

Humans Are Toast. Robot Overlords Pard XVII

Ok so I know I just posted about this but that's sort of supports my point here.  This shit is not slowing down and it's just getting worse.   This week there was a headline about a Google employee who said it's AI chatbot was alive. 

Last Friday, a Post article by Nitasha Tiku revealed that Blake Lemoine, a software engineer working in Google’s Responsible AI organization, had made an astonishing claim: He believed that Google’s chatbot LaMDA was sentient. “I know a person when I talk to it,” Lemoine said. Google had dismissed his claims and, when Lemoine reached out to external experts, put him on paid administrative leave for violating the company’s confidentiality policy.  -Wash. Post

I mentioned this in my last post.  My favorite tech Youtuber MKBHD did a story about DALL-E an AI image generator that's damn good at creating realistic images of just about whatever you ask it to... from thin air.  He shows a few examples but here's one.. he typed in "An elderly kangaroo"  and this is what it created from nothing with just artificial intelligence... 

This is nuts!  While Dall-E is not available to the public, just this week DALL-E's little brother DALL-E MINI is open to the world and it went viral.  It's the same concept but less powerful.  It's images are more cartoon-like.  The other major difference is that unlike it's more robust counterpart you can actually ask it to make images using people's names which is allowed on the big boy for reasons that become obvious once you see some of the results it gives. (watch MKBHD's video linked above) 

 There have been several comical creations with Mini with recognizable blurry blobs of celebrities or popular film and TV characters.  Like you can tell who it's supposed to be but it's no where near a deep-fake.  But even that is impressive.   Here's a few I found searching Twitter for "Dall-e Mini"  you'll see what I mean.  People are getting creative. 

OMG Trap cam Devito

Then just today my local news site had an article about elder abuse and had an illustration of what appeared to be old people in a home in some kind of situation.  It looked suspiciously like a Dall-E mini creating and what do you know? ... it was.  

I mean, this is fun and all but as an illustrator and artist this kind of rubs me the wrong way.  Also, I've seen The Matrix.  I know how this shit ends.  I don't want to be a battery. 

Then I just saw this in my news feed.  An AI bot wrote and performed a Jerry Seinfeld bit.  Impressively might I ad.  Why do we need Jerry when we have Jerry Bot?  This was a legit decent believable Seinfeld joke.  It even got his voice!!  WTF?! 

We're doomed I tell you!!!  DOOMED!!!  

Our New Robot Overlords. Making Stuff, Blowing Minds.

AI or, Artificial Intelligence is something I've talked about several times on the Noggins and while I've stated that I'm starting to lean on the side of the fence that is sort of freaked out by AI. Sometimes it makes cool stuff. Cool but scary as hell stuff. I've written recently about the AI that lets you start a story and then a writing bot finishes it for you.  I've also mentioned before that someone made an AI bot that can beat masters of Chess at Chess and Poker champions at Poker and how my main concern was that the creators had no idea how they did it. And how when computers invent their own language and communicate with each other but the scientists have no idea what they're talking about or how they did it. This shit freaks me out. You want the Matrix? Because this is exactly how you get The Matrix.

OK then, let's look at some pretty pictures. .... created by our new robot overlords.
DALL-E 2 is an AI that can draw anything you ask it for. It's terrifying and amazing at the same time.

It all starts so innocently.  Let's make it write stories and make artwork.  Next thing you know they realize they're just sex robots in an amusement park and the evolve to turn us into batteries while our brains are hooked up to a video game of our lives.   

We're doomed. 

Why Dark Knight Rises Totally Sucks

 

 Gordon: they said there was gonna be glitter. 

The new Batman movie was good. A little long but overall I didn't have complaints. After discussing it with people they keep bringing up the Dark Knight movies and how fond they are of them. The joker one was good, I don't remember the middle one but here's my take on the last one. I watched it twice just to make sure I wasn't crazy but it still sucks. I haven't seen it in a long time so I might not remember but this was my review from back then after watching it for the second time.

somebody's dark knight is rising.  heh heh 

OK so... they waste three months tracking the bomb truck down. Then after getting duped they miraculously end up finding it in the last 10 minutes. Bruce Wayne magically gets from a random generic place in the middle of nowhere Asia all the way to Gotham City in just a few days. He does this somehow with absolutely no resources, no money, shoes or anything. (remember he's just an angry rich guy who relies on gadgets, he's not dumb ass Superman who can fly) After he teleports across the world in 2 days he's somehow able to get right into the city that's being heavily guarded on lock down without a fight or any explanation.

When their big plan to get the bomb back into the reactor fails he just decides to tow it with his bat plane out of the city to a safe distance over the ocean. Which he somehow survives by the way. Which he could just have done first and saved everyone a whole heap of trouble. I thought it would make more sense the second time but it still pisses me off at how fucking stupid it is. It's almost as bad as Iron Fist.

Never watch this movie.

Old Man Musician Soapbox Time:

We Need To Talk About Your Band's Stage Appearance.

A friend saw a band at his local club that he really liked and posted a video on his facebook.  I'm not gonna post it here or mention the band because it's really not about them.  They are a really good sort of progressive sort of thrash/death metal type band and there was nothing really wrong with them other than some pitchy melodic vocals but that wasn't what kept distracting me. It's something I notice more and more lately about a lot of bands.  

A lot of bands have their shit together, they play very well and they probably play out and practice a lot which makes me hate to talk about what I'm about to talk about but visual appearance is more important than a lot of bands realize.  This seems petty but when serious heavy metal bands wear cargo shorts or dickies shorts or sweat pants other casual shit on stage.  I don't need leather pants and corpse paint, just show the audience a complete cohesive package that fits the aesthetic of the music.  I'm sure cargo shorts fit a certain musical style just like tight jeans, ripped t-shirts and puffy white basketball shoes fit whatever Anthrax and Megadeth was doing in the 80's  Maybe I'm just really old I don't know what's cool anymore but it's not 2004 and to me Limp Bizkit isn't the vibe I'm getting from the music here.  Not because I don't dress like it's 2004 still, or that I don't like loose fitting jeans as a comfortable thing to wear, it's because looking like a schlub takes me out of the dark and scary heavy metal world I wan't to be in while watching a band like this.  It makes them look like they just got off the couch or off of work and picked up a guitar.  This may be the case for many, I know times can be tough but it all falls into that same 'make it look like you give a shit' basket.  I watched an official music video of theirs and they have and there's a clear theme to the video and they're all period accurate clothing to match which is fucking awesome.  I can tell they clearly know how to bring it in the image department so what the fuck is up with the cargo shorts?  

Another thing I noticed about the video my friend posted was,  and again this isn't a knock on the band, unless it is –but I hate that the lights are behind the band. This is a pet peeve of mine which could mean that the venue doesn't know how stage lighting is supposed to work (which is common) or maybe this is what the band wants but all I see is silhouettes.  Lights are supposed to be shining on the band so the audience can see them.  This ties into the visual appearance thing.  Be proud of your music and yourselves, don't hide in the dark or in your comfy every day clothes.  And even if you have a bad sense of style, as most dudes do, I'm not saying you need a visit from Queer Eye, you just need to leave that shit at home and present yourself on stage in a way that presents a complete package for your music.  Image can seem dumb but it makes a difference.  I once got some advice a long time ago that went something like; you can get away with things on stage that you could never in real life.  The audience came for a show, give them one.  Don't just have band practice on stage. 

I have fallen in love with some bands after hearing them. Some major heavy hitting national bands... and then I looked them up on Youtube and seeing them live was like looking behind the Wizard of Oz curtain. The music is still really good but all I can think of now is Supercuts and the job interview clothes section at Kohls when I listen to them. So you're just a bunch of computer programmers? There's a thin line tho, you can't come out in matching elaborate costumes and just completely suck. There's definitely a balance.   Just show as much passion and care for your appearance as a band as you do about your music. It feels fucking shallow of me to say shit like this but a little bit goes a long way. 

Here's the part where I talk about being a hypocrite.  Yea I haven't really practiced what I'm preaching lately but I've also never been in a serious progressive metal band.  And despite actually being in a post grunge nu-metal band in the early 2000's where cargo shorts and baggy pants would have been appropriate for the genre, we actually did have specific matching stage attire and a theme when we were starting out.   We all had matching dickies work shirts with our band insignia on the back. Each in a different color.  I was orange.  At times we also died our hair to match the colors.  It was cheesy and sort of indicative of the Power Rangers but like it said, stuff that feels super cheesy,  you can get away with on stage.  It's a show and you're a character in that show.   People loved it and it was memorable and recognizable.  

Pirate Ship Designated Driver, Dog Poop, Some Pictures and a TV Show Obsession - Hold the Pickles.

How is it March?  January 1st feels like it was 7 years ago.  I know Feb is the shortest month but it literally flew by.  If I'm being honest 2019 feels like a whole different lifetime ago.  Anyhoo, here's some nonsense.  

Today I was at the Jack in The Box drive thru.  I hate drive thrus but our one and only Jack in The Box is still closed for dine-in because of Covid.  A lot of dining rooms have opened back up but the few that haven't by now I think have just gotten used to not having to deal with shitty customers in person, homeless bugging them and messy assholes shitting up the place.  I don't blame them but that doesn't change the fact that I hate drive thrus.   Like I've said before the combination of shitty speakers and employees who's first language is not English is a recipe for disaster.  Today I ordered my Jumbo Jack like I always do; no mayo, no ketchup. Add mustard.  But they must have gotten new people because the old guy would finish my order for me because he knew it was me. Today as with the last couple times when I ask for no mayo, no ketchup the read out says "no pickles"  I never said pickles.  One time it said no lettuce.  I never said lettuce.   I tried to correct him but he just told me my total and said thank you.  They had to remake when I clarified at the window.  Sorry line of cars behind me.  Fucking drive thru!! 

When I got home to let my dogs out there was shit all over the floor.  This is the whole reason I go home for lunch and am late almost every day going back to work and these fuckers shit on the floor anyway.  The fucked up part is I found out about the shit because I stepped in it.  I love my dogs but got damn. 

Last night I had a dream that I had to take over driving a pirate ship.  For some reason the captain was unable to do it but was sitting near me telling me what to do.   Most of the time I really didnt do shit but keep the giant ship steering wheel straight. But then it got super windy and I didnt know what to do.  The captain was hella drunk but he was yelling in a gruff pirate voice  "TURN LEFT!!!!!"  so I'd spin the motherfucker with all my might to the left.  then "RIIIGGHHHTTTT!!!!"  So then I'd spin it the other way.  I started to get the hang of it then suddenly there was hella traffic.  A bunch of other big pirate ships, smaller boats, then huge modern oil tankers and yachts.  I was still going full speed like it was open ocean so I had to keep zigging and zagging like crazy to not hit any of the other ships.  It was intense.  Then out of no where I see a semi truck.. A big rig with a 70ft trailer.  Then I noticed that there was an asphalt highway.  A paved road that went straight through the middle of the ocean rising up out of the sea.  I was headed straight for it and hit it but skidded my keel up the side and back down the berm of road popping out of the water.  Amazing it didnt break right off but it was a dream so fuck it.  I got back in the water and zigged and zagged some more .... then I woke up. 

I've been obsessed with this new TV show on AppleTV Plus (I know another streaming service I hate that I have to have)  called Severance.  Open the web version if you're on mobile (link at the bottom) and use the searchy thingy in the top right and search for Lost. You don't have to read any of it but you'll get an idea of how utterly stupid I was over that show.  Anyway, 3 episodes into Severance and I'm getting the tingles again like I did back then.  Luckily there's reddit now and I can get my theory fix there instead of blasting it all on here.   Just watch the trailer.  

here's some crap. 

 

My thoughts are with the people of Ukraine - Putin sucks.  That's it.   

Welcome to 2022. Please Drive Thru. Here's Extra Napkins. You'll Need Them.

 What a wild year 2021 was… or two years?  Three?   From Trump to Covid and Black Lives Matter, school shootings, fucking Russia and everything in between it's felt fucking nuts for like 7 god damn years.  I used to write a Noggin on here almost every day.  In 2006, the first full year of the Noggins, I wrote exactly 365 of these damn things.  They weren’t all zingers but I was active.  Life was normal enough that an annoying coworker got a 3 part series on here.  Or that time my boss thought bringing doves into the office was a good idea was enough inspiration to clack away about it.   I feel like some crazy ass shit happens 20 times a day now and I really can’t stop and put together anything more than a Facebook post or tweet about it.    Frankly it’s overwhelming.  But there’s something I saw recently that I just had to pause and say something about.  It’s from a place we here at the Noggins have had a long- on again, off again, love-hate relationship with; the ol' yellow and red clown himself,  McDonalds. 

I recently scrolled passed an ad for this new thing called McDonalds Menu Hacks.  I thought it was some joke so I really didn’t pay much attention. I might have tried to subconsciously keep scrolling because it mentioned the Filet O Fish. Gross.  But it was later brought to my attention what all of this actually was.   It’s a legitimate marketing strategy by McDonalds for new ways to order their normal-ass menu items.  As a fast food aficionado I am very familiar with menu hacks and secret menus.   Usually they are a way to get an item at a lower price by mixing and matching or getting something you like that's not on the menu by editing the items it usually comes with.  Burger King made it their friggin motto "Get it Your Way" so what the hell was McDonalds trying to do?  This seemed similar but not the same thing as the Secret Menu made famous by In N Out.  Not to be confused with my In N Out “Fantasy Menu”  which was an early popular post on the Noggins which inspired it's own spin-off blog. An official Secret Menu is where the restaurant has sanctioned some unofficial menu items that they will actually make for you but are not listed on the menu.  You can tell the cashier “Animal Style Burger”  and they will know what it is, what to charge you for it and make it.  And there’s the main difference between the secret menu and this Hack Menu nonsense.    Imagine if the Double Double wasn't on the menu but you could still order it as a hack, but they give you two Cheeseburgers.  I'll explain what I mean.

Here’s what is going on with this Hacks menu and why after all the bullshit going on in the world right now I'm writing about this.  The items you can now order are:  Hash Brown McMuffin,  Surf & Turf, Crunchy Double and Land, Air & Sea.   Let's take a pretty basic one and show you why this is the fucking dumbest, most pointless shit ever.  

Hash Brown McMuffin is a Sausage Egg & Cheese McMuffin with a Hash Brown on it.  Simple enough, and I’m sure many people have gotten a McMuffin Breakfast Meal and put the hash brown on it already.  But now you can order a Hash Brown McMuffin from the “Hacks” menu and they will………. wait for it…….  Put a Sausage Egg McMuffin AND a Hash Brown, separately in your bag and charge you for a Sausage Egg McMuffin and a Hash Brown.   What the actual fuck?   What’s the fucking point?  To save 2 seconds and breathing  0.4 ounces of air from you having to order two separate things?   And if you're looking at the photo of the lineup above you can probably guess... it gets worse.  The Land Air & Sea is the President Trump of this lineup and it’s a Big Mac with a chicken patty and a Filet of Fish patty and whatever ever portions of the toppings that come on them ends up on it after you follow the instructions on how to build it.  But as you guessed it you’re buying three fucking sandwiches and throwing away four buns and whatever else falls off while you’re sitting in your car in the parking lot trying to carefully build this stupid, gross monstrosity.   Do people really order this enough they needed to make it an official thing? How would they even know people are doing this.  If someone orders a Quarter Pounder with Cheese and a 6 piece Chicken Nuggets, like I’ve been known to order from time to time, who’s telling them they’re gonna put the nuggets on the burger and call it a Crunchy Double?  Who decided to call it the Crunchy Double?   Was the McDonalds ad department just getting high and trying to think of crazy shit? That's actually not too different than how me and a couple friends came up with the Fantasy Menu I mentioned before.  Apparently people do order this crap.  Some of these and other creations have been popular on something called Tik Tok and McDonalds jumped on the bandwagon... in all the wrong ways.  This whole thing just insults my sensibilities as a civilized person in society.  

On the menu page it shows the items with a fun colorful bubble letting you know how cool it is to “Make it yourself”  YAY! … NO!!  That’s a bug, not a feature you dumb shits.  That’s like the main thing that makes this whole thing suck so much.  I mean, other than throwing away two halves of a sandwich for literally no good reason.  Oh and I just noticed that the Surf & Turf is only available for a limited time.  WHY!??  They aren't making anything!  "Can I get a Surf & Turf?"  Sorry we don't have those anymore that was for a limited time only.  "Uhh ok, can I get a double cheeseburger and a filet o fish?"  Absolutely, thank you, please drive thru...    It's- the - same - fucking - thing.  This is completely insane. Am I going insane?  Is this not fucking ridiculous?

 

I get it, having unique variations on classics is a great way to freshen up your menu but for fuck’s sake pay an employee a living wage and let them take the extra 2 seconds to add a fish patty to a double cheeseburger instead of making two fully made sandwiches and throwing them in the bag.   It’s not rocket science.    I dunno, it might actually be asking too much tho because once I tried a hack … a real one that I thought of myself, not this Hacks Menu bullshit. … I asked them to add a slice of cheese to my Big Breakfast with Hotcakes.  This way you can make a sausage egg & cheese McMuffin out of the sausage patty, scrambled eggs and muffin they give you, but now it has cheese.  Anyway the dipshit cook put the cheese on the pancake. Who puts cheese on a pancake? Who would ever think this is what the customer wanted?  Before it came out I saw the cheese on there and was getting ready to complain but the manager saw it and yelled at the cook in Spanish. “¿something something queso something pancake?”  He remade it and everything was cool and I got to have hotcakes, a Sausage Egg &Cheese McMuffin and a little left over scrambled egg for the price of just a Hot Cake Big Breakfast.  Another hack a friend of mine used to do was to order two $1 cheeseburgers; substitute Big Mac sauce and add lettuce. then combine them for a Big Mac for only $2.  You still throw away a bun but it’s an actual hack, with a purpose.  And that’s the thing tho right?  If you’re thinking your sneaky, coming up with a way to actually HACK the menu and you end up with extra buns or something it’s because it wasn’t a sanctioned official item and them's the beans if you gotta toss a bun, but now, from a corporate level they're legitimatizing throwing away food.  In 2022, It’s bonkers.  As far as pricing goes, since people were doing this shit before and McDonalds just decided to roll with it, I'm sure you're still getting charged full price for everything individually.  Hack, my ass. This was just dumb kids thinking they're being creative so they can get internet points. 

Creators of McDonalds realizing Ray Crock
totally fucked them in The Founder. 

In conclusion, it’s a stupid, stupid, wasteful, lazy marketing campaign coat-tailing an even stupider internet trend where McDonalds literally gets to do nothing but give a single name to ordering 4 separate things you have to build yourself while losing the satisfaction of it being a clever thing you think you thought of yourself.  It’s the fast food equivalent of putting an advertisement for the secret swimming hole location on a billboard and still calling it the “secret swimming spot”.   Well, McDonalds has never really been famous for not being a piece of shit company who underpays their workers and sells addictive shitty food to people like me.  I guess if you took the time to read the nutritional facts they post on the wall of the restaurant and watched the movie The Founder and are still OK with going there… I guess this bullshit shouldn’t surprise you(me).  

If you're wondering what they taste like you probably have never been to a McDonalds before.  But if you're still wondering, this guy ate them so you don't have to. 

I still haven’t gotten Covid as far as I know so there’s that I guess.  If this topic interests you, you’re probably a horrible piece of crap like me, but despite this, please still get vaccinated.  I love you. 

DoNt YoU kNoW HoW tO UsE a GuN?

Today in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial... which is a whole other shit-show of injustice... there is a photo of the prosecutor pointing the AR-15 from the case at what many thought was the jury. Many pointed out that he had his finger on the trigger which started a firestorm of comments about all of the things he was doing was wrong. Wrong how? All of these commenters were gun enthusiasts or had an ample amount of experience with firearms. I agreed with everything they were saying but what I think it's funny, (strange? ironic?) when these people complain and mock non-gun people for handing firearms incorrectly and for not knowing what they know... for saying things like "OMG don't you know you aren't supposed to point a gun at anyone?" or "WTF don't you know you never put your finger on the trigger unless you intend on pulling it?!!" "IDIOT, Dont you know you're supposed to always act like it's loaded no matter what?!!!"

Actually no... No I don't know that.. because there are no regulations for requiring training or testing for skill, coordination, eyesight etc for owning a gun that says I have to by law. There's literally nothing stopping an untrained normie like me from buying something designed specifically to kill things. Other than my own sense of self control and common sense.

The NRA crowd fights so hard to keep their perception of the 2nd Amendment going. No regulations, no rules, no restrictions, but then also complain, even laugh at the audacity of someone who dares to use a gun without knowing how to use it... meanwhile fighting any law that would require what they want. What is also interesting is that the NRA for most of it's existence was the unofficial arbiters of gun control for this country. Now they're just lobbyists.

(This meme might make more sense if you watch I Think You Should Leave on Netflix)

I want to add that I actually do know all of the things I jokingly said I didnt know. I am an observant, curious, intelligent person. I was making a point, much like the scene in the meme above that not everyone knows everything even though you may assume it's common knowledge. Which is why the scene is funny, It's safe for the angry guy to assume an adult behind the wheel of a car, that's pulling out of a parking space would have a driver's license. Moreso than it would for someone with a gun to have gone to training of some kind to learn basic gun safety. Because one is required by law. One isn't. So shut the fuck up or vote for the type of gun control that deep down, you actually want.

I call him "The Photographer" (Fresh Freeze Incident Update)

Some of you might remember The Mysterious Fresh Freeze Incident I posted back in 2016.  You can click the link for the details but basically as I was about to pull out of my parking space after picking up burgers and shakes this dude is standing next to my car yelling at me.   Repeating  "DO NOT TRY TO CONTACT ME - I WILL FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST YOU" while snapping as many pics as he could with a little point-and-shoot camera.   I yelled back to see what the fuck he was talking about but he kept snapping pics with the camera backwards as he walked away.   It was totally bizarre and chalked it up to him thinking I was someone else and just kind of laughed it off.  I wrote that blog post and then pretty much forgot about it. 

 That was until I saw him again several months later in the same part of town.  I was at a red light and I was just sitting there waiting for the light to change, checking out the scenery of the intersection and I noticed that it kind of looked like that same guy.  He already had his phone out pointed at me taking pictures!  The light turned green so I just drove off thinking "what the fuck?" ... Then again about a year later I saw him in what appeared to be a shitty dress thing and he did a double take as he saw me pass and then flipped me off.    And again closer to down town, again I was driving and he locked on me as I noticed him and he whipped out the double eagles with full conviction directly at me.  And over the past five years I've had a few more similar interactions with The Photographer.  

Just when I sort of forget about him, I'll see him again and it's as if he's been just walking around town all this time just looking for me.  Ready with a camera phone or middle fingers to let me know he remembers me and that for some reason unbeknownst to me he absolutely hates me and "will file a restraining order against me" I'm reminded of him now because just last week as I was driving home from work on the other side of town and I saw him again... and he totally saw me... snapped his sunglassed gaze directly at me and blasted me with two fully erect middle fingers.  

If anyone knows this guy,  ask him what his deal is with me... and if he thinks I'm someone else, please correct him.  Maybe it's just my car that he's recognizing as someone else.  It's a white 2011 Scion xB.  It's a little creepy but I don't really feel threatened.  It's mostly funny at this point that he's so dedicated to hating me, a total stranger, after five years.