Aug 29, 2008

Here comes the owner, with a gun!

ok... Friday it is. I'm tired.

I'm playing "guy in tux" at my friends Justin and Kendras wedding on saturday. congrats guys!

this is the part where you look at pictures.

i fixed it with chrome!

jer + sledgehammer / photoshop = jerhammer

this is a redundant statement isn't it?

the new GOP bumper sticker idea

ok that is all.

see you Tuesday. also, dont forget to check out this week's Doodle Suicide Boy

Aug 28, 2008

I think I saw a UFO this morning

After I got onto the freeway this morning I noticed something strange in the sky off to my left. Three objects that looked like little bits of silvery pink jet-stream shining in the sunrise.

They were shaped in a perfect "L" formation evenly spaced. By the time I had gotten my phone out to take a pic the perspective changed a bit from the direction of the road but they still make a L or V formation. Unfortunately the shininess didn't come through on the pic.

The other spots are probably just crap from my windshield. Just as i was getting on the freeway some douche sprayed their sprayer and it got all over my windshield. But the 3 I have highlighted were shiny and in the sky. You'll have to take my word for it.

No, I didnt get probed. Although I probably would have enjoyed it.

Aug 25, 2008

What's Grosser Than Gross?

I was looking at the Pittsburg garbage service for the new house and they offer a 96 gallon trash can. It made me think of that old joke..."whats grosser than gross? 100 dead babies in a garbage can." 96 gallons? that's a lot of dead babies!

so I got all nostalgic about sharing those old "grosser than gross" jokes. here's some I remembered and some I found on the interwebs.

we'll start with this classic; whats grosser than gross?
100 dead babies in a garbage can.
whats grosser than that?
one at the bottom eating his way out.
whats grosser than that?
he goes back for seconds.
whats grosser than that?
that baby in a 100 garbage cans.

whats grosser than gross?
getting a boner and running out of skin.

whats grosser than gross?
siamese twins conjoined at the tongue.
whats grosser than that?
one of them throws up.
whats grosser than that?
it makes the other one throw up.

whats grosser than gross?
two vampires fighting over a bloody tampon.
whats grosser than that?
the tampon is still in.

whats grosser than gross?
when you throw your underwear at the wall and it sticks.
whats grosser than that?
when you whistle and it comes back.

whats grosser than gross?
when you sit on your grandpas lap and he pops a boner.
whats grosser than that?
When you sit on your grandmas lap and she pops a boner.

whats grosser than gross?
finding a condom at the bottom of a mayonaise jar.
whats grosser than that?
you eat your sandwich anyway.

whats grosser than gross?
when a cheerleader does the splits and sticks to the floor
whats grosser than that?
when she gets up theres 5 class rings on the floor
whats grosser than that?
when one of the rings is her brother's.

whats grosser than gross?
having sex with a pregnant woman and you feel something grab your dick.
whats grosser than that?
bragging to your friends about being in a threesome.

what's grosser than gross?
drinking a bloody mary and finding a string.

whats grosser than gross?
piling dead babies onto a cart with a pitchfork.
whats grosser than that:
piling live babies onto a cart with a pitchfork.

whats grosser than gross?
grandma giving grandpa a hickey and the skin pops

what's grosser than gross?
finding a cockroach in your big mac.
What's grosser than that?
finding half a cockroach in your big mac.

and now here's some random gross/ dead baby jokes I came across.

lets get the obligatory MJ joke out of the way. I was surprised i'd never heard this one.
What did the lady on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
Excuse me sir, you're in my son.

What's small, screams and can't turn corners?
a baby with a spear through it.

What's red and silver and walks into walls?
A baby with forks jammed in his eyes.

whats the difference between a trampoline and a baby?
you take off your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline

(this one is the best!)
How do you get a hundred dead babies into a phone booth?
A blender.
how do you get them back out?
tortilla chips!!!!

Kid home from school: "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"
dad:"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."
kid:"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
dad:"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

A little girl says to her mom, "Mommy, little Timmy next door has a willy like a peanut".
Mom laughs and says "Was it really small?"
"No", says the girl, "it was really salty".

what do you get when you put a baby in a blender?
I dunno, I was too busy jacking off.

my dad used to always tell this one.. Q: Why do farts smell?
A: So deaf people can enjoy them too.

ok that's it. you're welcome and/or I'm sorry. thanks for playing, drive thru, come again.

post yours in the comments!

Holy fucking weekend

Lets, see. Where to begin. All last week we'd been going to the house to finish painting and do whatever else needed to be done. Meg started law school tho so she wasn't there much. I'd been pulling late nights and not getting sleep so my immune system was weak and I think around Wednesday I started to get a cold. I'm sure a diet consisting of Taco Bell, diet Shasta and chocolate chip cookies didnt help either.

By Thursday, between paint and cleaning chemical fumes, and possibly led paint dust I had a full blown sore throat. Meanwhile, our cat a few weeks ago had started scratching himself in the face from what turns out is an allergic reaction to possibly his food bowl. (Oh by the way, pets are/can be allergic to plastic. just a little FYI that no one ever tells you about.) So on top of the stress of Meg starting school, my physical therapy appointments, my broken lift gate hatch (which I fixed btw) we've got to watch the cat and make sure he doesnt scratch more.

Friday I took the day off to do some final touch ups in the rooms and living/dining room and try to start packing and moving stuff over. In the morning meg notices that the cat's eye is all goopy and he's acting weird so she calls the vet and they say to bring him in and drop him off for the day so the doc can observe him. meg takes him and then goes to school. I check my email and look at to see about setting up our service at the new address. I grab my phone and start to walk to the coffee table to call att and I step on something under a piece of clothing. Suddenly the light on the fan turns on. The fan operates by remote so I thought I stepped on it. But then, all the lights go dim and then everything one by one shuts down. The power is out.

I call Att and get our service set up then I drive out to the house. There, I first fix my lift gate hatch, then finish the trim touch up, and put a final coat of paint on the shutters when I get a call from the vet. "Piggy's ready to be picked up". So I drop what I'm doing there and haul ass back to Martinez, where the power is still out. The vets office's power was out too so they couldn't give me a bill, or do anything useful.

I take Piggy home and then drive back out to Pittsburg and finish up some more stuff. Later I meet with meg back at home who's off school. I start to pack some stuff then we decide that we should do more at the house and make it move-in ready. We end up staying out there till 1:00 am or so and then go home, which has been pretty routine now for a few weeks.

Saturday Meg and her mom go to Ikea to get some shelving and storage solutions. They're gone all frickin day! I'm beat to shit and am now full-on sick with a cold or something. But I forge on. I put all the shutters back up, pull up all the plastic sheeting from the floors, sweep etc. I started to install a ceiling fan we bought but it was too hot and I was feeling like ass. I ended up passing out on the hardwood. Just as I fell asleep, Meg and her mom pull up with boxes of Ikea shit, which of course, it being from Ikea, needs to be assembled.

We all spend the rest of the night building a wall's worth of ceiling high shelving and a wardrobe for the bedroom. It's now 2:15am and we finally put down our tools and go home.

We get home and notice Piggy is breathing fast and his eyes are dilated. After some debate, we decide to take him to the emergency vet.

5 hours and $450 deposit later we get home. Piggy had to stay behind for observation. all that night and day is spent waiting. Call at 8:00am, they say we cant tell whats wrong..... call at 12:00 they say, we're still not sure... call at 5:00 they say.. and finally they tell us to pick him up because they cant tell if the excitement of being at the vet is causing his symptoms or not, so let him go home and relax and if he gets worse call. The bill for the vet is pushing $1000 now. Meg is a wreck and is fearful that we wont be able to afford any more treatment depending on what the final diagnosis is. totally sucks.

We got 3 pills to give him throughout the day. I dare you to try giving a cat a pill. His breathing is still a bit labored but his demeanor has definitely improved.

So yesterday I tried to sleep but it was too damn hot. Meg took some pills that knocked her the fuck out but I hate drugs so I toughed it out. I decided to pack the rest of the CD's, DVD's and books into boxes during commercials of the Sunday movie, Predator and The 101 best SNL Moments of all time.

I finally got to sleep after watching Harold and Khumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. It was fucking off the wall.

This morning we wake up and cant find the cat. We'd blocked off access to under the bed where he likes to hide since we needed to keep an eye on him. so we looked everywhere else but somehow he got through. sneaky cats.

what else? nothing so far, I'm at work typing this. Still tired, still sick and were still not moved in.

Aug 22, 2008

friday no friday

I'm taking today off, but i know you all cant live without your FPB. so here's some pics.

I kinda blew my load with the house/fire pics. sorry.

china are cheaters.
electro-shock therapy!


remember these? so good!

and here's another puppy George pic i found.

so long suckers. have a nice day at work.



Aug 18, 2008

Home Improvement/Fire Update

Just wanted to post some pics of the house's progress. We've been working on all the rooms except the bathroom and kitchen. The bathroom is good enough for now and the kitchen is a whole other project.

I also wanted to give an update on the fire situation I mentioned last week. We got all our stuff out and it more-or-less survived. we were pretty lucky. More on that and some photos down below.

this is the first piece of furniture so far. porch chairs and an old table.

this is what's going in the kitchen. It's on order and should be here next week.

both bedrooms have new carpet and paint!

the miter saw. I used this to cut the crown molding.

before crown..

and after!

I did the living room and both bedrooms. all by myself*.
*Special thanks to Meg, Kathy, Celeste, Steve, Gordon, Dave and Dustin. Who helped make this all possible.

this is the skylight in the dining room

there's that... Now about the fire.

Friday afternoon I talked to a dude that we share our room with he said:

"We called the studio owner. He says our room was one of the better ones and appears to have survived. There was water damage but nothing burned. We're heading over as soon as he gets the room opened. Right now its either arson or an electrical fire."

So after some phone tag we got into the room Friday evening. The studio owner was being really evasive and didn't want anyone in the studio till Monday, despite an apparent OK from the fire dept. Worried that any salvageable equipment could be completely ruined by Monday friends of ours called around and got a hold of the owner of the building the studio is in and he came down to let us in.

We did get pretty lucky. The whole studio was trashed. the room next to ours had a new skylight.. 2nd floor was non existent.

our gear was wet but not soaked. Tons of sheetrock stuff was all over our stuff. But overall I think we're gonna be ok. Some amps and other electrical stuff might be damaged but the important things like guitars and drums I think, for now, are still ok.

After we got all our equipment out into the parking lot I went to get a truck to haul our gear and when I got back there was 4 cop cars there. Jesse got his last piece of gear out and the cop said "no one goes back in there" and they boarded up the entrance.

if the building owner wasn't with us, we might have all been arrested.

here's some pics. the quality sucks because the power was shut off.

So things are still up in the air about where we're all going to practice now. Also theres been murmers of litigation depending on what the fire deptartment finds. I know we didnt have insurance but we're also hoping theres some kind of insurance on the actual studio but we doubt it.

That whole place was a mess to begin with. I guess all in all, its good no one was hurt. There are benefit shows in the works now to help out bands that lost everything. We dont really have a full set of songs finished but we'll do what we can to help.

here's an update to the news article.
"does not come as a surprise to many of its tenants, who said they had long dealt with issues like overloaded circuit breakers, and a lack of adequate sprinklers and smoke detectors.

But the reason they tolerated these conditions, they said, was because there is no other local venue for small bands to rehearse and record."

Aug 15, 2008

Awesome Friday!

I was woken up by a text message at 5am from the guitarist in my band this morning. it said

"Did our shit get burnt up in a fire?"

There was a fire last night at my bands rehearsal studios. All of our shit is basically destroyed. SUPER! If it isnt burnt up, its smashed by the floor above, it its not smashed its definitely waterlogged and possibly melted. They wouldnt let me in this morning, so after work I get to asses the actual damages.

it made the news

Fucking sucks. here's your damn pictures.

nice photoshop, NOT

panda cat

fucking ass shit fuck piss! oh yea we're getting carpet installed today.

have a summer.