Eulogy for a Friend.

First gear.
Last weekend the Clutch master cylinder on my Isuzu Rodeo went out. Saturday, after replacing stairs and shit on my porch my dad and I replaced it. cost me a few hours of daylight and about $60. I also replaced the headlights.

Headlight out, Clutch going out. Not that big of a deal but i think my car was trying to tell me, for the last time, "LET ME DIE"

You see, Suzi and me. Thats what i call my car, Suzi.. SuzISUZU. Suzi and me have been through a lot together. 2 blown clutches, new tires, 3 or 4 major accidents. I left her for dead after a major head on collision in 2001 only to be brought back to life in 2004. then in 2006 she let out her first cry. The head gasket blew. this was a big one. cost almost $900 and countless days and greasy hands to fix. but we fixed it. we've had a few minor ups and downs since but nothing major. Still I should have listened.

I think I was deafened to her cries by my dad. He's a mechanic so he'd rather fix something than replace it. Here i am driving this wrecked, limping pile of metal and plastic that is trying to tell me she wants to just go in peace.

Second Gear.
Tuesday, with a working clutch and 2 working headlights I headed out to work. Halfway to work I start to hear a rattling sound. I chalked it up to some of the clutch fluid lines being knocked lose when we fixed the master cylinder. so i kept on truckin. A few miles further and POP!.. FIZZZ

Something blew in my engine... steam and smoke are billowing out of my hood. I find a place to pull over and call my dad.

8 hours later, when my dad got off work he met me where i left Suzi. In a parking lot in Lafayette. Its now dark, we've poured 3 gallons of water into the radiator. Lets see what happens. My dad takes out one of the spark plugs to see if the cylinder has compression. "turn it over" i turn the key ever so slightly.. POW a blast of water comes shooting out of my engine.. NOT GOOD.

At this point, Mr.Fix it declares Suzi DOA. Another blown head gasket. We weigh all our options and decide we're gonna have to get a tow truck to take it home.

3rd gear.
while waiting for the tow truck ("45-an hour") we get decide to get sandwiches at the Quizno's right next to where Suzi took her final breath.

If you read the noggins you know that Kirk hates the Quizno's but it was there and my dad was into the idea.

As my dad went to the bathroom i was looking over thier lame menu and asked what the peppercorn sauce was. he squirted some on a lid and let me try it. It tasted like bacon grease. and not in a good way. My dad comes back and we decide on the Pastrami somethingorother. they cant just have regular names. everything has pazzaz. We got it with american instead of Swiss and asked what kind of sauce they put on it. He said it was a pepper mustard or something. but it was beige with black spots. mustard isnt supposed to be beige. we asked if we could get regular mustard instead but, and get this shit, THEY DONT HAVE REGULAR MUSTARD!!!!!!!! what the holy fuck is a SANDWICH SHOP doing with no Mustard?!?!?!? MIND FUCKING BOGGLING

He continues, "we have honey mustard, and bourbon honey mustard" why? god damnit in the name of all that is logically holy would you not have mustard?

In my head, as he was showing me the slimy yellow squirt bottles of everything but mustard i was thinking "FUCK THIS, FUCK QUIZNOS... FOREVER..."

so we get back to the car to wait for the tow truck and unwrap our "Toasted Signature Subs" and they arent toasty at all, they are soggy fucking wet messes. must have been the greasy ass puke mustard sauce he drowned our bread in.

so yea. now that we're clear of Quiznos property my thoughts were now verbalized... FUCK THAT PLACE! FUCK QUIZNOS. THAT WAS IT.. NO MUSTARD DUDE, FUCK YOU FOREVER..NEVER AGAIN.. Not even if i'm stranded in the desert and theres an oasis with nothing but SHITno's.. I would starve to death!!!"

thats it guys. the Kirkness will never eat that piece of shit mustard discriminator ever again.

4th gear.
So the truck came, scraped Suzi's carcass off the pavement, took her to the final resting place of many of my family's cars. My grandparents side yard. They have this large car sized area next to thier garage that is fenced in with a big gate. It's kind of like Hospice for cars. Sometimes they pull through, sometimes they dont.

After we get the car in there and the tow truck is gone, my dad says. "you know, since we did it once before it wouldnt take more than an hour to get that head off and replace the ...." before he could even finish the sentence i said NO. "I'm done. I'm through with that car. I dont want to pop that hood ever again!"

5th gear.
So now, my broke ass is on the hunt for a new car. wish me luck. In the meantime i'm driving my brothers 96 Suburban. That thing basically runs on Ca$h. it gets like 2 blocks to the gallon. and with the way gas prices are going up this is not the car to be driving.

thats it. all i have is 5 gears. Just like little Suzi. Rest in peace baby.

SuzIsuzu
Beloved Car and Friend.

1993-2007