Happy Friday

Mi Casa!

since Jimbo was all about showing off his place, I had to show him what our place looks like now with the new kitchen and all. meg's got it pretty well pimped out with hella random shit. here's some pics. its a one room loft/studio above a garage. we have a bathroom too but who the fuck wants to see that? the shower curtain matches the bed spread tho.

I painted!!

hey mofo's, now that we're basicly settled in up in our place, i busted out my paints! I've had these wood plaques since before christmas and have been dying to give them some art love. I shit out two paintings since yesterday. check em out!

this one is called "crunchy taco" acrylic on 5 x 7 plaque

this one i really like, its called "wingman" or "I got stuck with my old boss as my guardian angel"
acrylic on 7 x 7 plaque

now that i'm all arty again I might as welll bring up that one of my designs is making a good run on Threadless.com. click here and vote on this shit.. make sure to select "Buy Me"

If you ever feel like buying ANYTHING on that site use this link to get to threadless.
http://www.threadless.com/?streetteam=kirksheltonart I get hooked up with referral points and shit.

this one just got approved!! go vote!
I also sketched this at work, i think its a cool idea. its definatly a social commentary. i wanna work more on it and make it better.
ok thats it.. im juiced i painted. more to come!

oh thursday...

i wish you were friday. Lost was pretty good, not the best but good. I like the Hurley episodes but i really hate the idea that its all in his head. thats pretty fucking weak. This episode should have been called "Hurley is hella fat".
Dave was definatly in his head, but I think it was him just extra stressed and needed Dave to help him cope, in this case justify contemplating suicide. the only thing that really fucked with me was Libby being at the Hospital. that was a Libby flashback not a Hurley one... i'd hoped they would confront this issue in the episode but they made it a cliffhanger. I cant accept it being in hurley's head tho.
and Henry... what a fucking jerk off. He still never told Locke his real name. But we now know that he IS an other and he knows a lot more about the island. what the hell was the "god doesnt know" bullshit? what was he trying to say with that. that the island isnt real... that they dont believe in god? and he said "this place is a joke" did he say that because he knew about this place all the time as being a test to see who would push the button? If he didnt push the button, then my theories about the drop are wrong. everything was really vague in this episode. no REAL anwers except Henry is an other, and that Libby was in the hospital with hurley. We also found out what hurleys accident was. his fat ass broke a deck and killed 2 people.

I hope next week is better. seems like it will be a lot about Henry and the others. Also it looks like they deal with Walt finally.

I worked 3 hours of overtime last night to get some bullshit done. I was up hella late doing house shit making up for the 3 hours late i was getting home. now i'm hella tired.

I painted last night too. i'll get a photo of it later when i get home. its a taco.

meow.

go right ahead!

so i'm at Jack In the Box just now.. the ghetto one i go to. I walk up to the register and theres 2 dudes in front of me and a crowd of people in front of the 2nd register. As I'm waiting there this bitch and her kids walks in through the side door, which is right near the line. her kids make thier way through the crowd and get up to the registers then her wide ass follows in the wake. right then they woman, in my line says "how may i help you" and as im both glancing at the menu and about to say what i want her kid snakes me and orders. ahh shit well he's a kid i'll let him pass, then the other line is open and i start to shift over to order and before i realize what is happening the stupid mom, and the other kid are in front of me ordering. im thinking .. "hey you cant.. you cant take both lines.. and um, i was next" and also i'm in the hood so im not about to pitch a bitch about a black mom and her kids cuttin in line. its not the end of the world after all.. but as she totally cut me off... twice, I make eye contact with the register girl from my original line and raise my arms like "WTF?" she nods and makes like as soon as this kid is gone it's all me. OK sweet finally. so the kid gets his change and then some other lady who just walked in from the secret side entrance walks right by me and starts to order. Now I'm pissed! so what if youre old, who the fuck are you, im next biaaattch. the register girl sorta made note of the situation and acted confused as i kinda cut in... what bitch, do i have "IGNORE ME" on my shirt? "i said, actuall i'm next... i've been next for like the last 3 people" when i finally got my day in the sun i almost turned to the line and said "anyone else want to cut in front of me?" shit, it's amazing how a little trip to Jack in the Crack can piss you off so much. so now im steaming pissed waiting for my shit and this bitch with her kids can do nothing more than complain. about the chairs, about why she cant see her car from the dining area, why her shit is taking so long.. yadda yadda. I wanted to tell her off but it reminded me of that black congresswoman who is saying the cop at the capital check point is racist because when she didnt go through the security checkpoint or show ID, and then didnt stop when the guard asked her to 3 times, he grabbed her bythe shoulder to get her ID, she slugged him because he was "racial profiling" whaaaat?

so anyway, i didnt want the lady with the kids to make a fucking federal case about it, which is literally what the congresswoman is doing.

anyway.. fuckin' a man. people are assholes.

wish you were here

i hate it when they put that on post cards. no shit asshole. you're at the beach and i'm at work fuck you. It's like they create those cards to piss off your friends that arent in a cool ass place.
Wait a sec, who the fuck wants to be in Youngstown Ohio? seriously out of all the rad cities in Ohio.... Youngstown? you dont get to put that on your postcards. Better yet you dont even get to have postcards. You shouldnt even hang on to your hotel reciept once you leave. "I wish you were here so i could bitch about this place without having to spend 39 cents on postage" the nerve!

the most honest postcard i ever saw was in Lincoln Nebraska. It was a blank black card and on the back it said "Lincoln Nightlife" i laughed at the yokels in the gas station and then we left.

speaking of post cards, Rita is on vacation this week. she went to the beach can you spot her in this google earth image?

hi rita!

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fuck man, I need a vacation.

my secret identity revealed

So when I got into Myspace a while back, before I quit that shit, I started to notice how lame people were on there. how shallow and in need of attention they were. So I started a fake account to basicly talk shit about the morons on there and then send then add requests for the hell of it. pretty much all of them accepted my request. because they just want to boost thier friend count. so lame. my name on there was F5, like the function key on your computer. the idea was to make it like a fake contest. so on your "home" page there's always 3 "cool new people" photos featured on the right hand side. well some of them just spoke to me, some were typical and lame. so I had a little contest every time i'd hit F5 (refresh screen). if they were truly retarded they'd "win" and i'd send them a message, which i thought were funny. you can view them in the blog section of the F5 page.
I would also write nonsensical bulletin messages which were just long pointless stories meant to offend and/or entertain. since no one knew who i was I could basicly write anything i wanted too. and be as raunchy as i wanted too also. so if you are offended, remember, i wrote this as F5, a fictional entity, not me. this is one of the stories i saved, since they were bulletins most of them were deleted.

enjoy.

remember the count from sesame street.. i think he had parkinsins..

anyway Here in the F5 dance club of pain, we have a workshop where we've hired homeless people to build immitation ethnic nick nacks that we sell in bulk to Cost Plus and Pier 1 Imports. since our secret workshop is at the bottom of the Indian Ocean, technically its an "import". We hired homeless people because they will "WORK FOR FOOD"... BEER, SEX, whatever thier clever homemade signs say.. i gues you cant really say "home" made bacause they are indeed HOME less. cornermade? either way its pretty sad because they had to use a part of thier cardboard house to make the sign. anyway.. were good folks here at F5 and figured we'd give em a job, some food and a new box from our shipping dept every month. those guys are tidy tho. and thats what i wanted to talk about today.
So, there is a control room and headquarters, which basicly resembles Austin Powers' airplane interior but theres lots of buttons and monitors and stuff. and then theres the workshop. which kinda looks like the mail room in the belly of the Empire State Building. but its tidy. ....see we here in the control room are arrogant uppity bitches and we dont like doing shit except making winners and drinking Vodka. but the gloms in the workshop are used to doing shit for themselves.. it takes drive to get out there and sit on a corner for 12 hours. so thier workshop is pretty nice... all but the babmoo shavings and sawdust next to the machines.
About 2 months ago the shipping routes for the biggest resturant food supplier changed. they used to pass over us and we'd hi-jack them in the night and get enough to feed(pay) the workers in the shop. well, since they dont pass over head anymore they didnt have the energy to both make asian hadicrafts AND clean the diarhea splatters off the inner ring of the toilets. or pick up the bloody tampons that some of the female winners throw on the floor. Jocasta its been especially bad from you.. yes we know its you. (by tamopons i'm metaphoricly reffering to Bulletins) anyway.. since we cant give them the extra frozen tater tots anymore they've just flat out refused to clean our control tower bathrooms. so they are a fucking mess now. its our own doing.
Once after beating the shit out of this old asian woman who makes the baskets, I had to wash the piss smell, shit and blood off my hands so I used the shop bathroom. To my suprise it was fucking GLEAMING!! these fuckers really know how to clean a bathroom.. I mean, it was better than our bathroom when they cleaned it. So i took the liberty of summoning an unholy turd to further extend my pleasant stay at Hotel Shithouse.
The shop workers were pissed that i left the stench and also didnt flush. fuck them, they can go back to the streets if they dont like it.. I'm providing a humanitarian service damnit!

F5 for the Ethical Treatment of Fake Imported Handicrafts

have a wonderful evening!

The Not-As-Great Italian

My Letter to RELS Foods, maker of the Great Italian.

To Whom it may concern,

I have enjoyed your "Great Italian" sandwich for many years now. It has the perfect blend of meats and cheese. The size of the soft baguette roll is just enough to satisfy my appetite but not too much bread that it makes the sandwich dry. It is a surprisingly tasty and fresh treat you can find at most convinent stores and gas stations. The part about the Great Italian I enjoy the most was the two pepperoncinis that were included in the package. This was a very nice touch to an already delightful sandwich. Since there was no veggies on the sandwich, having the peppers was just perfect and set this sandwich apart from the rest of the pre-packaged sandwiches in the deli isle.

Today I was very upset when I reached for my favorite quick meal and noticed black olives in the place of the pepperoncinis. "how could they?" i thought to myself. I really looked forward to the pickeled, peppery goodness that complimented this sandwich. The black olives arent really doing anything for this sandwich in my opinion.

From a great fan of the Great Italian, and a loyal customer I beg you to please bring back the peppers. If there is a reason they can not be packaged or sold this way I understand. But the peppers will be missed. And regretfully, so will the Great Italian.


Sincerely,
Kirk Shelton

If you are a fan of the Great Italian write to them and tell them to reinstate the pepperoncinis!

Rels Foods Incorporated

955 W Grand Ave

Oakland, CA 94607

Weekend with Slim

Meg and I hooked up with J-Slim and Kendra for some compras domésticas. We went to Target and Trader Joes. We go to Target now after we saw "WALMART, The High Cost of Low Price". That is like the Supersize Me of discount stores. Walmart is fucked... proper fucked. J-Slim and I were sending eachother pix messages from different parts of the store. J-Slim cracks me up, he send me these beaut's.

I love you Slim.

I sent him this one, I am not as cool, but my camera phone is.

well, that was our day.

7 days my ass!

Ok so.. when my "one can short" shirt design got accepted it said it was going to be in the running for 7 days. but the sonsabitches took it down after one day because of low score. WTF is that about? I mean what if all the people i told to vote werent going to get around to it until the 3rd day? what if on day 4 my popularity snowballed and i got hella votes by the 7th day. that just doesnt seem fair. oh well, my other design with the nubs got accepted this morning. so when you go to vote, make sure you not only give it a 5, but check the "I'd Buy" box too. appearantly the people that run that site are bitches and sometimes dont even print the ones that win or print ones that dont win because the "like" them. why do i keep submitting?

GO VOTE.. click I'd Buy!