Apr 4, 2006

my secret identity revealed

So when I got into Myspace a while back, before I quit that shit, I started to notice how lame people were on there. how shallow and in need of attention they were. So I started a fake account to basicly talk shit about the morons on there and then send then add requests for the hell of it. pretty much all of them accepted my request. because they just want to boost thier friend count. so lame. my name on there was F5, like the function key on your computer. the idea was to make it like a fake contest. so on your "home" page there's always 3 "cool new people" photos featured on the right hand side. well some of them just spoke to me, some were typical and lame. so I had a little contest every time i'd hit F5 (refresh screen). if they were truly retarded they'd "win" and i'd send them a message, which i thought were funny. you can view them in the blog section of the F5 page.
I would also write nonsensical bulletin messages which were just long pointless stories meant to offend and/or entertain. since no one knew who i was I could basicly write anything i wanted too. and be as raunchy as i wanted too also. so if you are offended, remember, i wrote this as F5, a fictional entity, not me. this is one of the stories i saved, since they were bulletins most of them were deleted.


remember the count from sesame street.. i think he had parkinsins..

anyway Here in the F5 dance club of pain, we have a workshop where we've hired homeless people to build immitation ethnic nick nacks that we sell in bulk to Cost Plus and Pier 1 Imports. since our secret workshop is at the bottom of the Indian Ocean, technically its an "import". We hired homeless people because they will "WORK FOR FOOD"... BEER, SEX, whatever thier clever homemade signs say.. i gues you cant really say "home" made bacause they are indeed HOME less. cornermade? either way its pretty sad because they had to use a part of thier cardboard house to make the sign. anyway.. were good folks here at F5 and figured we'd give em a job, some food and a new box from our shipping dept every month. those guys are tidy tho. and thats what i wanted to talk about today.

So, there is a control room and headquarters, which basicly resembles Austin Powers' airplane interior but theres lots of buttons and monitors and stuff. and then theres the workshop. which kinda looks like the mail room in the belly of the Empire State Building. but its tidy.
....see we here in the control room are arrogant uppity bitches and we dont like doing shit except making winners and drinking Vodka. but the gloms in the workshop are used to doing shit for themselves.. it takes drive to get out there and sit on a corner for 12 hours. so thier workshop is pretty nice... all but the babmoo shavings and sawdust next to the machines.
About 2 months ago the shipping routes for the biggest resturant food supplier changed. they used to pass over us and we'd hi-jack them in the night and get enough to feed(pay) the workers in the shop. well, since they dont pass over head anymore they didnt have the energy to both make asian hadicrafts AND clean the diarhea splatters off the inner ring of the toilets. or pick up the bloody tampons that some of the female winners throw on the floor.
Jocasta its been especially bad from you.. yes we know its you. (by tamopons i'm metaphoricly reffering to Bulletins) anyway.. since we cant give them the extra frozen tater tots anymore they've just flat out refused to clean our control tower bathrooms. so they are a fucking mess now. its our own doing.
Once after beating the shit out of this old asian woman who makes the baskets, I had to wash the piss smell, shit and blood off my hands so I used the shop bathroom. To my suprise it was fucking GLEAMING!! these fuckers really know how to clean a bathroom.. I mean, it was better than our bathroom when they cleaned it. So i took the liberty of summoning an unholy turd to further extend my pleasant stay at Hotel Shithouse.
The shop workers were pissed that i left the stench and also didnt flush. fuck them, they can go back to the streets if they dont like it.. I'm providing a humanitarian service damnit!

F5 for the Ethical Treatment of Fake Imported Handicrafts

have a wonderful evening!


jimbizzle said...

I used to read the F5 stuff. It was funny. Never knew it was you.

phlegmfatale said...

Wow - despite all I've heard, you at last have given me a reason to be curious about MySpace. No, I won't be signing up, but I'll read the F5 - sounds hilarious.

phlegmfatale said...

OK, based on my 3 minute tour of MySpace, PLEASE tell me ALL those people are joking?

jimbizzle said...

No joke. 100% winners!