Kirknoggins: Officer Triglycerides

Oct 26, 2007

Officer Triglycerides

So I went in for a physical like a month ago. The doc said everything sounded cool but he wanted to do some pee and blood tests. so, as if i was at a kegger, I wrote my name on a plastic party cup and pissed in it.

Anyway he said "call monday for your results" and since nothing having to do with that fucking doctors office goes without incident, i called at like 11:00 and they werent in. nice hours assholes.

for another 2 weeks I kept forgetting to call and then this Monday i called, at like 9:00 to make sure those slackers were there. I called and a woman answered "Doctor Fuckface's office" I told her I needed some test results and the line was silent and then went dead. what the fuck?! so i called back and this time she answered "HELLO?!"with a snotty tone. I said "HELLO?!" back and then she said "Doctor Fuckface's office" but still kinda rude like.. so i told her again and pretty abruptly repied "The doctor isnt here. He's on vactation till wednesday... call back wednesday" and before i could even say thank you she hung up on me.

slutface! .. so i gave the good doctor an extra day and called back yesterday. She answers again "Doctor Fuckface's office" i told her my deal and said "ok please hold" then like 20 seconds later i hear her "are you still there?" then the doctors voice "are you on speaker phone?" i was like uuuh no... then i listened while he and the receptionist tried to figure out how to turn off speakerphone for like 2 minutes. are you fucking kidding me, what is this amateur hour?

finally, they figured it out. He said "hello kirk are you there?" and i had to switch gears from annoyed spectator to patient. He said everything looked good. but my Triglycerides are a little high. Now instead of doing what you'd think a doctor would do and suggest changing my diet and trying to cut out certain things and excercise more. Or what one website suggests.

keep an active lifestyle
eat a healthy diet low in saturated fats and trans fats
use lower fat dairy or cheese instead of regular version
trim visible fats from meats
cook with canola, olive or peanut oils (read The Best Cooking Oils?)

include high-fiber foods such as whole grains, oatmeal and fruits
limit sugar intake such as pop, Kool-aid, and other sweetened beverages
limit alcohol to maximum 1 drink a day
include Omega 3 -rich foods such as Salmon, Fish Oils and Flax seed
do not over-eat; watch portion size when eating out
keep a healthy weight. Use our BMI Calculator to find out if your weight falls within the healthy range.

Nah, ol Fuckface goes right to the pills.. the magic cure for all. he just says.. "Niacin. you can get it at any pharmacy over the counter with no prescription. Its with the vitamins. take one of these with dinner every night. that will help with your triglycerides. "

ok thanks doc. does this mean i can continue to eat McGriddles and shit just as long as I pop a Niacin with it? This sounds like Catholic Confession way of doctorin' .

I dunno about this guy. anyway, pictures were sparse this week but i drew drawings.