Did i tell you about the Doves?

Yesterday I walk up to reception to get candy and theres this huge bird cage. like 3x3x3ft black iron cage next to the front door.

wtf? So I ask the receptionist "what the hell is this?" she tells me that the owner of the company decided that we need Doves. so, very soon, our office will have a big ass cage with 2 doves in it.

the reason... unknown. no one knows. but he's the boss so no one questions him. maybe its part of his magic show.

Matt, who is management has the office closest to where the birds will live.. but the thing is, Matt, is one of those people who are allergic to everything.
he's looking forward to being high on allergy meds. all day
this place sucks.

I know I cant wait!

Happy Leap Day!

I got a free McSkillet out of it! buy a Large coffee and get a free McSkillet Leap Day Special... the rub is, that I already had coffee.. so I dont know how much of a great deal it was. Oh well.


They put this in the McDonalds Lobby for the occasion. If youre wondering, no, that stuff isnt plastic, its all real, and fresh. Kinda like false advertising if you ask me. they should put the frozen prepackaged eggs and pre-chopped frozen packets of veggies up there.



anyway, see you in 4 years or whatever.. happy leap day. Drink your fucking photos.

yes, this is a real magazine. and yes, my office has a subscription.
and yes, you can read it in our lobby while you wait.

I've been here 30 years, and i'm still trying to find it. nice try tho tinez.

free skateboard!

i love it when they have paper tablecloths

Kirkty Dumpty

coloured with coffee

a nice one from our latest noggins contributor, Steve.

Everyone say THANKS STEVE! nice funny sign. and extra points for the Lost reference. Speaking of Lost. Time travel? c'mon man.. I dig it, i love that shit but I didnt think Lost was gonna go there. So the reason Penny is looking for Desmond and knows about the island is because Future Desmond went back and told her? wonderful.

FUGG!!!1!!!!!

have a good weekend choad lickers.

Foreign or Retarded? Part 2

Back in November I posted this noggin about a dude that worked here who was a little different..

Foreign or Retarded?

They just hired this guy to translate all of our manuals from Engrish to Dutch. So, he's from Dutch or something. Holland right? Somewhere in Europe. anyway. I cant tell if the shit he does is just weird because he's from a different culture or if its because he's a retard.

Everyday he passes my cube in the morning and greets me. nothing wrong with a greeting but the accent in his voice and his over excitement has a faint odor of mentally challenged. I'm sure he's really intelligent because he's trained as an engineer. enough so that he'd translating technical jargon for us.

Last Monday I heard him going cube to cube telling people it was his birthday. then he finally got to my cube. in his Hollish accent he says "Hello, It's my birthday today" and offered me a prewrapped carrot cake out of a box of carrot cakes. Now, is this something they do in Ductchland or is it just that he's a retard? Seemed weird.

Maybe he thinks we're all retarded for voting for Bush and shopping at Walmart and driving Hummers.. oh wait we are retarded.

One thing that I forgot to mention then, or maybe I hadnt realised it yet is that he sucks at computers. Which was kind of cute at first but then started to get on everyones nerves.

So like I said, he was hired to translate our manuals, which he was good at, but the hugest obstacle for him was that he basically didn't know how to operate a fucking computer. So when everyone around him got sick of showing him how to save documents, or how to edit text in Word. One of his biggest problems was finding a document that he saved but didnt know where he saved it too.

Everyone here started to have this kind of "OK marcel, what is it NOOOW?" attitude, which apparently he couldn't tolerate any more.

Then, well, snapped. I was out in the shop and saw him talking to one manager. then after I came back to my cube they both go to his cube and he's yelling.. Verbally having a meltdown in his goofy accent.

"yeu cant treat me like dis... yeu treate me like eh .. like eh, nose uppity, like I am some kind of eediot. yadda yadda"

well dude, you are an idiot. Come back when you learn Windows and Office.

Then he storms to the C.O.O's office and does the same thing.. then the next thing I know he's in his cube taking down his pictures and then left.

Later dude. fuck, its a good thing I don't work at the post office. I could be dead.

ADDENDUM:

Some people might think that I am being insensitive to someone new to this country and their difficulties fitting in. I'd like to point out that most of this post is in jest and is not meant to harm or hurt anyone. I wish Marcel the best and hope he finds a new job. I now realize that i should have taken more time to point him in towards resources that could have helped him improve his computer skills.

I wish I had the balls to tell of my boss and quit like that but nonetheless, I am a big, fat, stupid, American that has been stripped of all my basic pride and hope. But, because I am too much of a pussy to move or even hope for change, I accept the status quo and make fun of those who do not so I can feel better about myself.

God Bless America.

Dear, City of Martinez.

I came back from the skatepark Saturday morning with my new blue grip tape covered in muddy footprints, I felt the need to vent my frustrations.
So I wrote this letter. I havent sent it, nor ever will but writing it is somewhat cathartic.

Dear Martinez,

Loose Gravel poured around a skatepark is NOT "landscaping" and a dirt field with potholes that turns into mud-gravel and huge puddles is NOT a "parking lot"

Also if youre wondering why all the skaters and bmxers are still destroying the ledges at the new Amtrak station its because theres lights. Its hard to "enjoy" the skatepark you built to keep kids off the sidewalks, when it gets dark at 7:00.

sincerely,
angry skater and taxpayer

Later that day I see the local Contra Costa Times on the kitchen table and felt compelled to write this...


To Whom It May Concern,

Last weekend I was skating at the skatepark, and some uncoordinated kids showed up with their parents. Too scared to roll in on their brand new Walmart bmx bikes... the sister of these kids was on some lame bike with a purse attached to the handlebars..

photo from CCtimes

anyway, I see the cover of the Contra Costa Times today and its that same little girl, on her stupid bike with familiar graffiti in the background with the headline "Smile Youre on Camera" .

The article was about how Martinez is going to spend "$25,000 to install surveillance cameras in hotspots for graffiti and other crime, including the skate park at the marina and the Alhambra Avenue Safeway."

Heh, Tom, Marco and I were there when they took the photos for this article. How nice of them to actually ask SKATERS what they think.

whats that say? NO BIKES? interesting.

So, you can't pour real pavement for a parking lot, put in lights, or landscape the skatepark with something that doesn't cause skaters to crash, but you can spend our money for spying on kids? $25000 well spent guys. Graffiti is the problem with this park?

"Rather than putting money into ineffective cameras that are invasive to our privacy, law enforcement should put money into foot patrols, improved lighting and community policing," said Mark Schlosberg from the ACLU.

No fucking shit.

I wonder if those cameras will be used to stop all the kids from illegally riding bikes in there... including the kids in these photos. I'd like to ad that bike tires track in the gravel.

where's your skateboard you tard?

I'm willing to bet that those kids' parents wrote this article and this trip to the skatepark was a planned photo-op for the CC Times. and to top it off... they took their kids(on bikes) to get photos of kids "playing" (also known as getting-in-the-way) in a SKATEpark Nice one. you know what else? ..your kids are dorks.


link... http://www.contracostatimes.com/searc...mp;nclick_check=1

the graffiti does suck. It's misspelled, drawn horribly and some of it was even done in pink house paint by a local bum. But it doesn't make the park unsafe or unskatable. it just looks like crap... but in a way adds charm to the skatepark.

My gripe is with the city leaving the park, what i think is unfinished giving the implication that it ran out of money for such things, but then can spend money on this.

I hate city politics... god dammit I really need to go to the city council meetings .. possibly run for something too. this city's decisions are being made by a bunch of stupid uppity windbags.

thanks for your time.
Muddyfeet Sprainedwrist

I dont even know

that statement pretty much sums up LOST and many other things in the world.

Paula Abdul is back, auto-tuned and everything! John McCain is a Lobbyist lover.. on many levels.

One of the Johnson & Johnson heirs is making movies about how lame rich people are.. sweet.

Whats the deal with Ben? what was it 5.2 million dollars? seriously Miles? money? you scumbag waste of mysterious ability build up.

here's some pictures...

probably the coolest thing my grandma ever got me

theres something that just doesn't seem to belong here in the office supply tray.

more free stuff!

that bathroom definitely smelled.. um, different.

I made a shirt from that Stanton Friedman stencil..and then made a couple more stencils

got a new skaterboard! its a Gonz!

buddah says everything is "OK" with the international hand sign for "okay"

I dont even know.

Chickens McPigeons

YUM!



when the rain stops, I'll stop murdering puppies in my dreams.
have a weekend.

The Gruesome Family

I just read this post Rita sent me about some people with the worst neighbors probably ever. Only slightly tolerated by the entertainment value of how hill-fucking-billy they were.

http://15minutelunch.blogspot.com/2005/01/holy-crap-squattersons-moved-out.html

here's my similar but not nearly as good story.

when i was a kid we kinda had neighbors like that
we called them The Gruesomes. The owner and father fell kind of ill, and fat and unable to do stuff for himself.. when his 4 or 5 kids became teens and adults they were all white trash and lazy.. and pretty much took over the place. We used to sing "The Gruesome Family" in the tune of the Adams Family theme song.

They had all the typical shit. half of cars in the yard. 4 old rusty cars in the driveway. dirt lawn, etc etc etc

(i dont have pics, so these are from the internets. pardon)

There was at least 12 people living there at all times with various crazy dogs over the years tied to something connected to the house or stuck into the ground. There was an orange tree dividing our property and there was always moldy penicillin ridden oranges carpeting the tops of the cars and the driveway.


I remember when the dad/owner died someone else inherited the property and kicked everyone out. It was a glorious day.

whoever ended up with it got it all cleaned up and repainted with a nice little yard. No one really knew who he was, or asked.. we didn't care. the Gruesomes were gone.

But the saga continued. the person selling it never disclosed t a little piece of info to prospective buyers about what happens when we get a heavy rain.

Our house, and the Gruesome Monaor are at the bottom of two hills. so all the rain water runs and collects there. It was supposed to go down the sewer drain in front of the Gruesomes' house but it always backs up and floods. At least every year, maybe twice a year depending on the storms, their driveway and front yard would be raging rivers. That may or may not have gone into the house.

The back yard was 2-3 ft deep easy. I remember the year when the house was vacant going back there and playing in the "pool" of water that filled the entire back yard.


Eventually new owners moved in.. everything was cool.. new family with little kids ... then winter came - they freaked. I think i remember them saying something about having to replace carpeting.. which now that i think about it, this means the Gruesomes, who i know never replaced carpet had been living in soggy moldy floors all those years.

we were like "they didn't tell you it does this?" their jaws dropped. They sued the seller, and the city. and we got new sewers and drains.

no more lake Gruesome

A few years ago one of the Grousoms' sons, was renting a place around the corner from where I am now.. same crap.. broken cars, big dogs on ropes, dirt lawn, loud arguments - Grousoms part 2

i think they got kicked out.

The new owners still live there.. they briefly tried to rent it out and live in a new place, turning their noses up at Boynton Ave, but then moved back with tails between their legs.. the husband cheated on his wife with the red haired lady across the street but thats a whole other story.

Napkins.

Taco Bell Sauce Drawer pt.2

So yeah I hate when u have to ask for sauces. As I mentioned before, the Burger King in San Fran charged you for extra sauce. The napkins too. they didnt charge but had that shit on lockdown.

I just hated getting to-go orders and forgetting to ask for napkins, then getting back to my office and not have any. bastards!

I'm also not a fan of the new "one-at-a-time" napkin despensers Mcdonalds has now.

I like to grab a fat stack of napkins 30% of which I wont use. But since they're still nicely stacked I can save them for later, or keep them in my car for when I sneeze nose jizz all over myself.

instead, now i have a big wadded up ball of napkins which i wont use, and end up throwing away because they're in a completely useless wad on my tray, or in my pocket.

Some people dont eat fast food anymore so they dont have to deal with it anymore.
good for them! i'm not gonna deny it. i like it

i've seen fast food nation and super size me, and i still like it. its fucked up and gross, but i'm straight edge.. i need a vice.

The Taco Bell Sauce Drawer

Last week i posted this pic from the walnut creek TacoBell where they're totally trusting with their sauce and napkins. That got me thinking about all the extra Mild Sauce I always end up with and how it all ends up in a big ziplock in a drawer.

No matter how much taco bell you order, something compels you to grab 2 huge handfulls of sauce.

Now, for what I thought was to counter the grabbing of too much sauce that ends up in the taco bell sauce drawer, the Tacobell in Martinez doesn't allow you to get your own sauce.. they've recently started to ask you if you want it and they put it into your bag for you..

but whats funny is, even if you're getting 2 tacos they grab a huge handful of sauce and put it in your bag. Maybe even the employees feel compelled to grab way too much just like us. After all they're human too.

Theres something about that tub of unopened goodness that makes you just want to shove your hand to the bottom and shovel as many as you can.



it apperantly works for cleaning pennies too. not that pennies are worth cleaning. they're fucking pennies. and still worth one lousy cent clean or dirty. Even if you get one of those cool old ones with no lincoln memorial on it.. still, one fucking cent.

I hate getting pennies, but I love it when I can actually use them. I feel like I won a contest or something. the prize? I have 7 less pennies in my pocket weighing me down.

Maybe the secret addictive flavor in Taco Bell Sauce is metal polish?

YUM

moral support

If anyone says "good morning" to me today i'm going to have to disagree with them. this is not a good morning. i think the only thing good about this morning is that there was no traffic coming to work. oh yea, thats because the rest of the country has the day off. Fucking shit.

My stomach hurts from eating too much cheese yesterday. I spilled coffee all over my new hoodie. Some jack ass was blasting shitty country music at the gas station at 6:30 this morning. I'm at fucking work!

School is turning out to be a lot harder than i wanted it to be. I'm not really liking it. oh wow, looks like i'm bleeding. i must have scraped my hand on something. awesome.

I'm still at work. I hate it here. this coffee tastes like shit too. Why is Photoshop taking 15 minutes to open? why does it make my whole computer useless while its starting up?

why am i not still in bed celebrating the birthdays of great presidents in history?

oh yea, i work here. You know, I think i have the only bulky CRT monitor in this office. The contrast is so blown out it's impossible to view dark images or photos. But i cant say anything because the work i do is all black lines on a white background. So i'm eternally fucked.

I know, it could be worse...

I could be starving with AIDS in africa or something. .. heck then maybe i might get to meet Angelina Jolie.

or i could be this guy http://www.att.net/p/s/community.dll?ep=87&subpageid=239571&ck=

or I could be Lauren. i guess there is somewhat of a silver lining.

i apologize

I apologize for the lack of posts this week, and in advance for the crappy photos today.

its been a kind of weird week. school's got me all stressed out. I even blanked out and forgot to watch Lost last night. I ended up watching it on line when i got up this morning. Lots of new weird stuff that creates a million more questions and answers nothing.

yay Lost! pictures:

mustache

photoshop


this is my favorite cup.

haircutting

I'm so used to ghetto fast food places this Walnut Creek Taco Bell threw me off. For example, at the TacoBell, in MArtinez even, they keep the sauce behind the counter now. in the posh WC, they got everything right out there for you . The burger King in the city i went to charged you for Honey Mustard. this T-bell needs to get BUM RUSHED!

yee haw! happy friday.