Newness!

hey shit heads. i changed the look of the noggins slightly. i hope you dont hate it.

also just so this isnt a "hey look i changed the color" post. here's a little con

me: I just missed a major traffic jam this morning
tom: how long does it normally take you to get there?
me: as i came out of the tunnel the traffic report says "major accident, overturned truck etc.. at telegraph ave on hwy 24 west" it takes usually like 40 - 60mins
tom: dude, it probably got real ulgly.
me: anyway, i'm like 3 exits from Telegraph and see no traffic. actually lighter than usual. then i get to College Ave, the exit i take, the one before Telegraph and i see a wall of cars. Now its 8:30 and people are calling into work "I'm gonna be late traffic is backed up to walnut Creek"

tom: (re: the post below this one) Your parents are nudists?
me: yea
tom: That's the best thing ever
me: until they say "you and meg should come 'camping' with us.. its fun and you dont have to be naked if you dont want to"
tom: LOLOL!
me: thats when i chugged a bottle of listerine to get the puke taste out of my throat
tom: Is it a later in life thing, or have they always been into it?
me: started around when my younger brother graduated i think. i didnt realise that "camping" meant the nudist place till like 6 years ago. i dont care really, as long as they are happy.
tom: I could never do it, but I think it's got to be a pretty liberating thing to do.
me: they have some friends they met there and my dad always tells me funny stories and shit about them .. i cant get passed a mental image of them naked sitting around a campfire
tom: I bet! I'd interrupt every story every few minutes with the question, "...and you were naked?"
me: one time i went over to their house after work on a friday.. there was a set of brand new towels on the table.. i asked my mom why she got such cheap towels. they were visibly thinner than usual and from the dollar store or something...

she said "they're just for sitting on"

"sitting on?" i asked...

"yea its a rule at the place we go, you have to carry a towel with you every where so you can use it to sit on"

GROSS

tom: LOL. Without that rule, you'd be pretty skeeved about every chair, and bench.
me: oh i know.. i got mental pictures of shit stained plastic patio chairs and couch cushions.. of old fat people that cant wipe thier asses good.. and shit stained white towels. and this is why underwear is a good thing your honor, i rest my case.
tom: HAHAHA!!!!

Worst Photo Friday Ever.

I'd like to apologize in advance for what could very well be the worst photo friday ever. I just wasnt in it this week. I didnt see much to take pics of or have the opportunity to get pics.

anyway that sucks so i'll tell a story. This morning at Mcdonalds, as i was waiting at the counter for my morning #2 this large black woman with a kick ass, late 80's bobby brown meets nell carter hair doo comes in. She's on the phone and then heaves her self over the counter and yells "Hey?" to the Drive thru lady who's busy filling hashbrown baggies for the long line of cars outside. again i hear "HEY?" and look over. It was hard to tell if she was saying "hey" to the person on the phone or the lady with the drive thru head set on. She finally gets her attention and the drive thru lady politely asks what she needed. the out of breath, on the phone woman I can now see is not only on the phone but 3/4 of the way through a sausage mcmuffin gestures again to the lady. I also notice that she has a huge hunk of egg on her face next to her mouth. not on the edge of her lip, but almost on her chin. She then holds up a Super Gut Buster cup from AM/PM of all places and demands very eloquently "EEHT SPEEALT" ( translation: it spilled) with a huge bite of egg, sausage and muffin in her mouth. some of which you could see as she talked. the drive thru worker looked at her like WTF SPILLED YOU FUCKING SLOB? then again a bit louder and slower she barked "EEEEET SPEEAALLT" and gestured her egg face down to the cup that she at this point had just decided to set on the counter. She now used her extra free hand and arm, along with her huge ass to support herself against the counter. The drive thru lady nodded as to say ok bitch i got it you fucking clumbsy piece of shit either spilled this or you drank it all before you got out of the parking lot and want a refill then the slobzilla calms down a notch and continues to yack on the phone.

I got my shit and left. here's some pics.

this is a pin from the nudist camp my parents go to.

new benicia-martinez bridge opened up finally.

drawings

told you it sucked.

about that Idaho politician that said "I'M NOT GAY". its not like he was misunderstood or something. it wasn't some random gay cop that said he tried to proposition him. it was a fucking sting operation set up to catch gay dudes looking for sex in public bathrooms. i highly doubt that he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. this dude is a total homo and he got busted. Its like getting popped in a prostitution sting and saying "oh i was just giving her directions to the highway"

why cant these homo fucks just come out of the closet and be gay. oh yea because it goes against ever conservative christian republican agenda. HYPOCRITES!!!!!! stop voting for them.


have a good 3 day weekend. watch out for those public bathroom gay sex sting operations.

its KIRK with 2 K's and an i.

not Curt, Kert, Cert, Curk, or Kurk or Keith or Craig or Kevin..
i go to starbucks like everyday and they always get it wrong, today was especially noteworthy.

starbucks guy that looks like Andy Dick: "what was the name on that"
me: "KIRK" (heavily pronounced last K)
Andy Dick: "ok KIRK, like on startrek.. oh sorry i bet you get that a lot"
me: "yeah, its ok"

when i get my coffee it says Kert. dude what the fuck we just went through the star trek shit.




the one time they got it right!

(first posted on my old myspace blog oct. 17 2006)

side effects may include...

So I'm watching TV. As most of you I'm sure have, I notice the high amount of commercials for prescription, and over the counter medication for all kinds of stuff from laxatives to erectile dysfunction pills. making people better is great, but besides the fucked up politics involved with the drug companies. and the constant upgrading and renaming the same old pills and calling it something else just so they can keep the patent on it which makes cheaper generic meds harder to get, they all seem to have something else in common.

They all have crazy assed side effects. You have allergies? our pills will help, so will all the other stuff you've been getting, but this one works better. just watch out for; dry skin, stomach cramps, blurred vision, anal leakage, swollen feet, etc. It gets so bad that why would you even take the drug? I'd rather have allergies, or limp dick than a spastic colon and hair loss.

This isnt just a post about funny side effects. My real question is about the approval process of these drugs. Arent there some kind of standards for letting shit get released? I mean, how many retarded side effects do they allow? To me it seems like if you invented a new drug or whatever and brought it to the FDA for approval... or even in the lab they would keep turning you down until you limited the amount and severity of the side effects. I dunno, i was just thinking that if your new diarrhea medication makes you have leprosy and become a paraplegic , that they would just NOT approve it. "Thanks guys, thats great but your not quite there yet. come back when it doesn't make you bleed from your eyes.

And no i havent seen Sicko yet. I need to tho.

doodletastic madness!

I always have a folded (i dont know why) piece of scratch paper somewhere in arm's reach while i'm working. Some of the software I use takes a long time to load and to complete some functions. so in the down time I doodle. usually its a scattered mess and ends up getting thrown away but the last couple weeks i've tried to keep it all on one page. Ended up actually being 4 pages. In the process i decided to try to make 2 pages continual. Here's the results of this experiment. This is all more or less drawn by hand with a regular ball point pen. yes my hand got sore and i had to teak breaks.

drawing 1. "Java Joes"........drawing 2. "Rain Sucks"
..........

click images for the full size view.

then I optimized them, plopped on some Gallery logos and dropped them into a skateboard template.

they are now for sale on the Gallery Skateboards website.
www.galleryskates.com

full javajoes deck image
http://kirksheltonart.com/art/2007/javajoesdeck.jpg

rain sucks in process
http://kirksheltonart.com/art/2007/balls2.jpg

Amy Winehouse is a junkie crack head

yep. figures tho because i kind didn't mind her songs. I liked Modest Mouse until i heard they were junkies too. fucking hell.

i guess her husband found her in a hotel room with a call girl cutting her self and doing heroin. he tried to stop her and then she started attacking him with the razor. drugs are awesome!

but she wont go to rehab, she says no, no, no

fucking dipshits.

anyhoo, now for photo El spectacular de la foto de Viernes.

it wasn't that "fresh"

me and Justin "J-Slim" Phillips at ATT park on tuesday night. (my face looks jacked because i had to photoshop the watermark out of this pic i got off the giants fan pics web page) but fuck its not like you guys dont know what i look like already.

doodle i'm doodlin' on right now.

best seats i've ever had to a game. thanks Garret!

my online buddy, Alex Duke did the illustration for this magazine. I saw it at 510 skateboards and bought it. hella rad.

fun with toys. the red power ranger was more to scale with the skateboard but it's legs didnt bend. fucking cheap piece of shit Chinese toys.



we got to the game early on tuesday to see the best rookie pitcher in baseball signing autographs in the dugout. later Slim got Steve Kline's autograph. good times.



i dont watch south park nearly enough. this shit has had me ROFL the last couple nights. last night was the Alcoholism disease and Virgin Mary bleeding out of her ass episode. followed by a repeat of the classic "goo back future people tookarjobs" episode. fucking genius i tell you.

pure poetry

maybe i shouldnt have said "spectacular" this week's kind of sucked. sorry i am ashamed.

fuck off, see you next week shitties.

The Almost Dead Hooker Story

In a conversation about gross jobs, dog groomer came up. only because you have to "express" dogs anal glands. My dog was having problems back there and the vet suggested i try to do it myself. Armed with rubber gloves and a roll of paper towells I went for it. I wont go into the details but it was one of the most disturbing moments in my life. definatly a top 5er. That got me thinking about what would be on my top 5 most disturbing moments. Its tough because I dont gross out that easily. But strangly ketchup and bleeding open wounds, mine or not, gross me out to no end. One thing for sure that makes the list is my almost dead hooker incident.

I've told the story quite a few times but theres no better place than here to put it down in sans serrif for all of you to read.

The Almost Dead Hooker - by Kirk Shelton.
Based on true events.
When my band was on tour we saw many things and met many people. There were a small group of people we would travel with and get to know throughout the tour. Band members, tour managers, techs, roadies, etc. One of the types of people you never really talk to or get to know are the truck drivers. If youre on a bigger tour the headliners have a full 18 wheeler truck that they cart around thier gear, stage, lighting and everything else you get when you have a real tour budget. Mudvayne was one of those bands.

We first became aware of Mudvaynes truck driver in Allentown PA. The club loading dock was down a side alley and we were pretty impressed with the skill it took to get that huge trailer down in there. We saw him kinda wipe the sweat from his brow as he hopped out of the cab. he looked at us with a face of pride and relief. We looked back and gave him our props to his good driving skills. we said somehting like "damn man good job, i dont think i could get my car in that spot" All the while thinking to ourselves that he probably does stuff like that all the time and it was probably not that big of a deal to him. Later as we started moving our gear into the club we began to have loading issues of our own. This place was the most unorganized club we'd ever played. load on was a pain in the ass, and loading off down roped off cooridors, down stairs and through a sea of sweaty, drunk, self rietious Mudvaybe fans wasnt a walk in the park either.

So as we finally settle down and cool off from being so frustrated at the loading situation we see the truck driver walking away from his truck with a duffel bag. Before our encounter earlier we wouldnt have noticed but now we kinda knew this dude. He told us he was off the tour and going to work for some other better paying tour. Well that sucks, we all thought to ourselves. Right about then a new driver gets dropped off by a taxi and starts to check over the truck. We walk over to him and make a point to casually introduce ourselves since we had just gained a new respect for truckers. He had a little more haggard appearance than the last guy but what the hell, he was a trucker. He hopped into the cab and after he gets settled he starts to pull out of the alley to get on the road for the next stop on the tour.

As he pulled out we started to hear this loud scraping tearing metal sound and suddenly our images of seemingly magical skilled masters of the fine art of manuevering 70 feet of steel were fading like the truckers blurry blue prison tattoos. As if he didnt hear what we were hearing he kept pulling forward. We went around to look and we saw his truck inch by inch ripping the steel framed canvas awning from the front of the club right out of the concrete wall. He finally realised what it was and stopped. Not before there was hunks of stucco and painted plaster coating the sidewalk and the hood of his semi. Welcome to the tour!

This is the guy who Mudvayne is depending on to get their gear from town to town!

Jump a week, five towns and five shows later. We had just played El Paso Texas which borders Mexico. A big group of guys from the other bands and crew went over to Juarez. Juarez is where members of another band we had toured with went and came back with tales of the "Farmacia", pain medication abuse and drunken gun shooting. ahh México es bueno.

We're playing McAllen Texas which is pretty much Mexico. English was the second language there. For some reason, as Ii was hanging out at the merch table, explaining to the Mexicans that we cant accept Pesos for T-shirts, I start having a conversation with the crazy driver. Half paying attention to him, he just keeps rambling on about stuff. He mentions that he just got out of prison like 5 years prior. He tells me how he used to run meth and cocaine for the Hells Angels in the 80's and got busted. At this point i realise this dude is fucking nuts but being naive like I was I gave him the benefit of the doubt and coudnt fully give up on this guy. There had to be something good and noble left in him. after all he had a pretty decent trucking gig for a pretty big band. right?

Wrong.

A couple days later we find ourselves in Las Vegas. The buzz was hot in the air about Mudvayne heading south to Mexico to play some huge rock festival. But the tour is coming to an end. One more show in LA and we head home, Mudvayne to Mexico. We got to Vegas early and while mudvayne had a ton of gear to set up we were just waiting around. hanging out backstage and in the loading dock with the other band and some of the crew. It was early afternoon, which was practically morning for us. We were comparing how sleeping is tough on the road. V-Shape mind was still in a van and got hotel rooms, we were in a bus but it was a pretty crappy tour bus with little to no emmenities, while Mudvayne and thier crew had new top of the line Prevost busses with DVD players and stuff in each bunk. at this point crazy trucker jumps in on the conversation and says "you have trouble sleepin?.. cuz i got some pills for that when we were south of the border" I tried to end the convo and said "no i sleep pretty good.. sometimes i oversleep" then he quickly countered excitedly, "well, i got pills for that too!.. wake you right up!" i'm thinking this guy is a complete nut, but again, rolling with it. he overheard us talking about the cool shit Mudvayne has in thier bus and says "hey you should see what i got in my cab". I was curious and interested so i followed him to the front of his truck which was backed into the loading zone. I didnt realise it at the time but i was the only one to follow him. The group of dudes i was talking with seemed to dissapear.

"Hop on up" he kind of chokes out with a voice remeniscent of a pack of Marlboros. I climb up and sit in the well weathered driver seat. I bask breifly thinking it was kinda cool sitting up there. Then he says take a look. I look around in front of me and to the passenger seat and dont see anything unusual. Just another worn out seat and a slightly more complicated dashboard than i'm used too. but nothing i didnt expect. I look at him like "what am i supposed to be seeing here?" then he points behind me toward his sleeper cab. "oh yea" i thought and looked at eye level for some kind of cool TV or video game set up. Seeing nothing i was about to look back at him ... then i saw it.

As my eyes moved down, to about the level of my knees. With only the dim daylight shining through the windshield into the unlit sleeper cab, behind the driver seat, on a shitty bed the width of the cab, I saw a woman. She was completly nude laying on her back half covered at the waist by a dirty blanket. She had the phisique of a holocaust victim. Very emaciated and greyish. It might have been the lighting. As i take in all of these observations. all within a few glances i realise she isnt moving. Instantly i freak and think "oh my god she is dead, this guy has a dead hooker in his truck oh my god, holy shit" i think I even screamed a little.. Then as I'm about to jump and run as fast as i can she moves. Doesnt wake but inhales quickly. he whole body shudders as violently, yet still unconsious she gasps for air in a breathy, but fast 'eeeghhhhh' then a second later she does it again.

what the fuck? i think to myself. then say to the trucker dude. "what the fuck man?!" as i stare in shock and awe. He then replies.. "You can have her man, go for it, she aint gonna wake up for a good 2 or 3 hours...." holy shit this is a hooker? instantly visions of all those truck stop whores popped surfaced in my memory. he continues "...yea, she wont wake up, i gave her some of those pills i got in mexico. you can do whatever you want to her and she wont wake up"

UGH........completely disgusted, freaked out and slightly frightened I sunk out of the seat while "saying, ugh no thanks man I'm cool" then once on pavement i walked as fast as i could back to the stage door. I saw the group i had been talking to before and said "dude that guy is fucked, he has a almost dead hooker passed out in his cab." then gave a brief recount of what had just happened.

they all laughed "did you hit that shit?" laughing they said "why do you think we didnt go over there, that dude is fucking nasty man" thanks for the warning assholes.

I dont think i've been the same ever since.

this has nothing to do with this story but i think it's fitting i put it here anyway.
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/03/27/health/main2615067.shtml

dont fuck with the MTZ!!!

A guy goes to the Wamu ATM on Alhambra Tuesday night around 10:30. (This is the ATM i go to) Gets his cash and as he's going back to his car he gets robbed at gunpoint by some pieces of shit from Richmond and Oakland. They make him empty his account and take his wallet. They get in their car and take off down Highway 4 going back towards Richmond.

Doing what any other hard core Martinezen would do, he got in his car and followed them. Called 911 and relayed the robbers license plate number. They took the McEwen rd. exit, lost control and drove off a cliff killing two of the 3 mother fuckers!!

HAHA HA HA HAH AH AHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Karma is a bitch!

story here
http://cbs5.com/topstories/local_story_233111705.html

meaning of Kirk

In my bio i claim that my parents named me after the Star Trek Captain James T. Kirk. They deny it but i'm almost positive they did. What they probably didnt know is the origins of the name "kirk". I was curious about my name. Most names are short for something or have a nickname like "Dick" associated with them, but not Kirk. I'm just ... kirk. So I went to the ol' trusty Wikipedia and searched for "kirk". Lew and behold, my name has a much deeper meaning than just some space ship captain.

Most of you know i'm a pretty staunch Anti-Religionist (not to be associated with Atheists) so I find it pretty ironic that my name basically means "church" and that theres a ton of places in Scotland and England that have my name "kirk" in them which all are references to their having a church there.

As a common noun, kirk is the Scots and Scottish English word for 'church', attested as a noun from the 14th century onwards, but as an element in placenames much earlier. Both words, kirk and church, derive from the Koine Greek κυριακόν (δωμα) (kyriakon (dōma) meaning Lord's (house), which was borrowed into the Germanic languages in late antiquity, possibly in the course of the Gothic missions. (Only a connection with the idiosyncrasies of Gothic explains how a Greek neuter noun became a Germanic feminine.) Whereas church displays Old English palatalisation, kirk is likely to be a loanword from Old Norse and thus has the original mainland Germanic consonants. Compare cognates: Icelandic & Faroese kirkja; Swedish kyrka; Norwegian & Danish kirke; German Kirche; Dutch kerk; Frisian tsjerke; and borrowed into non-Germanic languages: Estonian kirik and Finnish kirkko.

so now i have a ton of foreign language options i can go by. this week i think i'd like to called "tsjerke" and dont be funny.. its not JERKY, its pronounced "Kghherk" the "tsj" makes a flemmy throatish "KHHE" sound. like your hawking up a loogie. next week you can call me κυριακόν, pronounced kyriakon. i like it, sounds like the leader of some crazy tribe somewhere. I AM KYRIAKON, LEADER OF THE KYRIANITES. FEEL MY WRATH!!!!




anyway, fucking Church. ugh. I knew there was a higher purpose to me hating my name.

old map & ancient unknown civilzations

In 1929, some historians found a crazy map drawn on a gazelle skin.
They found out that it wasn't bullshit and it was drawn in 1513 by Piri Reis, a famous admiral of the Turkish fleet in back in the day. I guess his rank gave him access to Constantinople's Imperial Library and he said he copied the maps from older shit he found. Stuff dating back to the fourth century BC and older.

Whats so crazy about this map is how accurate it is. It shows stuff that pro's today say could only have been done with aerial views of the areas that were mapped and the use of really advanced math. And they knew the earth was round and they knew its circumference.

Its representation of Antarctica is really nuts..

The northern coastline of Antarctica is perfectly detailed. The most puzzling however is not so much how Piri Reis managed to draw such an accurate map of the Antarctic region 300 years before it was discovered, but that the map shows the coastline under the ice. Geological evidence confirms that the latest date Queen Maud Land could have been charted in an ice-free state is 4000 BC.

While this article never mentions it, It implies it throughout. What I'm talking about is ALIENS. thats fucking right.

read this shit!
http://www.world-mysteries.com/sar_1.htm

This evidence of a lost technology will support and give credence to many of the other hypothesis that have been brought forward of a lost civilization in remote times. Scholars have been able to dismiss most of those evidences as mere myth, but here we have evidence that cannot be dismissed. The evidence requires that all the other evidences that have been brought forward in the past should be re-examined with an open mind." (Ibid.)

parking weirdness re-revisited

sorry for the re-repost, I had to mention everyone this morning walked into the office saying something like "you know I like to think i'm a pretty good driver, but damn backing in like that is tough" thats exactly what i was thinking, except I openly admit i cant park that well. If there was cars there when i try this I would have hit them for sure.


parking experiment day 2:
subjects confusion turning to slight anger. still making an honest attempt to follow signs.

gra fee tee arty

This guy contacted me a few weeks ago that wants to use my art to laser etch into skateboards. its a pretty cool idea but thats another story. He works for an airline in Denver and gets free plane tickets.

he flew into SF friday and we hooked up. went to this art gallery party thing in the city. art magazine Juxtapoz was accepting art on disks at this event so we brought stuff.

there was some really cool art on display from artists i'd heard of. it was really cool. the place was full of scenesters and there was loud DJ music and a bar. not really my scene. When we pulled up to the place it was in a back alley in SF and the opposite wall was covered in some of the raddest graffiti i'd seen. So after we mingled around and peeped the art we went outside. It was cool. they had famous graffiti artists from all over the world doing live graffiti painting on these panels. The artists were featured in last months Juxtapoz and were the ones that did the killer piece we saw on the wall. they were going to be put inside for some event later on. we started talking with this one graffiti guy named "Arrow". he was from England and his accent sounded just like the Super Nanny. it was rad. made everything he said sound interesting.

here's some horrible phone pix.

the bit on the far right is Arrow's

then i drove the dude from Denver around at like 1am to find a hotel. we couldn't find one so he told me to just drop him off. i guess he wandered the streets all night till the Bart trains started running at 6 am. he said it was the worst night of his life. i kinda felt bad.

Parking Weirdness revisited.

they repaved the street i work on last week. this street is a 2 way street with diagonal curb parking along our side of the street. if your coming from Hollis our building is on your right and you pull in as you would like your on the right side of the street. making any sense? anyway, they just painted the parking space lines and they are fucking backwards! the other half of the street still goes the right way so its not as if they meant to make this a one way street. its fucking retarded.

Now there is a sign put up that says you have to back into your spot. thats even more retarded. and the signs are facing you only if your coming in from the direction opposite the direction of the new parking spaces!!!

It might make sense if they are planning to make it a one-way street but theres 5 spaces at the Hollis end of the street that still go the old way but they have the new signs. and the whole rest of the street down at the other end, passed the Oakland border still go the other way. its so fucking stupid.

i dont get it. no one gets it. everyone here thinks its the most stupid idea ever.

I am no where near good enough at backing into a parking space. Plus, my car doesn't have power steering.

I love you Emeryville.. how did you screw this one up?


(if youre reading this again because i reposted it, its because i reposted it. sorry for the rip off post)

extra spicy photo friday

heres some pictures. extra spicy because i think theres more this week than usual. and ironically, no pictures of parking spaces. i'm trying a new arrangment method. click for big.

drawings

drawings





says "closed for animal cruelty" ...................................................

my drums and a random stick stuck on the wall





cat sleeps wierd..................................................



skateboarding has jumped the shark / hardcore tat i had last week


decorations in the new welding area at work


hot mustard delivery system / how they determine my wage

......................................thats a dead fish


ok fuckers, have a good one. see you next week.