Jan 23, 2006

Lactaid, wonder drug.

While I was on tour with my old band I got the reputation of farting all the time. It was funny at first but then it got really bad. My band mates and friends would literally get mad at me for stinking so bad, so often. After a while it wasn't just farting. Horrible stinky farting but stomach pains. Since I was a rock drummer for a living then, we didn't have a medical plan. And I'm not paying top dollar for excessive farting and a little stomach ache. On to my story.

My cousin and her husband came out to see us at a show in Minneapolis. We offered them some pizza the club ordered for us. I love pizza.. Who doesn't right? That's why I was shocked when dude turned it down. "what's wrong with Pizza?" I said. "I cant it makes me sick" He continued to explain, "I'm Lactose Intolerant" Which I'd heard of but I didn't know what it did to you. It makes him violently ill in the biblical sense. Must suck to live in the Cheese State and not be able to even smell it.

So that got me thinking... After further discussion about it I started to wonder if that's why I farted all the time? So I conducted a little experiment. I stopped drinking milk. Breakfast cereal became a staple in the "tour bus" lifestyle so I would eat it at least twice a day.
It sucked but I quit the Crunch Berries cold-turkey. And wouldn't you know it... I stopped farting and having stomach pains.

fast forward a couple years later, band broken up, rockstar life left in the past, I still have this fucking milk problem. But its evolved into a full blown dairy problem. Now I cant eat Pizza. motherfucker. I just dealt with it for the most part. Avoiding dairy where I could. Worst case scenario would be gassiness or the occasional diarrhea. But it all came to a head Christmas party 2004 at my GF's aunts house. She lives in Marin so it was all hoity toity. Complete with hoity toity orderves. Tasty as hell but not one of them didn't involve a cheese I'd never heard of. So, not to be rude, I ate the shit out of them. Midway thought the night I started to get the pains. Oh god the pains. A good part of the night I was laid out in the car outside... In a cold sweat. Then the grumblies in the tumblies. I knew what was next. I made my way through the Marin Elite to the bathroom, that was really close to the dining room and kitchen. Then, I shit my ass out. Loud explosions of hot liquid assjuice. The flow was only interrupted by farting and splattering. The pain subsided and I washed up, opened the window, lit a candle and went back to the party. And vowed to never eat foods high in cheese again.

god that sucked. So now fast forward to Thanksgiving 2005. My GF's mom made Quiche for breakfast. I guess its more cheese than egg, and again I suffered the wrath. I was in bed or on the toilet for most of that day.

After that I was done. I'd had enough, Lactose Intolerance had finally beat me. I guess I really have it now, so time to start looking for a medical remedy. Buying Soy and Lactose Free Milk alone aren't gonna cut it. Then I discovered this wonder drug known as Lactaid. I can eat Pizza and Ice Cream again!!!! Hoity Toity orderves here I come!

Fast Forward to this past weekend. Friday night we went over to a friends and I came prepared. I brought my trusty pack of Lactaid tablets. chewable even, they taste like a dried up powdered vanilla milkshake.. But shit if I can eat dairy its worth it. So Lactaid in hand I was prepared for whatever might happen, little did I know I'd be putting her to the ultimate test. So Friday night I ate half a pepperoni pizza. I was doing ok till about the 4 slice then started to feel a little grumble... "ahh good its just gas" I thought "I can handle this" then a funny part of the movie made me laugh, and I accidently released a hot one. A hot STINKY one. Luckily everyone was in the kitchen and drunk. Friday night went off pretty flawlessly, then Saturday night came. I got a little more brave that night. I ate 1/4 of a veggie pizza. And 3 bowls of Ice Cream. But I was on Lactaid so I figured I was indestructible. Not so much. I was at home so I felt more inclined to let em rip... They were hot. They were horrible but I was ok. Then after the 3rd bowl of cinnamon caramel Praline Cashew goodness it started. The grumblies. It was no where near as bad as Thanksgiving or the Uppity Cheese Incident, but it was some hot anal juice leakage and a little stomachachage.

So in conclusion, Lactaid works pretty good just don't go nuts. I think the regular ones work better than the chewables.


jimbizzle said...

Dude! I GF has the same thing. She found Lactaid about a month a go. It's been nice to be able to enjoy the same foods together again.

God bless the makers of Lactaid!

Anonymous said...

check this contest out form Lactaid.

Celebrity artists Yuyi Morales and Kadir Nelson have partnered with the LACTAID® Brand to inspire children across the U.S. to draw their family’s favorite LACTAID® MILK MOMENTS™ for a chance to win a kitchen makeover and children’s art studio.

With LACTAID® Products and your new kitchen, you can enjoy more of your favorite moments with dairy foods. There’s nothing like the comfortable and cozy feelings that come with sharing milk and homemade cookies at the kitchen table…or Grandma’s secret recipe for mac ‘n’ cheese.

Tell us about your family’s favorite LACTAID® MILK MOMENTS™ by submitting your child’s art online at www.lactaidmilkmoments.com from 5/15/06 – 6/30/06. While you are there, also check out contest finalists, delicious recipe ideas, and download a children’s coloring book.