May 31, 2006

verizon sucks still

remember when i got a cool new phone? well it broke, and the good news is they replaced it. but the bad news is that its the new upgraded software that disables most of the hackability of it.

so now i cant upload my pics as easily as before. I've read where some people have done it but i need to get them to tell me how.

i hate you verizon.

May 30, 2006

4 day weekend

I took Friday off to go to the lake. my girlfriends friends have money and cool shit. like private lakeside property and boats and shit. we met them up there on friday and I pretty much watched everyone get totally wasted all weekend. it was so insane we had to come home on sunday morning.

I started taking pictures on the drive up there to capture the beatiful yellow landscape that is Northern Californa. we'll the hwy 80 drive part of it. its not much really. anyway... we got about 45 minutes into the drive and my camera battery fucking died. so you all missed out on anything having to do with the Lake or Caz's rad trailer on the lake. you missed out on pictures of Dillon's gnar finger after he got it smashed between the golf cart and the jack stand. you missed out on pictures of drunk girls in bikinis . you missed out on photos of frat boys with armband tatoos doing beer bongs every 10 minutes. you missed out on drunken bikini chicks popping a squat in the bushed behind the trailer. you missed out on drunk bikini girls puking on themselves and then crying about it. you missed out on pictures of Caz emptying the shitter in the trailer, and him talking about the awesome new "tornado valve" he installed in the shitter so he doesnt have to scrape shit off the walls of the septic tank. you missed out on video clips of the "MTV party boat" blasting hip hop through the "no wake zone" at 8:00 in the morning.

but most of all, you missed out on the one picture i wish i could have taken. which pretty much captured the essense of the weekend at the lake, was this one rediculously drunk, vacuous, blonde chick in a tiny bikini on the back of a wakeboarding boat dancing to loud house music. One hand holding a red cup with some bacardi mixed drink spilling over the sides every time she gyrated to the beat. dancing and waving a yellow bottle of pinapple malibu rum in the air with the other hand. while a fratboy is passing a beer bong to another wet drunk bikini chick behind her. and at the same time her eyes widening as another ugly as fuck fratboy with a lake water soaked hat turned backwards offers her a swig off the large yagermiester bottle. blurred but not completly out of focus in the background would be the other 3 boats tied together with at least 5-6 drunken bikini chicks and shirtless fratboys dancing to 3 different stereos blasting various party musics.

but since my camera battery died on the way up, you get to look at this. enjoy.

anyhoo, it was a pretty fun time. a little bit to crazy for me at times. i got some sun on my skin. when we got home we cleaned the lake dirt off of all our crap, unpacked and vegged out all day. there was a bunch of war crap on TV because of the holiday. we started watching Band of Brothers. you know what? it isnt a bad show. its like Saving Private Ryan, the series. its wierd watching Ron Livingston in other stuff because he'll always be Peter from Office Space to me. kept waiting for Lumberg to come out of one of the foxholes with a nazi helmet on and ask him for the TPS reports.

speaking of Office Space.. welcome back to work motherfuckers. its already Tuesday tho, which is like the extra bonus to the 3 day weekend.

May 25, 2006

roach coach de jour

ok so, on my way to the soda machine, i saw that the lunch truck outside. also known as the roach coach , shit mobile, junk truck.. whatever you call it. its the catering truck with the broken horn that plays a off key and off time version of "la cucaracha". its run by this Vietnamise couple that despite years of running this thing still cant speak english for shit. its the truck that makes the famous unintentionally "Teryake chicken burrito" they dont mean for it to be. but they use the same teryake flavoring on everything they cook, and use the bagged salad and veggie mix with carrots and peas and cabbage instead of lettuce. and they (as do most places) put ranch dressing on the salad even tho ranch isnt Asian, or mexican. well, anyway I felt compelled to check out what they had.
the boneless ethnicly flavored wings and tots looked good. it was mostly the tots that appealed to me. Something about tots that make me feel like a kid again. I kind of get that feeling when i eat off of styrafome trays too. overall its not bad. the tots are a little chewy, which is dissapointing. the chicken, which i'm convinced is always cat or chihuahua, is pretty tasty. anything fried in my opinion is good. I complimented it with a delicious dipping sauce made of yellow mustard and roach coach hot sauce. which isnt like any other hot sauce ive had. its not Pace, its not Taco Bell, and its not Tapatio.. its like a strange generic brand Asian hot sauce. anyway, its good with mustard and tots, or deep fried burritos.

mmm chimichanga!

oh and i guess i did take a pic of this. bass guitar made out of a Harley gas tank

LOST season Finale!!

holy donkey nuts that was a good episode! they answered a few big questions and opened up a bunch of new story lines. next season is gonna be huge. Here's my random thoughts on LOST.
they are gonna sound negative but there are a few things that kinda bugged me.

ok so lets get the big shit out of the way. it looks like the Numbers really do something. they keep the electromagnetic field at bey so it doesnt suck airplanes into the island. this appearantly is what crashed the plane. what doesnt make sense tho is how a magnet that can barley pull a couple home appliances can pull a jetliner out of the sky. the implications of a magnet that strong at close range would do way more damage than it did.. also consider that when 815 was pulled off course and sucked out of the sky, Desmond put the numbers in before it got as crazy as it did with Locke and Ecko.

dang there is so much i dont know where to start. lets go with charachter connections. ok so, the sailboat was Libby's. she met Desmond at the airport(?) and gave it to him. we still dont know anything about why she was in the hospital or why she was in Aus. but the fact that she randomly meets a dude and gives him a boat is more evidence for me that she was part of Dharma and her job was to help make sure desmond got to that island. i also still thing that she was in the hospital watching Lenny.

Kelvin Inman, was the head guy in the US military that made Sayid torture his buddy in Iraq. most people expected to see him again since he was a bigger actor for such a small part. Kelvin was making the invisible maps with detergent? and without the blacklight? after umpteen years down there he couldnt hot wire the blacklight? that was kinda lame. Kelvin appearantly knew there was no sickness but kept up the ruse to keep desmond scared... so then why was desmond all freaked about sickness and shit when the Losties got there? that didnt jive. also, why didnt Desmond say to Locke, "its a test huh?.. then why did that magnet start shaking and sucking the hatch into it?" why didnt he say something before they let Ecko and Charlie blow themselves up, before they locked themselves in there. that seems like a thing you'd mention right away. Why was Kelvin out of the hatch when he found Desmond? just a lucky coincidence? .. also, why would he be wearing the suit if he knew there was no sickness unless he intended on finding someone. seems a little iffy. i think theres more to that.

desmonds girlfriend, Penny, penelopy Widmore, daughter of Charles Widmore.. no doubt part of the Widmore Group. Which has been seen in LOST previosly. the pregnancy test was Widmore Labs, and the Construction company i think Micheal worked for was Widmore Const. the "LOST experience" related book "Bad Twin" is all about Widmore and its relations with the Hanso Foundation which funded the Dharma project according to the Orientation film. is the keystone to the "lost experience" and is uncovering the wholesome facade they put on to cover up that they are funding projects like Dharma, however far it goes. the book "Bad Twin" also ties Hanso and Widmore to a company called Paik Heavy which is Sun's fathers company. what they do and how they are connected with this is still a mystery.

it turns out Henry was "him". the Others leader. what a stud he was to get captured. all the stupid mistakes he made and all the shy ameturish weaselings we all a put on? the others are still as much, or more of a mystery the more we see them. who the hell are they?! what the heck are they doing there? i still think they are leftovers from whatever the dharma inituitive was initially. if what they told micheal is correct they can escape if they want to, but dont. maybe they are just hippies in a commune... maybe the island is like "the Village" in that M. Knight Shamalamamamaaa movie.

what the hell was that statue? 4 toes? we're getting really wierd now. but what pisses me off is that if someone would actually explore further than that damn cable thats 20 feet from thier camp they'd have seen that, and the Others fake camp with a hatch door that leads to nothing by the way. .. didnt we see people coming in and out of there? if its fake, then where did they go and where did they come from? this also reminds me... what happened to Sayid, Jin and Sun? the last we see of Jin and Sun is on the boat, and the last we see of Sayid is in the fake camp. i guess we'll have to wait till next season. they probably wont even address it.

The tube canisters do go to nothing, like i thought. The Pearl is fake, like desmond said. but why? doesnt make sense. still no monster, but we get the weird bird again. what the hell is that bird about? and the whispers... shortly after they get shot with the electro darts and the others come. are the whispers the others? are they "pretending" more than we think.. are they more than clean shaven doctor types? aliens perhaps... god i hope not.

"more than we bargained for" Walt really freaked em out. so this is one of the new plotlines we're gonna get in season 3.
1 - what happens to Micheal and Walt? does Henry have another definition of "rescue"? what awaits them at those coordinates? we shall find out next season.
2- what will be in store for Kate, Jack and Sawyer... and again, why them?
3- what will Hurley do? will he tell them about what happened? who will take over as the appearant "leader" of the losties? my bet is Sayid. but will he attempt to go against the others wishes and return to their side of the island?
4- the fate of Desmond, Locke and Ecko.. what the fuck was that noise and light and shit? ... didnt seem to phase the others much. frankly im a little pissed about claires reaction... and im more pissed at charlies "it was nothing" response. (tangent anger here... what the hell is Claire injecting her kid with?!!!! you stupid bitch you dont just give a newborn mystery injections)
5- the widmore connection. we leave off with russian scientists in a blizzard appearantly tracking weather and electromagnetic surges. who are appearantly working for desmonds girlfriend. this makes me think back to the scene in this ep where she says to des. "if you have enough money you can find anything". she still has the photo of desmond and her so I think she's looking for him. I think that her father's company that bares his name, Widmore. is all part of this whole thing and Penny found out enough to know that Desmond is caught up in whatever her father is up to.
6 - the statue. looks like old roman or egyptian but has 4 toes. may be nothing more than a mythelogical creature, but where and what the hell is that island!??
7- they still need to explan all the crap from season 1. danielle, the cable, the numbers..lockes legs, etc etc etc.

ok im sure theres more, comment if you think of something.. i'll be in the forums.

May 24, 2006

new xander pics

and of course i've had my photshop fun with them. first here's some unaltered cuteness.

i know she hates it when i do this, but i couldnt help myself. the first pic up there was sent with the caption "he loves carrots" uhm, thats no carrot. we're shelton boys, this pic below is more likely.the rest are self explanatory..

this last one is kind of in bad taste, i hope she doesnt get upset. technically his head was already in a bucket.
LOST is on tonite! its the finale!!! woo hoo!

May 23, 2006

fuck me in the goat ass!

damn man, I got slammed today. I walk in this morning and i got 3 different people sayin' they need this and they need that and it has to be done by today. rargh! i got the main bulk of it done so now i have time to type this.
the upside is that since i'm working so dilligently I get to not worry about being caught goofing off. that means i can listen to music! i was rocking out to my itunes party mix and getting shit done.
but yea, wow, work sucks.

May 22, 2006

verbal monday random

right now, i sit here with a burnt tounge. I burned it on one of those cheap microwavable chimichungas. when i cook those i always get pissed at microwaves for burning the ends of shit to a crisp and boil the outside bits but then the center is still fucking frozen.. how have these contraptions lasted this long? i guess its becuase cooking is that much of a pain in the ass. I also made one of those, 10 for $8.00 Budget Gourmet meals. They actually arent that bad tasting. you just have to add salt to it. its not a seasoning thing. you literally have to add salt to make it have a flavor. you could eat one in the dark and not no what it is until you add salt. ahh, enchiladas! yum. as i type this im stirring the burnt-to-a-solid parts of the enchilada sauce into the more liquidy parts. luckily 5 minutes gets the job done on one of these. they say to stop it at 2 minutes and stirr, but you dont need to. its all boiling and hotter than a hooker on nickel night when its done. and they dont warn you that when you peel back the plastic after its done the steam will remove paint on the USS Intrepid. that shit gets me every god damn time. i guess if i were a rat in a maze getting shocked for pushing the wrong button, i'd fail and end up testing eye liner or something.

wow, i typed all that now i'm finished with my lunch. All but the beans. they were pretty horrible. worse than taco bell. taco bell beans are powder that you add water too and heat up. but its good with sauce and cheese. thats whats so good about places like Taco Bell and McDonalds. its not really that good tasting... well yea it is, i mean they manufacture it that way on purpose. but what keeps you going is that you cant recreate it anywhere else. taco bell isnt just a taco or burrito, its TACO BELL... its all the chemicals and shit they put in it that makes it so damn addictive. speaking of unhealthy foods... i brought a banana too. to balance it all out. damn I really like banannas. theyre really like no other fruit out there. I just like origional fruit. i like mangoes too, they rock.

I also got a diet coke out of the machine here. i think im the only one here that gets diet out of that machine because it still has the Olympics cans. But its not expired thank god. Have you ever had expired coke? man its fucking gross. when i was on tour this place gave us a whole case of coke and shit and we thought they were being rad to us. then we started drinking it down the road and the whole case was expired. those assholes. they probably didnt know but it still fuckin sucked. like that Twilight Zone episode where the world ends and theres only one guy left. He finds a library and is juiced he has somehting to do to cure his loneliness. then he breaks his glasses and cant see shit or read. thats kind of how it was to have a case of expired Coke. well, on a smaller level i guess.

Those old Twilight Zones were rad. we borrowed my dads Box Set and vegged out all day yesterday watching old episodes. One thing i didnt realise is that there were hella famous actors in it but before they were famous. one had a hella young Charles Bronoson with a hella young chick from Bewitched. a couple had William SHatner. one had Don Rickles. it was crazy. If you get the chance you should peep some of those old Zone episodes.

Sorry about the lack of photos in here this time, my phone died and we werent anywhere i could charge it most of the weekend. well, while i was somewhere with stuff worth photographing. we went to the Peddlers fair down town martinez which is mostly just antique junk. plates and stupid shit. I told meg it looked like all the antique shops puked into the streets and some lady who was selling shit heard me and said "yea i guess it does". rock on old lady! the coolest things we saw were a bass guitar some guy made out of a Harley gas tank and this vintage ronald mc donald thing. it was part of a sign or something. it was a fibreglass molded head thing. it was a creepy old school ronald tho. we wanted to buy it but it was like $250. might have been a good deal for something like that but, 250... thats too much to blow if youre not a collector of shit like that. we originally went down there hoping to find some shit for me to paint on. I want to start painting on more "found objects" but everything was so damn overpriced. people pull shit out of thier attic and think that just because its old, its worth $500. thats most of the antique stores down there. I need to hit up some Goodwills and shit. if i dont find anything there i'll have to do some dumpster diving.

Speaking of painting, I got an email from the Shakey Hand Gallery and they want to do a solo show in August. I'll be the first of more edgy artists they feature. I'm really juiced but i need to paint my ass off to get enough material to show. They want to have people donate skateboards for me to paint and sell them for charity too. its not a completly original idea but anything "cool" is new for Martinez. the old people and thier antiques are killing that town. anyway, they wrote a little bio thing for me.. check it out.

Absurdities and Obscenities: Hit the Road with Kirk
August 21st – September 18th
Opening August 25th 6-8 p.m.
Free admission
Exhibit summery:
Take a weird and twisted turn into the world of Kirk
Shelton, where the odd reigns supreme and the surreal
dictates normality. Characterized as pop art, with
influences from alternative media and counterculture
aesthetic the work of Kirk Shelton comprises a
satirical view of reality. Using mediums ranging from
colored pencil and acrylic, often including found
objects, Kirk Shelton creates a palate of colorful
characters and oddball antics challenging anyone’s
take on the mundane.

pretty cool eh.. so i'm juiced about that. I'll let you know more as it gets closer.
ok, thats it for the verbal monday random.

May 19, 2006

weekend movies

i was gonna go see DaVinci Code because its pissing off Christians but the line was too long. so here's some You Tube goodies i found.

Fast Food Nation, The Movie!

How to kill a horny jock beer boner.

I thought this was funny. Brokeback to The Future Trailer.

ok this is horrible but it rules. i think its from Wondershowzen which i've only seen once but its insane. "The US Mint"

Mr.Show, David Cross, WICKEDSEPTOR, "show me your weenis"
this is the best thing ever. EVER!

that one had us rolling for like 2 years.

and this wouldnt be complete without CAR CRASHES!
new tunnel in russia + dumb drivers = entertainment!

this isnt from YouTube but its one of the funniest things ever by my homies at (click here and scroll down to AM GOLD)

have a good one, i hope youre computer doesnt suck because youre missing out.
-uncle kirkness

the friday random II

speaking of snot (see below post) this is the drool i was talking about in the last random.
this is my dog George with a couple of nice ones hangin'

speaking of nice ones... I equipped my drumset with not one, but two cowbells.
the Few officially has "more cowbell" thank you very much.

speaking of "thank you's" J-slim was kind enough to send me some randoms yesterday via the ol' mobile phone. looks like he went to the Asian Market too!
$5.99? what a deal.

speaking of slippery creatures from the sea.. i bet he had some lovely slimeballs coming out of him like it did this morning
i got this handsome self portrait along with a message that read simply.
I feel you Slim, I feel you.

well, i guess thats it for today's random. I hope justin doesnt mind i posted his swollen picture on the interwebs.

...till next time.

beam me up snotty

This morning i managed to completly saturate two super absorbent brawny paper towells. ...with snot.

I got up, took a shower, got dressed. everything was fine until i got ready to walk out the door. then it hit me. the itchy throat, the sniffly nose and the marathon sneezing. Sneezing like that is exhausting. You cant catch your breath and when you sneeze big like that youre flexing every muscle in your body. I have thick bands of snot hanging out of my nose holes swaying in the breeze as I run to the kleenex box. I pull out a fat tuft of kleenex and wipe. the tuft is instantly filled with snot and i throw it away. i gingerly wipe the remainder of nose jizz left in my moustache and go to get my shoes on. .. as i start tying the second shoe it hits me again. hhaaaaaa choooo!!! since now my sinuses are shut tighter than a nuns cunt i have to breath through my mouth. I try not to swallow as my ears will get all like i need to pop them. so since im not swallowing my saliva when i sneeze not only does snot come out my nose but it comes out my mouth along with 2 tablespoons of drool. I'm a wreck. I head towards the bathroom again and glance at the roll of Brawny super absorbant towells. Thats what i need. Paul Bunion wouldnt use sissy kleenex. I need the luberjack shit! i take one and wipe. perfect. so i grab 2 full squares and fold them on eachother, then in 4's so i have this 8 layer snot soaker ready for anything that might come at me during my drive to work.

as i take a sip of my gas station coffee that i cant taste due to a clogged sinus, i get that throat tickle again and involuntarily cough right as I take a huge gulp. i get a nice coffee bath in my lap.
cough turns into more sneezing.

Now here I sit at my computer 1 hour later and that 8 layer lumberjack snot rag is 100% saturated with saliva, and histamine rich nose juices. I tossed the limp buiscit and started new 15 minutes ago with a couple king fold towells from the mens room which is already done.

now, when I left the house yesterday i popped a 24 hour allergy relief pill. I guess it really stops working right at 24 hours. I popped another one today an I'm waiting for it to kick in.

the suffering one endures whilst having hay fever is enough to lose faith in God.

May 18, 2006

LOST thursday recap "island of morons"

this was a damn good episode. we got to see the entrance of another Hatch, we got to see Walt... everything was great, except for everyone being morons. anyway here's some things i noticed about the episode last night.

Alex and Zeke are the same Alex and Zeke we see in the Med Hatch. so there is only one group of others. Walt confirms this by telling micheals blind and def ass that they are pretending.

open your ears Micheal?!! you fucking douchebag.

there WERE vaccine shots in the drop shipment like i thought there was going to be. Charlie is a retard for A) giving himself one and B) giving them to the baby and claire without at least consulting Jack. these are the same "Vaccines" that claire wouldnt shut up about in Maternity leave. Vaccines i thought she realised she didnt need or want because Ethan was bad.
"hey claire and new born.. have some of this mystery hatch medicine i found"

"what is it?"

"i dunno but it comes in this neato injetor gun"

"cool thanks shoot me up"


how about this Claire:
"i dunno charlie, i remembered that i was taken to a med hatch with ehtan and they kept giving me some crap.. i think i shouldnt take it, but maybe you should give it to jack he might know what to do with it"

i hate these people. Everyone in this episode, except for Sayid (and sawyer) are idiots. C'mon jack why would he want to take effing Hurley's fat ass and not Sayid?! get a clue. and Kate, youre not off the hook, I'm still pissed at you about keeping the whole Claire Med Hatch fake beard thing quiet for so long.. (I hate Claire too for this)

Micheal is an idiot. i mean yea what could he do? but they let him go.. does he REALLY think they are gonna give him Walt back? I'm sure he could have figured out a different way.

Anna and Libby.. his note said bring back the four. not kill Anna.. so WTF? why would he do that? just to have an excuse to get Fenry out? seems like that was a drastic way to do it.

Sawyer told Jack about his romp with Anna. we'll see how that pans out.
"youre the closest thing i have to a friend doc'" awe how sweet.

Ecko has lost it. he is obsessed with pushing a button he knows is probably for nothing. It's rad he has faith still and the button probably does have purpose but why did he have to be such a dick to Charlie?

Where's Locke off too? i hope he's finnallly gonna explore the perimiter of the island.. (i predict another scene with the Cable...ugh the others camp is probably just passed it but they always follow the cable)

So that sailboat everyone kept saying they saw in the background of beach shots was really there all this time? I wonder if this was another way to tie in message boards pointing out production errors? I think its Desmond on the boat.

with the arrival of the boat i wonder if Micheals plan gets thwarted or at least postponed? I wonder what they're gonna do about him.

In the preview i think i saw a pile of pneumatic tube capsules behind Jack in a scene. so those pearl notes maybe do go nowhere.

People on my Shit-List this week are Micheal, Claire, Charlie, Kate and stupid Jack.
dishonorable mention to Ecko for being wierd and nuts.

this episodes MVP is Sayid for sure.
honorable mention goes to Walt for hangin' in there.

anything i miss?

May 17, 2006

stuff and stuff.

well since I cant really focus my anger and daily irritations my blogs are going to get even more random.

welcome to wenesday. Lost is on tonite and as you know, its my new religion. So i was shocked when I checked out my Ex-Friend Jimbo's blog today. it read as such...

Against Every Ounce of Me

So my future mother-in-law called from her boat cruise crying. I was kinda freaked out, and asked what was wrong. She said she was going to miss LOST on due to being on the cruise, and wanted to know if I would record it on my DVR. Then she started laughing. Here I was worried about nothing! So here was my immediate response to her request...

WHAT?!?!?!?!? I hate LOST! Forget that show!

After quite some time of her begging I decided to go against every ounce of my body, and set a recording. She owes me... Owes me BIG! After all I make it one of my life long goals to never see that show ever! I guess I'll just have to play WoW tomorrow night and avoid the TV.

why you gotta hate Jimbo? when i asked him why he hated it so much he told me it was because he solves problems and thinks all day at work and doesnt want to be bothered when he gets home. so he watched mindless drivel instead. I guess thats why i like it so much, my day is kinda the opposite. when i get home i need a challenge. whatever. I'm gonna watch LOST with Jimbo's mom.

in other randomness heres a couple pics from my phone i took recently.
went to another Giants game. fuckin' Astros... did you hear that at thier game in Houston last night the Manager put in a new relief pitcher to intentionally hit Barry Bonds with a pitch?
not only did he hit him, once a graze then the next pitch after being warned was a direct hit, the houston crowd gave the pitcher a standing ovation. WTF is that? ! now, im admittedly not the biggest fan of Bonds, but thats just fucked up to cheer for someone getting hit intentionally. The Astro's pitcher and manager were thrown out of the game. read the ESPN story here

speaking of things that could take an eye out. I saw this at the phamacy. i thought it was funny.
"one size fits all pirates... Yarrgh!

speaking of pirates, well not really but this is my dog George.. he's savage like a pirate. well not really but he drools like a pirate!
"woof" LOST is on tonite... I still love you Jimbo, despite your hate.
and she's like "OMG"

May 15, 2006